What to do in this situation - DH

[packedlunches]

Genuinely can't decide if I'm being unreasonable or not but too scared to post in AIBU!

Married to DH for 18 years, 2 tween kids, one with SEN.

Haven't always seen eye to eye on a lot of things, but we usually have a big argument and clear the air and move on. Recently we have been bickering/arguing about almost everything. I'll admit it's probably usually me that "starts" it, but I feel I am justified in being annoyed at some of the issues.

An example - he wants to watch sport live every weekend. We told kids we would take them to cinema today and I suggested a time but he wants to watch the Grand Prix so he said can we go to later showing. Later showing would creep into kids dinner time and when I told him this the got really annoyed/angry.

We share a car and need to get a new one. He likes a particular car and I don't. But he says he knows more about cars (true) and therefore we should get the car he wants.

Can't get his head around being accommodating to child with SEN. Part of it is slow processing but he never gives child time, talks over him, interrupts. Child also very forgetful, starts something and doesn't finish, struggles to get started. DH goes mad at him even though I've reminded DH multiple times that child can't help it.

There are many more examples of things but I can't think clearly at the moment. I don't intend to drip feed but more clear examples may come to me.

A few years ago things were really bad and he was angry about everything. I thought he might be depressed so I encouraged him to go to the doctors and he was put on anti depressants. They did help quite a bit, but I honestly don't think he's actually depressed. He's been on them a few years and now trying to wean himself off which may explain things, BUT even when on them he is still such a highly strung person. He however blames everything on me and our kids as he says he can't cope with kids behaviour etc.

I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to split up with him, I love him and when things are good they are great.

Going out now so will check back in later - not ignoring anyone who posts!

I get the F1, for people who watch it you will plan your sunday around the race time, its only 2 hours and starts at 12 today so not sure how that sneaks into tea time for kids.

Car thing you kind of both have to agree but depends what the issue is with the car yoi would like and whether its valid concerns.

SEN thing isn't good, how old is child? He needs to realise that he needs to change his approach with that child otherwise they'll always be fighting.

Well, from these examples, I think it's a bit of both?

'Creep into the kids dinner time' on a Sunday doesn't sound the end of the world to me? So I think you were being a bit inflexible here. And why shouldn't he choose the car if he I'd into cars and has one he likes? Unless there's a good reason you don't like it?

The bit about interrupting and shouting at your SEN kid is really awful though

In general I wouldn't want to live in an atmosphere like this when you are constantly arguing. So, whether it's your fault or his fault or both, it may be that this relationship is no longer right for you.

The way he treats his child who struggles with communication leaves me cold. I could not stay in a relationship with someone who abuses their/my child.

Look, it doesn’t sound very good. And you can’t fix him, only he can do that.

Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

I don't want to split up with him, I love him and when things are good they are great.

But look what's happening when they're not great - he has no interest in your SEN child's welfare and gets angry with them; blames you and the children for everything; everything has to be his way. There's more, I know.

It's the good times that keep us hanging on but when your and the children's lives are affected by one person's unreasonable behaviour, something has to change.

If you don't want to split up with him do you think you can come to a compromise? Do you think he will address (or even admit to?) his frustration and anger issues, give up watching live sport for a family cinema trip, make a joint decision with you about what car to buy?

You're right to post in Relationships, BTW

Some questions/ things to consider....

Does he get 'angry' every time you have a different 'opinion' to his ?

Does he 'blame' you/DC for HIS poor behaviour e.g shouting ?

Does he 'contribute' equally to daily life/chores/childcare etc ?

Do YOU get equal 'free time' to 'indulge' in your interests/hobbies ?

If you answer the first 2 questions 'Yes' and the last 2 as 'No', then you've got real problems i.e he's 'trained' you to not 'upset' him by being abusive to you and DC, and he'll ALWAYS see what HE wants as his priority, regardless of your/ your DC needs/ wants/ desires.

If that's the case, then there's not usually a 'good' outcome I'm afraid. It's just a matter of how long you're prepared to sacrifice your own and your DC's needs at the alter of HIS wants/needs/desires and how long until your kids start rebelling against him. (Because normal 'teen' behaviour is all about 'rebelling' and being 'selfish', and your H won't tolerate anyone ELSE being 'selfish', will he ?)

In your examples, I would let the cinema thing go - it's really not a big deal. But choosing a car to be used by you both should be a joint decision, and being shitty with your SEN child (or any child for that matter) is really, really not on.

He however blames everything on me and our kids as he says he can't cope with kids behaviour etc.

There are some people who are fundamentally unsuited to family life, and unfortunately don't have the self-awareness to realise this before having DC.

Does he accept that his handling of your SEN child is sub-par, and is he open to learning better techniques? If not - I really would be thinking seriously about splitting, as his impatience and frustration with your poor child will be significantly impacting their self-esteem :(

The way he’s treating your child with sen is unacceptable; by staying with him you’re choosing for your child as well- to stay with someone who isn’t kind to them. Your child doesn’t get to choose but your job is to protect them

I think you're being petty in two of your examples. The movie creeping into your kids tea time, really? Can you not be flexible even once? Must they have dinner at a specific set time or the world ends? No it will be fine, drama over nothing.

The car, he knows more on them. Maybe the car you've selected is actually shit and he knows it? You admit you know very little. What's your reasoning for not liking his choice and what do you want?

