Can I ask you something about attraction?

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

By this I mean towards a (potential) partner.

Is all or mostly just about physical?

Because to me, people become attractive, better yet I say they ’become their looks’ to me while I get to know them.
And if I like their personality and the way I feel around/with them, then they are attractive to me.

Is this weird? Does any of that make sense?

So often people describe how it HAS TO BE this color hair or eyes and this weight and that tall, and I just sonmt relate at all….

I agree with you; I can find a man superficially attractive because he’s tall or has dark hair but real attraction and love comes with knowing who someone is

My husband isn’t my type at all but I love his smile and how happy he makes me; that’s much more attractive to me in the long term

Completely agree.
DH made me laugh so much when me met as teens (no easy feat, I can be miserable/grumpy and have been since teenage years) that I was instantly attracted to him despite him being not what I'd usually have looked at in terms of attraction.

Strangely enough, DH had also now morphed into a tall, dark and handsome creature while I've become less attractive. Sorcery!

Well physicality must be a part of it, otherwise we’d all be bisexual. I can really like somebody’s personality but if I’m not attracted to them physically then I won’t be attracted to them sexually, and attraction that isn’t sexual is just being friends for me. if I don’t like their personality I might still fancy them, but I wouldn’t have a relationship with them I think this is pretty standard.

If I fancy someone off TV it's mainly about looks as I don't know them personally. But in real life it has to be a mixture of physical attraction and personality for me to be into someone. I'm married now but in the past I've dated some good looking guys, and if they've got nothing about them, ie, no intelligent chat, no humour, no wit, then I'm not into them. But there has to be some physical attraction there that builds and builds if they do have the above features.

I agree with you completely!

Someone could be the most gorgeous person ever but if they have an awful personality or I don't feel safe with them I don't find them attractive at all. To me personality makes or breaks the deal. Looks eventually fade and personality will be the last one to stand.

My DP is absolutely not my usual physical "type" at all but he is the most gorgeous man in the world to me. He is objectively classically attractive but he is such a good man it shines through and he has a great sense of humour which is like cat nip to me.

I have dated other attractive people in the past but if they have a shit personality or are rude or unpleasant I would never be attracted to them. So I think it's a combination

It really doesn't matter to me what someone looks like, but if we can't have a decent conversation then I am definitely not attracted!

Because to me, people become attractive, better yet I say they ’become their looks’ to me while I get to know them.

I know exactly what you mean - my husband was objectively pretty ugly, but after knowing him a while I looked at him and thought "Ahh, he's so handsome". Then after we split up I looked at our wedding photos and thought "God he's got a face like a bag of spanners" 😆

Agreed - and that’s why the human race doesn’t die out. ;)

Nah that's normal. People often have a type they are initially attracted to in a lustful way. But many people also become more attractive when you discover they're funny, generous, caring etc

There's a reason people say he 'laughed the pants off me' 😂

You need some physical attraction, else everyone in my address book would be lovers, not just friends. But it definitely takes personality as well; an attractive exterior doesn’t make up for an unattractive personality - I might be happy to see them on the TV or across a bar, but it's personality that really attracts long term, being able to talk about similar subjects,make each other laugh, trust each other.

Like others I have types that I am visually attracted to, but real attraction comes from who a person is overall. It’s not weird at all to feel how you feel.

For me it's not physical, it's chemistry, masculine energy and just the sense that you'd have really good sex. At least at the beginning anyway

I’ve heard it theorised that physical attraction can often be based on a photofit of traits belonging to people you either respected, admired or felt safe with. It’s Nature’s (imperfect) shorthand way of telling your body “yep, this one’s a good ‘un” so it can flip the switch and release all those love hormones.

That said, whilst I’m all for people having a “type”, I do find it amazingly coincidental how often this “type” happens to be over 6ft tall…

Agree. My DP is shorter than me and I didn't find him particularly physically attractive at first, but he was funny and had a great personality. His looks grew on me and now he's the sexy as hell in my eyes.

I agree. I have to be physically attracted to them first. Although I've worked with some men who were not really attractive at first but they became somewhat attractive to me after getting to know them. But that's very rare for me. Usually its a combo of something about them physical and their demeanor and how they carry themselves will light something up inside. 😊

I wouldn’t say I’ve ever had a type, I think most people have something attractive about them and if you like the person and have chemistry with them then that becomes more prominent. Having said that I’ve never really fancied a short man, especially not one shorter than me.

