Husband likes to stay our till 4 to 6am

[AshK777]

Hey everyone I just feel like I need some unbiased opinions.

My Husband is 30, and when he goes out he often stays put really late... like between 4 and 6am not he only does this about 4 times a year (he goes out more to football and things and other stuff)
He tells me he's allowed a blow out every now and then but I don't feel like it's acceptable.
Besides the states he gets in, I feel like any time after 2 is really unacceptable.
I don't want my children thinking that behaviour is normal. He always feel sorry for himself the dat after his nights out cause he's so hungover and doesn't move off the couch.
I disagree so much that I actually feel like eventually we might break up over it. He's not taking me seriously when I say it but I really don't want to be with a party boy and I don't want my children to think it's normal.
Am I being over the top?

OP, my ex husband used to do this. He'd go out and have to be the last one standing. All I asked was that he let me know what sort of time he was going to be back as I could never sleep until he was back safely. He rarely did this though and then would get pissed off if I tried to find out if he was ok.
I know he was a grown man (apparently) but you hear stories every day of people being attacked, etc and we had kids together.

He also did the wetting the bed once or twice because he didn't know when to stop.

When we separated (because he had an affair), he actually criticised me for never going out with my friends. I told him I saw the friends that mattered to me when I could, but his social life left little time for me to go out much more than that AND see my husband and also, I had kids to be a parent, not to go out at any opportunity. I did all that in my 20's and had no desire for hangovers with small children.

He just wanted to be Mr popular and it was actually quite pathetic to watch.

I'm a mother of four. In my late 30s.

Last weekend i went out clubbing, ended up home at 4am singing to my kebab. Husband just laughed, helped me to take makeup off and made sure I drank a gallon of water before I went to sleep. Woke me up next morning with toast, coffee and paracetamol. I spent the next day in bed.

The time before that wasn't quite so extreme but I came in rather tipsy at 3am. That was about 6 weeks ago

You can absolutely have a social life and be a parent!

I get that your problem is his behaviour but some of the comments about putting kids first...my kids always come first but I'm also allowed a life as is my husband.

YABU

4 nights out a year plus some football us not a party boy. 🤦‍♀️

I grew out of that sort of thing at around 25 and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't. If some people think it's fine then that's fine for them, but I wouldn't want that for me or my kids.

He has more than 4 noght out he goes the football every home game and the big aesu games.... and he had nights in the pub aswell.
He's a very good social life and I can't even find time to go the gym

Who said I didn’t put my dcs first? You sound like you only want people to agree with you.

Just because we like to go out a few times a year or away with friends does not a bad parent make.

Personally I think it’s healthy for my dcs to have seen a sharing uncontrolling parenting dynamic which was vital when one of the dcs was in a controlling relationship. They could see from us that it wasn’t the norm to say you can’t do this or that.

And we married in our 30’s so yes we like to go out separately or together. So shoot me.

My husband is the same... wants everyone to think he's great and so funny. He acts so stupid... he honestly reminds me of the I betweeners.

I have little time for my social life because I take our children to activities.

My husband will not work the following to go on a night out, or finish early to go out. (Like I said he goes out more than 4 times a year that just want he's on a 4 5 or 6) but I feel like of if wanna go out and he takes time off its affects us cause if he mind the kids when I go out we will lose money if hes off. He had lots of time off BTW.

He goes out plenty.. every couple of months he gets in about 4 to 6....
He goes out more than my brother who's 21.
It's the coning in when I. Getting up I'm not happy about!

If you'd said he pissed on the stairs, brought drugs home and generally never helps with the kids on normal days aka is a shit dad who has opted out of all his parental responsibilities then you would have gotten very different responses.

You keep saying you can't believe people think it's acceptable but if you'd included all that important information in your OP then most people wouldn't have called you controlling, they just would have said he is clearly a shit dad and shit partner in general and being with him is an unhealthy choice.

For you and for your kids.

You say other people who like nights out aren't putting their kids first but unfortunately making the choice for your kids to grow up seeing their mum do all of the cooking, cleaning, childcare and bearing all the mental load is not putting them first long term.

You're teaching them that women live to make other peoples lives run smoothly and men live to do what they want. That a mum should put everyone else first but a dad should always put himself first.

These nights out aren't the worst thing about your relationship.

Having two kids in succession with someone who was a prick after the first one means that presumably neither was planned. Of course that happens sometimes and it's done now.

But I think doubling up on contraception from now on is very important. Unless the second one was planned which would have been irresponsible on both your parts knowing how little he's stepped up with the first one.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him 'for the kids' even though it's teaching them that this is what a relationship looks like and increases the likelihood of them ending up in a similar one as adults?

Great post @wellhelloitsme

You need to ask yourself if he would be there for you & the dcs when the chips are down.

I have RA & there are days when I cannot get out of bed. Dh looks after me beautifully. Weekends that he would have to look after the dcs due to my medication.

