Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really worried about custody *trigger warning*

35 replies

Todonow · 12/06/2022 02:15

Hello

My bf and I have a baby.
I recently caught my boyfriend watching tons of videos of child abuse online.
He admitted everything to me, telling me some of them were teenagers, some of them were 10/11 year olds and one of them was as young as 5 years old.
I was disgusted and reported him.

He admitted it to the police officers but denied everything when he spoke to the investigator.
He is out on bail but I got a call from the investigator hinting they hadn't found anything so far and that finding incriminating evidence from videos he watched online was harder than finding evidence from content he downloaded. They basically insinuated he would most likely be released without charges.

He is still on bail but I am very scared of the outcome of the investigation if they released him without charges and he were to apply for custody.
I don't want him unattended with our son if he got shared custody, I dont trust him.

I don't know how to take it from here.
Part of me wants to stay with him to make sure I am always with our son.
But we cant live like this.
Im lost

OP posts:
Original poster
Todonow · 12/06/2022 02:17

Sorry, i forgot to mention the charge is possession of indecent images of children

OP posts:
Onedaytherewasapear · 12/06/2022 02:38

OP- have you had contact from social care yet? Police should have made a referral?

Original poster
Todonow · 12/06/2022 02:39

Yes I have. The social worker is scheduled to speak to the police next week. I will also receive some documents and have programs to follow

OP posts:
Onedaytherewasapear · 12/06/2022 02:45

I would speak with them about where they are with it. Their rules and thresholds are different from the police. I cant imagine, with that accusation and the fact he agreed to it, that they would be happy for things to carry on as normal.

Original poster
Todonow · 12/06/2022 02:45

Will also have a child in need meeting in a couple of weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
Todonow · 12/06/2022 02:48

Onedaytherewasapear · 12/06/2022 02:45

I would speak with them about where they are with it. Their rules and thresholds are different from the police. I cant imagine, with that accusation and the fact he agreed to it, that they would be happy for things to carry on as normal.

I really hope that is the case.
I just got really worried when the investigator told me he had denied the charges and had admitted to only possibly having accidentally found a picture of one teenager he thought was 18 but could have been 16.
She told me it was very unlikely they could incriminate him for that.
But i know he is lying

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 12/06/2022 02:51

I would imagine the most he will get will be a contact centre if anything at all. There is no way he will be able to see your child unsupervised for a long time, there will have to be meetings between the social worker, the police & any other services involved. Don't be surprised if one side wants to allow contact & SS don't, stick to what SS say to keep your child safe.

Original poster
Todonow · 12/06/2022 02:54

Nat6999 · 12/06/2022 02:51

I would imagine the most he will get will be a contact centre if anything at all. There is no way he will be able to see your child unsupervised for a long time, there will have to be meetings between the social worker, the police & any other services involved. Don't be surprised if one side wants to allow contact & SS don't, stick to what SS say to keep your child safe.

Right now he is not allowed unsupervised contact with the baby, that's his bail condition.
But his bail is ending soon and the child in need meeting in a couple of weeks could also lead to the case being closed apparently

OP posts:
Justholdingmybreath · 12/06/2022 02:54

Oh my god, you must be in absolute turmoil. I don’t even know how I came across your post but I can’t read that and not respond.
F* cking hell, I have been through a difficult time recently but this is an unbelievably awful situation - I applaud you for doing the right thing and reporting his vile behaviour right away, you have simply done the ONLY thing you possibly could, faced with that.
If he is released, do whatever you feel you safely can to get evidence of him admitting to this awfulness to protect your child.
I can’t even begin to imagine how sick you must be feeling, I’ve experienced finding messages from other women on a partners’s phone but this is something beyond words.
Please, please find the strength to leave and get a restraining order or whatever you deem necessary to protect yourself and your precious child. You cannot possibly stay to oversee his relationship with your baby, if he gets any access then it has to be supervised.
You have done the right thing, the only thing you can. Find the strength to see it through and save you both the heartache and anxiety that is inevitable - you know what you saw even if the CPS don’t and you have a duty of care to your little one.
So sorry you’re living this.

Imogensmumma · 12/06/2022 03:10

My heart is breaking for you…. I don’t have any advice other than don’t get back together and is there any evidence you can find at home? Shared technology, send it to an expert to see if they can find anything hidden

Is he trying for custody? Do you still have a line of communication that you can discuss options with him.

You poor thing big hugs

northernlola · 12/06/2022 03:23

Police/CPS and Social Services work on a different burden of proof. For a criminal prosecution, it is "beyond reasonable doubt" whereas Social Services work on the balance of probabilities. It's common for criminal proceedings to end, for example due to lack of evidence (therefore the person is "innocent" in the eyes of the law) but for Social Services to remain concerned on the basis of the information - in this case what you saw/what your partner told you.

