What to make of criticism like this?

[EL2022]

Just reading another thread where the OP said her boyfriend was critical of her home and said she needed more stuff in it.

I too was in a relationship (but ex now), where, exactly like above, he sometimes criticised my home, he found it boring to spend time in, I needed more stuff in my kitchen. He also made fun of my car, when driving told me when to overtake etc, made out I didn't like music just because I didn't always know the band etc. Everything he had/ did was always better.

Now, this didn't happen all the time, but looking back on it so I'm more aware in future relationships, I'd be interested in what people would call this.

Interesting. I don’t know what you’d call it but I’ve certainly experienced it. Never had my place critiqued but my taste in music and other things I show an interest or liking for, subtly denigrated and diminished in place of his superior knowledge/taste/preferences.

I’m sure someone will be along with a term for it soon.

Dont know the term but is a massive red flag for abusive and controlling behaviour. They'll break you down piece by piece. Run now.

Sounds like the early signs of domestic abuse to me.

I'd say it's low level emotional abuse. He purposefully made you feel belittled and undermined you.

Urgh, There's nothing worse than an insecure man with a massive ego.

“Urgh, There's nothing worse than an insecure man with a massive ego.”

Indeed, wormy creatures.

Being a twat?

I was told many years ago that some people can only make themselves feel good by rubbishing others.

I don’t know what the behaviour is called, but it’s due to a fragile ego.

It’s definitely a form of self-elevation. Rather than enjoying the reward of achieving something, some people ‘elevate’ themselves by putting others down (and therefore below them) in order to feel bigger and better. It’s an insidious method of assuming superiority and ultimately, priority and control.

Cooking was another issue... constantly praised his. Never commented on mine at all. He used to quiz me about music - who's this band etc. It's only looking back now I was too accepting of this.

Oh I’ve had the music quizzes too! Now I have a fairly eclectic, extensive interest in music. It’s something we bonded over when we met. He consistently used it to Lord over me with quizzes or to bore me to tears with music trivia to display his superiority. As well as picking holes in my taste and knowledge. Sad fuck.

I thought it was called negging. A man says negative things to a woman (or vice versa) to lower their self esteem so they become more grateful for his attention or elevate him in comparison with themselves.

If a partner keeps criticising you all the time or swinging between excessive praise and criticism, don't hang around. They do have fragile egos and will manipulate you in order to make themselves feel better.

Its called being a huge fucking bore.

I went out with someone who kept telling me I was being negative, a classic example was when I said "ooo..,look at those black clouds, looks like we're going to get wet. Needless to say, we didn't last. Don't let any man put you down all the time. If he can't accept you for who you are then you need to get out.

This. I have a 'friend' like this.

And kind of similar have a relative that loves to be right, every single thing you say is corrected because you pronounced it slightly differently or said it in a different way that they're used to saying it.

It has to be exhausting living in a state like that where you are always looking for something to criticise

Small man syndrome, putting a woman down to make himself feel better about his Very Important Penis.

Probably doesn't have much satisfaction in his life. Bog standard job, no fulfilling hobbies or relationships. Thinks the world owes him recognition for being bang average.

Small man syndrome gave me a chuckle as it's so very true!

This is me at the moment 😢 won't let me pick film or music says it's really bad, Chee too loud when I have breakfast and will actually leave the room on purpose 😭 together 12 years and have two children, when I think of these things then I think of good times and feel bad for thinking this way 😭 he is good with money but not anything around our home or the children unless it's to put up on Insta! X

The term I’d use for it is “irritating”.

I believe the unofficial definition of “irritating” is ‘low level annoyance that ends up massively pissing you off after a while and giving you the ick; during the Rose Tinted Spectacles stage of a relationship it is the first signs it isn’t going to work out; also known a Red or Amber Flags, depending on level of irritation felt by the observer/recipient’

Yes my abusive ex did this

The one that hit the hardest was when he told me my bed was terrible

My bed was expensive and luxurious

It was the first thing I bought after my doctorate and I had never had a decent bed until I purchased this one

Madness

Yessssssss

Some people need to push others down to keep themselves afloat.

They are generally hollow and shallow with no internal sense of self - they can only exist by projecting in to others. Know exactly what they are doing although it’s difficult when it’s “little” things that you yourself feel unreasonable to call out as you believe you will sound petty or they come back with some sort plausible deniability defence or a “you’re too sensitive”, “jeez it was just a joke lighten up” etc.

But often these negging micro aggressions are precisely calibrated so that they can get away with it by leaving you confused. The trick is to log each one and see the culmination and accumulation of little digs that are intended to erode you.

My rule of thumb is not to over think it initially but if anything leaves you “confused” or doubting yourself - then that’s enough and needs consciously logging so you are aware for a 2nd time and then you know exactly what’s going on.

Its tedious though - I have had “friends” like this - Elevenerife types - I now move on from them swiftly.

@DatingDinosaur during the Rose Tinted Spectacles stage of a relationship it is the first signs it isn’t going to work out

You're spot on with this, there were things he said that I ignored - eg the first day he met my parents I was dropping them back to the train station, we were all in the car, and even then there was a running commentary on my driving.

@looondonn The one that hit the hardest was when he told me my bed was terrible

Yes, my bed was too small (a standard double) as was my shower.

He told me in front of friends of his one day I wasn't chopping carrots correctly.

Ah yes. It's very liberating when you realise there is more to life than correctly chopped carrots!