Mixed signals- should I just go cold?

[Confusedcactus]

First time poster (but regular reader!), and looking for some advice.

I met a colleague in person for the first time a few months ago, we clicked and got on really well, and have chatted through our internal messaging system most days since.

This had gradually become very flirty, and about 6 weeks ago he asked for my number. Then, about 2 weeks ago, I saw him in the office again (this is rare as mostly work at home). He came over to chat briefly, again obviously flirty, but he seems to come across social, but slightly shy.
That night, he messaged me again, and it was pretty sexual. To the point it surprised me, as it seemed like quite a big jump.

The thing is, he starts these conversations (a few more have been sexual, but always flirty), he'll be immediately back and forth for a few messages, but every single time he just stops replying after a few messages. Every single time.
Then, a few days later, he'll initiate a conversation again. I find it very odd, as it's never at a natural point in the conversation, or ended with 'right, I'm off to do xyz now'.
He's not asked me out, just messages me like this, with seemingly no other intention. He's the one who's sort of 'upped the ante', and I've matched when he has. I do find him attractive and started to quite like him, but it seems he's just not interested.
Would it be reasonable for me at this point to just stop replying to anything he sends personally, and only respond to him within work if it's work-related? I don't know how to play this.

Also I wanted to say that you are well within your rights to block someone who sends you unsolicited sexual messages. If you don't want to go as far as blocking, you could tell him to please stop sending them as they make you uncomfortable/other people look at your phone/it's not very professional/whatever you think is best!

Its weird that he is doing this if he should know better because of his line of work. People are weird!

SORRY I just saw that he sent you intimate photos of himself! You're not even dating; this is definitely not ok!!

I think you should have an answer if he asks you why you've gone cold. No games. Just say you're not into relationships like this and prefer to be in RL relationships.

I think you should have an answer if he asks you why you've gone cold. No games. Just say you're not into relationships like this and prefer to be in RL relationships.

I didn't appreciate your unsolicited dick pics. Please do not contact me again.

What is wrong with these men? I had one from a course leader working to empower single mothers and get them back to work... His job didn't last long.

He’s married.

You have nothing to reproach yourself for, @Confusedcactus thats the first thing to remember.

Some innocent exchanges with a colleague is one thing, he is 100% in the wrong for overstepping the boundaries of decency with what he has done.

You we're not being naive, in hindsight would you have developed the conversations from those initials exchanges? Highly likely not, it sounds like.

my advice is, I would definitely report him for indecent behaviour, which is classed as gross misconduct in the majority of good employers' policy. Get him dealt with. You did nothing wrong, he absolutely did. I'm sure you wouldn't want that perv continuing to walk round your place of employment potentially targetting other women with similar treatment.

if you don't feel you can do that, then that is your prerogative of course, the thing to remember is he was in breach of conduct, you weren't. You were careful not to respond to the inappropriate messages, and you have an audit trail to prove it. Hopefully he'll be crapping himself, in the cold light of day if you did report him.

Yep - he's a tyre kicker.
He probably has a woman already.
Ignore and stop responding to him.

You mention 'internal messaging system'...please be careful, companies have access to all of these things and they are perfectly within their rights to monitor them, I can guarantee your contract will have a clause about misuse of company property and systems and this will come under it, not being preachy, we've all sent personal emails /messages using company equipment and it's not this that bothers them but spending company time sexting might get you both in trouble.

He’s either wanking off, married, or both.

@Confusedcactus confirmed that he asked her for her number after 6 weeks. Clearly, he knew exactly what he was doing, he got things started at work, and then moved onto private mobiles, so his indecent messages / photos took place off the corporate network.

That night, he messaged me again, and it was pretty sexual.

This is where @Confusedcactus could get the book thrown at him by HR or his manager, as she has the audit trail of messages on her private mobile.

That's my interpretation anyway.

So do you think he stopped texting because he came and fell asleep? I was thinking he might have been drunk or off his face on something and passed out.
If you just want a casual fling invite him over for a drink but if you want to date, I'd say forget him.

He's probably got a partner and is using you for his wank bank.

What? Ew!

Until you got there, I thought okay, immature F boy, flirting, cut him off.

But sending you photos of himself?! This is disgusting behaviour. Exchanging numbers doesn't imply consent for this. Text him and tell him he's being grossly inappropriate and then block.

Thank you all for your replies, I needed to hear this!
I should be clear, nothing inappropriate was exchanged over anything internal.

I'll try and have a careful answer in mind as I expect he'll ask why I've suddenly gone quiet. He's been asking me about work queries/ asking work-related favours for a while (things he would clearly already know). So he'll likely be in touch and I suspect he'll address the fact I've not replied to personal messages.

