Head wobble -- TW: Just escaped a bad one but feel bereft

[ShelfEsteemonthe]

Hi all, feel awful and think need to give my head a wobble! NC but did a thread about 5mo ago saying bf had hidden me on tagged photos (by me of him) on his Instagram. He later unhid but denied doing it in the first place, said it was by accident and basically bullied me and was horrid over messages for a week. Everyone said red flag as he was prepared to lie to my face and try to blame me for asking Qs. I went back 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Any fast fwd to 5 months later and a very predictable outcome. He became more controlling stated in messages after rough sex once he would love to slap me he then started doing so (I didn't object thinking it was a kink he wanted to try) but then it became clear he wanted to use force EVERY time and was doing it harder leaving marks on my face and creepily would put his hand over my mouth and say shush shush. This changed the sexual dynamics. He announced six weeks ago he was moving back to his home country to try once more at a former career he can't do here in the UK, he asked me to stay together still and support him while he tried this and I agreed. Then a few weeks later he just said out of the blue after saying how much he loved me (always love bombing me) that he didnt think it would work. I was heartbroken, couldn't eat, sleep or function at work. He then proceeded to play cat & mouse with me I think for weeks saying he didnt want to be with me but wanted to (have sex with me) see me up til his leaving date mid June. I was saying no I need to protect myself. Took myself off on a solo trip abroad to recover, he got jealous and THEN decides he wants me back and to be his gf again officially and to make it work long distance after all. My self esteem was low and head all over the place after everything so I went to his after I got back, he had asked me to stay for two days. He slapped me again really hard and pulled my hair so much I felt scared and spat in my face (never spat before!) I was starting to not feel great and thinking how do I extract myself from this. Another concern I had was that just before he broke things off initially, he went away on a trip and when I looked on social media his long term ex was there in same location abroad, exact same day, he said it was coincidence. Anyway I thought maybe he was lying and if I message her I could find out and that could be my get out card (so I did a very simple apologising for messaging but I just needed to know brief message) and she said it was just coincidence 🤦‍♀️ but then she messaged him telling him and he went mad and dumped me! I blamed my anxiety and the fact he has messed me around so much creating insecurity (plus was v unfortunate coincidence!) I think maybe I did this because I wanted to know, but also sabotaging behaviour as wanted out and deep down I knew she would let him know if I was wrong... he was horrid about it, but the last burn is in his dumping parting text he said he could see I had anxiety issues from childhood after witnessing DV against my mother after he saw how I liked being hit (so blaming me?) I was appalled and corrected him right away and said no you asked and introduced hitting and spat on me too which I never asked for! Also what sort of person would do that if they really thought a person was engaging in it due to past trauma :( Just so gutted he chose to position the hitting in sex like that as his parting message. Coming from a man who once text me that he liked to have sex with me suddenly as it was like he was raping me & I was fighting it (just found this such an odd comment, that didn't happen but why say it).

I should be cheering from the rooftops that my message to his ex has got him to dump me again and from next week he will be out of the UK and I am out of this about to be difficult long distance controlling relationship where I was too scared to say actually maybe it is best we don't continue. But I feel awful inside, terrible! Mood affected. Have 2 kids and hard keeping myself stable mood wise around them, feel like dying inside, I keep telling myself this will pass.

How can I recover from this? I know it is my own fault for going back, but please be kind.

Bump

It is not your fault at all but my god be so glad you are free!

You could have been stuck with an abusive, horrible disgusting man who has to spit on and hurt women to get off.

Instead you are free to live your life safe, with your children, and without the deadweight and fear.

Today is a good day OP!

Thank you @Useranon1 I just keep going over in my head what I could have done differently that might have changed the outcome or his behaviour. He says he hit me because I enjoyed it (apparently) because I witnessed DV as a child (wtf!) and so I am to blame. Think I should crack open a drink next week when his plane lifts off! (also this is hard for me to process, he showered me with love until a few months back)

Wow lucky break! He sounds manipulative and controlling. Him blaming you for something that was his idea is such a red flag. I'm thinking he knows he wanted these things and given the relationship is ending wants to make you doubt yourself so you wouldn't mention it to people. Good riddance!

This is going to come across harsh but how is this even a relationship to mourn? He degraded you, the gaslighting, general horidness to name but a few things. Be grateful you are out and your children don't have to witness anymore of it. Get some help building your self esteem you are worth more than this.

I'm having issues with MN so I hope this posts

I am not someone who knows much about this stuff but I saw this yesterday, so naturally it was at the front of my mind when I read your post.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/20EcYp66ouw

This man will return. You have shown willingness, even keenness, to be treated the way he wants to treat someone. Other posters will know where you can get help. I don't often say this but please seek help. Also please never let this man near your children. I hope you will never let him near you again.

Would it help to do the Freedom Programme? It sounds like you would really benefit from some therapy to help rebuild your self-esteem.

