Accused of having borderline personality disorder by ex

[statementstate]

Really need some insight here from someone with experience and professionals if there are any on here.

I had just come out of an 8 year relationship, with 2 children.
In 8 years my partner did the following:

1. He cheated on me 3 times within our first year together. My reaction to each one was to say that I wanted to split, but each time, he convinced me to stay. After a year I was pregnant with our first child. Things seemed ok. He was 24 I was 30, for context.


2. I uncovered he was a poker addict 1 month before my daughter was born. We had both saved 1000 each in order to buy all the things she needed. He confessed that he gambled it away and I had to pay for everything. It took him a year to give me back about 1 third of the money I had spent. My reaction to him telling me he had a gambling problem was to get him help. Took him to GA, but eventually he stopped going.


3. He cheated once again. My reaction was calm and we talked it over. I forgave him but then the gambling continued. I told him he better leave my country, return to his and get therapy. I said I would take care of the baby alone and maybe we'd try again when he was better.


4. He begged me for a year to get back together. During which he was depressed and needed my support. So living apart in two different countries by the, I made sure facilitated the relationship between him and my daughter, by visiting once, sometimes twice a month. Then I moved back in with him from my country to his. He immediately said we needed to have another baby. He had just gotten a great new job and things were looking up for him. Within 3 weeks I was pregnant. When I told him, he hit the roof. He had a sudden change of heart. Said that he was thinking about having an open relationship and a baby wouldn't be good for us. I didn't agree initially to have a termination. But after 3 episodes of physical abuse, I did terminate. The first was him pushing me into the door because I had forgotten to take out the washing as he asked. The second was he backhand slapping me in the face because I almost dropped milk on a hat of his. The third was him telling me that he wanted to take a baby on his scooter the morning after a night out where he was drunk to the point of puking. My reaction (1st one of anger) was to scream at him "NO YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER" after him constantly persisting. He then grabbed my throat and starting choking me in front of our child.


5. He planned a trip away with friends, out of the country, and had planned to have an affair there with one of the girls on the trip. This was a trip I was initially invited on. I found out from looking at his phone. My reaction was calm, and I told him that I wanted to leave. He told me that it would be better to have an open relationship and co parent.


6. One night our daughter was unwell, 2 years old at the time. Late at night she came into our room crying and climbing into our bed. He got very mad and kept shouting at her to go to her room, and that he needed to sleep for work in the morning. Bearing in mind that, he typically goes to bed very late because he stays awake until he early hours playing poker. The baby kept crying and trying to cling to me. He got out of the bed, ranting and raving and dragged her from my arms and put her in the bed. She screamed and try to run in but he closed the door. My reaction was that I immediately got up consoled her and slept on the floor next to her bed.


7. My parents came for two weeks to help out with childcare. I was going to travel back with them to spend time in my own country. We all got to the airport and my dad realised he has lost his passport. He had to go back to our apartment. My ex let him in, didn't offer him a drink or any words or console him. My dad went into our Childs room because my ex was playing poker, basically ignoring him. My dad slept on the floor and my ex didn't offer to leave the living room to allow him to sleep on the sofa. The following day, he told him where the consulate was and went to work. My reaction was to tell him he had behaved poorly and I was freaked out about how cruel he had been


8. My ex went out one evening and didn't come home. By 7pm the next day he finally made contact by video call and told me he has been arrested and spent the night in jail for drunk driving. He then told me with a very straight face that he had slept with someone else that night. My reaction was NOTHING. I just walked away and started to plan my escape.


9. By the 6 month mark of us moving there, he had not helped with our child at all, although we both worked full time, he turned stone cold on me and said he wanted to split. We agreed I would stay in the country but move out


10. Within a few days he was on tinder, while I was still living there. My reaction was also to go on tinder.


11. After a week, he had met "the one" he met her on a Friday, I was out of the country for the weekend and he was looking after our daughter. He left our daughter with his mum and went on the date. The next day he brought his new love out to a soft play with our daughter. I arrived back home Sunday night. He told me he met his soul mate and that he wanted her to sleep in our house for a few days for half the week because she needed to be in town for work. My reaction, I said I would think about it (CRAZY)... by the morning, I decided that I was not prepared to leave our flat with out daughter and stay somewhere else so his new girl could move in. He kicked off, told me I was dead to him. So, I booked a flight and told him I would go back home for a while.


