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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Standing my ground, or manipulation?

27 replies

GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 10:44

In a complete quandary over my relationship. Been with BF for 3 years, we’re friends previously.
When we started dating, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was three years away from my abusive Ex and a year post losing my dad suddenly. It was nice to have something positive happening in my life.
BF and I have a good time together, but I’m increasingly realising that our paths are likely to split as time goes on, due to financial reasons, living circumstances, etc.
I know if I bring it up, BF will be very upset, and will disagree with me - we’ve had discussions before but nothing ever really gets resolved.
At what point do I draw a final line in the sand? I’m someone who likes to have a plan - I want to spend time with someone who I’m building a future with. BF will say that’s what he wants too, but has no actual input and won’t elaborate on how he sees things going.
I’d be sad to lose the relationship, and I don’t want BF to carry on ‘firefighting’ just to keep things going. If I state my ‘wants’ am I just manipulating him to say what he thinks I want to hear? I’m so lost.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 14/06/2022 10:49

If you can speak to him honestly about how you feel then the relationship won't work anyway.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/06/2022 10:50

I know if I bring it up, BF will be very upset, and will disagree with me

His upset is for him to manage, not you. You are not responsible for his emotions. Anyone in a romantic relationship takes the risk that we might get hurt by it ending.

Why are you concerned about him disagreeing with you?
You are not compatible, you both know that, as you've discussed it enough.
You don't need him to AGREE with your decision that the relationship is not going where you want it to. He can disagree til the cows come home. But his disagreement doesn't change the fact that YOU no longer wish to prolong the relationship.

You don't need his permission to end it.

Original poster
GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 10:56

@MadeForThis Thank you - we do struggle a little to start difficult conversations, but do generally work things through pretty well. In this instance, I think I’m concerned that he will agree with me, but I don’t know if that’s because he actually wants the same thing or just doesn’t want what we have now, to end…

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 10:58

@KettrickenSmiled I think I’m struggling because this is genuinely the best relationship I’ve ever had. Previously I’ve been really let down, taken advantage of and abused, so this relationship is like a breath of fresh air.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 14/06/2022 10:58

If I state my ‘wants’ am I just manipulating him to say what he thinks I want to hear?
Listen up - clearly stating what you want is one of the least manipulative things a person can do. I think what has happened before is that you have hinted that you wish you were more on the same page re: finances, living circumstances ... he has protested that it doesn't matter (because it doesn't, to him) & you have backed down & accepted the status quo.

I’m so lost.
It's not surprising, is it?
You lost your dad Flowers. That is a huge life event.
You were 3 years out of an abusive relationship, possibly just starting to find yourself again.
You were not looking for a relationship, but drifted into this one because it was a comfort.
You are now dissatisfied with the relationship. You have voiced your concerns, but your b/f refuses to respect them, & pushes you & your concerns back into a box called "compliant g/f".
You allow this - several times.
Now it is coming to a head, & you know that your b/f will again squash your concerns & refuse to listen to you.
Nothing will change.

So you need to stop expecting a different result from the same actions, & tell him you can't see your differences being reconciled, & finish it.

Then do some work on your boundaries.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/06/2022 11:00

GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 10:58

@KettrickenSmiled I think I’m struggling because this is genuinely the best relationship I’ve ever had. Previously I’ve been really let down, taken advantage of and abused, so this relationship is like a breath of fresh air.

So what's happening that you are NOT happy with, Gimme?

You love him, but he isn't committed to saving for a future, buying a house etc?

It concerns me that you feel that stating your wants & needs is "manipulative".
Who put that thought in your head - him?

Itwasntmeright · 14/06/2022 11:06

What do you actually want OP? Do you want this relationship to progress or do you want not to be in it at all?

when you’ve worked out the answer to that, you need to decide, if you do want this relationship to progress, whether that’s a realistic possibility and how you can make it happen, or if you no longer want to be in it, how you’re going to end it.

Itwasntmeright · 14/06/2022 11:07

Whether he thinks you’re being manipulative is irrelevant.

TedMullins · 14/06/2022 11:18

Stating clearly what you want is not manipulative in the least. It’s on him to be honest with you about whether he wants the same thing and can give you that.

what is the actual problem though? Are his financial aims/priorities different from yours? Do you have different visions for the future? Some context and specifics would help people advise, because you could be completely incompatible but you may also be able to find a compromise. It’s not a good sign that you can’t discuss serious or difficult topics though or that you feel he just tells you what you want to hear.

Discovereads · 14/06/2022 11:21

I’m increasingly realising that our paths are likely to split as time goes on, due to financial reasons, living circumstances, etc.

Why do you think you are likely to split? You’ve said he disagrees with this, has he said why he doesn’t think you are likely to split?

Original poster
GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 11:23

@KettrickenSmiled I think because I didn’t have a clear set of boundaries when the relationship began, it feels ‘wrong’ somehow to instigate that now?
I’m really conflicted, because we have a great time together and I don’t know if sticking to the ‘ideal’ I now consider for myself is worth giving up a really decent relationship for.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/06/2022 11:25

Can you tell us why a future with him is unlikely?

