Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Elderly mum being scammed...I'm lost?

39 replies

Ysccc · 10/06/2022 07:18

During lockdown my mum began speaking to strange scammy ranve types and began hiding this behaviour from her emails from myself. More recently she has been speaking to crypto investment scammers signing up to multiple websites and forwarding on details to said scammers to "invest". I've just for about the 100th time found incriminating emails of further wiring of money to dodgy Nigerian ip addressed.

I worry she has taken out loans now and I see large transactions of -10k -6k -5k leaving her bank account.l as well as a loan deposit for 10k.

I've confronted her on multiple occasions over the past 2years having called the police 3-4x, reported to action fraud，solicited mum's friends for help and tried a family intervention. Police also have been next to useless and despite providing evidence, as mum has said no crime has been committed have closed the case.

She seems to be in a death spiral of speaking to scammers and sending large amounts of money to them as part of elaborate romance scams. She is a very proud lady and will not admit she might just be wrong and therefore refuses to seek help from charities or speak to police.

She is 76yrs old in July and supposed to be enjoying her golden years but being swindled blind whilst we are seeing the worst cost of living crisis in a generation.

Mum and I distant relationship at best with no siblings. We are due our first bouncing baby boy next money and I'm unsure about stating if she doesn't stop speaker to these scammers she can say goodbye to seeing her grandchild and cease all ties with our family. AIBU here?

Does anyone have any advice or support they could advise? Has anyone had anything similar?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/06/2022 07:23

Can I ask why you don't want her to have a relationship with your child? How are the two things linked?

Does she see these scammers as her friends or does she see these as big investments?

inappropriateraspberry · 10/06/2022 07:25

The BBC are doing loads of programs about scams at the mo, from dating sites to phone calls pretending to be your bank. Can you get her to sit down and watch some with you? It may make her recognise some of the things happening to her.
I don't think you can threaten her with things like not seeing your baby. Deep down she probably does know it's all scams but can't admit it. I think people can feel very ashamed that they have fallen for it.
Is there any way of taking control of her finances? Is there a power of attorney in place at all?

StopStartStop · 10/06/2022 07:27

Why do you want to blackmail your mother (who is clearly vulnerable) by telling her she cannot see you or your child?

LIZS · 10/06/2022 07:27

Seems like she has been groomed and is now in so deep she is embarrassed to rethink it or has a sunk costs fallacy. Does she have capacity, is she vulnerable? The bank has a duty of care to query and unusual pattern of transactions but she may explain then away.

MrsMigginsCat · 10/06/2022 07:32

My DM did something similar at roughly the same age. Sent thousands to a dating scammer. We reported it to Action Fraud who took it seriously and fortunately, the scammers, both Nigerian students were based in the UK, so were arrested and now reside at HM pleasure. DM also got her money back. Action Fraud should be your first call and they will be able to at least give you some advice about broaching the subject with her.

orbitalcrisis · 10/06/2022 07:33

Contact social services, she should not have control of her own money.

Gingernaut · 10/06/2022 07:36

Court of Protection

She'll never give power of attorney, but with the evidence you say you have, you might be able to apply for a Deputyship under the Court of Protection.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2022 07:40

She probably also thinks these people are her friends. They’ve befriended her and this has become her life. If she is proud she probably refuses to believe it anyway. Sadly pride comes before a fall.

I would contact her council’s Social services adult safeguarding dept and Action on Elder abuse.

what have the bank said about these financial transactions?.

if she has capacity there is not actually anything you can personally do.

eurochick · 10/06/2022 07:45

This was one of the first signs of dementia in my friend's mum. She gave away thousands. My friend ended up moving in with her to stop it and care for her. These scammers are bastards.

litlealligator · 10/06/2022 07:48

Older people tend to get involved in these scams because they're lonely. The scammers make it feel like they have a friendship and it fulfills their need for social interaction as well as a need to feel important and valued for 'rescuing' people. What is your mum's social life like? Does she volunteer or have a role that makes her feel useful and wanted? I'd start the.

PermanentTemporary · 10/06/2022 07:50

Try not to cut her off. One of the glimmers of hope is that a grandchild might give her a new interest.

My dad was involved with scammers for years. They are very good at what they do. In the end, there may not be much you can do. You can make it clear you know that they are scammers.

LIZS · 10/06/2022 07:56

You could contact Age UK for advice as to how to approach her. Sadly they will only lose interest once the money runs out. Does she own her home, are there any charges on it?

Reallyreallyborednow · 10/06/2022 08:22

Older people tend to get involved in these scams because they're lonely. The scammers make it feel like they have a friendship and it fulfills their need for social interaction as well as a need to feel important and valued for 'rescuing' people. What is your mum's social life like? Does she volunteer or have a role that makes her feel useful and wanted?

this. If you get her involved with her grandchild it might fill that need for human interaction. Cutting her off will send her further their way.

i knew a lady in a similar situation. She knew it was a “scam” - but to her it was worth every penny. She was lonely and these people chatted to her, emailed etc, so she was quite happy to send them money in return. She was quite capable though and only sent affordable amounts.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 10/06/2022 08:53

I think you need to divorce the new grandchild from the financial situation TBF.

