Help, I'm so resentful and seething

[PinkDressDay]

I am seething with resentment and just looking for a sense of perspective here. My DH and I have a 2 year old. He is extremely energetic as most 2 year olds are. I look after him at home the majority of the week except 2 afternoons when he attends nursery. We cannot afford more nursery time until my freelance business is back bringing in more income after Covid and so I'm sort of stuck trying to use the two nursery afternoons and weekends to build my business to bring in more money and then I also care for my son, as well as the unusual housework and family life admin all week. Husband works for an investment bank, long late hours. He's not very senior (we are youngish) so he's not earning extortionate amounts of top money but it's a good income that means we can just about afford for me not to work and look after DC. (Chicken and egg). However we can't afford any extras like a holiday which I'm desperate for. Husband is never home in time for bath so I do all the 2yo dinner, bath and bed all through the week. This often includes Fridays as well due to husbands work. I find it exhausting. I know others love being SAHM but I find it hard work and lonely, even though my son is a gorgeous little lad.

Today DH had a lie in this morning, while I took son to the park. (My lie in is tomorrow). DH then went for lunch with a friend whilst I did sons lunch and put him down for a nap. I've been promised that DH would take our son out this afternoon and was looking forward to it, so I got down to some work on my business while son was napping. Really concentrated work on customer numbers etc and so I was very motivated as I knew that when son woke up DH would be back from lunch and could look after him giving me a good chunk of a few hours. However, DH arrived home and told me he now has to work for a couple of hours. I got booted off the computer and will now have to take DS out this afternoon while husband works.

I'm so fed up with it. DH hasn't seen DS for consecutive days this week and DS sometimes cries for his Daddy at bedtime. It's not like DH is paid extra for overtime. I won't be having a holiday this year as we can't afford one. His income covers our mortgage, groceries, bills and a few extras but not much more. If I could only get my business back up then I could pay for a holiday for us all, but I can't make the time to do it.

Looking after 2yo all day I'm exhausted. I try using evenings to work but honestly once he's down, I do clearing up and try to keep slightly on top of laundry, cleaning etc (always behind) and it's 9.30 by which time I'm knackered and would rather watch something and try getting sleep.

Weekends are the only option but not when DH has to work. It's the expectation in his industry that they are available for clients to work at the drop
of a hat but then it's impacting on us.

He thinks it will be worth it for the financial rewards in the future. But in the meantime I feel I'll prematurely age or become a raging resentful mess. And all this is before we even think about the impact on our mental health, our marriage and the possibility of having a 2nd child.

How can I get through this challenging phase? I'm ready to shout at him because I'm so angry at everything being down to me all the time and his bloody work taking priority over everyone and everything.

@frozendaisy thank you. Your post is very realistic and helpful. I think I'll re-read it later once DS has gone to bed and I can digest it properly.

I do get the sense it's easier to look back and think it's all been worth it (I find that the worst moments of mumhood all tend to get blanked out in my memory, similar to childbirth) so I guess you're in that fortunate situation of your DC are now all over 3 and you're reaping the rewards! But at the same time I can appreciate the truth in your post.

It's probably a case of grin and bear it for another 3 years, as we do want 2 DC and I don't want to wait too long and have to prolong this bit.

You're ignoring all the posts saying that your husband is deliberately avoiding spending time with your child and you're planning on another? Good luck with that.

If you're seething and resentful now, I don't want to think about how pissed off you're going to be with two kids that you have 100% responsibility for.

Well I'm pissed off about today, but I wouldn't say he uses work to avoid seeing his son. His work is very full on.

It's more about making it work for me too.

Why not? I mean he clearly did today - he left his work until he was on dad duty. And then spun it out for hours.

Yeah, like I said, I'm pissed off about today.

I don’t understand why he went out for lunch with a friend when he has been away from the home all week and hardly seen his son. Except for my mat leaves, I have worked more or less full time since my DCs (now teenagers) were born as has my DH. When we weren’t in the office, we were with our children more or less all the time. If we socialised at weekends, we did it as a family with other friends who had children.

And your DH can clearly work from home - he’s just done it this afternoon. He doesn’t need to stay very late in the office every evening. He is choosing to do so. He could come home at least some of the time and log back on after bathtime and bedtime. As a poster said upthread, the City is full of men who stay late in the office unnecessarily because that feels easier than coming home to a lively toddler and a wife who’s desperate for some adult company.

