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Original poster

Head wobble -- TW: Just escaped a bad one but feel bereft

28 replies

ShelfEsteemonthe · 10/06/2022 13:38

Hi all, feel awful and think need to give my head a wobble! NC but did a thread about 5mo ago saying bf had hidden me on tagged photos (by me of him) on his Instagram. He later unhid but denied doing it in the first place, said it was by accident and basically bullied me and was horrid over messages for a week. Everyone said red flag as he was prepared to lie to my face and try to blame me for asking Qs. I went back 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Any fast fwd to 5 months later and a very predictable outcome. He became more controlling stated in messages after rough sex once he would love to slap me he then started doing so (I didn't object thinking it was a kink he wanted to try) but then it became clear he wanted to use force EVERY time and was doing it harder leaving marks on my face and creepily would put his hand over my mouth and say shush shush. This changed the sexual dynamics. He announced six weeks ago he was moving back to his home country to try once more at a former career he can't do here in the UK, he asked me to stay together still and support him while he tried this and I agreed. Then a few weeks later he just said out of the blue after saying how much he loved me (always love bombing me) that he didnt think it would work. I was heartbroken, couldn't eat, sleep or function at work. He then proceeded to play cat & mouse with me I think for weeks saying he didnt want to be with me but wanted to (have sex with me) see me up til his leaving date mid June. I was saying no I need to protect myself. Took myself off on a solo trip abroad to recover, he got jealous and THEN decides he wants me back and to be his gf again officially and to make it work long distance after all. My self esteem was low and head all over the place after everything so I went to his after I got back, he had asked me to stay for two days. He slapped me again really hard and pulled my hair so much I felt scared and spat in my face (never spat before!) I was starting to not feel great and thinking how do I extract myself from this. Another concern I had was that just before he broke things off initially, he went away on a trip and when I looked on social media his long term ex was there in same location abroad, exact same day, he said it was coincidence. Anyway I thought maybe he was lying and if I message her I could find out and that could be my get out card (so I did a very simple apologising for messaging but I just needed to know brief message) and she said it was just coincidence 🤦‍♀️ but then she messaged him telling him and he went mad and dumped me! I blamed my anxiety and the fact he has messed me around so much creating insecurity (plus was v unfortunate coincidence!) I think maybe I did this because I wanted to know, but also sabotaging behaviour as wanted out and deep down I knew she would let him know if I was wrong... he was horrid about it, but the last burn is in his dumping parting text he said he could see I had anxiety issues from childhood after witnessing DV against my mother after he saw how I liked being hit (so blaming me?) I was appalled and corrected him right away and said no you asked and introduced hitting and spat on me too which I never asked for! Also what sort of person would do that if they really thought a person was engaging in it due to past trauma :( Just so gutted he chose to position the hitting in sex like that as his parting message. Coming from a man who once text me that he liked to have sex with me suddenly as it was like he was raping me & I was fighting it (just found this such an odd comment, that didn't happen but why say it).

I should be cheering from the rooftops that my message to his ex has got him to dump me again and from next week he will be out of the UK and I am out of this about to be difficult long distance controlling relationship where I was too scared to say actually maybe it is best we don't continue. But I feel awful inside, terrible! Mood affected. Have 2 kids and hard keeping myself stable mood wise around them, feel like dying inside, I keep telling myself this will pass.

How can I recover from this? I know it is my own fault for going back, but please be kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShelfEsteemonthe · 11/06/2022 17:32

ChairPose9to5 · 11/06/2022 17:25

''Thank you -- so much! I will have a look at this too! Maybe I will, I was in care for 10 years as a child due to emotional neglect and parental addiction, I am in the last year of a PhD and single parent to two lovely kids, rent a house in a lovely area with great neighbours, written a book even (doesn't feel real!) on paper made good progress despite things but inside I do NOT feel good! Now feel much worse!! So sorry you had a hard time as a kid too x sounds like you have come so far hugs!''

This is all so positive. I know when my dc were small, I was very anxious, very stressed, I felt the weight of it all very heavily but now that I'm the single parent of teenagers (19 and 16) I am finding it easier. I'm calmer, less anxious, have a bit more clarity wrt what really matters and what...... matters a lot less.

ps, the level of neglect you've experienced, I would check out jonice webb phd as well. a lot of people mock the self-help genre but I've got such a lot from the books I've read. perhaps though, I was taking a lot of it in on a cognitive level. Very rationally I understood it all, but it took self-compassion to get through to my inner child. not sure if that sounds woo to you or not.