12. When I got back to my country, I decided I couldn't move back there. I left our daughter with my parents and I went back to get more our things. When I got there he had already started moving my things to the storage. One night, I was asleep on the sofa and I went into the bedroom to get the phone charger. He was asleep. I had a bottle of water in my hand and some of it fell on the bed as I leaned over him to unplug his phone. He jumped out of bed and attacked me. He threw me across the room. I had already warned him that fig he touched me again, I would hit him back. My reaction was to push him back, and we then got into a physical fight. I tried my best to fight him, but he had the upper hand. He stepped on my head and he choked me. He choked me until my eyes were streaming. He let go and I left and went to a friends. He called his mother and told her I had marked him in the fight and played the victim. My reaction was to send an apology, excusing my behaviour, telling him maybe it was the result of stress, but also the fact that I wouldn't allow him to be physical to me again.


13. The next day, I was preparing to leave. Just before I left for the airport, he called me and asked me to go to the market to buy an array of seafood. This was February 14th. I asked him why. He said he wanted to prepare a romantic valentines dinner for his new girlfriend. I hung up on him and I left.

I didn't speak to him for about 8 weeks after all of this. During which time I had to chase him for child support.

This is half of the story, but I will stop here as it is a lot to read. I just want to hear from anyone who has managed to read it all if I have shown any signs of having borderline from all my reactions to these incidents. If anyone would like me to continue with the story I will. The rest of the story is where the most significant things happen and what I truly need advice on, so I hope someone will at least wish for me to continue. Thanks for reading thus far.

Drop the drama. Look at the story you're telling! There is one question you need to answer: If he hadn't said it, would you be considering that you might have a personality disorder? It's a yes or no. There doesn't need to be a massive story.

When you say you have come out of this relationship, have you really? Because the only problem here is that you stayed with this man who harmed you and harmed your child.

If you really have left him, and you are not just coming here asking us to validate some pointless unimportant accusation that this piece of shit has thrown at you because you are still embroiled in some needy pick-me argument to try to get him back, then what you need to do ASAP is the Freedom Programme. You can enrol online.

So no. You almost certainly do not have BPD although no-one can diagnose it on the internet, and it wouldn't make any difference if you were BPD. You have been in an abusive relationship for 8 years which makes you extremely vulnerable to another abusive relationship, or even the same abusive relationship.

@Watchkeys wow. drop the drama. That is harsh.

The reason I probably stayed so long is because I never told friends or family what was happening. For fear of embarrassment, shame and trying to protect my ex. So me keeping it all in led him to manipulate me into thinking things weren't as bad, or that I need to move on and forgive.. worse, that they didn't even happen. Also... he had a terrible childhood and I always excused things, thinking he needed me.
As time went on, I kind of blacked out the worst bits. Now that its over and I have this accusation that he's put on me to all his family, I'm just shocked at the fact he can go this low. I am fragile at the moment and I am questioning if he is right because of the physical fight and two other enraged arguments we had (not physical). In between all these "drama" episodes, we actually always got on very well. It would only blow up after I found out something new that he had done.

I am out of it for sure. I kicked him out 2 days ago. Now just dealing with this fallout and accusation. I felt relieved that he was finally leaving, until he told me that he fears for the children living with a borderline mother. It has floored me, hence why I am opening up to strangers online. I couldn't tell me family and friends the extent of things, they think I am a strong woman and they woud be hurt to know I stayed while all this happend. I am so disappointed in my weakness, and I am now seeking help for the first time.

@Haffiana I am absolutely out. This is the 4th time I have ended it. I never do the pick me. He always comes crying back, even if I go no contact, he worms his way in via the children. After the 2nd time, I stopped loving him and absolutely didn't want him back... but, I guess I caved each subsequent time so the children would have their father.

I think I just want to know if someone can develop BPD after an abusive relationship I guess.

I have not read all you wrote. The only thing to say is, don't accept any diagnosis from a person who is not trained to diagnose and who is not your doctor.

'Drop the drama' isn't harsh.

Saying it's harsh is quite dramatic though. Just stop being dramatic. Stop having a mare. Stop playing and replaying the story in your head as if it's a film.