His behaviour towards his child though is completely unacceptable. I'd divorce him on that alone.

Agree with this.

Having been married to a petrolhead for many years (now thankfully in the past) the F1 thing would boil my piss. Does he insist on watching qualifying live, too? That's the entire weekend planned around his convenience, and aren't there something like 20 GP a year now? I'd LTB for that alone, and I'm only half joking.

I'd let him veg in front of the TV and take the kids to the cinema myself.
Next weekend he takes them out so
You can have a few hours to yourself

Constant arguing
His behaviour/'parenting' of his Dc with SEN

Both of these are really bad. Your h will be affecting your child's confidence and self-esteem.

Your parents are the people who should always have your back and be there for you. I couldn't live with a man who treated his own Dc like this.

I would just like to touch upon the depression part of this - to outsiders (this is no criticism) but depression can be really really hard to relate too. It's great that he did follow your encouragement and seek professional help. But as someone who has been their, not one fix solves all - I've been on several different meds, some worked, some didn't, I had to try several different ones until I found the sweet spot. I was on them for 5 years and still severely struggling with mental health, until I finally sought private therapy. And only now - do I realise how little medication worked and wish I'd done this sooner.
I too, during depression was unbearable, I was reactive, nasty, lazy, unpredictable but truth be told I didn't understand my own emotions from hour to hour so being around me must have been horrible. I put my partner through the ringer with it all. But he loves me, so, he stuck by... which must have been hard. And I'm fully aware I've got a lot of work to do to put things right. (No infidelity or anything, just ran him into the ground for years)
But, it maybe worth a chat about that - maybe it isn't time for him to take a step away from medication. Maybe? He needs to try and alternative method?

As someone who's suffered with mental health, I cannot express how all consuming and exhausting it all is. It literally ruined my life internally. I was so so unhappy and angry all the time, it didn't make any sense to me or anyone else... but it's very real, in our heads.

However. Of course you know your partner better than anyone else... he may well, just be a bit of a d**k.

Your marriage sounds light years from ever being "great." How can things ever be good with a selfish, miserable man who blames you for everything and abuses your SEN child?

But he’s being foul to your SEN child-how is that someone you can love? Talks over him, interrupts, doesn’t give him time to process? He’s his father, he should be his number one protector!

Well , you need to factor in the travel time & the length of the movie.

a lot of kids with SEN really need things they can rely on, specific intervals of events & consistency. A late dinner can upset the entire evening & bedtime routine.

@packedlunches

i think you really need to look at your relationship objectively and without fear of being alone with the kids. I'm not sure it's as ok as you're telling yourself it is. Sorry

Put your DC first. I'd look at splitting up - it's no good for your SEN child. Think how much freer you will feel to organise your day and buy the car that meets the family's needs and not be trying to intercede or placate your H to try to prevent him getting mad.

As a first step work out your finances and seek legal advice. I'd start to emotionally detcach from your H - tell him your plans with the DC and if he can't make it, so what - go on your own, run the family as if he wasn't there, carve out space and time for yourself in your bedroom whilst he is watchng sport downstairs. You can't change him , so change yourself and reaction. Tell him not to speak to your DC like he does in a low measured tone and remove your DC from your H's reach.

Apologies for coming back to thread so late - busy day then man was down last night.

So the examples I gave yesterday probably weren't great. There are lots of things that irritate me which in isolation are probably minor, but when added up they become a trigger for arguments. I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me.

I have considered separating but to be honest it would break my heart and the kids would be devastated. DH would also be devastated. I can't also see how it would be helpful to the children as it would mean so much change which my ds would not cope with. Also, at the moment if DH doesn't deal with dc appropriately, I am there to intervene and explain why he needs a different approach. If they are spending 50% time with him alone then that wouldn't happen.

I have really sat and considered everything for many months and I do think that staying together is the "lesser of two evils", but we've been happy in the past so I suppose we need to find a way back to that somehow.

Does he accept that his handling of your SEN child is sub-par, and is he open to learning better techniques?

Yes and he listens to what I say and agrees, but often in the heat of the moment he gets frustrated and reverts back. He doesn't shout or become abusive, but tends to treat ds as neurotypical.

It's just the fact that the next showing was loads later, plus travel time and I then had to cook when I got back. It would have been way too late for them.

Car thing - I just think it should be a joint decision as it's a joint vehicle.

He doesn't insist but he would aim to watch both live yes. It always seems to be right in the middle of the day and it just winds me up.

Thanks for this - it's all so true. The issue is that I'm not sure if it is actually depression. It seems to me like an inability to handle stress. And I mean anything absolutely minor. I do wonder if he might also have undiagnosed SEN as my ds has very similar traits. I'm not using this as an excuse for him, but more as an explanation.

Ages ago when DH was given the anti depressants, the GP suggested talking therapies but he didn't want to do it. He said he couldn't see how talking to someone would help.

Would he be prepared to go to a parenting class for parents of children with SEN?
Do you think if you split he would really want the DC 50/50? especially your DC with a SEN?
I think you need to think about what you want to change and how and write it all down and then have a really serious chat with him about it and lay it out that he needs to do x,y,z or your marriage is in serious trouble. It might shock him into changing his ways. He should want to be a better parent and person for your DC and a support to you.