Help, I'm so resentful and seething

[PinkDressDay]

I am seething with resentment and just looking for a sense of perspective here. My DH and I have a 2 year old. He is extremely energetic as most 2 year olds are. I look after him at home the majority of the week except 2 afternoons when he attends nursery. We cannot afford more nursery time until my freelance business is back bringing in more income after Covid and so I'm sort of stuck trying to use the two nursery afternoons and weekends to build my business to bring in more money and then I also care for my son, as well as the unusual housework and family life admin all week. Husband works for an investment bank, long late hours. He's not very senior (we are youngish) so he's not earning extortionate amounts of top money but it's a good income that means we can just about afford for me not to work and look after DC. (Chicken and egg). However we can't afford any extras like a holiday which I'm desperate for. Husband is never home in time for bath so I do all the 2yo dinner, bath and bed all through the week. This often includes Fridays as well due to husbands work. I find it exhausting. I know others love being SAHM but I find it hard work and lonely, even though my son is a gorgeous little lad.

Today DH had a lie in this morning, while I took son to the park. (My lie in is tomorrow). DH then went for lunch with a friend whilst I did sons lunch and put him down for a nap. I've been promised that DH would take our son out this afternoon and was looking forward to it, so I got down to some work on my business while son was napping. Really concentrated work on customer numbers etc and so I was very motivated as I knew that when son woke up DH would be back from lunch and could look after him giving me a good chunk of a few hours. However, DH arrived home and told me he now has to work for a couple of hours. I got booted off the computer and will now have to take DS out this afternoon while husband works.

I'm so fed up with it. DH hasn't seen DS for consecutive days this week and DS sometimes cries for his Daddy at bedtime. It's not like DH is paid extra for overtime. I won't be having a holiday this year as we can't afford one. His income covers our mortgage, groceries, bills and a few extras but not much more. If I could only get my business back up then I could pay for a holiday for us all, but I can't make the time to do it.

Looking after 2yo all day I'm exhausted. I try using evenings to work but honestly once he's down, I do clearing up and try to keep slightly on top of laundry, cleaning etc (always behind) and it's 9.30 by which time I'm knackered and would rather watch something and try getting sleep.

Weekends are the only option but not when DH has to work. It's the expectation in his industry that they are available for clients to work at the drop
of a hat but then it's impacting on us.

He thinks it will be worth it for the financial rewards in the future. But in the meantime I feel I'll prematurely age or become a raging resentful mess. And all this is before we even think about the impact on our mental health, our marriage and the possibility of having a 2nd child.

How can I get through this challenging phase? I'm ready to shout at him because I'm so angry at everything being down to me all the time and his bloody work taking priority over everyone and everything.

Sounds like a tricky position for you as a family, with him working “big job” hours but not bringing in big job money.

I’d say first things first - can you afford £20 a week for a cleaner? That would take some of the pressure off you and free up a couple of hours a week. That way you can use nursery time to work not to do housework. If you make a boring meal plan - Monday spag Bol, Tuesday pie and veg, whatever, just have a routine and shop for it, that becomes less challenging, then at least you will have the mental energy to do something for yourself when you’re free. It sounds like your H has free time at weekends but isn’t prioritising your and your DC so you need to talk about that. It’s not ok that he doesn’t see his child for days and then isn’t fussed about spending time with them at the weekend either.

Also him chucking you off the computer so he could work isn’t ok.

What would have happened if you'd said no, you need to stick to what we agreed and carried on or gone out to work at the library etc? It seems like you just accepted it!

Well he feels he has no choice. The client needed this thing sent to them. We are talking about million pound clients and the expectation is that they react immediately otherwise the bank risks losing the client. So short answer is, he would say it's putting his job at risk for him not to do the work.

Firstly resentment is like drinking your own poison - so stop that right away.

secondly, you feel this way because you are effectively feeling like a single mother, you have the benefit of a partner yet he is doing nothing!

tell him being a parent means that you have to crack on even when you have been to work all day! You look after your son all day and when your husband gets through the door then things need to be shared, bedtimes, bath times, anything child related.

you should have equal leisure time also

you have sort of created this situation by allowing him to live his life as it was pre child.

put your foot down ASAP. Share the lie in on a weekend, him sat,, you Sunday etc

also if you genuinely believe you can earn ££££ if you had more childcare, consider taking out a 1-2k loan out so that you can work PT over two months to get the business coming in.

if he is decent he will start pulling his weight after you have a good chat

if he doesn’t change well then you’ll die of the poison anyway!! Or the relationship will

And a cleaner is a great idea! But if money is tight I’d prioritise getting the business running

@Quitelikeit I see what you're saying but he doesn't get home till well past toddlers bath / bedtime, so those things have to fall to me.

Can you get any free or reduced hours ?
Also , if you do everything he needs to help when he's off. I see he managed to find time to go for lunch with a friend

Have you tried saying "No"?

You were working. Why didn't you tell him to piss off? You're not hired help ffs. His job doesn't come before yours. He already had a commitment to you and should've told work 'no' because of childcare. Or perhaps maybe not had a lie in himself or gone out to do his own thing.

I think you might find he knew earlier he had to work but your commitments were unimportant in that moment, only what he wanted to do was important to him.

So he elected to have lunch with a friend instead of honouring his commitment to you. He chose to have lunch out knowing he had work to do and canceled your time instead. So he considers himself and his time more important than you and your time. That attitude leads to divorce.

Not sure what you can do, but I would start thinking about maybe starting a Masters degree that will lead you into your own well paid career eventually rather than the business if its not making money. Start future proofing yourself as the resentment you are feeling isn't going anywhere.