Violent men never change. It's not about you. Well done for escaping. Please do some work on yourself so you never accept this kind of thing again. Lots of women in abusive relationships end up dead.

He sounds awful. No person should be slapping another, pulling hair or spitting. I think You need to get some help on abusive men. I agree with the previous poster re Freedom Programme.

do not date anymore men. Work on yourself. He is not a nice man let alone a partner. Well done on walking away.

Thank you, I just feel really strange at the minute, I am sure once a week or so has passed since NC I will start feeling more like myself and have even more of a realisation! I think it is just as my self-esteem has been knocked, he dumped me with so many put downs in his parting message! Luckily I only let him meet kids once after 6 months (and he turned up 30 mins late hungover!) this was in the park for a short meeting and that was it. He then dumped me for the first time a week later and I said why did you let me intro the kids if you had doubts? Said it wasn't nice of him and he went mad saying I was accusng him, I was just pointing out a fact!

Thank you for the link! I will have a look. As reply to pp he only met kids once in park briefly after six months thank goodness! I am always careful about intro'ing kids, and thankful in this instance! As after the first few months he has turned out like this! It is more of an issue they can sense something is upsetting me, so I need to get on top of that!

I had therapy for far less. I mean it. If there is ever a post I've read on here that has left me thinking that this poster (you) deserves therapy, it's yours.
What you've been through at his hands is an absolute headfuck. He has gaslit you and slapped you and been rough with you and played hot and cold and wanted you and not wanted you and then at the end, you say that as a child you witnessed DV against your mother. You poor thing. All of this must be so triggering. You didn't deserve any of this. While you are trying to get a therapist, buy yourself the kristen neff phd and christopher germer phd mindful WORK book of self compassion. It's so good. SO good. i really loved it and felt noticeably healed after it.
You can get to the point where if somebody even asked you if they could slap you, you will be so turned off, so revolted, you won't need to have a dialogue in your head where you try to figure out if that's reasonable or not. You will just be so turned off, you'll run.

I agree with the others that this man might reappear. From his pov, you took a lot of his bullshit and even when he lied to your face that day was night you believed him and took him back, so he will be thinking, let the dust settle, reappear with a joke or a compliment and I'll be back in there, and back on my terms before too long.
Make sure that he is blocked on EVERYTHING

You need to seriously ask yourself why you tolerated any of this, and why you are still wondering what you did or should have done in order to make this dreadful, abusive monster stay with you. It sounds like you massively underreacted to everything he did.

Have seen the Freedom programme mentioned on here on other threads, but never looked it up, I will do. Worth saying he didn't come across as violent at first, but when we had our first disagreement that was when he mentioned soon after about wanting to slap me and it escalated to him hitting (slapping) me every time. I did think in the context it was something more than a man who had a kink for rough sex, as he had never mentioned hitting me before our first row. Who knows where he might have taken these violent fantasies given a chance! I just feel rubbish as he came across as a big softy at first :-(

Not a substitute for therapy but I have watched every single crappy childhood fairy video. She links the effects of our parents' parenting of us to how we show up in our ''love lives''. she is definitely worth a listen.

Also, Patrick Teahan is all about how a less than ideal childhood affects our lives, our working lives as well as our love lives.

I went to therapy because my parents projected their low self-esteem on to me and labelled me paranoid and sensitive and then when I objected they made themselves the victims of that and gave me the silent treatment until I ''submitted'' to their narratives and that alone left me badly in need of therapy. And it was very beneficial I'm happy to tell you.

I really feel that I have made more progress in the last two years than I have in the 14 years since I left my x. Please ''treat'' yourself to therapy. xx

Thank you, I looked his behaviour up when he first did it as no other man has asked me to do that or done that, maybe a hair grab but not hitting/spitting, and seemed to be a few threads with people saying it was normal (with consent) but maybe also influenced by porn use etc. He hadn't hit me outside of sex, but I did worry maybe this was the cover to say it was a sex thing and would it escalate outside of the bedroom. But his abuse was further -- gaslighting, control, lovebombing, put downs etc and I put up with that so maybe some therapy is in order!

I love Anna Runkle

He sounds evil. You are disoriented and fragile. There is an emptiness in your life with his passing but it's a very good emptiness and new, better things are coming.

You weren't safe and you put up with more than you should have, not blaming you at all but you are worth more.

It wasn't your fault by Beverley Engel

While you're sorting out the therapist, here's another resource to check out.

I had to wait about 6 or 7 weeks to see a therapist after I'd made the decision. I can honestly tell you that it was the best thing I ever do.

They never come across as violent at first.

Even if it is a fetish to hit a woman while you're having sex, do you really think that's ok? Even when he didn't talk to you about it first, or gain consent? And it's not a fetish is it, because it went further and got more violent, so he is just a violent man.

Please do get some professional support. Your responses are still trying to justify his behaviour.

It's not your fault. He is a BAD person. He will never change. You can't change him. Never have any contact with him against and don't start a relationship with anyone else until you have robust self-esteem. Bad men can spot vulnerable women at 100 paces.