I will say: I’m a middle-aged lawyer. Some of my colleagues were hands-on dads but many practised avoidance like your husband is doing. The normalisation of WFH probably helps but my younger male colleagues are nearly all very hands-on and involved. They make time for their DCs and work round evening bathtime and bedtime. Like working mums have been doing for eons.

From what you say, your DH seems to think that being the breadwinner largely absolves him of having to parent. He’s wrong.

I Understand your perspectives and frustrations, but it's the £ that pays the bills

This is very very good advice. However my problem with your husband, OP, is that he is shirking his parental responsibilities even when he can be present. I don’t believe for a second that he didn’t know about this work task ahead of going to lunch with his friend. He chose not to tell you so he got to do both and didn’t have to take care of his child.

Let's assume he didn't know he'd have to work this afternoon when he went out with his friend for lunch, and that he is a generally decent sort who shares chores and childcare when he can. Bonus points if he is paying into your pension and that the family money that you enable him to earn isn't just going into his pension.
That being the case, your question is then more how do carve out some time for yourself? I think part of the answer is do the day-to-day stuff while DS is up and awake. It will take longer, but he can"help". Don't wait till he is in bed to clear up, or do the washing, but try to make sure that all his sleep/nap time= free time for you.
Also make sure that DH understands that you having time to work comes before him getting any free time to go out with his friends, or got to the gym, or anything else. Can he come up with a plan of when you get time to work? Eg first thing in the morning before he goes to work? It will be easier for you if you can do it outside the house, eg in an early-opening cafe.
Also you need your own computer.

I've worked in the city too in the past OP and I agree with @Clymene - an awful lot of men hung around for hours rather than go home and actually help out and if his job is that important then they should give him a laptop to use at home- what if he didn't have one outside work??

In my experience it isn't true that people expect answers all times of day and night outside of working hours- he's not a surgeon and it's not money markets where you are dealing with different time frames - there's rarely anything that can't wait- it's more a mental 'look keen' kind of thing.

Today is a symptom of an ongoing problem of time management. Yes, for now his job comes first because it’s paying the bills, I accept you are in that catch 22 so you can’t follow advice to tell him to fuck off etc because he’s supporting the family (for now).

• Bath/bedtime. When is this? Is there any possibility of delaying this until after DH gets home so he can do it? I really think it would be beneficial to the child and your DH to see each other & interact every day even if it means the child being up a bit late. The child is only 2 and can sleep in or take a nap.
• Your Business. With your DHs job being full on, it’s obviously not realistic to think you can cover all childcare by yourselves. You need to find some money for a babysitter and schedule in blocks of time for you to work. I worked as a mothers help as a teen babysitting in the home while the mother went off to a home office and worked. That mother was doing her PhD, but the principle is the same. I’d prioritise this over a cleaner as you desperately need guaranteed time to work on your business.
• Cleaning/Laundry. Age 2 is a great age to do much of this with your toddler. You can give them jobs to “help”. Let them sort laundry..say find all Daddy’s socks..go!. Give them a cloth to “wipe” the low spots when you’re wiping down counters or dusting. Get them a toy Hoover so they can Hoover next to you. Have tidy up time where you pick up and put away toys together. Don’t feel like you can only play with them. Part of parenting is also teaching them life skills and it starts by them being there with you and “helping”. Most children love to help. Mine did :)

Sorry I am not bashing but you have one 2 year old and you are not done with all that entails until 9:30pm? Sod that, I have 3 and they are all put away and eveything done waaay before that

Hmmmm, you know better than us but as other PP's have pointed out, very convenient that the short notice work request didn't impact his social appointment.

Homely if he thinks he can work a job that only covers the bills and not anything extra like a holiday he doesn't get to prioritise his job over yours, family time or anything else.

If he doesn't earn a massive amount, he needs to find a job that suits your family.

This is so tough. It’s always down to us women to sort everything and be all things to all people. I think work is key to keeping sane. Do what you can when you can and it will pass, nursery beckons. I literally counted down the hours but then, now I miss the kids being that age. Life is strange. Career is vital.

