He has turned into a monster and I don’t know how to do today

[Brokenpiecs]

I stupidly became pregnant by being reckless with contraception, thinking I was in a relationship for keeps. Had 35th birthday and also felt pressure but mostly really grateful I’d found someone who was a good fit. We talked about kids, marriage, etc. Importance of family. We both got on really well, intimacy was good generally, good sense of humour and fundamentally he has a very responsible job and I felt he was trustworthy and a good man.

as time went on he became what I can only describe as immature. He would lie about small insignificant things that didn’t matter but were strange because of the lie itself. He would always say he missed his family desperately yet rarely go to see them. Then he’d cry that he hasn’t seen them. This is a man now over 40! I would tell him to go and he’d say he just doesn’t have time…yet he did, he just didn’t prioritise it. I was querying ending things and found out I was pregnant.

since then he’s had moments of being supportive and then other moments of immaturity I’ve genuinely never seen in any adult. He drinks a lot so often tipsy in the evening which I find hard so often. He is insincere…sounds silly but he’s put a photo up of us on WhatsApp but changed settings to just have it showing to me. He often photographs things like me randomly to try and see what’s on my phone. He’s quite paranoid. If he doesn’t want to do something he will just sulk. For example it was my dad’s birthday last weekend and the 50 minute journey he was quiet and stoney faced.

He has started to criticise me a bit, comments about my home and it being too sparse/needing more stuff in it.

These behaviours were honestly never something I saw coming. That’s probably massively naive of me as I’d only known him a couple of years but over time I realise now he is unrecognisable to the man I thought I had met.

I don’t know how to stay sane. I really don’t. Last night he turned up completely drunk so I couldn’t even have a conversation with him at all as he was totally out of it. Today we are supposed to be going to look at a car and then go for lunch and call in on my mum on the way back. He will be cold, uninterested, make snide comments. I don’t feel loved or happy. I don’t know what im asking really. Just feel like a fool, nobody in their 30s would get this so wrong.

Your baby will be much happier with a calm and happy mum rather than a mum who is as unhappy as you currently are.

It may not be easy doing it alone but I suspect you won’t get any practical support from him anyway.

So your choice is to do it alone in a calm environment with nobody pulling you down and no atmosphere or doing it alone with a dead weight along for the ride.

Why are you still seeing him at 10 when you feel this way?

It's a really hard situation, but the relationship is dead by the sounds of it.

Your options are:

1. Have a termination. You would probably not forgive him for this, end of relationship
2. Have the baby and stay with him. Babies put huge strain on relationships. He'd likely be a nightmare and you'd break up quite soon, having all been stressed in the meantime
3. You have the baby and go it alone, he can join in if he wants but not within the relationship

Find support from people who aren't him. Have you got family around?

Just do today without him. Cancel now.

Then take the day to do what you want to do and figure out what you're going to say to him to end things.

Certainly don't buy a car with him!

It's the 2020s, not the 1820s. You can walk away from this man and create a happy, loving family on your own. You will not get it with him. Ever.

Good grief, stop stressing and do something!

Text him and say he is no longer welcome today.

And then set about ending things completely, having a happy remainder of your pregnancy, and a wonderful life with your baby.

(And also - please drop this ridiculous assumption that you have let the baby down because the sperm came from a complete arse. Do you really believe that a single mother is a bad mother? Or that children of single parents are doomed? You need - kindly, because you're obviously stressed - a good hard mental shake. Wallowing is ridiculous. You are going to be a parent. Man up and start doing the right thing both for you and the baby.)

Why don’t you cancel him coming today and do it all by yourself instead. Have fun, see your mum, see a friend, have a long bath or do whatever makes you happy. You can think about the annoying one tomorrow and decide what sort of days you want going forward. Your life, your choice, your adventure.

I know I should cancel

i am clinging on to the hope I had that we would be happy. But it is impossible with him. I am just scared I think. Pretty pathetic.

Nothing needs to be decided today. Take some time.

Being under extreme stress eg war zone can impact in your baby.

It sounds like your ‘d’ p is doing the classic abuse starting in pregnancy. Why do you need to see him at 10 today. Just message him saying you are unwell and are going back to bed.

Having a child WITH this man would be way worse than WITHOUT him. You and the child would be on tenterhooks the whole time - that would be an awful thing to do to a child.

Raising a child yourself you can model emotional literacy, self-regard, how and why not to tolerate a crap “partner”.

is this real?? I have been stressed insanely so throughout
will it really impact my attachment?
No, it's not real and no attachment won't be affected.

Dump him

Block him

If he comes near you report you police
He's an abuser

He will get worse

When I tried to leave my abuser who sounds so so very similar he started to talk about how we should have a baby
He wouldn't let me say no

It ended very badly

Please get him out asap
Lock on the door changed

Everything you can possibly do xxxxxxxx

No stress will not affect your baby’s attachment. Whoever wrote that should be ashamed of themselves. In extreme stress such as fleeing war stress sometimes can affect babies. This kind of stress categorically doesn’t.

so ignore that. Leave the idiot. You’ll be much happier. Baby will be fine with a loving caring mum. Have a look at Frolo which supports single parents - lots of women in your situation on there

And number 1 - don’t feel guilty. You didn’t know it is was it is. Life’s not always perfect but we make it the best it can be!

