Father's day for awful fathers

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Everyone is supposed to push the boat out for him on father's day. I avoid him all year, he was a terrible violent man to me not to his own children. I send a card purely so as not to upset his children who don't know what happened. Id never tell them out of love for them it would ruin their lives.
All cards in the shops best dad in the world, to my daddy etc etc its sick making. I usually just get a comedy one to avoid all the best dad crap and stick a generic happy fathers day in it then get castigated for not sending a gift, balloons and sundry crap.
I hate this time of year.

You don’t have to send a card, you know. I’d go with whatever they made at school instead.

I do my own Mother’s Day with my kids. Sure there’s no ‘surprise’ but it can still be lovely.

Unless your DC are very young, I'd loose them with a small budget somewhere like Poundland and let them choose (I also do this for teachers end of term gifts). Then if he whines, you can say 'That's a shame, DC chose it specially'

If too young for this, then handmade card

I'm in my 60s I'm talking about my own stepfather. Sorry didn't make it clear. I'd ditch him in an instant but my half siblings have no idea what an evil monster he is and I can never tell them. They would be destroyed.

I never celebrated fathers day with my step father, happily celebrated his birthday but he's not my father. My own father, i could never in truth give him a "number 1" or "best dad" type thing. I don't even send cards. I just ring or message him on the day. He made irreparable mistakes, but he's a good guy now so i think I'm less conflicted than you.

How would they be affected by you not sending a card? Would they even know?

I haven't sent a card to my dad in a decade, a doubt anyone else would really notice, but there's no way I would send one in your situation.

You’re taking too much upon yourself. You are presumably all adults? You don’t need to protect other adults at a detriment to yourself. However assuming that it is also helpful to your well-being not to rock the boat, I’ve found the best way of gift giving to the unworthy is something like - generic card from moonpig with one of their add on gift options, direct order from Amazon to their address. Basically as little effort and thought on your part as possible - go on your computer, a few clicks, forget all about it.

I don't understand that, as a woman in her 60s, you feel compelled to send an abusive man ( to you ) a card on Father's Day.
Have you spoken to anyone in real life about what you suffered ?
Is your mother still alive ?
Did she know what was going on ?

I don’t understand either. Surely your half siblings are middle aged adults?

just don’t send a card at all.

I think the whole parent day thing is ridiculous. Why celebrate something for one day then revert to bitching afterwards. Surely if the relationship is appropriate you should appreciate your parents throughout the year not just for one day. Remind them that they are valued at various times. A token gesture once a year that piles on pressure for both sides is pointless other than putting money in the tills. If your father/mother or step parent treats you badly why bother acknowledging them!

Just don't send a card. If they ask tell them why. They are adults by the sounds of it.

Consider not keeping his abuse a secret

Abuse thrives on secrecy; keeping this a secret from them does not help you or even them for that matter. They should know the truth here.

Don't bother with a card at all. The siblings should know how he treated you, and I'd be very surprised if they didn't have an inkling.

I used to have a similar problem with Mother’s Day. The text inside the card was at odds with my feelings.

I used to buy my mother just a regular blank card, either with a beautiful landscape/trees/flowers or an animal, and then just write the minimum inside.

How would they know if you sent a card or not? Is it them or him telling you off for not sending a gift?
surely if he’s abusive the kindest thing is to tell them in case they are also hiding the same thing from you/protecting their kids.
you owe him nothing. Don’t let his evil be your shame it’s his to hide not his.
although I understand for self preservation it’s easier to not say anything.
just reduce contact and don’t send a card. If they ask tell them why

What on earth has it got to do with them?

They seem extremely nosey and interfering. Flying monkeys, are they?

How old is he, btw?

This was what I was trying to say!

I'm so sorry you went through that, OP, and still have to keep a lid on the truth.

Are you very close to your half siblings? Do you have a lot of contact with them?

What kind of real life support have you had, do you have anyone at all you can talk to about it?

Yes I love my half siblings very much and we are always in touch. My mother knew what went on and didn't do anything. Now they would very much like to pretend nothing happened.
I didn't send a card one year and my "parents" made a big drama about it to my siblings who thought I was just being mean minded and awful.
I grit my teeth and just do it in the certain knowledge that they will be dead before many years, my siblings will still have their happy childhood memories and I can move on.
I do it for my love of them and only that.
But I moved away some years ago, too far to travel to go back there and visit.
They were only babies and I moved out before they have any solid memories.

Say it must have got lost in the post.

The thread has nothing to do with a piece of paper, but your trauma and choice to protect the abuser. You need therapy and stop destroying yourself to keep the mans secrets for him. My father is a nonce, I don’t keep that secret for him.

I'm so sorry. What a difficult situation, and so unfair for you.

You definitely deserve someone you can talk to about it, preferably a skilled therapist. Do you have anyone you can turn to at all?

What a horrible situation for you. But I don't see why your siblings' feelings are more important than your own. You don't have to tell them what happened if you don't want to, but you have every right not to send this awful man a card. If they want to know why, be as vague as possible.

I’d play devils advocate and post the card late. Say posted it and he should’ve got it. See their reaction. That’ll tell you all you need to know.

That must hurt. I couldn’t do it, wouldn’t even waste the energy to spit on their graves. ( even if I knew where they’re buried)
Can you get the cheapest blank card and just write in it To Z from shehasdiamondinthesky ?
Do something nice for yourself on FD.. Cream tea, ice cream, bottle of Prosecco , whatever floats your boat.