How convenient that he had to work when he was supposed to be looking after his child but not when he wanted to go for lunch with a friend

OP he is absolutely mugging you off. I used to work in the city and the number of men who would piss around in the evenings to avoid getting home in time for bedtime was absolutely staggering.

He doesn't need to work late every night. He chooses to.

I would get a job. He isn't interested in supporting you to get your business back on its feet so get a job, put your son in childcare. Tell him he has to do bedtime 3 nights a week.

And get up after your lie in tomorrow and go out for the day. Alone.

Will your child get 15 hours of funded nursery in September? (It's the term after they are three I think). If you can earn the equivalent of 16 hours of minimum wage they can get 30 hours funded (I think but look into it).

Maybe when your child gets 15 hours funded nursery put some energy into your business to get the 30 hours and then you will be able to earn better.

Don't be too hard on yourself or your partner. It's nobodys fault and if he is paying for everything for the whole family I doubt he earns too badly. Keep your eyes on the prize things will get easier soon.

Thanks all

It's a shame he couldn't have come with you to the park in the morning, that way you would have had a more relaxing time and you could have spent some quality time together as a family. As it was, he got a lie-in, lunch out with a friend and work time when it was convenient for him. Sounds like a pretty good deal for him!

Perhaps a discussion is overdue about what you both need and what is fair? You could talk about what an ideal weekend would be for both of you, something that you both could look forward to.

Yes it was a shame it panned out like that. He has just finished this piece of work and sent it off. He said he'd need an hour but it took 3. I've been playing with toddler all afternoon, having looked after him since he woke up this morning, so it's just felt like any other week day. I'm still waiting for a break and time to work. If I'd known I was to have him all afternoon I'd have booked soft play or something.

I have taken myself into our attic room where there's a comfy chair for half an hour of down time before my head explodes, while DH plays with DS.

Do you have equal leisure time?

I think a starting point is looking at that and seeing you get none!

Looking after a toddler all day almost every day is exhausting and draining. While it doesn't sound like the work situation can be changed at the moment, maybe you can set aside one or two evenings per week that at least allow you some time for yourself and get you out of the house. Maybe join an exercise class at a time your DH is generally home and leave all the cleaning up to him that day. Toddler years are exhausting and it will all get easier eventually but I would hold off having a second child until your business is running again for the sake of your sanity. All the best!

I think I would get a job outside of the house. An office admin job for a few years. When your child is at school then look at building your business up.

If you’d gone for a family day out to somewhere an hour or two from home, he’d have been able to explain to the client that he wasn’t near his desk but could be back at x time.

It irritates me when women married to high earners - or potential high earners in your case - describe their situation as being akin to single motherhood. It really isn't.

You have only one child. You do not work. You run a household of just 3 people. Yes, money might be tight now but presumably you chose to have a child now rather than waiting until you were more established and you yourself say that your DH's earning prospects are good. Either your standards are so high that you are running yourself ragged needlessly or you are being entirely unreasonable in your expectations of leisure time. To be honest, I want to tell you to get a grip but I understand that running around after a toddler can be soul destroying.

You could always put your child in nursery and get back to work yourself but be careful what you wish for, the grass is not always greener.

You need to talk to your DH and between you find a way for you to work better as a team without you being resentful.

@THisbackwithavengeance I don't remember comparing my situation to single motherhood at all??

The OP didn't say that, another poster did (and I agree with you, it's absolute garbage)

This. I agree get a full time job, put your child in child care and start building up your pension and salary.

What job is he doing in banking if it’s such long hours but without high pay? Normally the long hours are in jobs that would pay over £100k within two years of joining the graduate program.

We started family life in your position. We had the luxury that I could be at home full time whilst our children were young.

Mr's salary paid our essentials and a cheap camping holiday out if peak season each year. Wasn't bells and whistles but it was a break

My Mr came home after bedtime, didn't eat with us, had to work at weekends, was hard to commit to anything really.

So I understand your frustration.

But it's also a luxury. Having one adult not economically active nowadays is a luxury.

Our two children are just over 2 years apart. And what do you do?

You accept that until your son is at nursery from 3, think you get 15 hrs a week, then school and same for second you accept this is your life for 5 years and try and build up your business if/when you can. Or get a part-time job that will cover childcare and a holiday but working for someone else.

I didn't have much time "off" until youngster went to pre-school. But it happened looking back in the blink of an eye.

Admittingly once babies in bed I didn't do any housework after that. I tended to let things slide at the weekend because why shouldn't I have one as well. Our house was chaos at times but we had clean clothes, good food, fun, play, just cleaning windows/oven/hoovering under furniture was a major undertaking.

Now looking back the Mr knows he couldn't have any more time with the kids when they were small than he did. He wished he did and always didn't want to miss a moment when at time in the moment sometimes we all feel that you just want a break.

But breaks aren't what babies or toddlers are about.

I found if I woke before them, particularly in the summer, it was the only hour in the day I could have a coffee and indulge in reading fiction in peace. The golden hour.

All I can suggest is you try and carve out those golden hours for yourself. Whilst son naps do your work, even if it's on a laptop whilst he watching children's TV for an hour or two it won't damage him.

If you want another child then you are back not only to square one but until youngster goes to nursery you will have even less time than now. So I would, well it's what we did, back to back almost and accept that until child is 3 you and free time are non existent or at least not predictable. Or just stick to one child then this time next year you will be on the home straight.

You could try appealing to husband's parental side saying you are missing his childhood. Which he is. And he'll likely regret it. But it does sound like his job which will reap rewards in the future does have to come first at times because money, and hopefully not having to worry about money is important as well.

It's a balancing act.
It really in the grand scheme of things doesn't last long.
But resentment won't help.