Accused of having borderline personality disorder by ex

[statementstate]

Really need some insight here from someone with experience and professionals if there are any on here.

I had just come out of an 8 year relationship, with 2 children.
In 8 years my partner did the following:

1. He cheated on me 3 times within our first year together. My reaction to each one was to say that I wanted to split, but each time, he convinced me to stay. After a year I was pregnant with our first child. Things seemed ok. He was 24 I was 30, for context.


2. I uncovered he was a poker addict 1 month before my daughter was born. We had both saved 1000 each in order to buy all the things she needed. He confessed that he gambled it away and I had to pay for everything. It took him a year to give me back about 1 third of the money I had spent. My reaction to him telling me he had a gambling problem was to get him help. Took him to GA, but eventually he stopped going.


3. He cheated once again. My reaction was calm and we talked it over. I forgave him but then the gambling continued. I told him he better leave my country, return to his and get therapy. I said I would take care of the baby alone and maybe we'd try again when he was better.


4. He begged me for a year to get back together. During which he was depressed and needed my support. So living apart in two different countries by the, I made sure facilitated the relationship between him and my daughter, by visiting once, sometimes twice a month. Then I moved back in with him from my country to his. He immediately said we needed to have another baby. He had just gotten a great new job and things were looking up for him. Within 3 weeks I was pregnant. When I told him, he hit the roof. He had a sudden change of heart. Said that he was thinking about having an open relationship and a baby wouldn't be good for us. I didn't agree initially to have a termination. But after 3 episodes of physical abuse, I did terminate. The first was him pushing me into the door because I had forgotten to take out the washing as he asked. The second was he backhand slapping me in the face because I almost dropped milk on a hat of his. The third was him telling me that he wanted to take a baby on his scooter the morning after a night out where he was drunk to the point of puking. My reaction (1st one of anger) was to scream at him "NO YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER" after him constantly persisting. He then grabbed my throat and starting choking me in front of our child.


5. He planned a trip away with friends, out of the country, and had planned to have an affair there with one of the girls on the trip. This was a trip I was initially invited on. I found out from looking at his phone. My reaction was calm, and I told him that I wanted to leave. He told me that it would be better to have an open relationship and co parent.


6. One night our daughter was unwell, 2 years old at the time. Late at night she came into our room crying and climbing into our bed. He got very mad and kept shouting at her to go to her room, and that he needed to sleep for work in the morning. Bearing in mind that, he typically goes to bed very late because he stays awake until he early hours playing poker. The baby kept crying and trying to cling to me. He got out of the bed, ranting and raving and dragged her from my arms and put her in the bed. She screamed and try to run in but he closed the door. My reaction was that I immediately got up consoled her and slept on the floor next to her bed.


7. My parents came for two weeks to help out with childcare. I was going to travel back with them to spend time in my own country. We all got to the airport and my dad realised he has lost his passport. He had to go back to our apartment. My ex let him in, didn't offer him a drink or any words or console him. My dad went into our Childs room because my ex was playing poker, basically ignoring him. My dad slept on the floor and my ex didn't offer to leave the living room to allow him to sleep on the sofa. The following day, he told him where the consulate was and went to work. My reaction was to tell him he had behaved poorly and I was freaked out about how cruel he had been


8. My ex went out one evening and didn't come home. By 7pm the next day he finally made contact by video call and told me he has been arrested and spent the night in jail for drunk driving. He then told me with a very straight face that he had slept with someone else that night. My reaction was NOTHING. I just walked away and started to plan my escape.


9. By the 6 month mark of us moving there, he had not helped with our child at all, although we both worked full time, he turned stone cold on me and said he wanted to split. We agreed I would stay in the country but move out


10. Within a few days he was on tinder, while I was still living there. My reaction was also to go on tinder.


11. After a week, he had met "the one" he met her on a Friday, I was out of the country for the weekend and he was looking after our daughter. He left our daughter with his mum and went on the date. The next day he brought his new love out to a soft play with our daughter. I arrived back home Sunday night. He told me he met his soul mate and that he wanted her to sleep in our house for a few days for half the week because she needed to be in town for work. My reaction, I said I would think about it (CRAZY)... by the morning, I decided that I was not prepared to leave our flat with out daughter and stay somewhere else so his new girl could move in. He kicked off, told me I was dead to him. So, I booked a flight and told him I would go back home for a while.