If he is at A&A level in a bulge bracket you just have to put up with it. If he is VP or above it seems less likely he has such insane hours with such regularity. Either way, he’s right that the rewards come eventually financially speaking, and that yes he does need your laptop. If he’s pretty junior you need to ride it out or he needs to move to be on the other side of the deal which is obviously fewer hours.

Fully agree with @Morte . I understand your frustration OP but speaking as an ex banker it's entirely plausible that he didn't know about the work while he went to lunch, and it got thrown at him last minute. And in those situations there is genuinely no saying no.

Investment banking and a family can only work if both parties are prepared for the slog it entails. I don't think a lot of PPs understand the nature of the job as when I did it, equal leisure time for me and DH meant him working FT as well as doing literally every single household chore (and I probably still had less down time!). That being said, it isn't fair on you if you don't feel it is working for your family - he shouldn't be prioritising his career at the expense of his family, and may well need to look at doing something else - there are plenty of good careers out there for someone with IB experience that have way less hours and intensity.

Full disclosure - DH and I absolutely couldn't have had a family while I worked in IB, so I absolutely understand where you are coming from, you have every right to be fed up even if he isn't doing it on purpose

The mortgage backed securities, scandal of 2008, do some bankers ect just see the ££ rather than how risky the investments are ect ? I know that's a sweeping question, but not sure how to phrase it better at the moment.

@Hawkins001 I started after the crisis so it was a bit of a different world to be honest!

OP,
If you think one child is challenging, 2 is another ball game altogether.

I cannot imagine my husband going for lunch in the situation you are in, long hours, not seeing his son, exhausted wife carrying it all.

You would be bonkers to have another child.

Take that seething and resentment and multiple it by 10......and you'll be ball parking how you will feel.

@PinkDressDay "grin and bear it for another 3 years" is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. By then you'll have had 5+ years where you've had all the domestic and child care responsibilities, (and your dh has had very little). I guess you will then find it almost impossible to carve out any meaningful time, or to shift the workload balance between you and your dh. Also, if things 'work out' for him he'll be earning more ££ (or on the brink of it) and therefore have even more reason why he has to work long hours or respond to work at the drop of a hat whenever it is convenient for him to leave you with the load

It doesn't sound to me like this is only about what happened yesterday. It sounds like you're lonely, that your capabilites are not being used, and that your independence is being eroded. Did you have a succesful business before dc? Or work that contributed to the famly income? How did that make you feel? Valued? Proud of your achievements? An equal partner in the relationship?

I suggest that you get this sorted out before you start to have another dc. Find ways to get your business re-established (even if that means paying for more child care or domestic support in the short term). Get yourself a realistic business plan. Identify when and how you need support from your dh.

Then before you start ttc no2, plan, discuss and agree how you are going to balance your business and childcare once dc2 arrives. Even if you are using all the income from your business to pay for childcare and domestic support, you will have your business up and running and when dc2 also goes to nursery you will be established and making money, rather than trying to start. I also suspect you would also feel more fulfilled over the 5 year period between now and then. Being a SAHM is a great luxury, but it's not the best solution for every Mum.

That's understandable, I'm guessing some certainly got the sting in the tail, but then I also read a cdo, became a bespoke tranche opportunity, basically replacing what they had previously been selling.

How long before some members of different institutions make another pickle, I guess it's wait and see.

I don’t think grinning and bearing it is going to work. You’re already seething with resentment. Add in another pregnancy and then having a baby
and a small child not yet at school / juggling the school run to years of resenting your husband and you have a recipe for a very unhappy family.

You will also have put your career on the backburner for yet more years, while your husband furthers his career - adding to his workload and responsibilities presumably. By the end of this period you could end up with a crumbled marriage, no warning power and a husband who has done very nicely in his career.

I think you need to try and sort things out with him first and make your freelancing a priority - for a start, why don’t you have your own computer? You can buy laptops or desktops secondhand for not a lot of money so you should make this your first job. I think you should also consider telling your husband you’re not willing to conceive another baby with him until this issue is sorted out.

Op go and get a job put the dc in nursery the money will pay for your holiday.
Is your do tired when he gets home can you ask him to do the washing cooking and cleaning when he gets in to give you a break

Dh