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People pleaser - please help me
24

woodenforest · 16/06/2022 00:23

I really would like any tips, recommendations, your experiences as a PP or even dealing with someone who is a people pleaser (and what it’s like) or anything.

I live everyday worrying about what others think, I even am scared to post on social media because I’m scared of judgment and I feel like everyday I’ve done something wrong and feel guilty.

I know why I feel this way and where it comes from (trauma) but after years of therapy and speaking about the why and when, I need to put it into practice and start to live my life fully and not on autopilot.

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Yankeescot · 16/06/2022 00:32

My darlin,
you need to get fed up. Properly fed up with any garbage treatment.
I used to be a people pleaser. Still am to a degree as I have a very high level of empathy.

But I got absolutely fed up to the back of my teeth with the way I was being treated a lot of the time. So I learned how to have firm boundaries. Firm as fuck boundaries.

Mind, this is a lot easier to manage once you reach a certain age, because you honestly stop caring what others think.
But know this: you deserve to be treated well by everyone that you treat well. Mutual respect and care is incredibly important. And if someone is just using you for kindness, please show them the backside of the door.

What's your age?

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woodenforest · 16/06/2022 00:43

Yankeescot · 16/06/2022 00:32

My darlin,
you need to get fed up. Properly fed up with any garbage treatment.
I used to be a people pleaser. Still am to a degree as I have a very high level of empathy.

But I got absolutely fed up to the back of my teeth with the way I was being treated a lot of the time. So I learned how to have firm boundaries. Firm as fuck boundaries.

Mind, this is a lot easier to manage once you reach a certain age, because you honestly stop caring what others think.
But know this: you deserve to be treated well by everyone that you treat well. Mutual respect and care is incredibly important. And if someone is just using you for kindness, please show them the backside of the door.

What's your age?

@Yankeescot I tend to get fed up, set very harsh boundaries or explode and then feel so bad after and overcompensate! It’s a vicious cycle. I constantly worry if I say no to people they will set out to harm me (not physically) but like just make my life difficult.

I’m 24!

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Yankeescot · 16/06/2022 01:01

@woodenforest I'm happy that you recognize this trait at such a young age. But, you're not fed up enough if you have the explosion and reversion to overcompensation.
Properly fed up is saying, "yup, I'm out" if it's anything that's happened more than once. Although, if your boundaries include cheating, lying and other douchebag behaviour, once is enough. Don't be afraid to walk from things that aren't working for you.

If my now 56 year old self could tell my 24 year old self, it would be to not put up with crappy man behaviour. You're golden and deserve to be treated as well as you treat your partner. And stick to it. This isn't being bitchy or unreasonable. It's just a calm and measured, I'm walking if you treat me poorly. And being really ok with walking if that's what it comes to.

We're all beautiful and unique beings. And we deserve to be treated that way. Honestly ask yourself at times that you've been treated poorly if that person would have behaved that way towards their boss? And you'll have your answer. If you're being treated in a manner someone wouldn't treat their boss, whom they don't have a super personal connection with, why bother.

The second I implemented boundaries, I started to be treated soooooo much better all around. And the calibre of people in my life improved immensely! I have life long friends that will always be there, as we've always treated each other like gold. But the people that you meet in adulthood, and especially relationship wise as you age, it's a crap shoot.

Find your line in the sand my dear. And stick to it. You deserve it

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NovelFarmer · 16/06/2022 01:47

Can you give any examples?

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Fourhorses · 16/06/2022 02:39

I advise buying a copy of ‘Codependent no more’ by Melody Beattie. It’s an eye opener and it addresses you OP completely.good luck keeping trying to figure it out and work to beat it x

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Fourhorses · 16/06/2022 02:40

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FlowerArranger · 16/06/2022 02:43

Fourhorses · 16/06/2022 02:39

I advise buying a copy of ‘Codependent no more’ by Melody Beattie. It’s an eye opener and it addresses you OP completely.good luck keeping trying to figure it out and work to beat it x

Seconded

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FlowerArranger · 16/06/2022 02:44

Would add Women Who Love Too Much to the list of useful reads.

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NotSorry · 16/06/2022 08:23

I got recommended this, I listened to the audio version - I found it was little steps and being prepared for the users in your life to push back when you’re not playing ball anymore

Book

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IodineQueen · 16/06/2022 08:40

This is me and is something I’m trying to work on. I think it’s because everything I did as a child was wrong, it was always my fault.

It’s done me no favours at all. Bad relationship after bad relationship because I always give them the benefit of the doubt, a second, third, fourth, fifteenth chance. Ultimately I guess I would rather I feel bad than someone else feel bad.

For example, one of my exes used to have terrible rages. I made excuses for him… he’s stressed, he’s troubled, he didn’t mean it, it must be me, I don’t want to hurt him. Where did it get me? The relationship ended years ago and I’ve ignored all contact since, but he’s still harassing me. He’s even found a way to do it that gets round the law.