12. When I got back to my country, I decided I couldn't move back there. I left our daughter with my parents and I went back to get more our things. When I got there he had already started moving my things to the storage. One night, I was asleep on the sofa and I went into the bedroom to get the phone charger. He was asleep. I had a bottle of water in my hand and some of it fell on the bed as I leaned over him to unplug his phone. He jumped out of bed and attacked me. He threw me across the room. I had already warned him that fig he touched me again, I would hit him back. My reaction was to push him back, and we then got into a physical fight. I tried my best to fight him, but he had the upper hand. He stepped on my head and he choked me. He choked me until my eyes were streaming. He let go and I left and went to a friends. He called his mother and told her I had marked him in the fight and played the victim. My reaction was to send an apology, excusing my behaviour, telling him maybe it was the result of stress, but also the fact that I wouldn't allow him to be physical to me again.


13. The next day, I was preparing to leave. Just before I left for the airport, he called me and asked me to go to the market to buy an array of seafood. This was February 14th. I asked him why. He said he wanted to prepare a romantic valentines dinner for his new girlfriend. I hung up on him and I left.

I didn't speak to him for about 8 weeks after all of this. During which time I had to chase him for child support.

This is half of the story, but I will stop here as it is a lot to read. I just want to hear from anyone who has managed to read it all if I have shown any signs of having borderline from all my reactions to these incidents. If anyone would like me to continue with the story I will. The rest of the story is where the most significant things happen and what I truly need advice on, so I hope someone will at least wish for me to continue. Thanks for reading thus far.

He cheated on me 3 times within our first year together. My reaction to each one was to say that I wanted to split, but each time, he convinced me to stay. After a year I was pregnant with our first child. Things seemed ok. He was 24 I was 30, for context.

I stopped reading soon after this (when you mentioned the physical abuse). Why did you stay with him and have a baby after he cheated on you 3 times? That was only within a space of a few months of knowing each other! At 30 you should’ve known better, you weren’t a naive 21 year old.

Also, why are you accepting a diagnosis from someone who isn’t a psychiatrist? You definitely need a psych. Not for BPD, but to discuss your low self-esteem and lack of boundaries. Good luck.

Why are you wasting your time having these conversations with him? In fact, why are you talking to him at all?
FWIW, many psychiatrists don’t believe BPD is an actual thing. A personality is how you behave, what makes you tick. It’s a spectrum upon everyone moves dependent on what’s happening in their life. There’s no ‘borderline’ as there’s no absolute definition of a ‘personality’. He’s gaslighting you, you’re letting him. Just stop talking to him!

This nasty man's opinion and thoughts should be of absolutely zero worth to you. The fact that he's still getting inside your head is alarming.

Get yourself into counselling to reset your boundaries and self worth.

And grey rock this man (Google it). Kids and finances only. No text communication, set up an email account that you communicate through. You need to clear your head from his narrative and get some perspective.

Op my lying cheating ex did exactly the same to me. It's an abuse tactic.

He did a massive number on my mental health and had me utterly convinced I had bpd. You need to grey rock him and not engage because it's all designed to break you down and keep your attention on him.

Your partner was abusive and as such, wants to make you out to be the bad guy. He has also probably watched the Amber Heard trial and seen how bpd was used to discredit her.

Give it no headspace. If anyone asks then: 'I most certainly am not. Gosh that man doesn't half talk a load of shite. I mean, inbetween all the cheating and galighting he does, quite frankly I don't know where he finds the time'.

public service announcement: I’m seeing a lot of naive questions asking the OP “why would you stay?”
I think given the seriousness of the situation that the OP finds herself in I think it’s appropriate for people to do a little research and reflection before they give opinions. The OP specifically asks for people with expertise in this area or that of mental health so perhaps click on at least 2 the below links before you wade in with a judgement so you can be at least somewhat informed on this issue. For the sake of the OP, but also for the sake of other people in your life who will deal with a similar issue at some point:

Video why don’t victims leave 13mins

Medium article why victims stay

Women’s Aid - why victims stay

Understanding the abuser in custody and visitation battles

Suffice to say asking “why didn’t she just leave?” Or some variation of that, is a bit like asking, “why didn’t they just tackle the school shooter to the ground?” Only the risk of harm by doing the former is probably greater and more insidious.

