Need a hand hold.

[MerchSwyddEfrog]

My dh appears to have left and I had no clue. The first thing I knew was when I heard the door slam this evening. I gave him a call to find out where he was and he didn’t answer then sent me a text saying the following.

I’m not right, was about to explode or have some kind of breakdown, not in front of the children so had to get out. I’ve booked into a b&b. We’ll talk tomorrow.

Ive asked him what’s going on but had no response. I’ve been upstairs and loads of clothes have gone. I feel sick. My ds finished his exams yesterday. All I can think is that he planned this. He must have packed whilst I was out food shopping.
He was acting a bit weird earlier when I went in his study, he was standing staining into space and when I asked if he was ok he said he was just thinking. He also went out for a long walk last night so wonder if he’s met someone else. We’ve been married for 20 years. Together for nearly 30 years. We’ve been through a lot and thought we were ok.

what the hell am I going to do? I don’t work and haven’t for years.
I feel sick. Kids are asking where he is.

I wouldn't change the locks. He's joint owner of the property.

I would transfer half the money in the joint accounts to your personal account. And book a free 30 minutes with a few local solicitors.

Hes either having a mid life wobble or an affair

He says he's going to talk to you today. Stay calm and try not to do the pick me dance

Hope you managed some sleep op, you're getting excellent advice here, I have seen this exact scenario play out , down to the child's last exam , going to the gym ect.
Please look at Chumplady.

Sadly, this is the 100% scrpt for having an OW.
The gym, the walks, the distance.
He has planned this to the day. Just after Dc exams.
Leaving when you are out
He will deny it, he will say you have grown apart, he is unhappy.
You remain calm, you say, the very least you owe your family is the truth.
He hasn't even had the courage to face you & say he has an OW.
He will lie.
Dont get hysterical, it will only make him run further

He knows where you are though. At home with the kids. My ex left when I went shopping. Went off to Find Himself. Yes, to find a new girlfriend no less. God I wish I had had Mumsnet all those years ago. I would be so much better off now.
Heed the good advice, wait for the Script because it's coming

Good luck mate

We haven’t been arguing so really don’t get this. He’s been working a lot lately and seems stressed. He hasn’t taken much holiday and I’ve asked him to take some. He works from home most of the time so I can see how hard he works. He does get moody a lot and has throughout our relationship.
I won’t do the pick me dance if there is someone else. I don’t deserve this.

It does sound like another woman.

Stay calm. Tell him he owes you the truth. Then get practical.

You need a solicitor. You need a job. The kids will be fine because your going to make sure of it. Now is not the time to fall apart.

If it is another woman, I guarantee it won't work out and he'll be begging to come back. Don't play the pick me dance. Let him see what he's missing.

Sending you a hand hold and a big hug for whatever today brings.

As he has taken a lot of his stuff, make a plan today to get your own bank account, if you don't have one, and transfer money from the joint account to yours so you and the kids can be taken care of. First thing Monday book in with a family solicitor so you can have an idea of how to proceed should it all break down. A lot of solicitors give a free first 30 minutes meeting.

So sorry op, hug. What a cruel thing to do, not only to you but to your DC. What a coward, to be sneaking off and planning this. He must have a place that he took all his equipment too. If you can't access the joint account then how do you know he hasn't taken a lease somewhere else.

My Dad did this to my Mum. There was an OW. It's very rare for a man to leave a domestic situation where he's looked after to be on their own.

I'm so sorry, OP. Just focus on getting through this hour by hour - you'll get through this and come out stronger.

Its not about any argueing. Its about having met someone new, who flatters his ego, gives him the excitement of a new beginning, his younger self.
Home is monotony, no sparkle, responsibility & has been

I feel sick for you. I second getting on chump lady, and read 'the script'.

This is absolutely text book for an affair.

Honestly, you're in shock now but you will find your anger. Don't allow him to gas light you, knowledge is power right now, read as much as you can do he doesn't blind you with nonsense. Don't trust a word that he says, you're not dealing with the man you knew right now.

Self care first, please eat, stay hydrated, take care of yourself. You do have a rocky time ahead. The practical advice above is excellent.

I'm so so sorry. None of this is you and your relationship. He's just a selfish, entitled a'hole! Even if and that's a huge if, it was some kind of crisis how bloody dare he deal with it by putting you through the night you've just had!

Huge hug!

Sorry you’re going through this- I’ve been where you are and it’s awful. Saying that I advise the following.. first write a list of things that need doing. I would start with contacting the bank for online access to the joint account. Don’t bother changing the locks, he has rights to access and you’ll just be wasting your money.
ring round solicitors, some will offer free 15 minutes advice sessions- book in and set yourself some time to think of any practical questions you want to ask.
As for him- as tempting as it is to chase and ask questions- don’t! He’s done this and all he will do is come up with some lame reason and place the blame on YOU - because that’s the default position Men use when they cheat!
sending you lots of strength

Hi, my heart breaks for you. I unfortunately had this done to me 8 years ago. My ex worked away a lot and our relationship had changed to parenting only. I had a 4 Yr old and 7 year old at the time.
Everyone is different but this is what I did.
Got in touch with women's aid.
Write a list of practical things you need to deal with. Then you can deal with them one by one as you must be free falling mentally just now.
Call citizens advice if you have no access to funds; sounds callous but being able to feed your kids and yourself just now and create a new 'normal' is paramount.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
This is your partner not facing his responsibilities and trying to run away from them. But you are strong. I promise you.
Talk to your friends. Don't hold it in. I told my kids the truth after a few days but waited until I was no longer in shock.
you can do this! Truth is, your life going forward won't be with a man who puts himself first........so life will get better and simpler.
My ex had someone else. That didn't hurt as much as his behaviour.
But please try to deal with practical things ASAP so you can care for your children and start looking forward.
I know you are hurt but you are also in shock I would imagine.
I got my ex to sign over full custody of our kids. Not to stop him seeing them, I never would do that as he is their dad....but to ensure stability and to ensure going forward was planned and manageable for us all. It meant there were boundaries too. Initially I thought he would kick off...but he didn't....he agreed straight away. Told me all I needed to know.
You've got this!
I promise.
Thinking of you xxx