What are the early warning signs - the subtle red flags?

[SeraphinaDombegh]

Hi all. I have a friend who I'm concerned is in a borderline coercive/controlling relationship. I think she'd shut down any conversation suggesting that, because she's besotted with him. I was thinking about posting on my FB page some infographics about signs of coercive control, in the hope she'll see them and take note, but a lot of what's out there uses more obvious/extreme behaviours to illustrate it - and I don't think he is necessarily that overt.

So - please can you tell me/suggest, what are some of the early warning signs? The small red flags that you might easily miss or dismiss? The little things that add up to something more? The stuff that many people might see as loyal/loving/romantic if they weren't looking too closely?

@MidLifeResurgence74 the confusion thing is so weird isn't it...it made my head spin until I thought I was going crazy. Ironically it was only when my Ex called my DC out for saying they wanted A but then complaining telling me they'd said B that I realised how bad things were, my child was copying the gaslighting thinking it was normal, and their father told them off and said how he hated it when they did that! My ex has always described himself as a bit thick, but that is some sophisticated through-the-looking-glass level of deception...

Similarly, trying to make plans for our blended family, he could never get his work diary sorted out, apparently constant problems with the holiday booking system, always telling me he had X days left but then suddenly he didn't and why couldn't I remember, and switching between totals including bank holidays and those without...and then of course I was being controlling for trying to insist he sorted it out.

It's all so subtle and easily mistaken for strategic incompetence or even plain old stupidity...but when you look back and you can see it, the pile of games that were played just gets higher and higher.

It's not always easy, but I am so relieved to be out.