Thank you so much for this really empathic reply! I confided in him the terrible time I had as a child seeing my mum beaten by her bf and even having to live in a women's refuge at one point and ask someone to open a tin of beans as her arm was broken! Told him the fear I felt and how I get jumpy in pubs with people shouting when the footy is on as posttrauma effect and he said he understood as his ex punched him once. Then after that he decided to introduce hitting into the relationship (some months after but still!) I don't think he will be back as I have embarrassed him by messaging his ex and he hates that (massive ego) and he ended his message saying have a nice life etc. But you never know as he was hinting about me sending him money when I was at his last as it will be better in his currency (thought he was joking so just laughed but maybe he was testing the water?) he is moving back to his home country next week but has an open visa to come back and forth to UK and can apply for right to remain soon. I WILL look up those for book/phd refs -- thank you!!

Thank you -- so much! I will have a look at this too! Maybe I will, I was in care for 10 years as a child due to emotional neglect and parental addiction, I am in the last year of a PhD and single parent to two lovely kids, rent a house in a lovely area with great neighbours, written a book even (doesn't feel real!) on paper made good progress despite things but inside I do NOT feel good! Now feel much worse!! So sorry you had a hard time as a kid too x sounds like you have come so far hugs!

He is a BAD person, a horrible person, he capitalised on your trauma for his own sexual gratification. On your behalf I'm angry.

But as another poster says, they're never horrible on date one. They reel us in and then when they sense that we feel we owe them (?) then they test our boundaries with a measure of disrespect. and then if we don't disappear out of their lives, they think result, and then there'll be another test of our boundaries. Occasionally they do something which makes us think, wow, I can't ignore this. I know what this means! Then they u-turn and love bomb and gaslight.

I left a horribly abusive man 14 years ago and it is possible to heal. I think I had to go back to the drawing board a few years ago and heal from my childhood too. But healing is possible. And it can be an enjoyable process when you feel yourself recovering bit by bit.

This is so true, heard this so many times, even some not showing true colours til they move in! He did bring up over messages that he wanted to slap me during sex (not with force) and I did consent thinking it was just a kink thing like slapping on bum, but it got to him doing it EVERY time and harder and that was just not what I expected and the spitting thing, no idea why that would turn him on, just pure degradeation as far I could see. He is really a bad person I can see that, tryng to do these things to me, and then saying I enjoy it because of my background like that makes him a better person / excuse for doing it, yet it was intended as a final insult or put down to me that was obvious!! I had been single about 3yrs prior to him about from a brief 4 month thing from OLD, I suppose I was feeling lonely after being a single parent with no support bubble for 2 years or whatever lockdown was!

oh wow, you have achieved a lot! You have the intelligence to put this behind you and heal. Interesting that you have written a book and are in the last year of getting a phd. Just shows that abuse is not an assault on your intelligence, it really is an assault on your boundaries!

''Thank you -- so much! I will have a look at this too! Maybe I will, I was in care for 10 years as a child due to emotional neglect and parental addiction, I am in the last year of a PhD and single parent to two lovely kids, rent a house in a lovely area with great neighbours, written a book even (doesn't feel real!) on paper made good progress despite things but inside I do NOT feel good! Now feel much worse!! So sorry you had a hard time as a kid too x sounds like you have come so far hugs!''

This is all so positive. I know when my dc were small, I was very anxious, very stressed, I felt the weight of it all very heavily but now that I'm the single parent of teenagers (19 and 16) I am finding it easier. I'm calmer, less anxious, have a bit more clarity wrt what really matters and what...... matters a lot less.

ps, the level of neglect you've experienced, I would check out jonice webb phd as well. a lot of people mock the self-help genre but I've got such a lot from the books I've read. perhaps though, I was taking a lot of it in on a cognitive level. Very rationally I understood it all, but it took self-compassion to get through to my inner child. not sure if that sounds woo to you or not.

But one of the concepts in self-compassion is reparenting and they even break down re-mothering and re-fathering and it spoke volumes to me. I understood that I needed to be a lot kinder to myself. I needed to forgive myself. Sooth myself. Listen to myself. validate myself. Re-fathering is around being a bit more assertive, holding boundaries, protecting yourself, decisively putting your needs first and honouring that, you have goals and motivation sorted though! that's the other aspect of re-fathering. It really helped me understand why despite being intelligent (i think) I am such an under achiever.

Dr Mario Martinez is worth a look too. I listened to his audio and I loved the idea of finding and applying the antidote to the original wounds. For me, the core wound of my childhood was not being heard, so the ''antidote'' to this is to stand really firmly in my own interpretation of events (even when my parents are shaming me, labelling me mad, entitled etcc - I still feel better).

So, probably overwhelmed you listing off resources! But we're so lucky now to have access to the resources out there. I'd still go for therapy though because they know how to see what you know cognitively and how to make it touch you inside. xx