Ex husband of 20 some years ago back in touch! Advice, red flag spotters at the ready!

[Maighnuad]

Ok met exH1 - at 15 , married at 19 - separated at 27 no kids. My mum died and i shut down emotionally and we wanted different things. He lives in a different country to me so hadn't seen him since then.
ExH1 - married someone else and has two DD's and is divorced 17 and 15
Married ExH2 at 31 and have a 19 yr old DS separated 8 years.
Summary both now single with kids.
So I was back home (the other country ) a few weeks ago and he suggested meeting for a drink/ food. so we did and it was lovely , he walked me to the train and kissed me - which I did not expect but didn't fight off.
We met a 2nd time over the weekend and same again.

So wise owls of mumsnet - can you get back with an Ex after such a period apart and it work ?
And what red flags should I be watching for. its all very slow - with chats and messaging and not seeing him for another three weeks.

Thanks

Leopards don’t change their spots!

I’d tread very carefully here and try to avoid getting swept up in the romance of it all. But sometimes second times around work out - just take it slowly.

I certainly wouldn't want to get back with any of my exes - but after that amount of time, I'd really treat him as a stranger. You got together so young - you must both have changed radically from the people you were back then?

How long has he been single? The main worry for me would be not wanting to be his rebound port-in-a-storm.

How was the relationship by the time you got divorced?

@KurriKawari quite bad when we ended as I was living abroad and he was in the home country. Not great communication.
We have had a few messages over the last 5 years as our fathers had both passed.
He has been divorced 12 years.

I think it totally depends on the reasons why you separated.
You are talking about you shutting down so that could be a ‘red flag’ for him.
Wanting different things from life… is that not going to be the same now.
Any other behaviour form you or him at that time?

Sometimes the issue is that one or both partners are not mature enough and a few years later, things have just settled. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

No just young I was ambitious he wasn't at the time. Our lives are different to what they were then.
@EvenMoreFuriousVexation i am going down the path of treating him as if I don't know him and not jumping in head first.
Just want to be doing things for the right reason

But it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong?! (Unless OPs missed out vital details)

So You tell us; Are there any red flags? I can’t see any so far other the obvious “he’s an ex so go easy” thing which you’re clearly aware of.

A red flag is a feeling you get yourself. If you're asking the question 'Red flag?' it means the relationship won't work, whether it's because the other person is up to no good, or because simply by asking the question, you show that you don't really trust them, instinctively.

Find someone who doesn't make you go 'Red flag..?'

To be fair I think it has taken me sometime to see red flags in other relationships and was and am being cautious here. It may be all good, but as there is history, I was just looking for pointers as to watch for x ,y and z. As in don't assume you know him as @EvenMoreFuriousVexation stated.
Who knows it could be love part 2 - who could imagine after 25 years - crazy spot to be in and I appreciate all the feedback here.

It can and does work, a friend of mine recently married the guy she was with (although not married to) in her teens/early 20s. They both had marriages/kids/divorces in between, but they’re meant to be together.

You don't get 'pointers' of 'behaviours', OP. You get a feeling, within yourself. It's an 'Oh no, this doesn't feel right to me' feeling.

That's what you've ignored in the past, and that's what you need to look out for now. The behaviours are irrelevant. Universal signs of abuse, and individual red flags to you (which might not be red flags to anybody else) will all give you the same feeling. You don't need to identify abuse; you need to identify when you feel bad.

What’s his relationship history?

What’s yours?

Is he wounded by his family breakdown? Does he see that he played any part in it?

Demonstrating the capacity to reflect, change and grow emotionally is critical for all of us. If he has emotionally evolved that’s great - if he is looking back for an easy option then that’s bad. Same for you.

Could be great if you are both authentic and open about your values, strengths, weakness, needs and wants.

Are you still living in different countries - will one of you relocate - how will that impact your work / children / social life?

Well why didn’t it work first time. ‘We wanted different things’ and you reacted after your mum died (understandable - what happens if something big happens again, how will you react and how will he stick around and support you this time)

why have you been divorced twice each.
somethings not going right. figure out what that is and why it’s different here (because we love each other isn’t an answer) or you’ll repeat the same patterns

Alternatively if you’re just wanting a bit of fun and romance I think it’s a bit too emotionally messy

Agree with this - or just notice jarring or confusion or self doubt - just means you are not compatible - can leave it at that no need to blame / shame each other or prove abuse / neglect.

Should be easy and positive.

Calm and peaceful. Kind and respectful behaviours.

Gut feelings can tell you red flags for you, but there are also things that are objectively red flags, like insulting you for instance (there are many objectively red flags.)

This book is quite readable www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Signs-Recognizing-Avoiding-Relationships/dp/1580053874

You could also read Living with the Dominator/do the Freedom course to help you recognize unacceptable behaviour. freedomprogramme.co.uk/

How do you both compare financially?

I presume he lives abroad - how is it going to work long distance?

Being really cynical, is he looking for an easy route into the UK? Your money? Etc.

or you could be ‘the one that got away?’.

The biggest red flag I thought of at first would be love bombing.

Advice - don’t rush into things.

He lives in the UK I don't but close. This has the benefit of giving me thinking and processing time so I don't jump in with my 80's leg warmers on.
He does own his part of his 2nd marriage ending and see's his daughters very often. I think the break up has had consequences as he himself came from a home with no stability and this is not what he wanted for his kids.

why have you been divorced twice each.
somethings not going right. figure out what that is and why it’s different here (because we love each other isn’t an answer) or you’ll repeat the same patterns
Exactly what I am scared of hence the slow approach. There's a lot of talking and I am very open as having had challenging relationships post my break up I know what I want and where I won't compromise.

tbf the OP never said there was anything bad about him, in fact she said she was the one who shut down emotionally

@Giveitall
You’re right of course, over two decades people rarely change 🤦🏽‍♀️

To be fair, you were both very young the first time round and maybe not mature enough for marriage. You've probably both changed a lot over the years. As long as you don't go into this with rose coloured "lost first love" spectacles on, and take it slowly, you should be fine. I assume his family is in the UK and you and your DS are not, so you'd need to think how it would work logistically, if you were to get together.

I think this is very relevant!

I’m interested in the fact that you said that he kissed you which was unexpected.

Did he ask you first? Or at the very least appear quite tentative and wait to see if you turned away or said no?

I feel that this was presumptive on his part, and could be a red flag. But I wasn’t there and from the description it’s difficult to judge whether he was being an entitled git or actually it was more respectful of you.