Need a hand hold.

[MerchSwyddEfrog]

My dh appears to have left and I had no clue. The first thing I knew was when I heard the door slam this evening. I gave him a call to find out where he was and he didn’t answer then sent me a text saying the following.

I’m not right, was about to explode or have some kind of breakdown, not in front of the children so had to get out. I’ve booked into a b&b. We’ll talk tomorrow.

Ive asked him what’s going on but had no response. I’ve been upstairs and loads of clothes have gone. I feel sick. My ds finished his exams yesterday. All I can think is that he planned this. He must have packed whilst I was out food shopping.
He was acting a bit weird earlier when I went in his study, he was standing staining into space and when I asked if he was ok he said he was just thinking. He also went out for a long walk last night so wonder if he’s met someone else. We’ve been married for 20 years. Together for nearly 30 years. We’ve been through a lot and thought we were ok.

what the hell am I going to do? I don’t work and haven’t for years.
I feel sick. Kids are asking where he is.

That must be awful for you.

Has anything like this ever happened or did you notice anything strange with his mental health/behaviour etc.

How old are the kids, can they be put to bed with a simple explanation for now while you work things out or will they want to know more?

Someone will be along with better advice I am sure x

Your head must be all over the place. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I don't have any amazing advice, just try to get through tonight (I realise easier said than done) - do you have a friend you can call? Hopefully tomorrow you'll get some answers.

Thinking of you. x

My ds is 17 and dd is 10 but she’s quite young for her age. I’ve just lied to her and said he’s gone out with friends. I’ve asked ds if dad had said anything to him but he said no. I haven’t told him.
it’s the fact my husband has taken loads of stuff, his computer and gym gear etc and clothes that really worries me.
My dh has seamed distant recently but I never expected this. We both have shit fathers and we always said we wouldn’t screw up our kids.

All I can think is that he’s planned this. I feel so sick.

Has he been going for lots of walks recently?

Yes he has. He’s been going to the gym too.

Has anyone had any experience of this?

Golly what a shit thing for him to do! And a shit thing for you to go through. It does sound like there may be an OW in the frame - I hope I am wrong, but it certainly seems planned. Get through tonight and talk tomorrow - I really hope you get some answers, he owes you that at least.

Do you have joint accounts? Check the bank account now, right now, and transfer enough money out so that you have enough for you and the kids for the forseeable future. I've come across enough men, my own father included, who cleared out the bank accounts when they left, leaving their wife and kids with nothing.
Get all the financial info you can copied and change your passwords.
Sounds like he planned all this, and he's not being honest with you.

I agree with moving your money from a joint account and it sounds like he's a lying cunt.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

What a bastard. My now exH disappeared and dds were asking where he is and I didn't know. We'd just lost a close family member to cancer and exH didn't give a shit. People can be so selfish. It sounds to me like there's an OW. It's got the tell-tale signs all over it. That distant thing is guilt but not guilty enough to stop him disappearing off.
You've had some good advice here regarding finances and getting documents together. The sickness will wear off and be replaced with anger. The anger will help get you through. I'm sorry you are going through this

Move every penny you can right now from any joint access accounts.

Freeze/cancel all cards too and request a new one for yourself - Call the bank/s now and report them all lost.

Change email passwords and security backup emails/phone numbers.

Change the yale lock on the front door tomorrow.

Check out 'the script' and wait for him to start using it. Call him out every step of the way. Don't believe a word he says.

There absolutely will be an OW.

I can’t believe this. I don’t have access to the joint accounts unfortunately. I don’t know what he’s playing at. Our ds has had problems with mental health and this will really badly affect him. Our dd adores him. I really hope you are all wrong. I’ve been talking to my sister and she can’t believe it either. She told me to leave him and not send any more messages. I’ve also turned off find my phone so he doesn’t know where I am.

Sorry you’re going through this OP, it’s shit isn’t it? Men are shit. I agree with the others, almost certainly an affair. I’ve just been through the same (I found out while they were away together, rather than him walking out but still).

If you don’t work and have no access to accounts how do you live? Does he give you an allowance or something? I think in that situation I would see a lawyer asap to sort out your options and entitlements.

Start planning how you are going to deal with all the practical stuff.
Is there a mortgage, how are you going to pay the bills, put food on the table etc.?
What financial support can you get?
start looking for work.
Get all paperwork sorted, bank accounts, pension, passports etc.
I am sure someone has a list of things to go.
Try to eat and drink something.

Can you deal with the practical things to try and divert your thoughts. Are you ok financially, can you get access to the joint account etc.

If he's taken computers etc, this isn't a one night in a b&b, I think you're right, he's planned this.

Good that you turned your phone off. Don't give him Satisfaction of calling him. What a prick to act like this to you you've spent 30 years together. He has no respect, I am angry on your behalf.

How come you have no access to joint accounts? You absolutely should.

I have access to joint account but not online banking. This can be sorted with the bank I’m sure. I have a joint credit card I use. I will need to get a job but there is no way I could pay for the house. He’s a high earner and I’ve looked after the kids and house. I’m on the mortgage .
He was supposed to take my dd to a club this evening but said it was cancelled. Makes me wonder about that too, was he lying?
my dd is expecting him home tonight, I don’t know what to say to her.

I can’t sleep and my heart is pounding.

Hugs OP. This must be so upsetting for you.

Unfortunately it does sound like he has planned this. That’s an awful lot of stuff to take to a BnB. What a cowardly prick.

I agree that it does sound suspiciously like a OW.

Your priority needs to be protecting yourself and your DC.
You will get through this. If you can’t sleep then try a hot sweet tea and a easy listening podcast or music.
I know you want to protect the DC but don’t do that to your own detriment. 💐☕️

Not had much sleep, I’ve got a feeling of dread.
some of his family are visiting the week after next. I bet he’s forgotten.

Thinking of you OP, hope it's temporary but stay calm. He doesn't get to walk out on you and the children without considering the consequences, especially if your DS has mental health challenges. You deserve more.
Try and eat something and get friends or family in to support you. Perhaps also Google chumplady and spousal abandonment when you feel strong enough.
You are not alone and you will get through this 💐

sorry he is doing this to you.
it's a very cruel thing to do, as he had time to think and plan and simply leaves you in the unknown.

Don't worry about things like his family visiting,
just focus on the most important stuff for now.
A pp summt it up so perfectly:

"Move every penny you can right now from any joint access accounts.

Freeze/cancel all cards too and request a new one for yourself - Call the bank/s now and report them all lost.

Change email passwords and security backup emails/phone numbers.

Change the yale lock on the front door tomorrow.

Check out 'the script' and wait for him to start using it. Call him out every step of the way. Don't believe a word he says.

There absolutely will be an OW."

I think this is good advice.

I hope you get answers today OP.

Even if there's someone else, be practical before you blow up.
Make sure the kids will be financially sound.
Then make sure they're emotionally ok.
It's going to be really difficult but you can do it.

Fingers crossed he's just having a midlife crisis and there is no OW. If he's been planning for a while he'll hopefully have planned how to minimise the impact on you and the children.

Put your own oxygen mask on first. Don't worry about the kids clubs and family visiting etc. Breathe and prepare yourself mentally for separation and possible infidelity.
The end of your sons exams is quite telling, it does sound like he has this all worked out. Let's see what he has to say later.

I know this may sound like a strange thing to say but try to make it as easy as possible for him to speak, even if you're fuming and screaming inside, let him get it out, so you know from that first conversation exactly where you stand. So much better for the healing process.

Sending strength