Please don't worry that just because he might "get off" due to lack of evidence, that Social Services will just close the case and won't cafe whether he's around your child or not. They will. They will still expect you to keep him away.

The same goes for the family court. If he did make an application, all information would be considered (not just official convictions) and I can't see him being given any unsupervised access on the basis of what you've said.

Original poster
Todonow · 12/06/2022 05:29

Thank you for your kind and reassuring words and all your advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Todonow · 13/06/2022 13:56

Social services got back to me and said they would give an assessment plan.
What does that imply exactly?

OP posts:
CoffeeLover90 · 13/06/2022 18:06

My situation is not exactly the same but - I had my sons dad removed by police for assaulting me and snapping my phone. They released on bail although he denied it in the sense that he couldn't remember. I had SS visit. An assessment plan is basically the list the people involved in the child's life and give points/instructions to follow. I was signed off by SS after one visit as I agreed not to take him back or allow unsupervised contact. I asked social worker what would happen if he went to court - the court would ask SS for a 'section 17' where they provide their recommendations for contact. Obviously if there are no concerns there's no issue, in my case they'd recommend supervised only. And even though your ex is only suspected atm I highly doubt they'd allow him to see the child with no supervision, especially if you voice your own concerns.

TheVanguardSix · 13/06/2022 18:28

Oh my god, don't even do supervised because that will build up to unsupervised faster than you can imagine. And then you're stuck with weekends at dad's.
Oh you poor thing. This will be long haul and I imagine it will be years of him hauling you to court for contact, but anyone with half a brain will do the right thing by your DC (though trust me, judges amaze the absolute hell of me with their 'vision' of what is good for children and what is fair for dad- the emphasis seems to be on the latter).
My former husband is in prison for sexually abusing our daughter and already he's making noises about contact when he gets out. I feel imprisoned myself by a system that insists women and children remain chained to the fucking rights dressed up as 'parental responsibility' of predators. And when we try and protect our children from being potentially abused, we're the law breakers. It's a fucking lark, is it not?

Please don't worry that just because he might "get off" due to lack of evidence, that Social Services will just close the case and won't cafe whether he's around your child or not. They will. They will still expect you to keep him away.

This is REALLY good to keep in mind. Social services may waltz off into the sunset and close your case because they trust that you are a responsible parent who will protect your child from the father. My child in need case was closed within 3 weeks of my former husband's arrest/bail because my children were safe! The danger- their dad- had been removed from the home and from their lives. So closing a case early means they're not worried about your child in your care. They are worried about your child in dad's care. Not yours.

My former husband admitted guilt from the get-go to abusing our daughter for several years and STILL, he nearly walked for lack of evidence. Fortunately, the tide turned. But lack of evidence is not 'he's innocent' and SS will know that. It's just shitty lack of evidence. Your ex will act like it means 'he's innocent' and he will use that lack of evidence to his great advantage... he'll be 'entitled' to see his child because he has PR (oh they all fucking shout that one from the loudspeaker. Wait for it! I have PR! Yeah, well, you're also a predatory paedophile so fuck you. OP, there is NO room for compassion here. Sorry to be harsh about your ex but I am laying it on the line).

Lack of evidence and walking around town a free man does not mean he should see his child. And do not feel pushed to hand over your child in the name of his parental rights. Fuck that. Sorry. I am a very angry woman, can you tell?
Protect your child. Do not discuss options. He fucking lost his options.
Believe me. I thought it was just porn with my ex. That was the frickin' tip of the iceberg. Your baby's father is a deceptive man who just hasn't gotten caught enough... yet.
All I can say is do everything in your power to get him out of your life forever.

TheVanguardSix · 13/06/2022 18:36

Part of me wants to stay with him to make sure I am always with our son.

Op, these are deceptive, corrupt men who will always find a way to abuse if that's their intention. I was at home, raising my children, overly protective of my daughter, looking out for every threat that might come her way. I worried so much, too much. I was looking externally. I missed the threat standing right in front of her, the man who was meant to protect her from predatory people like himself, her own father.

Sorry, I won't go on and on. I've just been so so so so so deceived and emotionally battered. The judge at the sentencing really focused on the deception that abusers carry out inside the family home, which is rendered a hell pit. I can't begin to tell you what it's like to be the mother who knew nothing and did nothing to protect her child because I had no idea. This is my cross to bear. Seriously, he's shown you who he is. Blatantly so.

CoffeeLover90 · 13/06/2022 19:57

TheVanguardSix · 13/06/2022 18:36

Part of me wants to stay with him to make sure I am always with our son.