Educate yourselves on this issue PPs (those who have asked this kind of question) it will touch someone in your life sooner or later, and if you believe it could never happen to you- that actually puts you at higher risk.

Working on your self esteem and your mental health after a relationship like this one would be a good idea. But step away from this concern that you might have BPD or anything else your cheating, abusive ex says you might have. Do it for yourself.

And people with BPD are not bad - that is an offensive stereotype. One of the best line managers I ever had at work had BPD - she worked so hard on herself through counselling and medication and she was a wonderful person.

@Ofcourseandyouknowit thank you for taking time to write all of that. I appreciate it.
I will get that book and I watched the video. It was actually quite confronting to see the resemblance of my situation in what she said. The first year (despite the infidelities) he was actually super loving, always complimented me, said I inspired him, I completed him, and that I saved him. He is a very charming, fun and adventurous man. Still is... but those sides of him faded away when I left my life in my home country and moved to live in his. Isolated from my friends and family.

I am indeed taking it one day at a time. Initially I wasn't going to seek therapy, I just thought "I will deal with it myself" but I realise I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Thanks @lborgia wise words. I fully boxed away the abuse with my cousin. Especially because I kept it for so long as a secret until I was a teen, and then when I read something about abuse one day, I broke down and told my mum(my dad still doesn't know to this day)... I remember how much my mum was in disbelief and the time, and how much she cried. She was so hurt. The cousin did apologise, but his mum asked me to keep it between her us and not tell any more of the family. Meanwhile he went on to be abusive to other women, and I felt terrible for never being able to warn anyone. So...yeah I boxed that away.

@Endlesslaundry123 that's what I think. I don't myself having BPD traits, and none of my loved ones would either. But I have definitely been affected mentally. The anger I feel when i would get into confrontations with him would be rage filled. While he was always calmer. His mum is constantly whatsapping me to make sure I have Snapchat downloaded for our daughter to talk to her dad. She hasn't even given me a week.. the big blow up happened on Monday, and already im supposed to be in a negotiating mood. It's too much for me right now, but I guess it looks bad if I don't facilitate the contact when they ask.

Because you learned to silence your feelings. Which is exactly what you do when you go back to your abusive ex. It's exactly what you do when he is abusive to you and you try to make sense of it (via the 'perhaps I'm mentally ill?' route) rather than simply walking away.

Essentially, you learned to silence your strong feelings because something to do with you was hurtful/bad, and someone else's feelings were more important than dealing with what was hurting you.

Can you see the pattern?

What would have happened, if, when your ex very first mistreated you, you'd walked away for good, rather than reasoning, in your head, and excusing, and minimising your own distress? You wouldn't have had an abusive relationship, right? You'd just have this bloke in your distant past who treated you badly, once.

But what you did, just like when you were sexually abused, was to keep schtum and put up with it, because it seemed better than the alternative.

Have you told your parents what he's been doing to you? What did they say? Or if not, what do you think they'd say if you sat them down and spelled it all out to them, blow by blow? (I'm not suggesting you do this, just trying to get more of a picture of your relationship with them: you say they were wonderful, and I'm sure they were, but something stopped you telling them when something was seriously wrong, which indicates a glitch in the child/parent relationship)

Look for a psychiatrist to get that legal piece of paper that says you are fine and dandy.

❤You will get through this @statementstate sending you lots of virtual hugs and support

I skim read your posts.

Unless I've not seen it, this comment is not part of a court case around custody etc.

Am I right?

In that case I have absolutely zero clue why you are giving it 1 second of headspace.

Even if he hadn't done any of any of things he's done, unless he's a medical/industry professional giving an opinion in a court case (and even they can be challenged by other professionals) ..... his opinion is irrelevant.