People in abusive relationships do things they don't normally do. They're right at their limits due to the abuse, so they scream, shout, tantrum etc, when they are otherwise quite calm.

Do you exhibit signs of BPD when you're away from him, when you're with people who respect you?

@thecurtainsofdestiny I will keep that in mind. He told me that if I deny his accusations, it means that I have it. He said that people with BPD always deny the first time a partner or family member points it out to them. What the hell does he want me to do then? Agree with him? How do I refute what he is saying without sounding like I am in denial?
All the stuff I have been reading online about BPD is super negative and people are warned to stay away from individuals who suffer from it. I couldn't find anything anywhere to give advice to women who are accused of having this disorder by abusive exes.

''What you think of me is none of my business''.

You have to channel this defence. It's hard but every single time you feel those uncomfortable and unjust feelings at his distorted opinion of you think to yourself, mantra style ''what you think of me is none of my business''.

Defend yourself legally of course if required. But if he tells you that you have a personality disorder, say something vague like ''i agree that you think that'' and just don't defend yourself.

@Watchkeys that is the thing. I don't replay it all. For years I have pretended it didn't happen. Only to be told that I am the abusive one now that I kicked him out.

I have had 3 previous relationships. I am still friendly with all exes. Never had blow ups with them, never exhibited any of the traits for BPD. I have great friends and family and have never had any verbal or physical altercations with any of them. Admittedly though with him, the very few times I have reacted with rage, my anger has been quite heightened.

I just do not know how to counter act this. I am thinking just to not respond to anything and go no contact, which means my daughter will have to as well. Which he will then use against me too. I need to arm myself with more information before I let him and he mother run with this. I am here for advice.

Have you really come out of this relationship? You sound fully invested in it still. You’ve left 3 prev times. Why is this one different? You need to make it different.
im not really clear why you’re still talking to him so much. and why you seem to value his opinion so much.
unless your abusive ex is a GP (and really even then) I would pay no mind to his opinion.
you need to move on and get you and your dc safe.
if you really can’t see all the drama and red flags here you need to speak to a professional about that, not the borderline which sounds entirely made up

Only a trained therapist can diagnose you.

I would say there is something clearly wrong if you stayed throughout all this.

Maybe not a Personality disorder. But your boundaries are warped. Most people would have walked a lot sooner.

Frankly he sounds a dickhead. I would ignore anything he says.

But i would investigate some therapy to build your boundaries and self worth for the future.

It sounds like a relationship my friend has just escaped from. She has massive attachment issues. Despite knowing her ex was a prick she kept going back. It's taken counselling to help her unpick why.

I gave up by point 8. I don't understand why halfway through point 1 you didn't end it and have nothing further to do with him.

I'm not a medical professional so can't say if you have BPD. But I can say that you have VERY bad judgement. Keep away from this man. Stop interacting with him. Who cares if he says you have BPD? His opinion is worthless. Stop thinking about what he says and start thinking about how you cut him out of your life permanently. you say this is the 4th time you've ended it. That's pretty sad. You should have done it once right at the beginning and stuck to it. Please get some counselling and make sure there isn't a 5th time.

I will keep that in mind. He told me that if I deny his accusations, it means that I have it. He said that people with BPD always deny the first time a partner or family member points it out to them.

But so what if he says this? He is an abusive cunt. Who cares what he thinks? What does it matter what he calls you? He is finished with now. It is over, he is dumped, and he is out of your life.

Why are you giving it any headspace at all? So he tells his family - well, if they listen to him, then you need to erase them from your life as well. He is unimportant to you now. He is EX.

Really, OP. You don't need to respond to ANYTHING he says unless it is about his turn to look after the children. Do not respond, and certainly stop bloody considering to what this small, irritating gnat says.

Can you google Gray Rock?

OK. This is how it goes: If lots of people you love and trust tell you you have a problem, consider that you might have that problem. If one person tells you you have a problem and nobody else thinks you do, you get that person out of your life.

You know he abuses you, so you know he'll do things just to get at you. He's found something that's close to home for you, somehow. If he told you that you were actually from planet zog, and that you had 6 legs, you'd say he was crazy and laugh in his face, because you're confident that those things are not true. But part of you believes this BPD crap he's spouting.