Op, these are deceptive, corrupt men who will always find a way to abuse if that's their intention. I was at home, raising my children, overly protective of my daughter, looking out for every threat that might come her way. I worried so much, too much. I was looking externally. I missed the threat standing right in front of her, the man who was meant to protect her from predatory people like himself, her own father.

Sorry, I won't go on and on. I've just been so so so so so deceived and emotionally battered. The judge at the sentencing really focused on the deception that abusers carry out inside the family home, which is rendered a hell pit. I can't begin to tell you what it's like to be the mother who knew nothing and did nothing to protect her child because I had no idea. This is my cross to bear. Seriously, he's shown you who he is. Blatantly so.

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. But I do think you're amazing. Your fight comes through in your posts. This is absolutely the fighting spirit all parents need.

Original poster
Todonow · 18/06/2022 00:26

CoffeeLover90 · 13/06/2022 18:06

My situation is not exactly the same but - I had my sons dad removed by police for assaulting me and snapping my phone. They released on bail although he denied it in the sense that he couldn't remember. I had SS visit. An assessment plan is basically the list the people involved in the child's life and give points/instructions to follow. I was signed off by SS after one visit as I agreed not to take him back or allow unsupervised contact. I asked social worker what would happen if he went to court - the court would ask SS for a 'section 17' where they provide their recommendations for contact. Obviously if there are no concerns there's no issue, in my case they'd recommend supervised only. And even though your ex is only suspected atm I highly doubt they'd allow him to see the child with no supervision, especially if you voice your own concerns.

Thank you for your reply and insight. I found it really helpful.
I am sorry you went through all that. I hope you and your son are okay xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Todonow · 18/06/2022 00:27

TheVanguardSix · 13/06/2022 18:36

Part of me wants to stay with him to make sure I am always with our son.

Op, these are deceptive, corrupt men who will always find a way to abuse if that's their intention. I was at home, raising my children, overly protective of my daughter, looking out for every threat that might come her way. I worried so much, too much. I was looking externally. I missed the threat standing right in front of her, the man who was meant to protect her from predatory people like himself, her own father.

Sorry, I won't go on and on. I've just been so so so so so deceived and emotionally battered. The judge at the sentencing really focused on the deception that abusers carry out inside the family home, which is rendered a hell pit. I can't begin to tell you what it's like to be the mother who knew nothing and did nothing to protect her child because I had no idea. This is my cross to bear. Seriously, he's shown you who he is. Blatantly so.

I am so sorry. You are a fighter and an amazing mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Todonow · 18/06/2022 00:36

Update:

I have to wait for an upcoming MARAC meeting next week.

My case has been transfer to the long term social services team.

My social worker tried to reach the police too but said she couldn't get an update and that it was still all ongoing.

My MIL tried to minimize it all. I don't know if it's denial or if she is trying to make me look at things as if they werent serious.

She refers to it as if it was regular porn, she says it is disgusting and degrading for the wife but that most men do it.
Police wanted to charge my husband for domestic violence too but I told them I didn't want to press charges.
She went on to tell me about the story of her family member (praising her) whose husband repeatedly abused, smashed her head against the floor and sent her to the hospital but that she still didn't report him.
She berated me for not trying to stop the police from taking my husband away and made me feel terrible about it. She told me how the situation upset my husband's younger brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Todonow · 18/06/2022 00:37

She also asked me to pretend to the social services that I was happy and not show any signs of depression

OP posts:
Original poster
Todonow · 18/06/2022 00:39

Sorry, I pressed send too early.
She went on to tell me that if a couple have problems, the child takes the side of the stronger parent (aka my husband) to scare me I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Todonow · 18/06/2022 01:16

Sorry for the confusion between bf and husband btw.
We are religiously married but not legally.
So in the eyes of the law he is a boyfriend

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 18/06/2022 01:23

Caffcass will do their report & you can virtually expect it to say the sun shines out of your exes bum. To them he will do everything right, you need your social worker to keep the case open until court & present a report that he is a danger to his child. My exh raped me yet the Caffcass report was that he was a good dad & it was safe for ds to see him even though he was on bail for raping me.

Original poster
Todonow · 18/06/2022 01:27

Nat6999 · 18/06/2022 01:23

Caffcass will do their report & you can virtually expect it to say the sun shines out of your exes bum. To them he will do everything right, you need your social worker to keep the case open until court & present a report that he is a danger to his child. My exh raped me yet the Caffcass report was that he was a good dad & it was safe for ds to see him even though he was on bail for raping me.

Im sorry that happened to you. It's absolutely disgusting. I hope you eventually got to go no contact with him and that he is out of both your lives.

I have a report from SS that describes the incident from both our points of view

OP posts: