Why does my DH hate me so much?

[differenttoday]

Have changed my name for this as so horrified by what seems to be happening in my marriage.

DH works hard, not doing too well at work, always knackered, always depressed by the fact his friends have done better than him at work and have big houses, 4 holidays a year, and all the rest.

We have had a lot of trouble in our relationship since we had children as I basically do everything apart from earn money. He, however, thinks he is incredibly helpful (to be fair, he does do things like tidy the kitchen sometimes and bath the kids sometimes, but that's not a huge effort, is it?), and goes loopy about me "undermining" him if I ever point out that while he gets to come home from work at the end of the day, for me the work is never ending. I don't mind that, I'd just like it if one day he would appreciate that he has a pretty easy life in many ways.

We have been to Relate in the past - it patched things up for a bit but nothing has really changed. The real problem from my POV is that DH is quite seriously depressed, and has been for a long time. It takes a crisis for him to admit this, and most of the time he tells me he is only depressed because of me.

This morning I told him if he was going to moan every day about getting woken in the night by the kids, I would go back to dealing with them both (at the moment I do the baby and he does the toddler). He has emailed me the following response. Actually it was so offensive, I've edited it, but ths gist was:

"if you never saw me again you could think that I was a useless, fat old sod who you were going to get rid of in 5-10years anyway. well I wont live like that for anybody. I have no pride anymore, none. I have nothing to offer you that
I havent already tried...you are killing me from the inside. I never want to look at the mirror these days because I am already dead behind the eyes. I have no soul, no self-respect and I just want to give up and drop dead

you hate my clothes, you hate my opinions, you hate my job, you hate my family,
you hate my background, you hate my humour...lets
face it...you hate me and its beginning to show ALL the time"

This is not the first, second or even third time that a minor irritationas ended up with him making these sorts of statements. I don't know how to respond any more. I am so shocked by what he has said, I just don't know what to say. I am sick and tired of being told how vile I am whenever I express the feeling that he could try a bit harder sometimes. I am tired of being told one day how much he loves me, but then getting this vitriol. I can't go on like this, but I really don't know what to do.

Gosh..it sounds as if he is seriously depressed (but I am no expert in this field). This must be a hack of a responsibility for you to keep going with the kids and this too. No advice but lots of cyber hugs.

Hiya - I just want to let you know that you arent the only one in this situation. My dp is very depressed. He constantly brings himself down saying that he is nearly 40 and has got nothing and by now he should have a house/decent job/car etc. We had a huge argument about it the other week and her got really angry so I got him to make an appointment to see the doc about his depression/anger however it all came out that it's me who brings out his anger, me who makes him miserable, I dont appreciate anything he does, I dont want him in the house etc etc. I guess I put it down to some kind of mid-life crisis but if anything its only getting worse.

Do you still love him? I think i love my dp but when he says things like that to me it takes away a bit more of the love each time. Would your dh go to councelling on his own? Sounds like he has some severe self esteem issues like mine.

I don't think that your dh hates you. I do think that he needs to talk to someone, but I am unsure how you can make that happen. I also think that you need someone to talk to as well. Don't feel bad about youself. You are a good woman who is dealing with a difficult time, and IMO are dealing with it well. We all have rough spots in our marriages and it can be easy to walk away. The difficulty is standing firm. Try (though it's hard) to remember that it is NOT you that he hates, but his inability to identify what is going on within himself. You have my thoughts, my prayers and my hugs.

Zephyr, remember that this is just a moment in time. Don't let your love die. Decide what you want to do to fight for it. {{{{{hugs}}}}}}

I do love him, but like you Zephyr, every time something like this happens, it just makes me a bit less positive about him. I want someone to knock some sense into the silly sod. It's too easy for him to blame all his unhappines on me - but it does mean he can avoid having to actually think about what would make him happy.

At the moment I just feel I don't know where the man I married has gone, I don't know how anyone could harbour such bitterness and resentment towards their other half (without actually leaving them), and I don't know how he can say all those things but then expect me to make him feel better by being loving and understanding. I mean, I've got feelings too!

Thanks MarsLady - its tough but i'm hanging in there - deep down he's worth the fight
Differenttoday - one of the things i try and do with dp - without him realising what i'm doing - is to counteract his negatives with a positive. When he says to me "You dont appreciate me or anything i do" I come back with "Of course i appreciate you" - and then tell him why - eg "you are the one that provides for us and loves us, it takes a good person to do that and you are a good person and i love you for that" Might be worth a try. It seems to help raise his self esteem a little to hear it from me and just get that re-assurance. Remind him that he is the one you married, he is the one you chose to spend your life and have children with. Sometimes the basic things work the best

i wish i knew where my 'dp' had gone too. He's certainly not the man i met - although i know whats makiong him miserable i dont know how to help him out of it and it hurts that he says its me bringing it out in him. Theres not much you can say to that really is there? Thing is when he's in a good mood its fine - he loves me but when it goes wrong he's horrid. Did you reply to his email?