It's your self-doubt that's causing the problem here. But the only thing wrong with you is him. Remove him from the equation and you have no dramatic stories, no abuse, no BPD.

You are responsible for your own well being. Remove anybody from your life who makes you feel like shit about yourself. If you can't remove them, create huge emotional distance. Drop the drama. He is the drama.

Only a trained professional can diagnose you with BPD and it doesn't sound like he is one.

I agree with other posters that you seem to care a lot about his opinion which indicates yours still very emotionally invested in this. If I were you, I would seek therapy to try and discover why you have stayed so long with a physical and emotional
abuser.

@ChairPose9to5 I could use that tactic.

@Shedcity I actually wasn't in it the 4th time since he came back, he forced his way into my home by telling me he had to rent his home because he was out of money, and he needed to spend time with the children as he was depressed (there are 2). In the months I allowed him to stay, I was not intimate or affectionate... he physically repulsed me and I didn't want him to be near me. Then he forced me into sex, without consent while I was half asleep and started think he could treat me badly again. So yes... there is not an ounce of me that would have him even near me ever again. I definitely need to seek therapy to understand why my boundaries are so shot to hell. In every other aspect of my life, they're not. Just with him.

@gogogadgetgo something is definitely wrong that I can't understand about myself, and I have made contact with a therapist today.

@HundredMilesAnHour There won't be a 5th. The only reason why I am concerned is because he said I shouldn't have the children. He said this all to me before he left, and his mum has now contacted me to say she is worried for the kids having a mother with BPD. I have been ignoring his communication.

It sounds so mad writing all this stuff down. How could have allowed this?

Just stop it. Why do you give a fuck about what he says or thinks? He knows Jack shit about anything other than poker, shagging, hitting women and being a shit dad.

This is distracting you from focusing on the actual issues which are:

• why you have allowed another human to treat you with such contempt for such a long time.
• why you have not taken steps sooner to protect your child from being exposed to this.
• what you are going to do next to ensure that your tiny child is never exposed to this again.

something is definitely wrong that I can't understand about myself

It's that when something happens in your relationship that feels bad to you, you question whether you're right, rather than just moving away from the source of the bad feeling. It's like keeping your hand in the fire and questioning whether you're right to be screaming.

You will have learned as a child that your feelings were not very important. Parent who prioritised the bottle/drugs, even though it distressed you? Parents prioritising fighting, even though it distressed you? Parents working too hard to give you attention, even though it distressed you?

If you can think back to when you were first thinking 'This hurts me, but I have to put up with it, maybe it's because I screwed up somehow, but I've no idea how...', it'll be useful.

@ItWillBeOkHonestly there is zero emotional investment. I am just concerned that this disorder paints a picture of me being an abuser and then being a bad mother, which I am not. My kids are so well looked after and loved so deeply. Everyone tells me I am good mother for how they've turned out. He has even said it a million times before now.

So why now this diagnosis after a couple episodes of me losing my shit in reaction to his behaviour? Did I just develop it?

I think I am going to ask the therapist what she thinks and then I may have to seek for someone else to be mediary between him and the children. I will not allow him to throw this at me and have me questioning myself online when the facts are that he is an evil son of a bitch who is probably manipulating me. I just need some expert advise and help, which I am hoping this therapist will give. I feel like a fool for even being affected by this. I should be used to it by now.

@Watchkeys I was never abused by either parent in the slightest. They did wonderfully, I am lucky to have them and I have a close relationship with them now as well.

I was sexually abused (touched) by a cousin from 5-11.

I never told my parents until I was older because I couldn't bear to hurt them and my aunt who was lovely to me always as a child. How could that have had any effect?

@statementstate you have been the victim of severe abuse. You are not to blame for it. You still care about what he says about you and his accusations because abusers are excellent at what they do sadly. Because they are “good” at what they do ie: undermining you, distorting reality, threatening you and people around you, making you feel guilty, making you feel powerless, making you feel hysterical, it can be hard to feel like you are fully out of their power even when the relationship is over. It might be awhile before you fully feel you are out from under his game and his rules.

