Accused of having borderline personality disorder by ex

[statementstate]

Really need some insight here from someone with experience and professionals if there are any on here.

I had just come out of an 8 year relationship, with 2 children.
In 8 years my partner did the following:

1. He cheated on me 3 times within our first year together. My reaction to each one was to say that I wanted to split, but each time, he convinced me to stay. After a year I was pregnant with our first child. Things seemed ok. He was 24 I was 30, for context.


2. I uncovered he was a poker addict 1 month before my daughter was born. We had both saved 1000 each in order to buy all the things she needed. He confessed that he gambled it away and I had to pay for everything. It took him a year to give me back about 1 third of the money I had spent. My reaction to him telling me he had a gambling problem was to get him help. Took him to GA, but eventually he stopped going.


3. He cheated once again. My reaction was calm and we talked it over. I forgave him but then the gambling continued. I told him he better leave my country, return to his and get therapy. I said I would take care of the baby alone and maybe we'd try again when he was better.


4. He begged me for a year to get back together. During which he was depressed and needed my support. So living apart in two different countries by the, I made sure facilitated the relationship between him and my daughter, by visiting once, sometimes twice a month. Then I moved back in with him from my country to his. He immediately said we needed to have another baby. He had just gotten a great new job and things were looking up for him. Within 3 weeks I was pregnant. When I told him, he hit the roof. He had a sudden change of heart. Said that he was thinking about having an open relationship and a baby wouldn't be good for us. I didn't agree initially to have a termination. But after 3 episodes of physical abuse, I did terminate. The first was him pushing me into the door because I had forgotten to take out the washing as he asked. The second was he backhand slapping me in the face because I almost dropped milk on a hat of his. The third was him telling me that he wanted to take a baby on his scooter the morning after a night out where he was drunk to the point of puking. My reaction (1st one of anger) was to scream at him "NO YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER" after him constantly persisting. He then grabbed my throat and starting choking me in front of our child.


5. He planned a trip away with friends, out of the country, and had planned to have an affair there with one of the girls on the trip. This was a trip I was initially invited on. I found out from looking at his phone. My reaction was calm, and I told him that I wanted to leave. He told me that it would be better to have an open relationship and co parent.


6. One night our daughter was unwell, 2 years old at the time. Late at night she came into our room crying and climbing into our bed. He got very mad and kept shouting at her to go to her room, and that he needed to sleep for work in the morning. Bearing in mind that, he typically goes to bed very late because he stays awake until he early hours playing poker. The baby kept crying and trying to cling to me. He got out of the bed, ranting and raving and dragged her from my arms and put her in the bed. She screamed and try to run in but he closed the door. My reaction was that I immediately got up consoled her and slept on the floor next to her bed.


7. My parents came for two weeks to help out with childcare. I was going to travel back with them to spend time in my own country. We all got to the airport and my dad realised he has lost his passport. He had to go back to our apartment. My ex let him in, didn't offer him a drink or any words or console him. My dad went into our Childs room because my ex was playing poker, basically ignoring him. My dad slept on the floor and my ex didn't offer to leave the living room to allow him to sleep on the sofa. The following day, he told him where the consulate was and went to work. My reaction was to tell him he had behaved poorly and I was freaked out about how cruel he had been


8. My ex went out one evening and didn't come home. By 7pm the next day he finally made contact by video call and told me he has been arrested and spent the night in jail for drunk driving. He then told me with a very straight face that he had slept with someone else that night. My reaction was NOTHING. I just walked away and started to plan my escape.


9. By the 6 month mark of us moving there, he had not helped with our child at all, although we both worked full time, he turned stone cold on me and said he wanted to split. We agreed I would stay in the country but move out


10. Within a few days he was on tinder, while I was still living there. My reaction was also to go on tinder.


11. After a week, he had met "the one" he met her on a Friday, I was out of the country for the weekend and he was looking after our daughter. He left our daughter with his mum and went on the date. The next day he brought his new love out to a soft play with our daughter. I arrived back home Sunday night. He told me he met his soul mate and that he wanted her to sleep in our house for a few days for half the week because she needed to be in town for work. My reaction, I said I would think about it (CRAZY)... by the morning, I decided that I was not prepared to leave our flat with out daughter and stay somewhere else so his new girl could move in. He kicked off, told me I was dead to him. So, I booked a flight and told him I would go back home for a while.


