He has turned into a monster and I don’t know how to do today

[Brokenpiecs]

I stupidly became pregnant by being reckless with contraception, thinking I was in a relationship for keeps. Had 35th birthday and also felt pressure but mostly really grateful I’d found someone who was a good fit. We talked about kids, marriage, etc. Importance of family. We both got on really well, intimacy was good generally, good sense of humour and fundamentally he has a very responsible job and I felt he was trustworthy and a good man.

as time went on he became what I can only describe as immature. He would lie about small insignificant things that didn’t matter but were strange because of the lie itself. He would always say he missed his family desperately yet rarely go to see them. Then he’d cry that he hasn’t seen them. This is a man now over 40! I would tell him to go and he’d say he just doesn’t have time…yet he did, he just didn’t prioritise it. I was querying ending things and found out I was pregnant.

since then he’s had moments of being supportive and then other moments of immaturity I’ve genuinely never seen in any adult. He drinks a lot so often tipsy in the evening which I find hard so often. He is insincere…sounds silly but he’s put a photo up of us on WhatsApp but changed settings to just have it showing to me. He often photographs things like me randomly to try and see what’s on my phone. He’s quite paranoid. If he doesn’t want to do something he will just sulk. For example it was my dad’s birthday last weekend and the 50 minute journey he was quiet and stoney faced.

He has started to criticise me a bit, comments about my home and it being too sparse/needing more stuff in it.

These behaviours were honestly never something I saw coming. That’s probably massively naive of me as I’d only known him a couple of years but over time I realise now he is unrecognisable to the man I thought I had met.

I don’t know how to stay sane. I really don’t. Last night he turned up completely drunk so I couldn’t even have a conversation with him at all as he was totally out of it. Today we are supposed to be going to look at a car and then go for lunch and call in on my mum on the way back. He will be cold, uninterested, make snide comments. I don’t feel loved or happy. I don’t know what im asking really. Just feel like a fool, nobody in their 30s would get this so wrong.

It sounds like he wants to get out of the situation of becoming a father so his behaviour has reverted to that of a petulant man-child. Obviously women can’t do this but men have a ‘get-out’ if they can wind their partner up and then pretend to themselves/everyone it’s ‘her fault’ as they look so different to others. He’s effectively punishing you.

When the baby comes along, both your lives will be turned upside down. It's a special time, but hugely demanding on relationships. The constant demands of early parenthood quite often intensify unhealthy dynamics in relationships- so if he is sulky and uncommunicative now, it's likely to get worse not better.

If you are going to spend the day with him today- try and view it from the lens of "is this good enough for me and my baby?" If not, find the strength to move towards something better for you both.

I've been bullied at work and the toll it takes on your mental health is horrendous, it slowly erodes over time and takes a long time to get back.

Take action now before it gets even worse. Bullies hate confrontation and being called out. I hope you're able to say something today.

The ACAS helpline is really good for advice.

Argh ignore my comment, no idea how it ended up on this thread sorry

Hi, my first thoughts were that it sounds like there aren't legs to this relationship, it is going to end sooner or later whichever way you look at it.
Even if you put lots and lots of work into trying to make it better there seem to be far too many things that need to change that you won't be able to turn it around forever.
So with that in mind, it would be a more realistic question to ask 'shall I split up with him now or later'.

Are you sharing a property with him now or do you still have the option of staying in your own place?

I wish the posters who hammered this bullshit ‘point’ had not done so. They’ve added to her stress. Take a look at her other thread.

i got it so wrong
Yeah, you did. You got a baby out of it though not sure you thought through
being connected to a stranger for the rest of your life. Or at least the next 18 years.
What matters now is stepping up and being a good role model for your child. That means not being in a shit relationship. Time to put baby first, which I'm sure you can do.

Staying with this horrible man will have a far worse impact on your baby than leaving.

You were mistaken in your partners character, like countless women before you. Your relationship is not salvageable. He will not change. This is who he is.

End this relationship and do not put him on your babies birth certificate. Apply for CM when the time comes. You can do this alone. You will be absolutely fine. My ex husband walked out when our twins were 15 months old. They are now nearly four and are happy, healthy children who want for nothing. I am glad their father is not around tbh because he would have been a negative influence on them. Yes I sometimes feel sad they have no dad, but better no dad than a shit one.

You can do this op. Don't let this horrible an spoil your life or your babies.

Oh and I call bullshit on stress in the womb affecting attachment. I was stressed to bits during my pregnancy. I moved house, was seriously ill with hypermesis and relationship problems. My DC adore me and vice versa.

I can certainly see the many good reasons for not wanting to continue in a relationship with him.

But seriously, this is your idea of a "monster"? 😲

I wouldn't question the OP on his potential to turn dangerous. She likely feels it simmering under the surface, hence her stress.

Have you posted about him before, OP? If not, be reassured that you’re not the only woman in this predicament, and it’s not your fault.

Don’t stay in this relationship. You’ll be tied to him through your child and parenting, but you don’t need to be in a relationship with him.

This. Big time. Cut your losses.

^Babies pick up stress in the womb and it can change their attachment to you.^

There speaks a first worlder!!

Given about 25% of pregnancies are unplanned and most people don't live perfect lives, I think there would be a lot of affected babies if this was true. It's bollocks of course. The human race keeps on in spite of the fact that we all experience all sorts of stresses daily pregnant or not.

So someone who could potentially turn into a monster at some unspecified time in the future then . . .

@GrendelsGrandma
Suggesting termination when someone is 5.5 months pregnant with a wanted baby is ridiculous.

Your mocking tone is troubling.

Firstly, you need to stop blaming yourself, because you are not responsible for his behaviour; and what’s done is done.
now, look at your baby and get them away from this person.

He did and said all the right things to hook you in and as soon as he knew he’d caught you, he dropped the facade.

he is an alcoholic, nothing you say or do will change this. You do not want your child growing up around this. Nor do you want them to grow up around his mood swings, paranoia and what seems to be emerging controlling behaviour.

its bloody hard at first, but in the long run it’s so much easier.
being a single parent alone is better, than being a ‘single parent’ in a relationship.

@Brokenpiecs please ignore suggestions that you are damaging your baby. When I was pregnant I was horribly upset about my best friend dying and was told by 2 seperate doctors that stress levels had to be so high to damage babies that would only be possible in extremely mentally ill women. You are not harming your baby. But he is harming your wellbeing and you have to protect that for your future newborn will thrive in a happy home.

is this real?? I have been stressed insanely so throughout. Will it really impact my attachment?

@Brokenpiecs No. As far as I know there's not actually any substantial evidence that stress during pregnancy causes any damage to anything at all.

Which isn't to say you shouldn't bin this lame arse ASAP.

You will have your lovely LO, bond greatly and they will be fine. They won't miss having him around. x

Remember op even not on the bc he still is liable for Cms. He doesn't get to bow out financially...