What are the early warning signs - the subtle red flags?

[SeraphinaDombegh]

Hi all. I have a friend who I'm concerned is in a borderline coercive/controlling relationship. I think she'd shut down any conversation suggesting that, because she's besotted with him. I was thinking about posting on my FB page some infographics about signs of coercive control, in the hope she'll see them and take note, but a lot of what's out there uses more obvious/extreme behaviours to illustrate it - and I don't think he is necessarily that overt.

So - please can you tell me/suggest, what are some of the early warning signs? The small red flags that you might easily miss or dismiss? The little things that add up to something more? The stuff that many people might see as loyal/loving/romantic if they weren't looking too closely?

You'd be better to talk to her about how the relationship feels. When she says he did x/y/z and you think 'That sounds controlling to me', ask her how it made her feel when he did/said that. If she's admitting she feels bad, you can talk to her about wishing she felt good, and might it be better to spend time with people who don't make her feel like that. If she's not admitting it, there's not much a fb graphic will do.

It's herself she needs to be looking at, not him. If he's abusing her, he's just a symptom of her self disrespect.

I would listen to the language he uses, the jokes he likes, as to how he views females generally.

Many many abusers are very very charming to outsiders. It's a clever tactic to stop outsiders believing their partner when they say 'He's awful, he's so mean to me.'

Unfortunately, I don't think that highlighting the flags will have any impact if she doesn't notice in the first place. But for the record, the ones I've spotted in real life include:

1. Asks her to accommodate his feelings (insecurities) or needs in a way that is detrimental to her eg going out less, doing fewer activities, dressing differently, speaking differently etc.
2. Inserting himself into work/personal/family events prior to being invited and in a way that makes her (and/or her friends/family) uncomfortable (examples might be insisting on attending child's school or birthday event, or being over familiar with an elderly parent, attending work events at which a partner is not routinely invited....)
3. Negative comments or opinions on activities or individuals in her life - "ooh, that Sarah seems like a bad influence on you <chuckle>" or "I can't help thinking that women who work out at the gym just want to meet men"
4. Zero flexibility to accommodate changes to her schedule/work/needs etc

But I have no useful infographics or resources. The WomensAid quiz on if you're in a coercive relationship is helpful. But she has to admit that there might be a problem first.

Also, might not be coercive or controlling as such, but I think big red flags can be seen in how a man behaves in public and in the way he handles money.

@Watchkeys I don't doubt the falsity but all masks slip a bit.

Yeah. Also gives them a get out of jail free card when their partner explodes after all the shit, "see how she treats me!?" BIL was a MASTER of this one. Lots of conversations with SIL's family and friends where he pretended to be really sympathetic to her "issues" and explained how he tried to be "supportive" but sometimes it ws so hard the way she treated him....

.... the fact that they all knew and had personally SEEN how shit he was didn't seem to matter. The faux concern, carefully curated moments of insecurity, outward kindness and charm etc were terribly effective.

No they don't. And relying on the 'fact' that they will is really dangerous. Many abusers keep up a solid, long term mask in front of everybody except the person they abuse. They hold down respectable jobs, have close friends, are polite to people in public, take part in hobbies, then go home to abuse their partner.

It's why people fall for them: they are excellent at faking charm.

Completely agree with @Watchkeys

Often the only way to spot abuse is to see what is happening with the woman - personality changes, a shift in behaviour, her agreeing or disagreeing to things that are out of character. Slight nervousness when things don't go immediately to plan. Often, the real mind fuckery happens because, for example, she'll be out having a quick post work drink and then have to rush home ("Ooh, must get back, Mark doesn't like it when I'm home late") but in public, Mark will say things like, "Oh, I wish she'd go out with her friends more. She works so hard". Then SHE looks like the weird crazy one.

They are often miserable. They will to put a dampner on things. If there's a moment of genuine happiness in a group for example, they'll tend to do or say something to bring the mood down. They're party poopers.

Also, if you ate busy with something else (eg: studying for an exam or on a night out with friends) they suddenly won't leave you alone. Gazillion texts from them or they suddenly have something urgent they need help with.