But the fact is, that he is a violent, abusive, unstable, unfaithful, addict - a fuck up of a person.

Why would anything he says be valid?????!!!!

Why would it have any credence???

The only question you should be asking yourself is why you continued a relationship with him at each point wgete you should have ended it abd way you are listening to and questioning yourself about whatever bullshit someone so proveably unstable, mal adjusted, disordered, fucked up and poorly behaved is spouting???

Just because someone says something, doesbt mean it's true!!!!!

Especially when the someone is a cluster fuck mess of a human being themselves.

And are social services aware of all the things he's done in context of having access to your kids??

They should be.

Yes, it’s very obvious that you skim read the posts, and I’m sorry to have to be so blunt and rude about this but your post betrays pure ignorance on this topic. That ignorance is in my opinion is potentially very harmful for people in the position that OP finds herself in.
The OP is in a high stakes situation, the fact that he’s teeing up a BPD diagnosis for OP is a clear and quite common indication that he intends to undermine her valid claims of abuse, and is quite likely to try to undermine her as a parent.

What you have just engaged in, however well intentioned, is victim-blaming. I refer you to my previous post where there are links to several articles outlining answers to the questions you ask. Educate yourself or say nothing, do not weigh in when you haven’t so much as read a Wikipedia page on this topic.

The OP is in a high stakes situation, the fact that he’s teeing up a BPD diagnosis for OP is a clear and quite common indication that he intends to undermine her valid claims of abuse, and is quite likely to try to undermine her as a parent.

Teeing up for a bpd diagnosis?

A qualified professional, who could be challenged incidentally, would have to do that.

This is not in family Court, or any other court, is it?

And op has a comprehensive list of examples of his unstable, immoral and addictive behaviour.

Whi h hs why I asked if social services es have been made aware of the incidents in her op.

Op you seem more upset by what he has said to you.
He has attempted to kill you by choking you several times beaten you cheated on you several times, gambled money several times.
But you almost put the physical abuse as secondary in your post.
You know he is not qualified to diagnose you, so my advice is ignore this violent selfish bully and you and your dc start to have fun because it seems you have not had much of that lately xx

OP, go to a professional. You've been dealing with abuse for a long time, you need sb to help you get out of it. That person can also assess you for BPD and if your ex comes up with that in court you'll have that piece of paper to show.
However I wouldn't tell him about seeing an expert! Also, I wonder whether he's been reading the news about Amber & John too much... hence that peculiar comment?

The OP is in a high stakes situation, the fact that he’s teeing up a BPD diagnosis for OP is a clear and quite common indication that he intends to undermine her valid claims of abuse, and is quite likely to try to undermine her as a parent.

Ive read quickly through posts again....the op's ex has claimed she has bpd and if she denies it thT proves she has it. It I'd not clear what format this highly intellectual, insightful statement was made.

His mother has WhatsAppd (?) to say she's worried about her grand children being looked after by a woman with bad.

In spite if the fact that she only has her ex addiction, violent abuser and rapists son opinion on that.

Neither are psychological professionals.

Neither have stated these claims in any legal or social services context

If they were to, a. Op could list the behaviours of her ed in the op, including the incidents of violence and one of rape, which have apparent not been reported to date (?) And the treatment for addiction.

She could also b. Have a qualified psychologist counter such a claim anoit her, which g would have to be made by a qualified professional against in the first place.

But none if this is happening. He's saying she had bpd abd his mother is repeating it ....... and yet you srd here saying its "high stakes" and he's "teeing up for a diagnosis" .

You have Bern incredibly scathing about my post, yet I find yours to be one that is windng op up, worrying her, and giving credence/importance to their behaviour.

@Watchkeys well see, I've not allowed myself to see a pattern, because I don't talk to people.

I've watched my brothers over the years be best friends with the abusive cousin and have had to keep quiet, even when I did reveal it. When I write these things down now in this thread, I do start seeing things for what they are. However, everything still happened and I still need to put in so much effort to get out of it, when I feel completely weakened with no strength to do so. I am angry at myself for portraying myself as being a strong woman, when in fact I should have allowed myself to let people see me as a weak individual. Perhaps, then I would have been able to open up.

