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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried if I've done the right thing (work related)

42 replies

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 15/06/2022 20:46

I'm posting here for hopefully a sympathetic response, and I guess it is relationship related. I'll try to be brief.

About 6 months ago I was on a work trip with a few colleagues meeting clients. It was an overnight stay. To cut a long story short, one of my male colleagues propositioned me when drunk at the end of a night out. I was shocked and obviously was like 'no way' and scarpered sharpish. I'm married, he's in a LTR and 10 years older than me.

The next day he was very embarrassed, very apologetic, said it's not like him and I didn't deserve it etc etc. I decided to accept his apology as he seemed so embarrassed I thought he'd never do it again! It seemed out of character, and he was a contractor anyway so leaving in a couple of months.

Anyway his contract got extended a few months to handover some work, but we got on professionally and I obviously ensured not to get into that situation again. I did confide in what happened to a colleague who is also a friend who was also shocked, but I didn't think much more about it after that.

Anyway it's transpired he's now done the same thing to another female colleague on a team night out. She confided in the same friend who then told her it had happened before and would she agree to tell me and she said yes. She called the colleague out at the time and told him how inappropriate it was, and he gave all the same apologies he gave me. We obviously had concerns then that it was pattern and whilst we could handle ourselves, we have younger female staff members and worried maybe he would try it with them.

We hadn't really done any more until colleague confided in us both separately that he's in talks to extend again, and possible become a permanent director. Which means a chance of line managing me. My colleague approached me and said that he'd told her he might become permanent and she was concerned about it.

We discussed that we have a duty to say something if he's going to be potentially in this situation of power, so I made a relatively spur of the moment decision to tell our MD (who I have a good relationship with) but in an 'off the record' capacity for the moment. He was very good and said he will take time to consider what to do.

I'm shitting it now for various reasons. That they'll rescind on his extension and he'll know why. That they'll keep him on and I won't know what to do about my own position. That I'll have made an enemy. It's also compounded that at the time he propositioned me I didn't tell my husband (we've had quite a rough time, been in therapy and I know he would have gone ballistic then been very anxious/funny about work trips, which I have to do semi regularly.) As The guy was leaving and I wasn't taking it further I thought best to let it slide. But now I've said something to work i now might have to admit I didn't tell him 6 months ago.

I know the facts are; he's propositioned two female colleagues, we have no idea if it's happened before and no way to know if it will or won't happen again. He may be entering a position of power and we have a duty of care to young female staff members.

However I'm now worried that (as seems to happen in these situations) it will somehow blow up for me and my colleague and we've opened Pandora's box. I'm cross I'm even in this position as if he did manage me I feel my position would be untenable as I have zero respect for him.

So thanks for getting this far - have I done the right thing or not?

OP posts:
FitAt50 · 15/06/2022 20:48

100% done the right thing and you should be very proud of yourself X

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 15/06/2022 20:48

Yes you have absolutely done the right thing. If I was the MD there is no way I’d make him permanent. He is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

EBearhug · 15/06/2022 20:50

You've absolutely done the right thing - and if they don't extend his contract, it's his own fault for his behaviour, not yours.

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 15/06/2022 20:51

Thanks, I know logically you are right. But so many times it seems to get turned around and become 'why are you ruining this guys life/career?' Etc

He's very popular and I've seen enough times where behaviour has been justified/minimised

OP posts:
RedCarsGoFaster · 15/06/2022 20:52

Bloody good for you.

Whatever happens next, you have done the right thing.

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 15/06/2022 20:54

Thank you. This is really validating. I had been fuming that creeps get away with it and seem to reap the rewards so it would have eaten away at me if I hadn't done it.

So hard though to speak up!

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 15/06/2022 20:57

I can understand your perspectives and analysis op, all the best and positivity.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/06/2022 21:20

You've done the right thing according to your own conscience, so no matter what happens, please do not second guess yourself and think "Damn, I never should have said anything."

Yes there could be repercussions against you, however the world is - slowly - moving on from where it was 20 years ago and companies seem more aware of men like this being lawsuits waiting to happen.

As he is a contractor at present rather than an employee, if your MD has any sense he will politely turn the guy away as "not a good fit for us at this time".
Which is true, because sexual harassment is not a good fit for any company.

Bookworm20 · 16/06/2022 11:20

You have absolutely done the right thing. hes done it twice (that you know of), so the probability of him doing it again is very very likely. And like you say, if its a younger colleague they may not know hoe to handle the situation.

As for you DH, If you feel that you should tell him, and thats probably best. Just tell him that the guy propositioned you, you said no and removed yourself immediately from around him and then thought nothing of it as he was drunk and being an idiot. And you didn't tell him at the time because it was not something you gave any further head space to and you thought he was just drunk and stupid. But you've since learned he did the same to someone else, so not such a drunken idiot thing and you've therefore both reported him and now feel dh should know.
At the end of the day you have done nothing wrong at all, and hopefully your dh will support you fully.

Vapeyvapevape · 16/06/2022 11:24

You have done the right thing, I would want to make it more official rather than off the record, so that it can't be forgotten.

catfunk · 16/06/2022 11:31

HR here. You've absolutely done the right thing and are helping protect the company from hiring a ticking time bomb. If they hire him make sure you insist you don't report into him. Time to stand up for yourself.

I'm a little concerned about why you daren't tell your husband though. He should trust and support you. You. Have. Not. Done. Anything. Wrong.
If he makes you feel like you have then you have serious issues.