Will he attempt to cause problems for you if you leave him? If so make sure you have people around you and protect yourself.

You didn't get it so wrong

They fool us

He is.Now showing his true colours

A few things. Don't worry about the effect of stress on your baby. I lost my dad whilst I was pregnant, tbh I can't imagine being more distraught than watching him suffer for months and then die; then grieving and worried sick about my mum. Clearly, wasnt the pregnancy I dreamed of. I had no attachment issues and the miracle that was the arrival of my DD gave me a reason to be strong, to pick myself up and carry on. We are exceptionally close and she has suffered no ill effects. Prolonged severe stress CAN make your baby be slightly underweight or even premature, but unlikely to be noticeable.

Next - you seem to be somehow blaming yourself for falling pregnant with a man who seemed great and told you he wanted kids within a year. Meant kindly - but that's irrational. You really must not feel like you have made a mistake.

I would have a serious chat with him along the lines: "a year ago we were getting on well. You have clearly stated in the past you want children with me. This pregnancy was unplanned but I had no reason to think it would not please you. However your recent behaviour has been immature and unpleasant and the impact on me whilst I'm trying to cope with pregnancy, is unbearable. I have decided I don't want to involve myself further with this relationship as it's not working for me. I will have the baby and raise my child as a single parent. In time, if you wish to be involved in your child's life, we can discuss arrangements. But for my sake and my baby's, I don't want to tolerate your poor behaviour towards me any longer. I want to focus on being ready for my baby's arrival, which should be something challenging but exciting for me. I deserve not to have a shadow over that experience."

He sounds almost identical to my ex and I sound almost identical to you and your situation. My ex became a full blown alcoholic which was a living nightmare (for me, as he barely remembers it) his emotional immaturity, sulking and jibes were at complete odds to the high flying, high earning, very professional person I had known for five years before getting together. FF 20 odd years and two children, I am single and feel so much better for splitting. He moved on very quickly and is remarried. Anyway, my advice to you is get out and do it now not later. Your image of the happy family is unlikely to happen, no matter how many times you sit down and talk with him. Set yourself free before you are truly trapped, I speak from experience almost identical to yours.

I am not ashamed of myself so don't tell me to be.

Yes stress does impact attachment. That's not bullshit or meant to scare the OP. It does mean now you know this you can do something about it OP.

Also stop blaming yourself. You did not bring this upon yourself, he lied about who he was as a person. Now you know who he is. It's not you, it's him. Concentrate on creating a lovely future.

You've posted about him before, haven't you? I remember the crying about not seeing his family but not doing anything about it.

I think I suggested then that he is an alcoholic and you would need to leave. I'm sorry he's got even worse. I really hope you have found a way to put him off today.

Echoing what most have said. Dump him, block him for the time being and move on with your child. I did it 8 yrs ago and its been wonderful, no outside stress whatsoever. I will say...keep the window of communication open because the child might want to know something of him when they're older. My DD goes through phases of asking about him. I just hand her the phone and they talk for a bit and thats it for the year😬

Oh OP I could have written this when I fell pregnant, unplanned, with my DP, except I wouldn’t have written it because I was so busy pretending that everything was fine. I was 27, he was 35, and we’d been seeing each other for about a year. He owned his own home, ran his own business, had a good relationship with his parents, was funny, outgoing, sparky, confident… everything I thought was positive.

DS was not planned, but I was over the moon because I thought it was just a happy accident with my boyfriend. 6 years on, DP is moody, unreliable, arrogant. During the winter he is vile to me, exactly how you said it - unresponsive and stoned faced yet knows when he’s in public he has to behave normally, which is almost worse because as soon as he’s back in the car he reverts to being mean.

Vefore DS was born, I had my own ,rented, accommodation with a friend, close to where I worked in my dream job. I was in a good career and I was happy. I gave up my home and gave up my job eventually, because DP struggled to be a good father to a baby and got quite ill, mentally. I’m only now coming to tge realisation that I should never have moved in with him and should have gone it alone.

The baby years are beautiful but hard. Don’t wait until the baby is born to end it, because you’ll be too busy and too invested and too emotional to do it. Please get out now, I would have been so much happier in myself if I’d have raised DS on my own. Please don’t waste your life like I have.

100% what @WhatsInAMolatovMocktail said.

I do worry that particularly given these behaviours have started during pregnancy they may escalate as the pregnancy continues, what you describe as immature behaviours actually sound to me like someone who is trying to control you. He is trying to get you to modify your behaviours and choices by behaving in this way.

Please ignore irresponsible posters who make connections between stress and attachment, absolutely incorrectly. I will say though that if you remain in this relationship with him and he continues to behave this way towards you when your baby arrives (or potentially escalates his behaviours) that this could have an impact on your child. If you are stressed, anxious, upset because of your relationship it can affect your ability to be emotionally available to your child and your child can grow up having a toxic relationship modelled for them (I use can/could throughout - nothing is inevitable).

I hope you've taken the advice earlier and cancelled today and that you seek some real life advice and support to help you move to a happier & safer space for you and your baby.

Talk to someone close to you so they know the situation but I would go all be for this pregnancy. Be safe and all will work out well for you. You will be tormented living like this.

Please let us know how today goes. You can find the strength to end this and i'm sure you will only relief when it's done. Definitely give baby your surname and do not put him on the birth certificate. Good luck.