However I think per PP you need to consider (if you have tie and energy to do so) if this is a mental capacity issue? Or a loneliness issue? Because there might be a way forward once you know the cause IYSWIM?

Is there anyone in the family who's close to her, who she would listen to?

I do appreciate the frustration. My in laws have little common sense but plenty of money, and my FIL particularly seems to fall for whatever anyone tells him, particularly tradespeople. Then we spend ages trying to unpick whatever he's done. At the same time, he's an adult and it's valid for him to spend/lose money as he sees fit. It always sits ill with me that my ILs scrimp over a sandwich for lunch, but will spend £2000 on having something minor done to their house by some cowboy!

Porcupineintherough · 10/06/2022 08:57

If she has capacity then there is nothing anyone can or will do unless she reports a problem.

If you suspect she is loosing capacity then you can contact adult social services for an assessment but she'll have to be pretty far gone before they would step in. Do you have a financial poa for her?

We had similar problems w my dad (only he had an Alzheimers diagnosis and it was a family member doing the fraud) and it was very hard to stop despite us having a poa for him. Basically people are allowed to be stupid and the threshold for interference is very high.

FearlessFreddie · 10/06/2022 08:59

Have you spoken to her bank? They may be able to help re stopping further payments. In some limited circs there may also be a chance of reclaiming money from them (a long shot).

Porcupineintherough · 10/06/2022 09:04

The bank won't speak to her unless they have either her mum's permission to do so, or she holds an active poa. Would you be happy about your bank discussing your financial transactions with a third party?

bestbefore · 10/06/2022 09:05

I think watching the shows would be good - there's some with Gloria hunniford and Angela rippon. Outrageous that she can get loads for it though!

FearlessFreddie · 10/06/2022 09:11

Porcupineintherough · 10/06/2022 09:04

The bank won't speak to her unless they have either her mum's permission to do so, or she holds an active poa. Would you be happy about your bank discussing your financial transactions with a third party?

This is wrong. They obviously can’t give any info to op but they can receive info from her.

Original poster
Ysccc · 10/06/2022 10:24

It was ultimatum I gave her to stop speaking to scammers or not to have a relationship with her grand child as a last ditch attempt as I don't know what else to make her stop

OP posts:
Original poster
Ysccc · 10/06/2022 10:25

Porcupineintherough · 10/06/2022 09:04

The bank won't speak to her unless they have either her mum's permission to do so, or she holds an active poa. Would you be happy about your bank discussing your financial transactions with a third party?

This is true I spoke to the bank today who confirmed this

OP posts:
Original poster
Ysccc · 10/06/2022 10:28

FearlessFreddie · 10/06/2022 08:59

Have you spoken to her bank? They may be able to help re stopping further payments. In some limited circs there may also be a chance of reclaiming money from them (a long shot).

Tried this morning. It's limited what they can do. They said they would give her a call to warn her about scams but they can't stop her or make her heed their warnings

OP posts:
Original poster
Ysccc · 10/06/2022 10:30

girlmom21 · 10/06/2022 07:23

Can I ask why you don't want her to have a relationship with your child? How are the two things linked?

Does she see these scammers as her friends or does she see these as big investments?

They aren't but it's a form of leverage on the situation...where it's right or wrong it was all I had left after no efforts from the police or action fraud.

She seems them as investments but it's like those spam emails you get with diamonds and dollar signs...except she replied to them saying I have 4k to invest do you take bank transfer

OP posts:
Original poster
Ysccc · 10/06/2022 10:32

inappropriateraspberry · 10/06/2022 07:25

The BBC are doing loads of programs about scams at the mo, from dating sites to phone calls pretending to be your bank. Can you get her to sit down and watch some with you? It may make her recognise some of the things happening to her.
I don't think you can threaten her with things like not seeing your baby. Deep down she probably does know it's all scams but can't admit it. I think people can feel very ashamed that they have fallen for it.
Is there any way of taking control of her finances? Is there a power of attorney in place at all?

Spoke to her bank power of attorney would be something she would need to agree to sign (which she likely won't). Therefore next step to get something like this is getting social services involved I fear. That comes with its own challenges

OP posts:
FearlessFreddie · 10/06/2022 10:32

Ysccc · 10/06/2022 10:28

Tried this morning. It's limited what they can do. They said they would give her a call to warn her about scams but they can't stop her or make her heed their warnings

Show quote history

A shame they were not more helpful and it might be worth writing as well. DH's aunt had a similar problem and the family was able to have a note added to her account to have certain payments flagged.