Slowly reaching the end of my rope with DH

[holymolyholly]

That's it really.

Whenever I need to raise a relationship issue it always turned in an argument with either it being me misunderstanding, or the conversations didn't happen as I remember.

I'm not saying I'm always right but I do feel that a lot of the time I have a valid point. However that's just never recognised. My points are just taken as me complaining or criticising him.

Any conversation ends with him saying his POV and feelings are being disregarded and that I'm "fighting my corner at any cost"

So I'm supposed to listen to him without comment, without any opportunity for me to out my side across because if I do I'm not listening, and I'm disregarding his feelings, or fighting my corner.

Also a lot of telling me I'm being aggressive and angry when he's the one who's clearly agitated and/or with a raised voice.

I'm getting heartily sick of never being able to discuss even the most minor thing without much thought on how to approach it and wondering what the reaction will be.

He's slowly killing my love for him, and where once I never wanted to split, I now look at other divorcees with kids the same age as mine and think you're so lucky

My ex was exactly like this and it was absolutely impossible to discuss anything without a pity party for him. Even if I wanted to discuss something that didn’t really concern him, he would turn it onto himself and dismiss my feelings.

I actually think looking back it was pretty abusive. I wasn’t allowed to express myself without being cajoled and told I was all these awful things. I’m sure there’s a term for people like that? It was like constantly having to consider what I say or risk upsetting him. He even got angry at me for refusing sex etc. I hope I’m not sharing that out of turn - I just want to show I can relate to what you’re saying.

It must be absolutely exhausting having everything so one sided. Sometimes we need support to and a marriage should facilitate that. It doesn’t sound like a great environment for your kids.

I left an NEVER looked back. It felt like a weight had been lifted.

A relationship can only be judged on how it deals with conflict.

Have you talked to him about it when you're both calm? 'How do you feel about our conflict resolution style, as a couple?'

How often do you need to raise a relationship issue in the first place? i.e. is the problem just his reaction to this, or do you have a lot of issues going on?

It just feels like an uphill battle and has done for some time.

Any conflict is never resolved satisfactorily and then resentment festers.

I've been seeing a therapist and looking at myself in general and I'm an anxious attachment person, and a people pleaser.

But after working with my therapist in beginning very tentatively to get fed up of this shit basically.

Any argument I would go straight in to fawn mode and it would always be me trying to resolve the problems. Driving any positive changes, marriage counselling etc. I arranged and booked.

I'm starting to step back now and see what happens without me pushing forward all the time.

I still find these conflicts very difficult to take though. The unnecessary hostility around what could be a simple over and done with conversation

I try to let any small stuff slide now. I'm not saying he's terrible and I've been perfect. There have definitely been plenty of occasions where I've been wrong. But the fact that I will admit that is where we are so different.

I'd say 90% of comments from me are met with what I described in my OP. regardless of subject or frequency. It's utterly exhausting

You don't have to live like this. At this point, you're choosing to. What a miserable existence.

What’s stopping you splitting up? It’s not compulsory to stay with someone if you no longer love them.

Like most people on this situation it's not all bad all the time. We can go for months and be fine but this is a core issue in our relationship. When there's a problem this is what happens.

Leaving is obviously a resolution for this issue but realistically I'm not in a position to do that currently.

Also a lot of telling me I'm being aggressive and angry when he's the one who's clearly agitated and/or with a raised voice.

I get this from DH. It is horrible and you have my sympathy! It takes its toll.

The behaviour you describe is not appropriate when in a marraige. Both people should know when to compromise, to say sorry and to openly talk about things. Sounds like your DH does neither. If I were you I’d reconsider your relationship. Personally DC or not with a DH like that I’d rather raise my DC alone.

I have had the same for years and today was the last straw for me. Even when I told muttered I hate you (it spilled out, which I do feel bad about but there's only so long of being talked to like a child...) he was less interested in why that was and more into using that to justify why his whole life isn't where he wants it to be (apparently my business is failing because I'm doing it to spite him). My feelings have been ignored for years but I think it was possible to live separate lives together before having DC. Since then it's been way worse as we also emigrated and started working on a project together, which basically spelled the beginning of the end because I have never worked with anyone so rude and unkind.

The back story is to say... if this is how you feel now expect it to get worse. Your perspective has changed and you are starting to see the light, that's all. If he doesn't see a problem enough to initiate any changes in himself (for the benefit of your relationship) you'll just be where I am a few years from now.

Keep seeing your therapist, get clear about your feelings and strengths. Observe... and get ready to go.

holymolyholly

Abusive people are not nasty all the time otherwise no-one would want to be with them. Their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is however, a continuous one. Look up the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. I would also think he does not behave at all like this around his work colleagues or anyone else in the outside world. Men like this HATE women, all of them.

Stonewalling you like he is doing here is abusive behaviour. This man wants to train you to be always quiet and subserviant. His actions here are about wanting power and control over you.

Continuing to push your own needs to the side makes it harder to acknowledge them. Eventually, you might not even feel sure about what you want or how to be true to yourself. You also may not be able to voice the feelings you are aware of, even when you want to speak up for yourself. For example, you might avoid telling your partner they made you feel bad, thinking something like, “They didn’t mean it, so if I say something, I’ll only hurt their feelings.” But this denies the key fact of the situation: They hurt your feelings.

What factors here are currently preventing you from leaving?. If you have DC what effects do you think all this is having on them?. Its not doing them any favours at all.

As an aside people pleasing behaviour as well often starts by wanting to parent please; were either one or even worse, both your parents, emotionally absent here when you were a child?. I do wonder if you've gone onto marry someone just like mum or dad. Do continue in wanting to address your people pleasing behaviour. (BTW you are making some good progress here in that respect).