I will keep in mind about reporting him, as he could well be targeting women with bad intentions (and it looks that way). Again I'm conscious of revealing too much and 'outing' myself- but he seems very close to my manager, he's in quite a senior role, and I'm on a professional apprenticeship placement. I know these are all excuses but I know I have to be careful.

So hopefully he gets the message from my lack of response, that I'm not interested in this type of relationship.
Even for a fling, there's certain standards of respect...

I'll try and have a careful answer in mind as I expect he'll ask why I've suddenly gone quiet.
He may well not, as he has to know there'd be a chance of putting you off with the unsolicited dick pics. If he does - no need to be too "careful" , or to put too much thought into appeasing him, or pussy-footing around what he has done.
Make sure, when you respond that you NAME THE BEHAVIOUR.
"I'm blocking you on my private phone because you overstepped the bounds of friendship when you sent me unsolicited sexual images of your body. I am distinctly unimpressed, & request that you keep all communications strictly professional from now on."

Again I'm conscious of revealing too much and 'outing' myself- but he seems very close to my manager, he's in quite a senior role, and I'm on a professional apprenticeship placement. I know these are all excuses but I know I have to be careful.
Which is why you need to name the behaviour in writing, be seen to be disgusted by it, & to have shut it down.

So hopefully he gets the message from my lack of response, that I'm not interested in this type of relationship.
Stop hoping & start acting.

It was naive to have mistaken his messages as flirtation when they were in fact sexual harrassment. That's not a criticism of you btw - it's hardly a crime to assume good intentions from thirs parties - but it's something you need to be aware of in managing this, & in protecting yourself from predatory sleazebags in future.

You need to respond in a manner that - if necessary - ensures you can be SEEN to have conducted yourself professionally.
You also need to give him a hard boundary. Send a message along the lines of the suggestion above. It'll be good practice for you. You have done nothing wrong, & he needs to know that YOU know that - or he may attempt to wrong-foot or undermine you.

This sounds a bit creepy, like he's getting off on it. As nothing seems to be developing tpwards a relatoinship I'd stop replying.

Excellent post @KettrickenSmiled

Do exactly what she says @Confusedcactus

No it’s not the done thing. On line dating can be different but ultimately you have to set the boundaries that you are comfortable with.

my boundaries - no penis photos ( bloody obvious really - if I met a bloke in the pub he wouldn’t get his penis out), no hello babe one liners. Meeting for a coffee on a Saturday lunchtime as soon as possible to wheedle them time wasters out. And I didn’t so sexting but I’m older. Just not my thing.

This is really grotty.

I'm not against dating colleagues - I think work is one of the few places left where you get to know people well as an adult - but I would not be tolerating sexual chat from someone I wasn't officially dating.

You seem very naive and I would imagine he's honed in on this and knows he can push your boundaries. I'd screenshot all the messages (in case he tries to blackmail you or cause trouble at work) and cut off communication.

As he is a senior manager he really has over stepped any professional boundaries.

Honestly I do wonder about men (some). Can you imagine a senior professional woman sending photos of her vulva to a junior apprentice? I would lose my job instantly and be thoroughly ashamed of myself. We have moved on from the 1980s sexist banter in the office and the groping Pervey old men in the office to sending penis photos to colleagues??????

I agree I think that's definitely good advice.

Also @DatingDinosaur I've never heard that saying 'when a guy shows your who he is, believe him', but it's a solid one to remember.

@pixie5121 I suppose that was my thinking really, of course it's wise to tread carefully with any kind of workplace dating, but it seems like one of the only remaining 'natural' ways to get to know someone.
I can see I have definitely been naive, I did think he was possibly just testing the water. I guess now though I've reached the realisation that he is in fact, as PP said, just using me as a free wank bank, which prompted me to start this thread!

I'm feeling confident to shut him down now!

I dated someone from work but it started normally and nicely - after work drinks, dinners, walks by the river, etc. I don't think we ever sexted until about six months in when we'd met each others' friends and families. This guy just sounds like a creep.

I would really strongly advise any woman ( especially one who is young or at the early stages of her career) to avoid dating/ getting involved with a man who is senior to her at work.

And to never EVER date a man who is her line manager, or her bosses boss.

This is a very quick way to lose your job if it doesn’t work out. Of course, this shouldn’t happen but in reality it does, many times. It’s always the junior woman who gets managed out / passes over for promotion / doesn’t have her contract renewed / gets moved to another office / gets poor performance reviews / gets the worst jobs / clients.

Sure, date someone who is on the same level as you, or in another part of a large organisation, someone you never work with.

As the saying goes, “ Don’t shit where you eat “.