Boyfriend becoming increasingly lazy in the bedroom, any tips on making changes?

[CharlotteLightandDark]

NC for this, also posted in Sex topic but not sure how much traffic it gets?

I’ve been with my partner for 8 years, we live together. Our sex life used to be really good, in terms of quantity and quality. Recently for me it’s definitely been lacking in quality - still v frequent but with little or no foreplay, for example he hasn’t gone down on me for months. It often feels like my body is just being used for him to jizz into.

We do have our moments of good chemistry and do have good quality sex still, but most of the it’s ‘maintenance sex’ which does little for me.

I have talked to him about it, and he admits he can get lazy but says if this is the only thing he’s lazy about then he’s doing pretty well, and everyone is lazy in some ways. I said to him that I wouldn’t have chosen to commit to a partner who was lazy/selfish in bed and feel a bit cheated that this is what I’ve ended up with. He says I can ‘request’ what I want, and maybe I should, but I don’t like the idea of asking him to do something he’s not up for doing.

Other than this the relationship is good, he’s a great guy and I love him.

Not sure what I’m asking here, but i wondered if anyone else has been in this position on either side, and was there anything you did to help turn things around?

Sounds horrible for you that you just feel used like that.

Fantastic that you have spoken to him about it but crikey how sad that he isn't listening to you and isn't willing to go back to putting effort in!

So you say he hasn't performed oral sex on you for ages, have you on him? Because if he's still getting what he wants then it may not encourage him to change.

Ultimately if this is the man you are looking to settle down with then do you really want to be with someone with whom you can tell your problems to but he then does nothing about it?

He thinks it's important for him to enjoy sex but he doesn't think it's important that you enjoy it. That it's okay that instead of ensuring you enjoy yourself during sex, instead he can do an extra round of washing up or a tip run instead.

Ultimately if this is the man you are looking to settle down with then do you really want to be with someone with whom you can tell your problems to but he then does nothing about it?
this.

That’s not a great reaction. I’d give it a little while though and see if his actions speak louder than words. Maybe it will sink in - he sounds a bit defensive and tbf I think a lot of people might be. See what happens going forward.

Refuse to have sex for a while, I mean why would you, and tell him that. Then once you feel like you might get into it, give it a go. If he hasn't upped his game at that point, I guess that's when you start asking yourself 'is this all I want from a relationship?'. I think its normal to get into a rut, but both need to be willing to get out of it as well, especially when one party starts vocalising dissatisfaction. Also watch Ester Perels 'Mating in Captivity' Ted talk, quite helpful.

Tell him that when people are too lazy to do things, outsourcing is a great solution.

So either he can pay for a cleaner/gardener/handyman etc and put that energy into the bedroom
Or he can carry on doing those things while you go and find yourself a FWB.

Thanks for responses, much appreciated!

Yes I do still give him oral, probably not as much as I used to but definitely more than he does me.

I chuckled at the tip run comment, he’s done a couple this week! He’s generally not a lazy person at all, not around the house anyway. He does all the cooking and most of the cleaning/organising. To be fair to me I do work double the hours he does, he only works 2 half days and 1 full day per week. Because he can I guess.

But I can see him thinking bloody hell, I do this shit around the house and she wants me to give her a orgasm as well! 🙈

I can see why most people would get defensive, but hopefully he’ll have reflected on the conversation today, he’s at work so not spoken to him yet.

Always meant to read mating in captivity- thanks for the reminder!

agree we need a bit of a reset - get out of old lazy habits and put some energy back in!

Simple - If he doesn't put in the work, he doesn't get any action. You aren't a wank sock. Sex is about mutual pleasure. If your partner doesn't care about your pleasure then he can keep his dick to himself.

In comparison, how much does he make you orgasm in comparison to himself? Because if its significantly less, I'd be telling him no more penetrative sex until he puts in the effort with the other stuff. Or, he can jog on. Because a selfish lover is a selfish partner. And life's too short for that shit.

The orgasm gap in our relationship is way wider than I’d like, he’s aware of this as I’ve brought it up several times.
He’s also aware that our relationship is much better and we’re closer when he does put the effort in!

I think maybe we reduce the quantity, as in if he’s too tied or whatever to have ‘proper’ sex that satisfies us both then we don’t have sex at all.

I do think he uses sex/masturbation as a bit of self soothing/sleep aid sometimes.

I would stop sex altogether until he is willing to commit to equal orgasms. He is a selfish sod and you are not a wank sock. Get a good sex toy and let him know you are going to bed early to take care of yourself.

Do a bit of general couple work. Each make a list of what's important to you, then compare them. Talk about the differences.

Be less obliging.

It's totally unreasonable for you to think that because he's good at DIY he can make less effort in the bedroom.

Ask him how he feels about the idea you aren't enjoying sex with him. Ask him why would you keep having bad sex?

Ask him how he'd feel if you expected to orgasm by oral every time, and didn't allow him to come at all or expected him to masturbate later.

He's got used to society's presumption that men's orgasms are what sex is, and that sex matters more to men. I think the opposite.

Honestly. Raise your bar.

Wow - he doesn’t care about you!

But I can see him thinking bloody hell, I do this shit around the house and she wants me to give her a orgasm as well! 🙈

I'm sure you do plenty around the house and he expects you to suolly him with organs too.

🤣

Orgasms

Why does he only work part time?

Going back to the point if the thread (!) he should be wanting to please you in bed because he loves you and because giving someone else pleasure is one of the best things about having sex with someone else. He may as well use a flesh light

As I said, because he can!

He’s not responsible for a wife and children - I work full time and own the home we live in, with my teens here half the time.

Mating in Captivity is an excellent book so definitely give it a read but ultimately I’d be asking for what I wanted, he can let you know if he’s not up for it but I’d be asking rather than assuming he didn’t want to do x.

I think I'd be asking what he's for.

It might help if he presses the " bell "at the beginning of any sexual times and makes sure that you are ready
to receive.Tell him if the bell is not pressed he is not able to come in!!

So he doesn't really work but lives in the house you own and is shit in bed.

You could employ a handyman instead.

Wow your bar is low. A cocklodger who is shit at the cock.
He is taking you for a ride in all departments

if this is the only thing he’s lazy about then he’s doing pretty well, and everyone is lazy in some ways

Ah......I see he's pulled this little trick out on you.

You see, the aim is to minimise the problem and make you feel like you're being hard on him. He wants you to think that he's pretty good compared to other men.

You would like you to think that you don't have the option of a boyfriend who cares about your pleasure and is great in other ways too....because you seem everyone is lazy in some way..... go give him a break....yeah?

The issue isn't so much lazyness as it's that he doesn't seem to be turned on by you being pleasured or turned on. He might also not delight in pleasing you any more because he thinks he has you in the bag. It's an ugly form of arrogance.

but I don’t like the idea of asking him to do something he’s not up for doing

And he knows that, and is pretty confident you won't leave him over it. I don't think you can turn things around to be honest. This is a fundamental difference in attitude. I would want to be with someone who cared more about my sexual please than this.

But I can see him thinking bloody hell, I do this shit around the house and she wants me to give her a orgasm as well!

OH GOD. I hope he doesn't think like that because that's AWFUL. Seeing you orgasm as a result of his skills should be an absolute pleasure and turn-on for him. If he does think that.....my God. He's actually making you feel like you have to choose, like it's some massive favour he's doing for you. What an incredibly low bar.

he’s aware of this as I’ve brought it up several times

He doesn't care OP. That much is clear. Again - it's because he's cocky and think he has you.

He would like you to think that you don't have the option of a boyfriend who cares*