Yes, I did, and we just spoke on the phone. He says he feels I disapprove of him, and however hard he tries, nothing is good enough. What that translates as is he loves it when I thank him for cooking the dinner or whatever, but thinks I should say nothing when he gives the baby a bottle 5 mins before she's due her solids.

I told him I can't be held responsible for his happiness and that I think it's avoiding the truth to say he's only depressed because of me, and he did seem to agree. He just sounded really flat and mumbled about being "more tired than I've ever been", and I asked if we could talk tonight about some real changes we could make to our life to help him. He just said he had to go.

Now I'm sitting here and nothing would surprise me - if I got a call to say he'd got himself run over, I wouldn't be surprised; if he rang to say he was leaving me, I wouldn't be surprised; if he comes home and cries, I won't be surprised. I just can't live with the uncertainty and unpredictability all the time.

snap. I get that nothing is good enough for me, he isnt good enough for me and he feels like i dont want him at home - which is complete rubbish! And the same in that he thinks i should thank him for every single thing he does at home and if i moan about something i dont appreciate that he works all day.
I find that dp has trouble sitting down with me and talking about it. The only reason he went to the doctor about it was because he lost his temper in front of dd and scared her to death. Do you actually know what is really causing his depression - ie money or work or something? Does he appreciate you being at home with the children? Has he ever talked about feeling suicidal or is it something he would say on one of his 'you hate me' rants?

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As someone who suffered with PND, I know just how hard it is to get yourself out of that dreadful rut of depression and self-doubt. My DH did his best to keep reassuring me, telling me he loved me, telling me what a great job I was doing and asking me to talk to him about how I felt.

Finally, I was able to do so and to get help. But it took a lot and I was not an easy person to live with in the year before I admitted there was a problem and did something about it.

You obviously have an enormous amount on your plate right now. But if you can find the strength and patience to give your DH unconditional support, love and praise (even in the face of his unreasonable behaviour), it might help him finally face up to his problem (and it is HIS problem).

But when it comes down to it, HE is the only one who can sort this out.

I wish you much strength and luck xx

Meant to mention anti-depressants. The happy pills really worked for me: didn't make it all ok, but just helped me gain perspective. I suddenly felt that I was in charge of my emotions, rather than them dominating me. This meant I could start to get myself straight and I stopped them after 6mths with no withdrawal problems.

thanks for all your support, you're holding me together today!

zephyr, he never talks about feeling suicidal normally, only on his rants, so that then I never really know if he truly feels that low, or if he's just being a bit melodramatic.

bigfatmomma, I know you're right about offering the unconditional support. I also had pnd for a while and DH was great then, and offered me the support I needed. The difference was that every day I was able to talk about the facvt I felt depressed.

If I give him unconditional support, which I have in the past, it bolsters him up so everything seems normal. But then I have a few days where I feel a bit tired and pissed off myself, and maybe I take it out on him a bit, and suddenly we're back to this. What I'm trying to say is that without him doing something about being this depressed, my only option is to either carry on like some crazed Stepford Wife, grinning and pretending everything's peachy, or to just be myself, which sometimes results in him going off the rails like this.

Either way seems unfeasible to me. I wish I could be the devoted, adoring housewife, but it's just not me. I love my kids, I love being at home with them, and I love a lot of the domesticity that that entails; but sometimes it drives me mad, too, and I fantasise about what my life might have been if I hadn't got married when I did, what I might have achieved, and so on and so on. Some days I feel jealous of DH for having 2 hours to himself on the train, and then he comes home moaning about how "stressful" commuting is and I want to shout "I'd pay to have 2 hours on a train every day to read my book"!

its not fair at all is it? dp hs talked about feeling suicidal - but only in rants as well - so are we supposed to know that they don't mean it or do you ever sit worrying like i do if he's late home one night?
What i dont understand is how or why they expect us to give them our undivided attention and support when they are hurting us - do they choose not to see it and be selfish or are they really that ignorant? If i even try to say that i've had a hard day too looking after the kids and the house all i get is "oh yes poor little you, its always you, nothings good enough for you, you'll be sorry when i'm gone as you obviously dont want me here" I've actually started to give up arguing back, theres no point. But going back to your original post - I still dont know what to do about it - are you any clearer or ar you having any ideas on how to help him?

