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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mixed signals- should I just go cold?

49 replies

Confusedcactus · 11/06/2022 10:59

First time poster (but regular reader!), and looking for some advice.

I met a colleague in person for the first time a few months ago, we clicked and got on really well, and have chatted through our internal messaging system most days since.

This had gradually become very flirty, and about 6 weeks ago he asked for my number. Then, about 2 weeks ago, I saw him in the office again (this is rare as mostly work at home). He came over to chat briefly, again obviously flirty, but he seems to come across social, but slightly shy.
That night, he messaged me again, and it was pretty sexual. To the point it surprised me, as it seemed like quite a big jump.

The thing is, he starts these conversations (a few more have been sexual, but always flirty), he'll be immediately back and forth for a few messages, but every single time he just stops replying after a few messages. Every single time.
Then, a few days later, he'll initiate a conversation again. I find it very odd, as it's never at a natural point in the conversation, or ended with 'right, I'm off to do xyz now'.
He's not asked me out, just messages me like this, with seemingly no other intention. He's the one who's sort of 'upped the ante', and I've matched when he has. I do find him attractive and started to quite like him, but it seems he's just not interested.
Would it be reasonable for me at this point to just stop replying to anything he sends personally, and only respond to him within work if it's work-related? I don't know how to play this.

OP posts:
Confusedcactus · 11/06/2022 11:18

Any advice on this would be really appreciated!!

OP posts:
Hopeful1992 · 11/06/2022 11:19

I think it’s very reasonable for you to do what you’ve said. You have to set clear boundaries for what you want. It sounds obvious that the current situation doesn’t suit you so don’t let it go on.
He sounds to me like he’s trying to see how far he can push, he’s not making any commitment I.e asking you out. I would personally stop replying if it’s not positively serving you and only reply in a professional capacity. If he asks why then just be honest. If he does really like you he will stop the games and just ask you out

Bellyups · 11/06/2022 11:21

To me it sounds like he gets off on the messages. I’ve met someone who is just interested in sexy messages and not meeting up before. Don’t waste your time x

Confusedcactus · 11/06/2022 11:31

Thank you both, it does seem like he is just seeing how far he can push, and that he is one of those who just gets off on the messages.
I feel like it's obvious he's playing games, but it's always helpful to get outside perspectives! I just need to stay strong and avoid the temptation to respond.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 11/06/2022 11:45

I am not wary of workplace romances as a rule, but I think getting into swapping sexual messages with a colleague and nothing else is something you definitely need to step away from.

seaUrchinOne · 11/06/2022 16:38

He just wants a bit of attention now and again, he would of asked you out by now.
Don't message unless it's about work, ignore anything flirtatious.

FriedTomatoe · 11/06/2022 16:41

He's definitely up to no good. Are you sure he doesn't have someone else? Not sure why he'd suddenly disappear like that.

Notodaynotever · 11/06/2022 16:50

I would be thinking why bother. He doesn't sound worth the trouble.

Confusedcactus · 11/06/2022 17:27

Thank you all for your advice. Definitely seems like he's just using me for a bit of attention occasionally, and it has crossed my mind he could well have someone else/ other women.

I was worried that ignoring him (other than in a professional capacity) would seem too strong, like I was 'ghosting' him unfairly. But I'm not about these games, so need to take myself out of it.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 11/06/2022 17:48

Could this person be pleasuring himself whilst you are messaging?

that would explain why he makes a hasty retreat!

AceofPentacles · 11/06/2022 18:08

He's having a wank

KettrickenSmiled · 11/06/2022 18:13

I don't know how to play this.

You stop playing & shut this shit down.

He is trying to reel you in with hot & cold behaviour, he is sending you sexual messages without the courtesy of even asking you on a date, & he is a colleague.
He is boundary-testing you to see how much disrespectful treatment you will tolerate.
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

WomanHere · 11/06/2022 18:15

His intention will not be good. I would ignore any of his messages of a sexual nature.

Confusedcactus · 11/06/2022 19:10

@Quitelikeit @AceofPentacles
Two of his 'sexual' messaging runs did include photos of him doing exactly that...

@KettrickenSmiled I think that was where my initial shock came from- sexual messages without as you say the courtesy of even asking me out, didn't sit well with me.

I'm so glad the general consensus supports how I'm feeling!

OP posts:
Neverendingmindfuck · 11/06/2022 19:16

Hopefully you didn't respond with photos of your own? You obviously don't have to answer that but I'd be concerned about his what his intentions are with any photos exchanged.
He doesn't sound like he wants to do anything other than sexting.

You don't sound like thats your bag.
If you don't have to text about work (he didn't have your number before) I would block him.

daisychain01 · 11/06/2022 19:26

If you want the nuclear option, report him.

He sounds like a pervert. Urgh. Especially the photos, that's vile.

Confusedcactus · 11/06/2022 20:18

@Neverendingmindfuckno, I've not sent him any photos in return! It isn't really my thing anyway, but also felt way too premature.

@daisychain01 interestingly (without being too outing) he works in a sector of the business where you'd think he'd know better.

Reading these I think I've maybe been a bit naiive- I'm not really up to speed on modern dating as I came out of an 8 year relationship a year ago. Ridiculous as it seems as I'm writing it, I think I missed some serious red flags as I assumed this was just the done thing now.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/06/2022 20:31

Yeah, the reason he stops messaging is because he's ejaculated. He can't even be bothered to say "thanks babe that was amazing" which most paid webcam and phone chat providers expect.

You've been providing him with free wank material and haven't even got a thank you 😒🙄

Block him from your phone and give him a frosty response at work. Professional only from now on. Don't delete the messages he sent. Just in case of any workplace blowback.

DoloresMores · 11/06/2022 21:29

Agree with pp he might be having a wank. I’d block.

DatingDinosaur · 11/06/2022 23:48

Eauchhh, that’s not mixed signals. That’s a sexual compulsion. What a bloody pervert.

I might be in the minority here but any, any, ANY sexual flirting (or dick pics) before I’m dating someone is a massive no-no. There’s a saying on mumsnet – when a guy shows you who he is, believe him.

Jizzing on a computer screen is not a good hobby.

decayingmatter · 12/06/2022 00:12

What a fucking loser he is.

Yes, just blank his 'sexy' messages or respond with 🙄🥱

MumE78 · 12/06/2022 00:19

Have you looked him up on socials?

He's either a big time player, married or in a relationship that's gone stale and needs attention and a ego massage.

Don't waste anymore time on him

AchatAVendre · 12/06/2022 04:08

Sexual messaging plus flirting plus no date generally equals casual sex. I'd be very wary. Especially as you work with him. He might be the type to spread it all over the office. And "shy" can often actually be secretive. I don't think he sounds like the shy type anyway. You are probably naive if you've just come out of a long relationship so I think this one is best avoided in future.

frozendaisy · 12/06/2022 04:56

Quitelikeit · 11/06/2022 17:48

Could this person be pleasuring himself whilst you are messaging?

that would explain why he makes a hasty retreat!

My exact thought

PeppermintPatty10 · 12/06/2022 05:11

Hmmmm the flirtiness without taking it further is a bit strange..... I get that he might want to test the water before asking you out properly, but the way it's not going anywhere makes me suspicious...
Surely after a few texts, he would suggest meeting up outside of work, if he was a straightforward guy.

I wouldn't engage with flirty texts any more (but I think you know that already) because I'm not sure what he really wants from this..

If you wanted, you could answer the next text with 'Do you want to grab a coffee next week?' And see how he reacts.

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