Another ex was very controlling but I excused his behaviour because he was ‘insecure’, damaged, difficult childhood etc. It ended up with him assaulting me and I still forgave him because he was so very sorry and I didn’t want him to feel bad.

It’s almost like on an unconscious level I feel it’s my duty to sacrifice my feelings for the sake of somebody else’s, which probably stems from being designated as an emotional crutch for my mother from a very early age.

Like you I’ve had years of therapy but it’s deeply ingrained and I struggle to put it into practice. I’m in my 30s now so still relatively young and determined to change it. You’re younger still and have more insight into it than I did at that age.

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Time40 · 16/06/2022 09:03

Fully realise that most people don't care about you. They don't even care (much) if you are alive or dead - and some of them won't care at all. I find this helps a lot!

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woodenforest · 16/06/2022 09:37

NovelFarmer · 16/06/2022 01:47

Can you give any examples?

@NovelFarmer sure. So for example, I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship and I spend so much time worrying about what others think. I finally met his friends who added me on social media and I regret it because I keep wondering if I post something they might not like and tell him (he doesn’t have social media) but I’m very conservative on it. For example, my DP has gained a lot of weight and doesn’t want to be posted and I respect that, so I don’t post him. The friends in question post each other constantly (they’re a couple) and I always worry I must look like I’m portraying to be single on social media. I keep feeling like I’ve done something wrong and they will find a reason not to like me and tell my DP who will take their thinking on.

Another example is with my friends. I feel like when my friends have an issue of any kind and vent to me, I am there with open arms and ears. I listen thoroughly and have been dubbed as the therapist friend, and basically give them a 10 step program for their issue (exaggeration but you know what I mean, help them in every way). However, when I have an issue, I get short replies like “oh I’m so sorry”, I can tell they’ve not even taken in what I’ve told them and basically the opposite of what I do for them which frustrates me to no end. In return, it makes me just stop replying and/or be short back, then in a day’s time I will basically overcompensate for what I believe was me being abrupt. It’s a vicious cycle!

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Jellycatspyjamas · 16/06/2022 13:00

I feel like when my friends have an issue of any kind and vent to me, I am there with open arms and ears. I listen thoroughly and have been dubbed as the therapist friend, and basically give them a 10 step program for their issue (exaggeration but you know what I mean, help them in every way). However, when I have an issue, I get short replies like “oh I’m so sorry”

Start doing the same to them, a quick “that sounds really tough, I’m so sorry” and let them on their way. Or tell them what you need from them - someone to listen to you, to help you unpick things, take your mind off whatever it is. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, decide ahead of time what you want to offer someone else and stick to that like glue.

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Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 13:11

Why do you think you are less important than others? Can you explain it?

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woodenforest · 16/06/2022 13:22

@Watchkeys it’s hard to explain. I’ve always felt like an outsider, the odd one out, the black sheep etc. I know I feel this way due to a family member telling me when I was growing up non stop how “weird” I was because I wouldn’t do the things they wanted and things like that. But now, I always assume I’m a bad person and people don’t like me and maybe I’m constantly doing something wrong. I always sit and try pick what makes me not “normal”

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Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 13:23

And who makes the rules about how you 'should' be? Where do you get your guidance from about what 'normal' is?

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/06/2022 13:26

OP, I second the Melody Beattie book and I'd also suggest investigating Co-Dependents Anonymous, or, if you have addiction in your family background, Al-Anon UK.

It sounds like you've spent a lot of time working on WHERE the co-dependency arose from but now you need a program to change how you live your life and develop healthy relationships. Coda and AlAnon will help you do that, if you want to. They are also great for building healthy friendships.

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woodenforest · 16/06/2022 13:30

@Watchkeys I know it’s not a concrete guideline but for me, I observe others around me. I will sometimes talk to my friends or DP about what I’m anxious about or overthink the most extreme scenarios, and the people around me just can’t fathom where these ideas have came from as they’re not realistic.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thank you. Just curious, is this something that is a result of addiction? Because you’ve hit the nail on the head. I lost my mother as a child and my father had to raise me who had drug/alcohol addiction.

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Fourhorses · 16/06/2022 19:14

If your were raised by an alcoholic, 99% yes that’s the cause and also even more reason to buy Melody Beatties book and it is very much geared towards those raised within or married to an alcoholic. I am guessing it will answer a lot of your questions, it’s so well written.

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Justtryingtobehelpful · 19/06/2022 14:19

I would add 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.

Boundaries by Dr. Cloud

Harriet Lerner

YOUTUBE
Women of Impact
Dr. Cloud
Dr. Ramani

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Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 14:37

Yankeescot · 16/06/2022 00:32

My darlin,
you need to get fed up. Properly fed up with any garbage treatment.
I used to be a people pleaser. Still am to a degree as I have a very high level of empathy.