It sounds to me as though dh is under a lot of stress.

It's bad when work doesn't go well - can he get another job? And could you maybe get something part time?

It sounds to me like he needs to go to counselling - could you get him to see his GP and get referred, for the sake of your marriage?

Hi differenttoday, it sounds like you are having a torrid time!
I really sympathise with both of you and wanted to share a couple of thoughts.

Does your DH feel under pressure to be more successful at work? It sounds like your DH has already lost his confidence and self belief, and has low self esteem.

Have you thought about working more as a team and writing down on paper what is expected from each of you?

You might want to set timescales for things e.g what day you might expect him to do the hoovering so he can plan his schedule?

Whilst it's not your job solely to look after the children could your DH be suffering from sleep deprivation from getting up with the toddler each night?

I know it is easy for an outsider to suggest ways to improve the situation but what you have must be worth saving?! Not for the children's sake, not for your DH's sake but for your sake!

GOOD LUCK!

I've just had the health visitor round. She is helping me 'assess' dp and think of ways to help him. I called her in because I dont want dp's being miserable and making me miserable to then go on and make the kids miserable. DD is getting very 'angry' and i belive she gets that from us which makes me sad.
Having brought someone else into thee equasion helpeds dp to realise that he has a problem as he wouldnt want anything to hurt the children. It's a bit sneaky but anything to sort him out and get him back to his old self. Would he consider realte again or would he go to talk to someone on his own?

zephyr, that sounds a really good idea with your hv. is dh there too when she comes round? Didn't he go mad when he found out you'd talked about all this with a third party?

My DH will talk to our GP but only because he likes him. He insists he doesn't need any sort of counselling, so he only ever gets as far as taking ADs and of course that doesn't fix the problem. In fact he;s on them now, and we still have outbursts like this morning!

Mediagirl, I've tried drawing up a "family contract" before, about what we should both do and reasonably expect of the other - his reaction was to go along with it for about a week before going back to his usual ways. He obviously does feel really tired at the moment, but our toddler doesn't actually wake up much - maybe once a night or not at all, so it's not that much for DH to give him a drink when he does wake.

Have to go and bath the babes but back later

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Hi W&R (again!) What does CBT stand for? dp went to see the gp and was told he'd get a call from the mental health team - nothing has come through though so looking to explore all options

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Modern antidepressants are NOT tranquilisers. They can literally save lives and may indeed be approproate for your dh.
I have personal experience of antidepressants (they saved my life) and CBT (in my case interesting but unhelpful)

If it is of any help my dh is very like this. It buges the hell out of me! On one hand I am sympathetic but on the other it means I can never ask for anything from him or from the relationship because he turns it into a rant about how much it hurts his self esteem when I say things that make him feel inadaquate.
I have learned to put up with it but don't think I can take it forever.

Feel for you DifferentToday. He may be depressed due to his age and not feeling successful and I think alot of me feel that once children arrive, they (the husbands) don't get the love and attention that they once did. Your DH needs a serious amount of love, praise and reassurance. I know things aren't that simple but it's a start.

Good luck.

well, we had a bit of a chat last night about his job and where it's all going, and it just depressed me even more. A normal couple should at least be able to discuss something like that and feel they're both approaching it with the same goals, no? Instead of that, he responded to me as though I was interviewing him about his intentions (maybe that's how I came across), and when I said I could get a job myself, he pointed out that nothing I could do could cover the cost of childcare, and seemed to take the very suggestion as a further affront to his success as a provider.

God it's so tedious going round and round in circles.

Went to bed on good terms but then this morning he had a temper tantrum as DS started crying at 6am and only wanted me. DH was just whipping DS up into a right old state by saying he'd smack him if he didn't stop crying, so I said leave it to me. I had DS back in bed asleep in under 5 mins, but of course DH didn't like me taking over, slammed the door really loudly as he went off, woke DD up and so I had to start my day then. He got up at 8am, came down and had a go at me for undermining him.

W&R, CBT is something I really think could help DH as he is very opposed to conventional "therapy" (think he's afraid of what it might stir up, tbh). I've read a bit about it and I think if he found the right counsellor, this type of therapy could really help to make him see he needs to change his thought patterns. But how do you go about finding a counsellor in your area?

Also, I read in The Observer magazine on Sunday about something called "philosophical counselling", and showed the article to DH last night. To my amazement, he said he thought it sounded like a good idea! Does anyone know anything about this?