Persistent sarky comments. Subtle put downs if you or the things you like or enjoy doing. Any expression you make about wishing to better yourself or your life (eg: go traveling or study) will be met with reasons as to why thats a crazy idea or you shouldn't do it or even if you do manage to do it, it won't change anything.

Basically, thats how you spot a lot of them early on. They're miserable and they hate other people's happiness.

Alternatively, the love bombers. Those ones are all 'I love you , your amazing, we have so much in common' when theyve know you all of ten minutes.

Agree with the PPs about how it makes her feel. If she starts to feel on edge more and more when before she did not feel this way, that could certainly be a sign. Does she feel pressure to 'perform', such as avoiding wearing certain items of clothing because he's said those items don't look as good as an alternative he suggests?

I wouldn’t be posting passive aggressive stuff on Facebook and that stuff only annoys people. I doubt it would register anyway. Unfortunately not much you can do, other than be there for her if or when she ever realises

@Pinkbonbon and @Triffid1 have it spot on - their descriptions have actually made me feel shaky remembering my experiences exactly like this.
Definitely love bombing - that sense of (waaaay) too much, too soon
You sound like a really good friend, OP - but stew yourself for the fact that, even if you do approach her with your suspicions in any way, she may be unable to see it herself (yet), or unwilling to admit there is an issue (because the ‘good’ times are so good the ‘bad’ times don’t seem so bad, etc.)
It’s really difficult to explain to others the sense of weird shame you experience in being blinded to a coercive controller’s behaviours - it’s really, really tough. Please don’t give up on her x

When he can't get enough of you (and won't leave you alone), when he can't do enough for you/your friends/your neighbours (but it's actually all about polishing his halo), when he seems too good to be true (and he isn't true, a lot of it is lies), when he's had a tough time (because he's always the victim, never the perpetrator), and his ex is a crazy woman (of course she is, and you'll be the next one). Any of these are bad on their own, but in combination they're really not good.

But even though there may be enough flags to make bunting, some abusers are so good they can keep the mask going for a decade or more until you suddenly realise you're a frog and the water is near boiling...

The best thing you can do, as a friend, is to be there for when she realises that she's in an abusive relationship...and help her to get out of it. If you want to use your SM to highlight stuff, by all means go ahead, but don't be surprised if it doesn't even occur to her that it's relevant to her; I remember blithely telling a midwife that I was shocked they had to ask about DV, because "D"H would never do anything like that...a month later, after the baby was born, he did.

FWIW, most of my friends saw the charm and if they registered some of the occasional "off" stuff, like me they put it down to him having a bad day. Looking back his mask slipped - briefly - so many times, but none of us worked it out because it seemed so out-of-character; it's only now, looking back, that I, and they can see it. Sadly abuse is a lot easier to see in hindsight.

I also wouldn't agree with posting stuff online - if the control is covert rather than blatant, it may be that she wouldn't even recognise herself/her situation within anything you post.

I'd recommend just listening to her - and if she brings up something that has happened, you can step in and say "How did that make you feel?" or "Do you think that's right?".

Signs for me were; making comments about what I wore ("I don't like that colour on your", "Wear your hair down, it looks nicer", "Trousers don't suit you, wear a dress instead"), victim story ("My ex didn't understand me", "I was made to feel XYZ"), intense lovebombing ("I love you" - after two dates, "You're the one" - telling his Mum after a couple of weeks, "I would marry you" - 2 or less in, getting me to meet his child after 6 weeks), hot and cold behaviour (as in, really intense and loving one minute, and dismissive or uninterested the next - creates intermittent reinforcement), isolating me from my friends ("She's a bitch/uses you"), the way he spoke about people (mainly women).

I'm trying to remember some of the behaviours I shrugged off with my ex...

-Jealousy
-Passive/aggressive comments
-Subtle putdowns, usually made in a jokey manner
-putting down his exes and not owning up to being a part of the problem in the relationship
-moodiness and sulking
-love bombers

Northern crumpet makes sense. Also IME the ones who are shouting to anyone who will listen about being abused are the abusers. The abused - especially right after the events, are too shell shocked to talk about it, and too ashamed because you feel you've allowed it to happen - despite friends telling you to walk away.