But I got absolutely fed up to the back of my teeth with the way I was being treated a lot of the time. So I learned how to have firm boundaries. Firm as fuck boundaries.

Mind, this is a lot easier to manage once you reach a certain age, because you honestly stop caring what others think.
But know this: you deserve to be treated well by everyone that you treat well. Mutual respect and care is incredibly important. And if someone is just using you for kindness, please show them the backside of the door.

What's your age?

This.

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Dery · 19/06/2022 16:58

Another vote here for Codependent No More.

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Justtryingtobehelpful · 28/06/2022 09:33

Remember that people will push back against you constantly every time that you tried to do things for yourself. Every time that you tried to put the boundary in. Every time that you try to stick to what you know you need to do for yourself or you want to do for yourself.

You will be tested constantly by the people around. They already know that you don't stick to your word so they're going to hear check and see if you really mean it.

One of my most disappointing realizations was that the people that I thought would support me in trying to do this didn't support me. In actual facts they tested me to see if the could get me to go back on my word. I been the polite people played at that I was capitulated to them and their request.

Later I overheard them we counting the story and I realise they had done it on purpose and they were laughing about the fact that they 'got' me to do that.

It made me so immensely angry. Angry at myself for not asking some questions and checking that's what I had thought in my head was true instead of just assuming and trying to do the best I could for that person.

It was incredibly disappointed in that person because I thought they were somebody that I could trust and rely upon. To hear them speak so dismissively I what I was trying to do in setting up boundary was incredibly hurtful.

Get it remind me of the comment above it said you need to get fed up as in you need to get mad you need to get angry and you need to be 100-percent firm in certain that back injury and guarding it and maintaining it and sticking to it. Basically Peter assholes and they're going to check and prod and test you.

You will get angry and that is good you need to find your anger and use it to protect yourself at all costs. Did the something that everyone else is an a and nobody has your back and the only person he's going to look after you is actually you!

More books:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace
Invisible Women
Why Women Are Blamed For Everything?
Rage Becomes Her
The Dance of Anger
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (great book)

These are not books specifically about setting boundaries. They are about how female conditioning happens in the world. If you start to become more aware of that you will be better prepared to to observe how and why you're reacting in certain ways with others. You will start to be able to analyse why people make assumptions about what you're going to do for them. They are expecting you to react like a woman and do whatever it is that you need to do to Sacrifice in order to make their lives easier.

When you get behind your anger at all these things you will be able to be more cold hearted and analytical about it and stop in the moment and think no F you are not going to do that.

Maybe give yourself 6-months of reading and watching for moments where you kick yourself after words when you realise what happened.

Then give yourself another 3 to 6-months where you try to notice it in the moment and deal with it. But if you don't know this in the moment give yourself permission to go back and deal with it as quickly as possible afterwards. Remember each of these horrible experiences is a learning moment. It is better to be angry about it afterwards when you realise then to just continue on not realising why you're so angry.

You're angry because somebody has pressed against and stepped on your boundary and eroded into your personal space whether emotionally, physically, psychologically. The anger will be immense at the beginning because you've repressed it for so long but it will get better the more that you take active steps to deal with all the shit that is coming up.

Then after a year you're aiming to have a year of dealing with this nonsense as it arises that is your aim. You've got 12 months to do with this so every time that you take one tiny little small step towards it fantastic!

As he keeps talking about in the when I say no book start with people who are customer service who are in the outside of your life and you don't have any emotional ties with. They are much easier to not be emotionally triggered by when you're stating a boundary and sticking to it. That because also fabulous because it gives you very specific things that you can say in difficult situations in order to to not have somebody force you to do what they want to do. He's literally the guy that the term broken record came from. When you refuse to be b&b directed away from what you want because you just keep saying the same thing back to the other person about what it is that you want.

This is the response I actually wanted to give you previously but I don't have the time to sit down and type it all out for you. I am in the beginning to middle way of the final phase where I'm starting to deal with stuff in the moment. Been a long difficult journey. I hope you all the best.

If you can find some people around you who are like this straight up no b* takers then model yourself on them at the beginning as in that is the type of person that you want to be. Good have that aspiration. You will eventually find your own style of saying no to people.

The words of Karen Davis, a definite role model on YouTube, 'Stay strong, ladies!!!!!!' 💯😁👍

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notlongtoo · 28/06/2022 09:48

You need to accept that you cannot be all things to all people.

Plus, as you get older, you become less worried what people think.
If you are never going to meet them again, does it REALLY matter what they think about you?
Yes, you try to help your friends, when and where you can. But even this is not possible every time, and sometimes you have to say "Sorry, but NO" or "Not today; next week perhaps?"

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