Struggling with adhd husband

[Seraph21]

My husband was diagnosed with adhd last year. He was never good with time keeping or decision making but it never appeared to be anything to worry about. In hindsight his symptoms slowly got worse as time passed and then when I became pregnant with our child his mental health started to seriously decline. Fast forward two years he finally got a diagnosis and stimulant medication. We are now almost a year down the line and our relationship is at breaking point.

Compared to the experiences of some that I have read, he really tries his best but I am finding it so difficult. The responsibility of making sure he does all the things he's supposed to makes me feel like his mother. I have really tried to change our routines and lifestyle to support him but I inevitably run out of patience. The dynamic of our relationship has totally changed and he is so different from the person I first fell in love with. He is also so negative and I think suffers from depression but he won't consider this. I love him and want to make it work but I feel so alone (we live far away from our families, I've only just settled into a job after years of not working, I have no close friends and no support network).

We are in a perpetual cycle of fighting and making up and are both exhausted. We are looking for a specialist adhd relationship counsellor but it feels like this is our last chance. I guess I would like to hear if anybody has any positive experiences they could share. Or experience with other treatments/therapies other than stimulants?

Thanks for reading.

Sorry I don't have any advice but following with interest. DH doesn't have a diagnosis but mentioned casually a year or so ago that it had been suggested that he has adhd. I started looking into it and everything fell into place. Like you, I find I'm responsible for everything and it makes me feel like his mother. It's exhausting and has really damaged our relationship.

It's probably not because of age that it's got worse but having children. You're amount of responsibility has increased tenfold. And being frank ADHD makes dealing with responsibility very difficult.

Even if he does have ADHD, you do not have to stay with him if its not working. You don't need to 'fix him'.

I had a recent adult diagnosis a couple of years ago , I am now on meds following a period of titration , i tried counselling and it was not for me at the moment

I went through a period of grieving about not having found out earlier in my life

Some days I still really struggle keeping my patience and my concentration. I run my own business with 6 full time staff and 20 or so subcontractors . Hyper focus is great but will often lead to burnout either over a day or a period of months
I try to make a bit of me time during the day , which can sometimes be really tough

I make allowances for my ADHD and combined Autism but dont allow it to control my life
I also dont let it become an excuse for poor behavior

Things that have helped are understanding what it is and taking some of the positive things ( hyper focus , creativity , ability to talk to people ) and recognise the negative things before they become a thing ( impatience , a lot of things on the go , not taking a break )

I check in with Psychiatrist every 3 months and have been open with close friends family about it all

@Cazzawazzamoomoo Definitely. He admits that himself, he says he doesn't think he's capable of being a husband and a father. I know this really upsets him and my heart breaks for him. I think I Iet myself believe he'll get better, even though logically I know that's not how it works.

@Cazzawazzamoomoo Definitely. He admits that himself, he says he doesn't think he's capable of being a husband and a father. I know this really upsets him and my heart breaks for him. I think I Iet myself believe he'll get better, even though logically I know that's not how it works.

@Cazzawazzamoomoo Definitely. He admits that himself, he says he doesn't think he's capable of being a husband and a father. I know this really upsets him and my heart breaks for him. I think I Iet myself believe he'll get better, even though logically I know that's not how it works.

@Cazzawazzamoomoo Definitely. He admits that himself, he says he doesn't think he's capable of being a husband and a father. I know this really upsets him and my heart breaks for him. I think I Iet myself believe he'll get better, even though logically I know that's not how it works.

My dh has adhd we assume though no diagnosis.. He is an amazing df.... Though he is an adult dc at times and it is exhausting....
Def tests our marriage..

I have a very close family member who is a great Father...ADHD diagnosed as a child.

Remember people have their own personality, regardless of ADHD.

Child diagnosis makes a huge difference. Adult diagnosis often means all sorts of fkd up coping strategies are in place that have to be unlearned. They can be unlearned but it takes time.

I do sometimes feel like an adult child but I also bring good qualities to a relationship that are sometimes taken for granted. My husband made his contempt quite obvious but post diagnosis he understood and apologised which actually helped heal our relationship- which was absolutely on the brink.

So now we work together better and feel more like a team. I can tell you that people with ADHD are very sensitive to contempt and have a lot of shame. Your husband needs to know you're on the same team not judging the hell out of him all the time. I mean, who wouldn't be depressed living with that? It depressed me feeling disliked in my own home.

But you need to understand that adding children to the mix is when the wheels come off for many people with late diagnosis. For me hyperfocus was my survival strategy but you can't hyperfocus when a baby needs fed or a nappy needs changed. BUT it gets much easier as children get older and more self sufficient and I'm slowly learning new strategies. Plus my skills - empathy, creativity, flexibility, honesty, humour - are very valuable as children get older and need to navigate friendship dynamics etc.

Good luck OP. Try and be a team because ironically that's what will encourage your husband to really work to step up.