Days when the dcs were unwell when he would be an equal parent. Can you say the same for your Dh? If not think about your options as you are clearly unhappy with the current status quo.

Dh & I are the same thefamous5 - it’s good I think to look out for each other.

Just because he's a husband and father doesn't mean he can't have a life. Same for you.

My parents had a very full social life when I was growing up and it's not harmed me.

However, pissing down the stairs and not pulling his weight in general isn't on. It's all about balance.

The lateness isn't the issue here, it's the drunken incontinence, the hangover, the drugs and the fact that you don't get equal leisure time. So change is needed:

• On one of his binge nights he stays in a hotel and doesn't come back until he is fully recovered
• He makes time for you to go to the gym or do other things that you want to do for yourself, and takes full responsibility for the DC during this time
• Or he's out the door

There is a quite abig difference between going out tilk late 4x year and some football vs.
Going out late every few months, all home games and big games, regular ight out in the pub, not looking after the kids so you can do anything on your own, drugs, being so shitfacafed that he can't make it to the bathroom and being completely out of the game the following day, skipping work for a night out etc.

Four times a year is fine as long as you get the same time off. I still sometimes stay out very late with friends - I'm allowed to because I am a grown up and I don't let other people tell me what to do.

Just seen your updates that he pisses down the stairs and is a lazy arse and shit dad. In this case I would get rid of him - life is too short to be cleaning up some bloke's drunken wee.

It's 4 times a year.

He is by no means a 'party boy'

YABU

4 times a year is OK on the face of it, but it's the getting so wrecked that you piss down the stairs and drug use that is of concern.
As far as example to your DC's go, I think you will find that once your DC's approach 18, its pretty standard these days that they don't go out till midnight and come back at 5 or 6. If you ever go into towns at night you will notice that towns are full of older folk before midnight (as back in my day even nightclubs called last orders by 2). But come midnight the youth turn up in droves. I don't think you can stop your DC's getting influenced into being out late when they get older, it's part of current culture since bars and clubs started being able to get late licences.

Your DH's problem is that he probably goes out early and stays out late and doesn't pace himself like today's youth seem to do . It's not attractive getting that messy and being out of control.
Apart from his binges, how often does he go out and come back drunk in general? That frequency would piss me off if I didn't ever get the chance to do it with my friends. Does he work weekends? I'm wondering why he'd need to take time off work in order for you or him to go out ?

Because you're massively drip feeding.

Op: DH goes out four times a year and comes in early hours of the next day. Aibu to contemplate LTB?
Us: YABU

Op: Oh well did I mention he has a hangover so doesn't help the next day. Aibu?
Us:YABU

Op: Oh and he pees on the floor.
Us:OK that's gross.

Not everyone has seen the update tho so they still say YABU.

Op: Well he takes drugs and brings them home
Us: OK that's not OK, that's a yanbu .

Not everyone has seen the update tho so they still say YABU.

Op continues to add small details about how he is a bad partner and father in general until she can garner enough agreement because this is Mumsnet and we're all meant to agree.

I feel like of if wanna go out and he takes time off its affects us cause if he mind the kids when I go out we will lose money if hes off. He had lots of time off BTW. do you work opposite shifts so you don't have to rely on childcare? Otherwise i don't see why you can't go out when he's home. Unless there's another drip feed coming about how every free evening he's down the pub

I used to let my husband go out with friends we had 2 kids and I was pregnant with my third.. he would stay till 6 am with "Friends"..he said and as time went on it was 2 days away then 5 finally I found evidence of him cheating in the car he stuffed his shirt all smudged with makeup, a ladies watch and earring.. I showed him this and told him either it stops or he goes.he stopped but the trust was lost the marriage broken... as now he wont even admit what he did and he says I am crazy,,, even when he saw the things for himself..plus he cheated more 4 more that I know of..fix your things up get your finances in order speak to lawyer and then leave.....

YANBU to ask him to change what he does four times a year.

Well pissing down the stairs is obv not on, but you didn't mention that in your initial post.

Me and DH are mid 50s now and we still go out and enjoy ourselves. Always have done, even when our kids were small, either together or separately. I think being stuck at home watching mindless tv is a worse example to set our kids.
And I do know there are other things to do at home but that seems to be a default for many, including us at times.

My DH goes away for gigs with his best friend, I know that he is out till 4am quite often then. He would rarely stay out that late when going out in our home town but that comes down to the venues that are open that late are not the sort of place he would enjoy.

When they go away they usually booze up the second day and arrive home about 4pm. That annoys me more than him stopping out late as he is drunk when I'm trying to sort tea etc and I'm sober. He doesn't do it often, probably 3 time a year usually, it's been more this last year due to a lot of gigs being postponed due to Covid.

Come on give the guy some slack, it's 4 times a year, that hardly makes him a "party boy". On the other hand, you are entitled to let your hair down too if you wish.

Maybe read the thread.