Leaving is obviously a resolution for this issue but realistically I'm not in a position to do that currently.

Well, I guess focus on changing that situation then - sorting out practicalities is perfectly feasible, but changing someone when you ain't that someone? rather trickier.

Your post could have been describing my XH and l. At the end l was walking on eggshells... always trying to "word" things correctly so not to cause conflict.

I stayed as it was easier and l always had hope that it would improve but the good times got less and less.

He met OW and left. I wasn't in the least bit upset and l have never missed him.

My life started again the day he walked out the door

@holymolyholly carry on with the counselling.
Thenowrk yiu are d9ng with your therapist is slowly helping you look at your relationship in a different way, one that isn’t clouded in fear and wanting to appease.

What you are describing is that sort if half way house where you can see things aren’t right but you are not strong enough to leave and tell him to fuck off. You will.
Or you will find a way to assert your boundaries and ensure that you are listened too.

But you will find a way:)

I think the therapy is shining light on things I've felt somewhere for a long time but have always crushed down.

I started seeing my therapist for reasons not to do with DH, but this sort of "coming to" regarding him has been a byproduct.

Apparently I am/was a parentified child. I have been a responsible, no nonsense, doer, always.

People who know me would be astonished that I'd put up with his guff. One of the non practical reason I stay is a sense of shame or embarrassment for having failed in my marriage. Sunk cost fallacy.

I've squashed my own feelings for so long now, and been so amenable to being told I've got it wrong that I doubt my own opinion if I'm honest.

If I raise something and he agrees I think aha I knew I was right. When I raise it and it's apparently wrong I think oh right yea I've got the wrong end of the stick again.

It's happening less now but feels like a long road

What SantiMakesMeLaugh said.

Keep doing therapy.

One way or the other you will emerge at the other end of all this feeling stronger.

I think the therapy is shining light on things I've felt somewhere for a long time but have always crushed down

That's what therapy does. Where did you learn to silence your feelings? That's usually something to do with childhood. Did your parents listen to you, and respect you? Did they listen to and respect each other?

Oh god this is horribly familiar. So many women (and possibly some men also) have experienced this, including me. The gaslighting is classic. It's an inability, basically, to see things from other people's perspectives and a way of trying to maintain control over narratives, interpretations, and basically, keep you in your place! But it sounds like you're not one for backing down, and that's a brilliant thing.
You are right to look at the other single parents and feel envious. Honestly, it's great on the other side ;) I appreciate it's not easy though. You would not be failing if you left, you'd be failing if you stayed (and things didn't get better). Be warned though, you will probably be cast as the aggressor, the controller, the selfish one, and the architect of relationship doom! I speak from experience. It doesn't matter, because it sounds like you have a good grasp of what's actually going on. Just hold tight to that.

My ex was a bit like this. He often said I was shouting at him and he didn’t deserve to be shouted at <sad disappointed face>. I never shouted at him once, not ever. He used to say this every time I disagreed with him even in the mildest way.
You have my sympathy, it’s really unpleasant and tiring to be treated like this.

He's definitely the shouter in our house.

I don't shout on principle. If I have to shout I've already lost.

But there was a time when he'd shout and rage and then have the cheek to tell me I was aggressive.

Also many occasions of being told I'm high maintenance, need lots of attention. And I kind of took that onboard. But now I think I'm not an extreme case of either of those thing. Just a normal person with normal needs to be loved. It's who I am and why should I change to accommodate you

How do you feel about aiming for Christmas in a different house/flat? Or making 2023 the year you stop squashing yourself down? Intrigued? Aghast?
Everyone of those divorced people started with a plan. Maybe it is time to start thinking what your plan might look like.

My ex was like this. Lots of accusations that I was 'shouting' when it was him raising his voice. It seemed to be in response to any kind of assertive behaviour on my part. I was supposed to not have needs, not to raise anything he didn't like ...

I'm divorced now 😁

I knew something was changing when I went to visit someone who lives near me.

She has a teeny weeny house with a beautiful garden, walking distance from the high street.

My first though from out of nowhere was me and the kids could be happy here, just us. I could manage in a place like this.

I also see a woman who walks her dog near us on a weekend, she has two little kids but it's always just her. I have a whole thing now where she's this amazing single parent, and I could be like that one day too.

Saying this makes really sad though. We could be happy together if he wasn't so pig headed

Mine was like this in the end. Sounds similar to you. I had difficult dynamics from my parenting..somewhere along the tables turned from him being nothing but supportive and going with the flow to me being wrong all the time. Any time I raised something he’d throw back “I can’t do anything right”. What he meant was “You always criticise me, no matter what I do”. And there’s really no arguing with that…it was exhausting. You can never resolve conflict and nothing ever changes. I had some counselling, first lot helped me work through my childhood issues. Second time my amazing counsellor got me talking about me. She would say “You keep talking about him, I want to know what YOU want”…I realised I’d got so wrapped up in trying to please him, thinking about him, treading on egg shells I had no idea what I wanted. Crunch came on Christmas Eve when he was drunkenly passed out on the sofa and I concluded that I knew what I didn’t want and that was this marriage. As scary as the prospect of being a single parent was (especially since he would often tell me I wasn’t capable of doing stuff myself), the prospect of trapped in a marriage to him for the rest of my life was scarier. The man I fell for is never coming back.

So I instigated a separation. Honestly, I’m so much happier. I am happier in myself, I’m losing weight, people have observed I seem different. Financially it’s tight but it’s absolutely worth it for me. DD took a while to adjust but now she says it’s nice at home without all the shouting 😬 so I’m glad I got us out of that situation. Carry on with your counselling. Get your ducks in a row. You’re stronger than you realise.