Struggling with adhd husband

[Seraph21]

My husband was diagnosed with adhd last year. He was never good with time keeping or decision making but it never appeared to be anything to worry about. In hindsight his symptoms slowly got worse as time passed and then when I became pregnant with our child his mental health started to seriously decline. Fast forward two years he finally got a diagnosis and stimulant medication. We are now almost a year down the line and our relationship is at breaking point.

Compared to the experiences of some that I have read, he really tries his best but I am finding it so difficult. The responsibility of making sure he does all the things he's supposed to makes me feel like his mother. I have really tried to change our routines and lifestyle to support him but I inevitably run out of patience. The dynamic of our relationship has totally changed and he is so different from the person I first fell in love with. He is also so negative and I think suffers from depression but he won't consider this. I love him and want to make it work but I feel so alone (we live far away from our families, I've only just settled into a job after years of not working, I have no close friends and no support network).

We are in a perpetual cycle of fighting and making up and are both exhausted. We are looking for a specialist adhd relationship counsellor but it feels like this is our last chance. I guess I would like to hear if anybody has any positive experiences they could share. Or experience with other treatments/therapies other than stimulants?

Thanks for reading.

So you are saying those who are saying they are struggling and having difficulties are not allowed to say this? That their stress is invalid? And they should accept anything?

I liked the Hunters in a Farmer's world book too. Essentially people with ADHD were not made for a world run by bureaucrats who adore processes and lists and papers! But we do have lots of other skills including a certain ability to pivot and be fast, responsive, flexible and creative. And the world is changing very, very fast. It's going to need people like us.

Hunters and farmers can make brilliant teams it's just that they naturally bring different things to the table. Both can learn to meet in the middle and stop expecting Hunters to become Farmers and vice versa!

So yes the small child years can be very, very difficult. They can slow everything down but as children get older I found that I came into my element. Your husband may well be the same OP.

Coaching or counselling could be really effective but individual therapy especially. You're both feeling worn down in different ways. Do that alongside any couple's counselling or individual coaching.

Melissa Orlov is seen as the guru on ADHD in marriage. Reading her stuff might help both you and your husband feel more seen and understood.

You might find this interesting OP or rather your husband might:

www.additudemag.com/webinar/dads-with-adhd-parenting-advice/

I really rate Additude's stuff and so does my psychiatrist.

I really feel what your saying OP and am sorry. I am in same situation. Although he won’t do anything about it his disability.

Some will try to convince you that it’s just a personality trait and therefore you need to put up with him as he does with you.
True in any relationship there must be tolerance kindness love patience etc.
But this isn’t about personality. It is a neurological disorder.

5 years of struggling with the effects of his ADHD almost erased me as an individual.

Melissa’s book has helped but I still have to put up a hard fight to not let resentment eat me alive.
It may have its positives but if the individual doesn’t work hard to to manage their symptoms it wrecks a relationship
The parent-child dynamic erodes intimacy, attraction and passion.
Accept that his brain is wired differently.
Be mindful of RSD which fuels low self esteem
Most importantly if he doesn’t take responsibility for his disability, don’t try to fix him. don’t forget that you need you and your child needs you. So please don’t neglect your needs. Be kind to yourself. Practice self compassion and open up to a good therapist.
Don’t try and be superhuman

I ended my very long-term relationship over this. I am the one with ADHD. I can hyperfocus, but I get very tired easily. My partner was constantly on at me about forgetting directions, not focusing, being late for things. I really try, but I can't cope with extraneous noise, interruptions (or the fear of them), supermarket shopping. I lose things (keys, tickets etc), misplace stuff and if I am on time for anything it is a miracle.

He used to tell me I am "daft", need a carer, am exhausting, immature, loud (I'm not loud but I have a strident tone because of my job as a lecturer and I find it difficult to regulate). I sometimes exasperate friends but most of them are kinder than he was.

Sounds like a good decision there @ImJustMadAboutSaffron that takes a lot of courage after years of belittling. I can do most things it just takes me longer and more effort than some people and my younger dd in particular is the same. The older one too but not to the same extent.

I remember watching my dd being assessed and was impressed she could do x,y,z and thought she'd come a long way from when I first had concerns at age 2 and the OT was saying 'can you go any faster' - it hadn't occurred to me that she was having to work much harder mentally to do seemingly simple things before then.

I very strongly suspect my DH has aDHD (he is also dyslexic) After hearing a report on the radio of late diagnosis adult ADHD it was like a penny dropping and then when I read about it, and looked up executive function after reading something on MN and I feel sure he has. He is not willing to entertain the idea (just researching or reading about it would be a no because he finds reading difficult)
We work together too and sometimes it feels absolutely exhausting carrying the mental load for home/kids/work.
Sorry that is no help whatsoever OP!!

You did the right thing. It really starts to erode you after a while. I was very, very close to ending my marriage.

People come into marriage with certain expectations. I wasn't living up to his. It was quite a shock for him when I pointed out - he wasn't living up to mine either! I still have to point out how much effort I'm actually making that often goes unseen.

Sorry, posted too soon. All I wanted to add was: being honest about things not living up to expectations on either side means you can have an honest conversation about what can be changed and what can't.

I also like to remind people that ADHD partners can be easier to gaslight. Some of us have a tendency to make everything our fault. What helped me was starting to really notice when I asked for help and none was forthcoming. My husband put this down to laziness; it wasn't. It was me sincerely saying, I know I do some very difficult things quite easily but I genuinely need you to help me with this thing because I don't know how to do it. And when he started berating me, it helped pointing out: I have told you I can't do this without help. Stop berating me. When are we going to make time to start doing this thing together? Or do we need to outsource it?

Hello OP

Just wanted to see how things have been...I'm in a similar situation and wondered how you got on?

I’ve seen partners go through this loving someone who tries, but feeling exhausted and alone. What helped wasn’t just medication, but outside support and firmer boundaries so they stopped carrying everything. Things improved slowly once responsibility was shared again.

Your challenges are valid, OP, and so are his. You mention that “The responsibility of making sure he does all the things he's supposed to makes me feel like his mother,” so my recommendation is to drop most of that.

I’m not sure what “all the things he’s supposed to do” include here, but anything beyond things that directly affect you and your children and the family as a whole are not your responsibility (ie if you’re scheduling doctor or dentist appointments for him, or keeping track of his work schedule, or waking him up to get to work on time).

Let him fail at those things and he will either fail or step up, but your energy is best spent focusing on your needs and your children’s needs. Outsource as much as you possibly can, to take the pressure off both of you. Early parenthood years are extremely hard, especially if you have no extended support work.

Many ADHD partners go through this same parent-child dynamic, and it’s exhausting.
ADHD often worsens with stress, and depression commonly comes with it, so meds alone may not be enough.
Couples often improve with ADHD-specific counseling, coaching, and clearer responsibility boundaries.
Positive outcomes do happen, especially when support doesn’t fall only on one partner.

Zombie thread from 2022.