Watchkeys · 14/06/2022 11:26

GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 10:58

@KettrickenSmiled I think I’m struggling because this is genuinely the best relationship I’ve ever had. Previously I’ve been really let down, taken advantage of and abused, so this relationship is like a breath of fresh air.

'Not being abused' doesn't mean you're in a good relationship.

You're clearly not in a good relationship, because you're not happy.

Manipulation is when you try to get someone to do something. Telling someone what you need and want is not manipulation, as long as you are open to the idea that if they don't want to/can't give you what you want or need, they can choose not to be with you.

Work out what you need in a relationship. Tell him: 'These are the things I need in a relationship.' And that's all you need to do. Make sure that he understands. He will then be the one to decide what happens next. If he ignores your wishes, he chooses not to be in a relationship with you. He might make this choice himself, or he might fail to meet your needs, in which case, you need to end it.

Watchkeys · 14/06/2022 11:27

Basically, tell him what you need rather than what he needs to do, to avoid manipulating.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/06/2022 11:28

GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 11:23

@KettrickenSmiled I think because I didn’t have a clear set of boundaries when the relationship began, it feels ‘wrong’ somehow to instigate that now?
I’m really conflicted, because we have a great time together and I don’t know if sticking to the ‘ideal’ I now consider for myself is worth giving up a really decent relationship for.

If you're as vague with him as you are here, no wonder you can't reach agreement!

Why do you think your relationship won't last?
What are the financial & living circumstances problems you referred to in your OP?

Original poster
GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 11:29

Financially speaking, there’s a disparity - I have 2 DC, 100% of the time. Own my house outright, work full time on decent wage. He has 2 DC EOW and one overnight during the week. He gives over & above to his Ex wife in terms of child support. Lives in shared ownership home. Doesn’t have much to spare. This doesn’t particularly bother me, as I’ve said that if we’re in the relationship as a partnership then we can work it out. But I know it bothers him, and I suspect it has a huge impact on his ability to see a way to plan a future together - but won’t admit this.

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 11:30

@Watchkeys rhank you, some really good points there

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 14/06/2022 11:30

Your posts are quite confusing. You're very happy with him but you don't see this relationship going long-term because you have different views on the big things like finances etc? And you feel bad about that and like if you say that to him you are being manipulative?

If I've understood it correctly then as I see it, it's quite simple:

  1. You decide what it is that you really want and need in a long term relationship (and yes, it's entirely possible to want different things from a long term relationship than you might want from a short-term relationship).
  2. You articulate clearly to him the things that are dealbreakers for you - things that you cannot and will not compromise on.
  3. If he feels this are not things he can or will want to do, you both agree to go your separate ways.
Watchkeys · 14/06/2022 11:31

Well, if his pride is in the way of him planning a future with you, he doesn't want to plan a future with you that much.

Original poster
GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 11:31

@KettrickenSmiled apologies, not meaning to be vague, but find all of this quite uncomfortable. My Ex actively discouraged me from thinking about what I might ‘want’ - so I know I’ve lost some perspective

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 11:33

@Triffid1 sorry, I appreciate that they might be confusing, but that’s exactly how I feel right now - totally confused. I do need to get a clear idea in my head of what I want and need from the relationship, and to tell him so. I guess I just know how sad I’ll be if we can’t work something out

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 14/06/2022 11:40

You don't have to apologise. It's just hard to give advice. But in a nutshell, you absolutely do have the right to decide what you do and don't want in a life partner and long term relationship.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/06/2022 11:48

GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 11:31

@KettrickenSmiled apologies, not meaning to be vague, but find all of this quite uncomfortable. My Ex actively discouraged me from thinking about what I might ‘want’ - so I know I’ve lost some perspective

Did you receive any therapy after managing to escape the abusive relationship?

Do you feel some/some more would be helpful now, so that you could address your feelings of discomfort, & get to the bottom of them with an experienced, supportive but neutral party?

Original poster
GimmeTheTruth · 14/06/2022 11:59

@KettrickenSmiled I’ve done counselling/ therapy previously as I suffer with anxiety and depression, but not specifically worked on the issues post-abuse. Think that is partly because I saw leaving as the solution - but perhaps I do need to do some work around that, thank you

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 14/06/2022 12:09

I think that your anxiety will reduce when you start listening to your feelings. After all, there's nothing worse than having a gut feeling that there's a risk, telling someone, and having your feelings dismissed. That's what you're currently doing: to yourself. It's the worst kind of disrespect there is, when we disrespect ourselves, our own feelings. It goes so deep and is so damaging. It seems like you think that stating how you feel might be manipulative, ie bad/wrong. It isn't.

Anybody who loves you and wants you to be happy will actively want to hear about your feelings, about what's good for you, about what's bad for you. Nobody can disagree with how you feel; it's equivalent to telling you 'Yes, you do actually like brussels sprouts' - it's absurd. And if anybody makes you feel that it's risky to say how you feel, they're not on your side, however much they say they are.