(And I'm really not negating your struggle. Some days I wouldn't want to be married to me either - but they're getting fewer and farther between. And some days I don't want to be married to my husband! The big difference between us is how reflective we are on the need to make changes. Only you know how on board your husband is.)

I want to pick up on this too because I feel sorry for both of you in this situation in different ways.

I think we sometimes need to look at gender expectations and how they can add to the stress. Sometimes we need to redefine roles like 'mum' and 'dad'. I used to have this panicky sense that mums 'should' be this, that and the other and then felt like a permanent failure. Now I'm more accepting that husband and I bring different things to the table, not always the conventional things!

Therapy exploring your expectations of words like 'husband' 'father' might be very useful. If you grew up with a very calm, methodical, organised dad you might have a very different idea of what a man / husband/ father 'should' look like. Or you might have grown up with someone a little like your husband and then essentially married your father. I'm just flinging ideas out here but therapy might be a very useful exercise both individually and together.

Pm me if you want.

I have ADHD myself, here are some things I found helpful and I'm unmedicated (for the Adhd anyway, I'm medicated for other things).

ADHD usually comes with a thing called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. That means we perceive criticism or offhand comments about us as being much worse than they really are. It sounds like you are constantly having to tell him to do things, which may seem like the right thing to do but in the long term he's likely taking it the wrong way and spiralling into rejection sensitivity. I know when I get well meaning advice from people I have to tell myself it's well meaning and not get angry.

What helps me immensely is writing things down and sticking them up within easy eyeline. If you tell me to do something I'm listening to three different things at once and it's forgotten the next minute, but a list on the fridge I can see every time I make tea is a hundred times more effective. I have recipes hanging over the oven, sticky notes on the craft table and a whiteboard near the front door. You could make it part of your routine to sit down and write out everything that needs to be done in the week and putting it up somewhere to refer back to it.

Unfortunately there's no way to just make an ADHD brain work like a normal brain, like all disabilities you need to find adaptations around it.

Hi @Seraph21
I feel for you both.
If you haven't already, I recommend you Google Melissa Orlov and her book on ADHD and marriage. Melissa does an online course that is worth seeing if you and your DH could work together on.

Ned Hallowell is another author for you both to read.
Good luck. X

OP what medication is he on? Is there a point taking it if he's getting worse? Is there no alternative he can take?

Following for advice.
In a similar position, DHs diagnosis was discovered after the birth of DD.

It's exhausting. Mine checks out when he's overwhelmed leaving everything to me.
He's on Xaggatin which helps him get out the house and do his part time job but the last 5 years have caused a crater in our marriage.
If anyone can recommend a specialist ADHD counsellor, I'm listening

I've just asked my DH if he thinks he has ADHD. Yes he said! That explains a lot!

Pressed too soon - Sad reading of all these people with ADHD whose partners feel they are a burden, exhausting, childish. There are so many positives to ADHD and other neurodivergences. If your partners are so unbearable maybe you should leave them. Maybe they could find somebody who appreciates them as a person instead of an irritating condition.

100% agree Daisy

My DH calls it his superpower 🦹‍♀️

It's not your job to fix him, and being in a marriage where you feel like your husband's mother is soul destroying. You do not have to stay in this relationship if it makes you so miserable.

Adhd and depression together are not uncommon.
Is be seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist who can prescribe?
Maybe he would benefit from an adhd coach - to help him be more responsible for his day to day life. I use my phone a lot - to put in appointments with reminders. It all goes in my phone. With alarms. It helps.
sounds like the bigger issue at the moment is the depression

You've got a small child? The first three years are nearly always rough unless you've got a great network of friends and family - dh and I coped ok with adult life pre dc, but the wheels fell off when we had children as there is just so much more of the things we were both poor at - organisation, communication, patience, lack of quiet downtime etc, helpful routines destroyed by non sleeping dc etc.

Things may start to look up soon, you still already be through the worst of it.

Your dh, or perhaps both of you sound depressed to me.

There are a couple of books that I've found helpful as a parent of two ADHD kids (I know that's not the same thing, but nevertheless they are good books!). The first is Thomas Hartmann's Hunter in a Farmers' world, and the other one is "how not to murder your ADHD kid". Obviously the latter is aimed at parents, but it's full of succinct and compassionate information about how to coexist more harmoniously.

I also wonder if his medication could be reviewed? Maybe he could do with a higher dose?

I echo previous poster re Ned hallowell. He has tiktok video tips and info which are short enough for an ADHD brain to handle!

OP, I know you're not saying that your partner is a 'burden' - nor are the other partners of people with ADHD in this thread. Me included. You love your partner, recognise that they are wired differently and want to work with that to make your relationship work. It's sad that people jump to a judgement that is unfair. Perhaps this is reflective more of their experiences than yours. Don't mind it.

That's why I recommend the work of Melissa Orlov and Ned Hallowell, because they fully validate the strengths of people with ADHD and help them and their non-ADHD loved ones work using those strengths to overcome the challenges. Because it's obvious there are challenges - otherwise it wouldn't be recognised as a condition.
Best of luck to you.