I felt strong and in control by keeping all these things in. The fall out of revealing things like things makes everything seem too real.

And I hate to admit it. But my very first relationship as a teen actually was with an abuser. He used to batter me. When writing earlier about if I had been abused, I didn't even allow myself to recall this. I just immediately recalled all the lovely relationships I had after as a young adult.

My dad knows veeeery little. I just tell him "we're not getting along" and my mum knows some stuff, but my mother will absolutely crumble if I tell her about the violent first boyfriend and that my ex was violent too. I may need to tell a friend first and then have the friend with me while I tell my parents. It's going to be awful.

@Oceanus is that possible??

@Ofcourseandyouknowit thank you for your support. Getting all the negative replies about "why did I stay?" is another reason why I haven't told people. It's like, 8 years too late and people would be in absolute shock to know what I have put up with. What will they think of me, especially when I put out such "strong, well put together woman" facade on. I am the one all my family and friends come to when they need advice or emotional support. They will think I am crazy! Especially as the list I wrote is only half of it.

@LooseGoose22 no social services know nothing. I was hoping I would not have to involve any legal parties. But now with this BPD thing, he is pushing me into that direction.

I have strongly suggested that op make socisl services aware of their behaviour and his background.

That is the sensible route at present.

quite common indication that he intends to undermine her valid claims of abuse

Op hasnt made any claims of abuse.

I believe she should, but that's not the scenario to date. It's like you're reading reading a different thread, yet viciously attacking others understanding of the thread.

The main issue has been op giving credence to his nonesensr claimbherzelg That needed tackled first, and that's what my post concentrated on (alongside briefing social services).

Oh and you also know nothing about anyones background on here to be arrogantly declaring that they should've comment when they haven't so much as read a Wikipedia article. Take your arrogance, and snappy soundbites elsewhere.

OP, without a doubt it's possible! You need to go to a person who's specialised in it, have a chat and they'll tell you how to proceed. I wouldn't talk to my GP, in case something else comes up during the assessment I wouldn't want known. Go to a pro without telling anyone and see how that goes. If the result suits you go ahead and make his life miserable, if it doesn't keep your mouth shut and get therapy for you issues, so when the time comes -if it comes- you'll be fine and you'll have an expert to support that claim.
Depending on the result, which I expect to be bloody negative, you can then proceed by complaining to Social Services your ex is alienating the DC and family by telling them you have a psychiatric illness which you don't - this is serious. I'd also go to the police and get help from a charity that supports DV victims (this I would get going now).

*The main issue has been op giving credence to his nonesensical claim herself

You don't have to reveal anything to anyone. This is about you recognising and accepting you, not anybody else.

You are out of this relationship. You are free. The constraints, now, are in your own mind, they are your responsibility. You can walk away, if you can grasp that you did nothing wrong, you were not weak, your actions made sense in the context they were in, and you don't have to talk to anybody about any of it until you feel like it.

This is yours, now. You are in charge. You are responsible for looking after the part of you that screams, and keeping her calm and comfortable. You do that by doing what you'd do with any screaming child: hold them, reassure them, make sure they know they are loved, listen to them, understand them. You don't do it by telling them they're weak, by being angry at them. Can you see how that would make the screaming louder and more frustrated?

You've been abused. There is an angry part of you because of this. And so there should be. That's the voice of your healthy boundaries, shouting at you.

This is very important, OP: There is nothing wrong with you. Anybody who tells you there is, get them out of your life. That's been how you've let yourself down, by allowing them back, but everything you did within those relationships was a normal response to abuse. Every single thing. You are completely normal. Accept yourself as this, and work from that basis. Then, when some unqualified bod rocks up, who you know wants to upset you, and says 'You have a disorder', you can calmly say 'Er, no, I don't.' and that's all the drama it will cause you.

Sweetheart, Your abusive ex can say you have BPD, he can say you were born on Mars, he can say you were Catherine the Great in a past life. He can say what he wants about you and you don't have to believe any of it.

Find a good therapist (female) and believe what she says about you.