Why does my DH hate me so much?

[differenttoday]

Have changed my name for this as so horrified by what seems to be happening in my marriage.

DH works hard, not doing too well at work, always knackered, always depressed by the fact his friends have done better than him at work and have big houses, 4 holidays a year, and all the rest.

We have had a lot of trouble in our relationship since we had children as I basically do everything apart from earn money. He, however, thinks he is incredibly helpful (to be fair, he does do things like tidy the kitchen sometimes and bath the kids sometimes, but that's not a huge effort, is it?), and goes loopy about me "undermining" him if I ever point out that while he gets to come home from work at the end of the day, for me the work is never ending. I don't mind that, I'd just like it if one day he would appreciate that he has a pretty easy life in many ways.

We have been to Relate in the past - it patched things up for a bit but nothing has really changed. The real problem from my POV is that DH is quite seriously depressed, and has been for a long time. It takes a crisis for him to admit this, and most of the time he tells me he is only depressed because of me.

This morning I told him if he was going to moan every day about getting woken in the night by the kids, I would go back to dealing with them both (at the moment I do the baby and he does the toddler). He has emailed me the following response. Actually it was so offensive, I've edited it, but ths gist was:

"if you never saw me again you could think that I was a useless, fat old sod who you were going to get rid of in 5-10years anyway. well I wont live like that for anybody. I have no pride anymore, none. I have nothing to offer you that
I havent already tried...you are killing me from the inside. I never want to look at the mirror these days because I am already dead behind the eyes. I have no soul, no self-respect and I just want to give up and drop dead

you hate my clothes, you hate my opinions, you hate my job, you hate my family,
you hate my background, you hate my humour...lets
face it...you hate me and its beginning to show ALL the time"

This is not the first, second or even third time that a minor irritationas ended up with him making these sorts of statements. I don't know how to respond any more. I am so shocked by what he has said, I just don't know what to say. I am sick and tired of being told how vile I am whenever I express the feeling that he could try a bit harder sometimes. I am tired of being told one day how much he loves me, but then getting this vitriol. I can't go on like this, but I really don't know what to do.

In the same situation as you differenttoday, unhappy depressed dh. I know its hard but you've got to try to stay positive, know how hard this is though, sometimes feel like I'm walking a tightrope. Dh has tried ADs and didn't get on with them, he's starting counselling in a couple of weeks hopefully this should help. I suggested that maybe we should try counselling together but dh things this would be like two people ganging up on him as he feels all the problems are because of him. I'm just trying to to be positive and try to get on with the day to day things, but sometimes I feel this approach is like burying my head in the sand. I think you've got accept though that you can't change your dh mood/behaviour only he can do that Don't think I offered anything new, but hopefully it helps to know your not alone.

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DTT, it must feel like Groundhog day for you .

Know what you mean about DH getting cross about you "taking over". Sometimes I find myself biting my tongue very hard so as not to "interfere" when DH is dealing with DS and I feel I could defuse the situation much more quickly and satisfactorily! Guess it must be frustrating for them to see that we do it better .

Does your DH read much? If he won't accept counselling, might he have a look at some "self help" type books? Just something to help him shift his thinking a little?

W&R, thanks for that. You have hit the nail right on the head with what you say about his sense of "time running out". Last night he told me he is pinning all his financial expectations (which of course impact upon the rest of our lives) on the next 2 years - his timeframe for potentially making a lot of money (by staying in his current role). The way I see it is, surely he should be thinking more in terms of what we have now being all we're going to have, and adjust our lifestlye expectations accordingly? he disagrees.

BigFatMomma, my DH makes the right noises about counselling, but when it comes down toit, he's not really keen. If we found exactly the right person, who DH respected and liked, it could work - but it is hard to find such a person. As for books, i think as long as it wasn't something with a "self-help" title (you know, all those "women who love too much" type things), he would probably read it.

So, what's a good book, possibly with a CBT angle to it?

differenttoday: I am responding because when I read your first post, I was overcome with shame. This is exactly how I was behaving towards my DP until I realised / accepted that I was depressed, and got help. In truth, it hadn't gone on so long, and wasn't as bad as what you are going through, but this time last year, I was your DH.

Firstly, please try not to take it personally. He's like it because of him, not because of you. I unleashed many totally unfair attacks on my DP, and he is, honestly, an angel. And I love him. And I could see that my behaviour was likely to become a self-fulfilling prohecy and drive him away, but I just wallowed in that, and let it feed my depression rather than let it change my behaviour.

The change came for me when I nearly put paid to the installation of our new boiler because of a row with the workmen. It was all my fault, and the workmen refused to deal with me, and had a 'meeting' with DP. Instead of being upset or angry, DP was 'fair' - supported me on the root causes of the row, didn't criticise me, just sorted it all out. And I was so overcome with his calmness and kindness that I sort of collapsed, went to the doctor, and went on low-dose ADs (Cipralex) which made me feel like the 'old me' in no time. Now I am off them, and reacting to things in proportion.

It doesn't sound as if your DH yet has any help for his depression, you know him best, and it sounds as if you are doing well in supporting him to find some help. ADs can be a bit of a taboo subject, especially for men, but depression is caused by a chemical deficit in the brain and they can supply that until your body builds up its own stores again. My GP described it as akin to taking iron tablets for an iron deficiency. I know that isn't everyone's view, but if it seems right for your DP, I hope he wouldn't let stereotypes and prejudices about ADs stand in his way.

I do feel for you - my depression must have been even worse for my DP than it was for me, and I can picture how bad it is for you.

XXXX Blu

Thanks for your post Blu - it's really encouraging to hear your experience. In fact, I have also gone through a similar phase with PND, although I did acknowledge that I was behaving unusually (for me) and that my reactions weren't normal. I also got ADs and like you, felt back to the old me very quickly.

My DH has been taking prozac now for a month. He says he feels a bit better, but I can't say I have noticed any difference in him myself. he doesn't have too much of a problem with taking the ADs, but he is resistent to doing anything more. I see the pills as more of a band-aid until we can get to the root of the problem through some kind of talking cure.

Part of the trouble is that DH has no close friends or family he can talk to - his family are all vile and he just won't have this sort of conversation with his mates - and so I am everything to him: wife, lover, friend, mother, etc etc. And when we're not getting along, I find it SOOO hard to "be there" for him in those other roles.

I am just going to try very hard, one day at a time, to repress my natural irritation and resentment when he says unkind things, and only show him the loving face of unconditional support. Then maybe he will be more receptive to getting some proper professional help.

What a lucky man he is to have you. I really hope it all works out well for you soon x