I am not an expert in BPD but I do have a some background in psychology and a good working knowledge of domestic abuse. I can’t diagnose you, neither can he. However, accusing a female partner of some kind of psychopathology such as BPD is extremely common among abusers, as is the counterclaim of abuse. If what you say is true, I fully trust that it is, you have certainly been victimised by an abuser.

I recommend you read “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft, as soon as possible if you haven’t already. This book will help you to understand what has been happening to you.

Please don’t pay too much attention to any posts giving you a hard time. Abusive people are very hard to deal with and can be extremely dangerous. They are very skilled at controlling people, they may seem out of control- but seeming out of control is usually their way of staying in control of you. It’s a shame that there isn’t more education around it, but there isn’t. Abuse can happen to anyone, it isn’t about who you are, it’s about who they are, you were unlucky. Everyone is confident that they would never put up with X,Y, Z until they are faced with the kind of abuser who really knows how to manipulate them.

I would recommend, when you are ready, finding abuse survivor support groups online or locally, Therapy with a therapist who has expertise in abuse is important (this is not a very common specialty so make sure to research carefully). Get help from domestic abuse organisation like Women’s Aid, ask them for advice on how to get appropriate legal representation.

Take it one day at a time, you will be okay again soon. Good luck 💐

This video might also be of interest, one woman’s story if abuse and why she didn’t leave:
Why victims don’t leave

It simply isn’t true to say that you only stay in an abusive relationship if you have problems yourself.

You may well have a PD, BUT, all we have heard about is what he has done. And how you have (or haven’t reacted). Fighting back is not a sign of a PD.

On average it can take a woman 8-12 leavings before they stay gone. 4 times is actually pretty strong of you.

HIS behaviour is a nightmare, and I recognise it unfortunately. Love bombing to keep you/get you back, and then changing the rules/saying he’s changed his mind about something as big as a baby… physical abuse, abusing your daughter. Being told he’s depressed, so you have to continue to be involved, even when you’re away.

You do NOT need to wonder about your own part in this right now, you just JUST need to stay away. Truly. Leave it all to the solicitor, however you get through this it has to be through 3rd parties. Just STOP contacting him.

It is also text book to threaten using your mental health/PD possibilities as a way to keep you in line and get the courts on side. Absolutely classic.

Please get some more advice. I just had to scroll up to check, I thought this was in AIBU the way people are laying into you.

Your ability to see the woods for the trees is severely compromised, hence giving us so much detail (which doesn’t really tell us very much about how you act). You are in survival mode, freezing/fighting/running, it’s all about being around a dangerous, manipulative person.

The sooner you can block him, apart from any necessary visitation etc, the better.

Good luck.

@Ofcourseandyouknowit - ha, cross post, and much more useful!

@statementstate - I’ve just seen your last post. It is possible that because of your childhood trauma (even if you feel that it has had zero impact on you), has contributed to you being a bit unusual in your reactions. The dissociating, for example, is a normal way of shutting down when you’re under threat. During your childhood it was as if you existed in two separate worlds, the one with your cousin, and the one with your “wonderful” parents and aunt. (I only use quotation marks because it is all subjective. You were more worried about them being upset than getting help, which might be interesting to unpack with the therapist).

If anything, having previously kept secrets, and felt powerless to stop someone being abusive, you have managed to cope with this situation longer because you’ve been in similar before.

Please don’t underestimate the impact of previous experiences. Just because they weren’t violent, doesn’t mean that they haven’t twisted your view of what you should have to put up with.

The only thing to say is, don't accept any diagnosis from a person who is not trained to diagnose and who is not your doctor.

This!!! Abusive arseholes spout such obvious bullshit, it’s part of their MO.

Why do you care so much what this fuckwit thinks of you? There’s only one reason he said what he said and it was to get this exact reaction from you. Disengage, disengage, disengage.

Be honest with your family, yes they will be upset but upset for you. I think the real reason you haven’t told them is if you did, there would be no way back if you did.

Unlikely you have developed BPD bit extremely likely you have a lot of trauma to work through thanks to this guy.

Please walk away, block all contact that isn't necessary for custody reasons, anyone in your life who insists on bringing him up needs to be blocked too. Only surround yourself with supportive people. And go get yourself some professional help ASAP.

And STOP LISTENING TO THIS MAN!!!! He is obviously terrible, why would you believe a word he says?