But one of the concepts in self-compassion is reparenting and they even break down re-mothering and re-fathering and it spoke volumes to me. I understood that I needed to be a lot kinder to myself. I needed to forgive myself. Sooth myself. Listen to myself. validate myself. Re-fathering is around being a bit more assertive, holding boundaries, protecting yourself, decisively putting your needs first and honouring that, you have goals and motivation sorted though! that's the other aspect of re-fathering. It really helped me understand why despite being intelligent (i think) I am such an under achiever.

Dr Mario Martinez is worth a look too. I listened to his audio and I loved the idea of finding and applying the antidote to the original wounds. For me, the core wound of my childhood was not being heard, so the ''antidote'' to this is to stand really firmly in my own interpretation of events (even when my parents are shaming me, labelling me mad, entitled etcc - I still feel better).

So, probably overwhelmed you listing off resources! But we're so lucky now to have access to the resources out there. I'd still go for therapy though because they know how to see what you know cognitively and how to make it touch you inside. xx

Thank you so so so much!! Really thoughful resources. For sure an assault on my boundaries and my willingness to always give people one last chance to get better (I had to give my parent another chance as a child or I would be faced with staying in care) and an assault on my desire to feel loved and held, he would messge me nonstop all day!! I loved feeling loved he was so affectionate and caring too, cooking, fussing over me. But turns out he also had a desire to dominate and control me.

Well done you for how far you have come, shows self-worth to take the time and care to seek out this help in the first place (this should be my next step I hope!), had a bad experience with therapy years ago and was put off, but maybe I could try another one.

OP posts:
ChairPose9to5 · 11/06/2022 17:50

yes, it's a survival strategy. It was the smart response! Unlearning it is challenging but NOT impossible.

I had to unlearn having no reaction to being hurt. My parents would hurt me with their projections and then get angry with me for being hurt so I learned to never have a reaction to being hurt, and then over time, I sort of didn't register it.

Definitely try again, I have had 3 therapists over the years. The first one was awful. She kept going on about me not having a job and how I needed ''something for myself''. I had two toddlers and I'd escaped an abusive relationship with a buggy and a nappy bag. He attacked me as I was leaving. I really didn't feel that she understood at all. The next one was a lot better although she made me face a lot of things about my childhood that I just stored away for a while. But she did help be turn my critical inner voice to a more neutral voice. and the most recent one, I'm welling up here, she was just so kind. She listened to me and validated what I was saying. So she was ALL about self-compassion and practicing it, at first I thought, hang on, I need somebody to be tougher on me! All this self-compassion is too soft. But actually it was what I needed. So definitely recommend finding a good therapist who can assess what you need next.

my inner voice now, lol, it's like Pet, you're a rock star, but you're a rock star who has earned a rest, so have a rest, then go you. :-p

it's a huge relief, after all the years of my inner voice being so hard on myself now I know what normal people's inner voices are like.

Right, off out, Take care x

Original poster
ShelfEsteemonthe · 11/06/2022 22:04

ChairPose9to5 · 11/06/2022 17:50

yes, it's a survival strategy. It was the smart response! Unlearning it is challenging but NOT impossible.

I had to unlearn having no reaction to being hurt. My parents would hurt me with their projections and then get angry with me for being hurt so I learned to never have a reaction to being hurt, and then over time, I sort of didn't register it.

Definitely try again, I have had 3 therapists over the years. The first one was awful. She kept going on about me not having a job and how I needed ''something for myself''. I had two toddlers and I'd escaped an abusive relationship with a buggy and a nappy bag. He attacked me as I was leaving. I really didn't feel that she understood at all. The next one was a lot better although she made me face a lot of things about my childhood that I just stored away for a while. But she did help be turn my critical inner voice to a more neutral voice. and the most recent one, I'm welling up here, she was just so kind. She listened to me and validated what I was saying. So she was ALL about self-compassion and practicing it, at first I thought, hang on, I need somebody to be tougher on me! All this self-compassion is too soft. But actually it was what I needed. So definitely recommend finding a good therapist who can assess what you need next.

my inner voice now, lol, it's like Pet, you're a rock star, but you're a rock star who has earned a rest, so have a rest, then go you. :-p

it's a huge relief, after all the years of my inner voice being so hard on myself now I know what normal people's inner voices are like.

Right, off out, Take care x

Thanks for the encouragment, I will try again! If not maybe a life coach. Well done you that must have been very hard all those years ago but so worth it. Glad you finally found a good therapist. Self-compassion all the way! Feel awful again and keep having dips in moods but only been 48hrs since he sent those horrid messages so I need to be kind to myself and not expect to feel great so soon. Have a fab time out x

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