My first husband was model looks, 6 pack hot. And as it turns out, a bit of arsehole, but he ticked all those stupid looks (vanity?) boxes.

My soon to be DH is not. In fact I had an internal struggle initially over my attraction vs. how he physically presented. Thankfully I got over myself, because he is THE most attractive person to me. He's my hero, my rock, his smile melts me.

Well there are people you may be immediately attracted to and then there are those who you might not find physically attractive immediately but their personality is attractive and a physical attraction grows over time.

Thank you for all the answers, was great to read them.

I think most of us are women, I wonder if men feel the same way, or is it different for them.
(obviously they are individuals)

OP, I'm male and - especially as I've grown older - I've found attraction to be a more nebulous thing. There are definite physical things that can attract me before I've even spoken to someone, but...

a) ...as pps have said, they can quickly deflate the moment I speak to someone and something doesn't click and/or something else about them makes me think "nah".

b)... those physical things are much more wierd wonderful than than the more obvious stuff that attracted me when I was a teenager. One woman had the most gorgeous ears (it sounds bonkers, I know, but the attraction was very real). Or it might be the way her hair looks all touselled.

CLassically attractive women actually do very little for me now. That said, I've never been considered a particularly "hot" guy. I've sometimes wondered if having a "type" is a luxury others can afford to have due the amount of options they have. If you're someone who has a thing for pixie-haired waifs (as I did when I was 18) but said pixie-haired waifs uniformly don't have a thing for you, then you either accept you're going to remain celibate or maybe try a bit a variety. I did, and found it wasn't just as good - it was often better, in its own way.

Everything about my DP appealed to me when we first met. But it's hands down his personality, moral compass and the way he smiles at me - especially when I say something obscure that somehow makes him love me a little bit more in that moment. And that smile makes me fall more in love with him every time too.

His enormous penis helps too, mind 🤷🏼‍♀️

My DP was a long term friend. We'd always clicked over a shared sense of humour, similar morals, relaxed outlook on life.

When things turned romantic, I began seeing him as more physically attractive. His gorgeous brown eyes I'd never noticed before, lovely lovely strong thighs, his care over his appearance. I know the conventionally less attractive physical aspects are there, but they really don't bother me as it's him. I like him for being him.

He also sees the bits about me he likes-my bum, my eyes, my legs, my back. Like all women, I see a flabby belly, a overlarge nose, a small pair of tits etc. I haven't mentioned these things to him, as I'm growing in body confidence plus I don't want to point out my perceived faults.

And what does he say? "you're just about perfect in every possible way"

The older you get, the more superficial physical looks are imo. I know I can do life with this one because of every part of him that makes him him.

I think it depends what you define as physical attraction. Take my husband, for example, whom I met via internet dating. I don't think I would have agreed to meet up with him if he didn't look appealing to me in his photographs. However, when we met in person, the things I was most attracted to were his voice, his mannerisms, and the way he smelled - instant chemistry! The more we got to know each other it transpired that our personalities gelled too and we wanted the same things out of life, so he was a keeper, but I'm not sure I would have given things a chance to flourish without that instant magnetism.

11 years on, he looks very different to how he did then, as do I (we're both permanently knackered due to demanding jobs plus caring for our disabled daughter and my mother who has advanced dementia) yet the chemistry between us is still as intense as it has always been.

In the past, I had a relationship with someone who was, looks-wise, wholly my type. Superficially, my attraction for him bowled me over, but as a got to know his personality and realised how it clashed with mine that attraction waned.

After that, I went for personality first and began a relationship with someone I'd already established a friendship with, but although we had a lot in common and laughed together, ultimately I couldn't get over the fact he felt more like a brother than a lover because the chemistry was lacking for me. The fact his voice grated on me was a significant part of that.

So yes, I do feel physical attraction is vital, but for me, there's so much more to this than how someone looks. I might see a photograph of someone and think, "wow" but until I can see how they carry themselves and hear their voice, I may as well be looking at a painting in a gallery and thinking, "that's beautiful."

I can appreciate someone who is good looking m or f, but for a relationship it all goes on personality, I can’t imagine being with the hottest man on the planet but that was a total bore and an awful personality and outlook on life