12. When I got back to my country, I decided I couldn't move back there. I left our daughter with my parents and I went back to get more our things. When I got there he had already started moving my things to the storage. One night, I was asleep on the sofa and I went into the bedroom to get the phone charger. He was asleep. I had a bottle of water in my hand and some of it fell on the bed as I leaned over him to unplug his phone. He jumped out of bed and attacked me. He threw me across the room. I had already warned him that fig he touched me again, I would hit him back. My reaction was to push him back, and we then got into a physical fight. I tried my best to fight him, but he had the upper hand. He stepped on my head and he choked me. He choked me until my eyes were streaming. He let go and I left and went to a friends. He called his mother and told her I had marked him in the fight and played the victim. My reaction was to send an apology, excusing my behaviour, telling him maybe it was the result of stress, but also the fact that I wouldn't allow him to be physical to me again.


13. The next day, I was preparing to leave. Just before I left for the airport, he called me and asked me to go to the market to buy an array of seafood. This was February 14th. I asked him why. He said he wanted to prepare a romantic valentines dinner for his new girlfriend. I hung up on him and I left.

I didn't speak to him for about 8 weeks after all of this. During which time I had to chase him for child support.

This is half of the story, but I will stop here as it is a lot to read. I just want to hear from anyone who has managed to read it all if I have shown any signs of having borderline from all my reactions to these incidents. If anyone would like me to continue with the story I will. The rest of the story is where the most significant things happen and what I truly need advice on, so I hope someone will at least wish for me to continue. Thanks for reading thus far.

No worries OP, you are not alone, men like that often target strong women unfortunately. Please disregard anything LooseGoose22 is recommending, they seem quite misinformed, including the social services advice. It may be turn out to be a good idea in the end but better to talk to women’s aid first (if you’re in the UK) as they will have a good read on what your next steps could be. Unfortunately while social services are often well intentioned they are also over stretched and not always well trained in matters of domestic abuse. I could be wrong about that so an organisation like Women’s aid will be probably be able to give you the most up to date advice.

All the things you've listed are about his behaviour. There's no clues in there about whether or not you have BPD. He on the other hand clearly has a plethora of issues himself, and you need to do whatever is necessary to make sure you don't take him back for a 5th time.

The OP is in a high stakes situation, the fact that he’s teeing up a BPD diagnosis for OP is a clear and quite common indication that he intends to undermine her valid claims of abuse, and is quite likely to try to undermine her as a parent.

It is clear that RIGHT NOW he is engaging in yet more abuse, and what is more it is working. It is undermining HER.

She has not yet made any claims of abuse, and even in the utterly unlikely event of a BPD diagnosis, it would not be held against her if she did in fact make a legal claim of abuse against him. OP needs to seek the help of those with experience of defending women from abusive relationships such as Womens Aid.

What you have just engaged in, however well intentioned, is victim-blaming. I refer you to my previous post where there are links to several articles outlining answers to the questions you ask. Educate yourself or say nothing, do not weigh in when you haven’t so much as read a Wikipedia page on this topic.

I have not seen any victim blaming. Op is being helped to understand that she does not need to give any credence to the claims of a bullying abuser. She doesn't need to know why he does it or why she is conditioned to believe it. She simply needs to hear from others that this is all nonsense and walk away and learn to ignore. The 'why' can come out later in therapy.

Why do you imagine it is 'blaming' her to point out that she does not need to listen to the screechings of an abuser who fears losing his control over her?

Is he a qualified psychiatrist? No

Does his opinion matter? No, he's an ex. He is irrelevant.