FieldOverFence · 16/06/2022 11:32

100% did the right thing, and you should follow up with your MD after a bit so this doesn't get swept under the carpet

As more sernior/more mature women, i feel like we have a real responsability not to stand for this bullshit - even where we're well able to diffuse the situation ourselves - so that we're not perpetuating for younger women that they have to put up with this behavior

Etinoxaurus · 16/06/2022 11:33

💪
You've done the right thing!

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 16/06/2022 14:16

Thanks everyone. My MD is taking this seriously. Still very apprehensive about this as to everyone else in the company it looks like I'm friends with this guy.

I feel the same @FieldOverFence, when I think about some of the awful shit I put up with and didn't feel I could challenge in my younger days it makes me enraged. We shouldn't have to put up with this, and we should have to feel like we need to keep his behaviour a secret either when we've done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
DontLookBackInAnger1 · 19/06/2022 08:05

I'm not sure why this would ever get back to your husband? Does he mix with your work at all? For what it's worth, I wouldn't tell mine either if I regularly had to work away, as it would make anyone feel a bit rubbish.

You did the right thing.

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 24/06/2022 07:05

So it has all escalated now unsurprisingly.

Has been referred to HR who have interviewed me and will interview my other female colleague tomorrow.

They are interviewing the guy who propositioned us early next week.

I feel totally sick about all of it, not least because after they have interviewed him I have to work intensely with him for the rest of the week (it's actually supposed to be his last week although he's been expecting a contract extension so must know somethings up). I'm dreading it and second guessing myself, worried about his reaction, worried if I've overreacted by saying something.

I also don't know the outcome and he could still end up staying. I just don't know how to handle/get through next week. He's also been aggressive/argumentative with other staff members on a couple of occasions after drinking so I do feel nervous about how he could be. We have clients in who he's worked with very closely next week as well so I'm concerned about how it will look if he just suddenly disappears or if there is an atmosphere.

I'm thinking and stressing about this all the time and really wish I hadn't said anything.

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 24/06/2022 07:15

Surely he'll deny it .

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 24/06/2022 07:19

Well he could - however the fact me and my female colleague both separately told someone after it happened means he'll struggle to say we're lying?

OP posts:
Wisteriaroundthedoor · 24/06/2022 07:20

I think you’ve done the right thing but I am also thinking that what he does as a contractor about to leave and never likely to see anyone again and what he does as permanent maybe very different things. However it is sexual harrassment.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 24/06/2022 07:30

Op it doesn’t matter if he lies, they won’t employ someone they think staff hate somuch they’d make this up. That would be worse for him.

they also shouldn’t hire him due to what he did. But there is every chance he will say shit thought I was leaving they were proper flirting , we all had too much to drink , nothing happened, I apologised, let’s all move on, I’d never do it now, happy to do probabtion, and he will be hired.

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 24/06/2022 07:41

Yes Wisteria this is a possibility.

I mean he has a pattern of inappropriate behaviour on staff nights out after drinking (either aggressive or pervy!) but they could still make the decision that he's apologised and it's all ok now.

I would find it very hard to stay in that situation but I guess that for me to work out once I know what happens next week.

So much easier to brush it all under the carpet isn't it. I mean maybe it is ok as long as everyone thinks they're the only one?!

I've probably fucked my own career up by speaking out

OP posts:
Wisteriaroundthedoor · 24/06/2022 07:51

Yes he could commit to speak to you both and reassure you. I don’t know the company so it’s hard to judge, it depends on how much they like him, how good he is, how hard it is to get someone to fill the role and just how convincing he is when interviewed.

if I was him (I’m female though) I’d be all oh god, I am so sorry, I was drunk, thought I was leaving, I wasn’t forceful or anything, was mortified the next day and apologised profusely. Let me talk to them and reassure them it will never happen again, I’m so sorry they are upset but I can totally reassure them and fix this. If I’d thought for one moment this position would be a perfect fit and I could deliver so much for you, even drunk this wouldn’t ever have happened and it would never ever happen again. Honestly I’m so so embarrassed and am really sorry, irrelevant of what happens with the job I will make sure they are both reassured and we can all move past this moment of silliness.

hr and management might buy it.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 24/06/2022 07:57

The other thing I’d check op is what the other woman is saying, is she comfortable that she’s been brought into this? Did she actually agree to you going in and bringing her into it?

In my experience some folks talk the talk but when it comes to it, they want someone else to take the fall and do the dirty work. Are you sure she’s not in there giving it, gosh it was just a silly drunken mistake? No harm done? As she doesn’t want to be in a situation where she’s at risk? Becayse if she is, then it’s harder and it’s then about uou.

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 24/06/2022 08:02

It was my female colleague that came to me after she found out it might be permanent and told me how worried she was it was going to happen to another colleague.

We made the decision together to say something, it was just me that actually had the conversation. I do know the MD has already spoken to her at least once.

She could roll back still I guess and say she doesn't want a big deal made, but it was her concern that spurred me on to say something at that moment.

OP posts:
BackToTheTop · 24/06/2022 08:03

You've absolutely done the right thing op.

I suspect he's contracting because this has happened before and he struggles to get references. Add that to the fact he's also been aggressive on nights out, I'd hope his time is limited at your company.

I'm not sure why HR would be involved, as a contractor, they could let him go without a reason.

Hang in there op, it's not you that should be worried, it's him! As you said, imagine if he did it with a younger, less confident woman!

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