Should I drag up the past in order to save my future

[Hereagain22]

NC for this.

my partner and I were together for nearly 10 years. He was 18 when we met and has been hot & cold 3 times during our relationship.

A few years ago (6) when we were not together I went out and ended up waking up beside his best friend. The only thing I remember about the night was how his friend got me so so drunk and was telling me my (ex) cheated on me all the time and could not be trusted. We were apart at the time because I found out he cheated on me. His bf said we did have sex, i have zero memory of it and woke up in my underwear. Some of my friends were with us that night and warned him to back off as I was far too drunk and he would be taking advantage. I have always said that if anything did happen it was un-consensual, however as I have no memory of it (and therefore no painful memory of any abuse) I have just put it behind me.

Fast forward to 3 months ago, my partner left again, however has since said he really wants to make it work, but he has to know the truth about that night. He has said that either his friend (who is no longer his friend) needs to admit nothing happened, or I should go to the police. Either way he says he can’t be with me unless he knows the truth.

This so called ‘friend’ has just had a baby, is in a committed relationship and I feel doesn’t deserve to have this all dragged up, just because my (ex) can’t be mature enough to get over it. I’ve said that even if I went out with him, had a romantic night and planned to sleep with him, that him and I were apart because HE CHEATED.

Am I wrong to not action this request. This guy was my whole life, he was everything I wanted and I honestly thought we’d be together forever (he cancelled our wedding because of this). Should I dig up the past or should I feel that if he truly loved me he wouldn’t want me to go through all of this?

i feel like I’m being taken for a fool here, but wanted as many other opinions as possible before I close the door on someone I thought I’d be with forever.

thanks in advance

I can’t believe you are asking the question tbh. Leave his Ex mate alone ( for starters) he doesn’t deserve to be dragged into this toxic car crash of a ‘relationship’, get your self respect together and block him and move in with your life. He if s a serial chest and hypocrit and you need to run for the hills and take control of your life

^^ WSS

This man is a manipulator and a cheat. Get out and move on with your life.

Close the door hon, he's the one cheating but cancels the wedding over you hooking up with someone (however it happened) when you weren't together. He needs to fuck right off to be honest.

Fuck that, how many more hoops will he expect you to jump through even if you do what he asks? This is either about seeing how high you will jump (for his own amusement, in which case he's a psychopath) or he's looking for excuses not to get married and knows this is a step too far and you won't do it, so he doesn't have to marry you.

I doubt he even cares what happened that night, it's just a convenient stick to beat you with. Once you're free of him you will realise you've been wasting your time ever since the first time he cheated, don't waste anymore

What a charmer! Sounds like you've had a lucky escape from him!

Your ex I mean!

If you did have consensual sex with his friend, it none of his business - you were apart from him at the time. If you had non-consensual sex how you decide to move forward from there is wholly your choice. I’d be paying close attention to his controlling behaviour and staying out of the relationship, I certainly wouldn’t be planing a future or marrying him. Don’t waste any more precious years on this one.

What everyone had already said!

He's a serial cheat & he's demanding you prove whether you were raped or not? Fuck that for a joke.

you deserve WAY-better than him.

you're young, don't tie yourself down to him.

find someone worthy of you to grow old with, this guy will just bring continual misery

He's a serial cheat & he's demanding you prove whether you were raped or not?

This. What a piece of shit. Hanging what could be a sexual assault over your head? Utter arsehole.

The only reason you should talk to the police, or do anything about this, is because YOU want to.

Your ex should stay your ex. Everything you've said about him makes him sound like a car crash of a boyfriend.

Please leave this man today. You deserve so much more than his game playing and manipulation

He's a really nasty piece of work.
are you a lot older than him? He sounds like he hasn't grown up yet.

Getting black-out drunk (because it was you drinking the drinks, right? No one was waterboarding you with vodka redbulls) doesn't mean you didn't give enthusiastic consent at the time.

You REALLY don't understand the concept of consent here. When you're blackout drunk, you cannot give ANY kind of consent.
And so many people I know, including myself, don't metabolise booze very well so can end up very very drunk before intending to be in that state.