I think it's best to ask her questions about any behavior that you find concerning. Trying to convince her will probably have her dig in her heels and posting messages on SM with warning signs will probably just come off as passive aggrassive to her.

Furthermore, if he really is an abuser he will use that against you and try to make you look jealous. He will use whatever he has at his disposal to try and isolate her from you if he thinks you are a "threat" to the relationship.

By asking questions you allow her to think and you will not provide him with any ammunition against you.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Mine started with he didn't like me wearing makeup, I felt flattered. Then it was perfume, he could taste it, (seemed a reasonable objection) then I mentioned I was meeting a friend later, cue crestfallen face and 'oh I wanted you to come round to mine'(manipulative).
Then it was my skirt was too short, he seemed so protective and caring. Very quickly it was multiple text and phone calls if I was at a couples house(he was a man and he KNEW what the husband was thinking blah blah)
Very quickly it was turning up at my workplace(aww sweet I thought)

I shall not bore you with the detail but it was 18 years of, I lost every friend, being followed, my home broken into, lost a job, stopped from going to family funerals, being cut off from visiting family, attempted stabbing of my guinea pigs(going to make me eat them, plucky little GP's moved too quick) stabbed my ddog with a knife(had to have him pts)constant accusations of being unfaithful(never was). Trashing my stuff, demanding money, food, time, attention and then ignoring me.
I've had knives to my throat, been held under bath water, kicked across a room, been threatened with white hot heated up scissors(no-one will look at you again), strangled until I passed out(tell the police and I will kill you) and on and on.
He got me pregnant 3 times. One full term surviving child. THAT was the single most controlling and abusive element. All promises(lies) dropped. My slightest display of self will or choice and the threat of taking our dd abroad put me back in the guilded cage.
He is long out of my life on a day to day basis. Dd is adult and he is still abroad.
And it all started with a lipstick.
Sorry for the lengthy post, this is a complex problem.

I'm so sorry you endured that but what an amazing post. I wish it could be pinned to top of relationships board.

You're awesome x

@SquirrelSoShiny You are so kind and strong for sharing your story - it absolutely encapsulates the tiny increments of how these situations set in, my experience was very similar. In terms of being helpful to the OP - keep aware, notice little changes like these sorts of things, little changes in habits / attitudes that don’t fit with the friend you know. Not sure how to suggest you make your friend realise what is happening with alienating yourself, it’s so tricky.

Holy crap. I know these things happen and worse and yet when I read these accounts my mind goes into a state of complete disbelief at how cruel and abusive someone can be. I will never get used to it. I know it's common, but I will never find it normal.

I hope you and your daughter were able to reclaim your lives to at least some degree. Really wish you could put people like that behind bars for the rest of their lives.

@2catsandhappy

I was just quoting @GimmeTheTruth. All credit is with @2catsandhappy

I agree that you will accomplish more by staying in her life and asking questions when she discloses anything that is 'off'. Or if she changes her appearance/clothes/habits, you can ask her why she's done that etc but in a supportive way e.g 'I don't wear leggings now because X hates them' You can say 'But you've always looked fantastic in them ! What does any bloke know about ladies bloody 'fashion', lol !

So much resonates. For me I had - intensity really quickly, wanting to talk on the phone all the time (even when I said 'I really have to go), being rude about others constantly ('they don't know what they're talking about'), a 'psycho' ex, turning up at places where he knew I'd be. Then it was gaslighting me ('why did you message my ex on Facebook?' when I hadn't), confusing me with plans all the time ('I said I was busy' on the weekend we'd planned to go away), laughing at me when I told him a colleague had a cancer, wooing me back every time I dumped him with promises of things he knew I'd want (such as 'of course I'll get better at making plans, let's have a shared calendar). It was such a strange mix of things and it made my head hurt but I kept hoping we'd get back to the 'nice' times which of course were all false anyway. It never got to violence, you wouldn't from the outside have known it was abusive but once I was out it very clearly was.

Instinct is vital. Your gut doesn't often lie.

The other abusive relationship I had (which was before the one above chronologically) was much more textbook in a way. Massively controlling - over who I saw, who I spoke to, how much time it took me to go to meetings. He threw possessions around when he was angry. He accused me of sleeping with other people. And then he assaulted me and received a police caution.