Why are some women happy to do more domestic chores?

[GenuineInterest]

That's it really. I've name changed for this. I'm genuinely interested in why some women are happy to do more domestic chores than their male partners.

[AryaStarkWolf]

I'm not and I don't, thankfully my husband is a team player and we both do our share

[AryaStarkWolf]

I'm married and hubby said I could work but I didn't want to I want to take care of my home and family.

He said you could work did he? Is he your boss?

[Tyrantosaurus]

Why wouldn't I be happy to do cleaning? The idea that doing any traditionally feminine role is demeaning is tired. I clean because it gets done the way I like it - and I ask for any personal messes to be cleaned up as appropriate (e.g. crumbs left on counter).

Splitting June 50/50 means it gets done half as well. It's better for each person to choose what they do, in my experience. Would you buy two vacuum cleaners and both Hoover at once so it's 100% equal? It's not efficient.

Somebody taking the mick is different. I can't imagine giving a second thought to what others do.

[G5000]

I think you should have specified the question. Of course it's only normal that a SAHM does more of the housework as well, otherwise they would really not be pulling their weight.

But I'm also not sure why women who work just as many hours or more still seem to believe it's fair if they do everything, every day - and husband puts a shelf up once every 5 years.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Mommabear20

Because he's shit at them! I end up doing it all again after him anyway!

No he isn't, I guarantee you if it was his job he'd be fine at them, he's "shit at them" because he knows you will do it if he doesn't do it properly

[fallfallfall]

I’m house proud, I enjoy it and really it’s a split I’m happy with. Dh does daily household tasks of a different nature. He does bigger heavier higher up (ladder) jobs. We have a complete yard with outbuildings, various vehicles and a hot tub that I never deal with.

[DoItAfraid]

Great thread. Have enjoyed reading all the replies.

In my case, I somewhat slept into it. I used to get home earlier- same profession but he was slightly higher grade. Once home I didnt really have much else to do. I also had a little bit of a “domestic master” vibe about me, so I actually felt pride in him coming home to a clean and tidy flat and a home cooked meal. It made me feel like I was being a good wife.

It all fell apart when we had our first baby.

I have 2 DDs - i will not let them sleepwalk into ridiculous arrangements or at least I will die trying.

Also dont marry anyone with lazy, selfish or mysoginistic tendencies. Seems obvious in hindsight.

[AgeingDoc]

We have different strengths - literally in some respects, though obviously others are due to how we have been conditioned growing up. But I'm 5ft0 with a disability so there are jobs around the house and garden that I simply cannot do, so DH has to do them. It's only fair therefore that I do the jobs that I can do, and they are typically "female" tasks like cooking a ironing. He can cook, but I am miles better and actually enjoy it so it is to everyone's benefit that I do the bulk of it.
I'm also retired now whereas he still works full time so it would hardly be fair of me to sit around all day and then expect him to get stuck into housework when he comes home.
I don't think jobs need to be split strictly 50:50 to be equitable.

[AryaStarkWolf]

I'm also retired now whereas he still works full time so it would hardly be fair of me to sit around all day and then expect him to get stuck into housework when he comes home.

I mean that's fair enough or if you're a SAHP and your husband is working full time but what pisses me off is when both people are out working all day long but the woman is expected to do 90% of the household jobs/parenting.

There's been times over the years when I've done more and when my DH has done more around the house/with the kids, that was all down to what work we were doing at the time though and who was home more. We've never even had to have a discussion about it either, we both know what needs doing and who has time to do it 💁

[GenuineInterest]

Thanks everyone, interesting to read. It has helped me.
Me and DH work FT - I earn slightly more but I do near enough everything. He mows the lawn, puts furniture together when needed and paints a wall now and again, he also makes meals and takes son to rugby.
I am really resentful and have tried to talk to him about it but he just thinks I'm nagging.

My conclusion is that the lack of good communication is the issue

[Fairislefandango]

Some enjoy it. Some prefer to do it themselves because otherwise they think it won't be done to their standards. And some see it as a fair trade-off against other stuff their husband/partner does.

[TheVillageBaker]

It's not that I'm 'happy' to do it. It's that I don't really get a choice! Part of it is my fault because I like things done a certain way and I also give up asking because it just feels like yet more work. When I was a SAHM to 2 school children and a preschooler (at nursery 3 days a week) I didn't mind doing the vast majority because I had the most time on my hands. Now I'm back at work I definitely don't have the time but it's really difficult getting DH to stick to a cleaning schedule and I feel like I'm always nagging. I'm hoping to change things up at work soon and then it won't matter so much.