Cut your losses OP. He's cheated on you. you know this. You weren't together on the night with his friend. He is seriously lacking in any empathy if he is trying to make you prove you were raped to keep him. You've given him your version of events

If you suspect the friend had sex with you when you were unable to consent then of course it's your right to go to the police but it sounds as though you've put this to bed and it is not his right to demand that of you as a condition of the relationship continuing.

Does he have no idea about conviction rates? I don't think that would be the end of it. What if you reported it but CPS decided not to prosecute/ a not guilty verdict was found? Sorry but it's quite possible after all this time.

He's looking for excuses to get out of the relationship in a way that isn't his fault. I think some counselling might help you to make sense of this toxic situation and what happened with the friend.

Honestly op. You are not saving your future. There is no future here to save.

‘saving your future’ is getting bro of this idiot and moving on

as to the other man. It’s hard. Cos you don’t know what happened. So you can’t really do anything. Maybe you consented? Maybe you didn’t even have sex?

OP you are living in a red flag factory. Leave leave leave. There are billions of men in the world, you don't need this disrespectful piece of shit.

He will use this against you forever - whatever answer you give him. I know someone in the same situation and everytime he wants a weekend away or can’t be arsed cutting the grass he has some vivid reminder of the the day she went out and slept with someone who was a lot less drunk than her, when they were entirely broken up and he was with someone else. The narrative changes “I feel like you don’t make good choices without me” “I can’t stop imagining his hands on you” “I feel like he would do it again and you need to stay away from him or anywhere he might be”. It’s all manipulative bullshit and a handy distraction from him doing what he wants.

Completely agree
plus you were not together at the time because HE CHEATED

Just to add. He’s not looking for justice or closure for you. If he was he would be cognisant of the impact that reporting or a trial would have on you. He would give you agency in any decision and not pressurise you into a course of action that could be stressful and painful for you.

It’s all about him. He wants revenge on his ex friend. Your painful experience is just a way he can do that. He is using you and he doesn’t care about you. Once you do this, whatever the outcome, he will dump you again. Because he wants to get revenge on you too.

All else aside, he is showing no empathy or compassion for you. That's not a partner. Time to go.

Fast forward to 3 months ago, my partner left again, however has since said he really wants to make it work, but he has to know the truth about that night. He has said that either his friend (who is no longer his friend) needs to admit nothing happened, or I should go to the police. Either way he says he can’t be with me unless he knows the truth.

Bravo that man! What every woman wants, after a sexual assault, is for another man to come along & make it ALL ABOUT HIM.

Your man is poison OP.
He was poison before this ... disgusting demand from you, & if this latest doesn't wake you up, nothing will. Although you seem to be aware, & are posting here to confirm your doubts I hope, so ...

You haven't won some kind of prize by him currently agreeing to be your b/f.
He has dumped you & taken you back 94,000 times, & if you stay with him, he will do it again.

In demanding to know the "truth" about something that you don't even fully know yourself, placing himself front & centre in a distressing event that happened to YOU, not HIM, he is showing you that he believes he has some kind of ownership of your body. He wants to know what happened so he can judge you, blame you, treat you as soiled goods.

Can you not see how wrongheaded & damaging this is to you?
Why would you accept it?
This man is a serial cheat, & astonishingly selfish & lacking in empathy.

i feel like I’m being taken for a fool here, but wanted as many other opinions as possible before I close the door on someone I thought I’d be with forever.
Sweetheart, he's not just taking you for a fool.
He's setting you up for being tainted, with him as the hero you are obliged to worship for "accepting" you.

I hope when you dump him you do it by text, & make it blisteringly insulting.
Lose this cheat, & be happy

Agree with everything here except the "friend" not deserving to be dragged back into it. "Friend" deserves a hell of a lot worse than that.

I hope OP's STBeX partner finds him & hurts him. However, I also hope that STBeX gets severely hurt in the process.

OP, the less time you spend being forced to ruminate over a situation that you have courageously & intelligently managed to pretty much put behind you, the better. Howe fucking DARE your toxic cunt of a man make you relive it, to suit his own ego & narrative? Find your rage, & dump Mr Toxic - hard.

You need to walk away from this thread @HappypusSadpus & not look back.
And sort out your victim-blaming rape apologist life.

Move on from this man and his ex friend imo. He has absolutely no right to make any such demands of you.