Move on, have a lovely summer, enjoy the sunshine, be kind to yourself x

So why now this diagnosis after a couple episodes of me losing my shit in reaction to his behaviour?

Because he thinks he's finally lost you, he's a rapist (he had sex without your consent), a cheat, a liar, a gambler and a shit dad who has been continually enabled and forgiven despite utterly unforgivable behaviour.

He is losing control of you so is trying the last thing all abusive men do - trying to convince you that you're mentally ill and are therefore wrong to believe all of the above even though it's true.

Drop the rope. Don't engage. If he says you're mad etc then say "I've noted you believe that and won't be discussing it further", then don't.

If his mum says it, block her. You have absolutely no obligation to maintain a relationship with someone who believes you're an unfit mother just because they're your child's grandparent.

But in order to show that it's a complete falsehood, you need to drop the rope and stop engaging with him other than absolutely necessary interactions re childcare.

He raped you. I would consider reporting that or at least calling rape crisis to discuss your options as it means he is a dangerous man. But reporting / not reporting is entirely your decision obviously.

The fact he has done that means he is an unsafe person to be around your child and that needs to be managed. I would involve professionals in that process but again that's your choice.

He is abusive emotionally, physically and sexually. It doesn't matter why he says what he says. It matters why you're considering it so deeply and why you continued to take him back / allow him in your home / give him so much headspace.

That is not an attack on you. It's an important question you should explore in therapy in order to ensure the cycle is broken and you don't repeat it with him or anyone else.

And I am so, so sorry for what your cousin did. It's terrible

why now this diagnosis

A diagnosis comes from a qualified, experienced professional and based on them interpreting complex data.

They can also be wrong.

Your abusive, unstable ex saying it because he heard or read it somewhere is not a diagnosis.

It is nothing.

Incidentally your ex is in no position to comment on anyone else's behaviour or personify. By rights he should be doing time for violence and rape at this time. His opinion is worth less than nothing.

*personality

IMHO it is still worth going to women's aid and social services with what you've posted about hos behaviour to date and he and his Mother's comments.

I'm very surprised by some of the responses to your post. To me it seems very clear that you have been with an abusive, manipulative partner for many years. He has previously managed to manipulate you into staying with him by making you question that abusive incidents even happened. That is gaslighting - trying to make it so you don't trust your own mind. Telling you that you have BPD and not believing him is a symptom of the disorder, is just another way to manipulate you into not trusting yourself.

Please please speak to some from domestic violence support services. You need a plan to cut contact safety so you can be free of him.

Your children don't need an abusive father in their life. They are better off without him and the damage he will do to them and you.

I am wishing you the best for this. It is really hard leaving an abusive partner. Please seek all the help you can get. You deserve to be happy and free from abuse - everyone does.

*He told me that if I deny his accusations, it means that I have it. He said that people with BPD always deny the first time a partner or family member points it out to them.

What the hell does he want me to do then? Agree with him?*

Yes, of course.

That's why he's phrased it that way.

He thinks it's the best "trap" ever.

"I say you are A.

If you say you aren't A, you're in denial. People always deny they're A at first. That proves they're A".

So whether you agree with me or not, you're A".

But people who aren't A, would say they're A either!!
SO THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

How do I refute what he is saying without sounding like I am in denial?

You don't.

Because he's not a court appointed professional psychologist.

He's just a violent, abusive, weirdo, rapist , cheating wanker.

If I didn't think it was a bad idea to respond to him at all ... I'd respond with "well I think you have antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder
, and would rate high on the psychopathy scale ..... if you deny any of those, that means you are ... because ppl with those disorders always deny they gave them I initially".

Blokes like this thrive on women always depending themselves and not turning anything around on them.

(Incidentally I do actually think he's gpt Antisocial personality disorder and or narcissistic personality disorder).

Stop engaging with his crazy, rapist, woman beater arse
And context women's aid and social services. Shoe them upur post.