[FinallyHere]

My conclusion is that the lack of good communication is the issue

If by good communication you mean he sort of played along, did a fee very visible things and let you carry the rest ... then yes, I suppose it's about good communication.

Just maybe, though, he is happy to let you get on with it and complains if he is called out on not doing his share.

Do you care about 'fairness'.

Does he or is he happy to get away with it snd keen for this to continue. Communication, like many other things, requires a willingness on both side to do their share.

[Pyewhacket]

Depends on ppls domestic arrangements and work patterns.

I've been married 20 years and apart from the initial 12 weeks with my first child, 19 years ago, I haven't done a stick of housework since, bar occasionally loading the dishwasher and washing my own clothes.

I'm at work before anybody is even awake and home by 8.30 pm, unless I'm working all night. Not gonna start faffing around with a vacuum cleaner then.

[SlickShady]

Many women take pride in their home. I know feminists claim gender roles are a result of oppression by the 'patriarchy', but where is the evidence for that?

Maybe societies settled into various gender roles because on the whole men were better and more comfortable doing 'men things' and women doing 'women things'. After all, most, if not all, societies across the globe have the notion of gender roles. And it's the same in the animal kingdom.

[AryaStarkWolf]

And it's the same in the animal kingdom.

You never see a female giraffe without a duster or Iron in her hands

[KettrickenSmiled]

@GenuineInterest

Thanks everyone, interesting to read. It has helped me.
Me and DH work FT - I earn slightly more but I do near enough everything. He mows the lawn, puts furniture together when needed and paints a wall now and again, he also makes meals and takes son to rugby.
I am really resentful and have tried to talk to him about it but he just thinks I'm nagging.

My conclusion is that the lack of good communication is the issue

Write it down. Name each task, & how long it took. Present him with the total hours you did in a week, compared with his paltry effort.

Then ask him why he imagines this is fair, or that pointing it out constitutes "nagging".

Do not allow him to deflect or minimise.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
Keep asking that question on repeat until he admits the disparity & promises to set it right.

[HailAdrian]

I feel like my standards are higher.

[HailAdrian]

@AryaStarkWolf

And it's the same in the animal kingdom.

You never see a female giraffe without a duster or Iron in her hands

Missing the point but loving that mental image.

[SlickShady]

@AryaStarkWolf

And it's the same in the animal kingdom.

You never see a female giraffe without a duster or Iron in her hands

Don't be facetious. With many animals that live as a group there a very clearly defined gender roles. Generally with the male being the protector and the female the nurturer.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@HailAdrian

Missing the point but loving that mental image.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@SlickShady

Don't be facetious. With many animals that live as a group there a very clearly defined gender roles. Generally with the male being the protector and the female the nurturer.

Protectors can't load a dishwasher or vacuum?

[KettrickenSmiled]

@SlickShady

Many women take pride in their home. I know feminists claim gender roles are a result of oppression by the 'patriarchy', but where is the evidence for that?

Maybe societies settled into various gender roles because on the whole men were better and more comfortable doing 'men things' and women doing 'women things'. After all, most, if not all, societies across the globe have the notion of gender roles. And it's the same in the animal kingdom.

@SlickShady - gender itself is a construct.
Girls & boys aren't born preferring pink/blue/tractors/dollies - it's socialised into them from the moment they pop out.

Gender does not exist in the animal kingdom, as animal do not impose artificial social constructs on each other according to their genitals, so I'm not sure what you're driving at there ...

[Ejk1990]

My husband pulls his weight around the house.

• he does the bathrooms, bins, cat trays, garden, hoovering and puts the washing away.

• I do everything else.

That might change when I go onto maternity and then work part time. Although I don't think it will. We work better and quicker as a team.

[Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese]

I don't think it's possible to have everything exclusively 50/50 there are certain things I do that dh doesn't (washing, dinners) and there are things I don't do that dh does (vacuuming, cleaning floors) there are things we both do and it depends who's there at that time (empty bins, change beds)

He works from home 3 days a week and will clean the kitchen on those days. I work in a school so do the bulk of housework in the holidays as I'm here.