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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please, should I be dealing with this?!

59 replies

Aleex · 09/06/2022 23:34

Hello, so I've recently started to speak to someone new via an OLD app, I'm 32 and he is 35. We spoke initially for a couple of days and the conversation was going well, he then video called me via the app. We decided to meet up after 3 days whereby we met on Thursday last week. The date overall was great, he told me a lot about his family situation quite early early on. Father is divorced and now married to a somewhat younger woman and has 2 young children with her, mum is on end of life care and brothers don't really have a relationship with him. He also mentioned that he would cut his father off and would only go to his funeral if he passed, but never speak to him again.

After meeting, we continued to speak and decided that we felt a vibe so we both will lay off the app. We met again on the Sunday, this was more of an intimate date. He has a stomach hernia and after consuming foods that affected him he started to suffer. He went to a Sunday dinner straight after we met and also ate from there. This caused him severed sickness overnight. He was really off for a whole day which was understandable, but there was a lot of tantrums and moaning. When I questioned whether he has genuine interest he said "I'm sick, what do you want me to do or say"? But he was also out a couple of hours later, he sent me a picture.

So he messages me everyday, but recently it's changed. There are longer gaps between replies and a couple word answers, the other day he randomly sent me a message of a field and said, "do you ever come to a field break down and then feel better"? He never asks me how I am, or how I am feeling (I informed him of my situation at present which is also terrible, but I don't discuss it) whereas I always ask whether he's going well and give him positive support and advice.

Earlier today he sent me a video discussing feminism and men being oppressors just randomly out of the blue. I don't get what he is trying to get at? I have an amazing career, I train 6x a week and have a lot of consistency in my life. I can hold my own and never asked any guy I've been in a relationship for anything.

What should I do?

OP posts:
OutDamnedSpot · 10/06/2022 07:38

I feel as though he's taking my glow away from me!

I honestly think you need to consider how you’ve let him do this after such a short time. If you can feel that happening, why have you not just confidently ditched him? The early days of dating are about working out if you like someone or could imagine a (good) relationship with them. You don’t and can’t, so it should be easy to end it. Why do you feel you can’t?

Beingadiv · 10/06/2022 07:42

No! He's putting you down. End this now. It will get worse. I was with a man briefly who I really liked until he started putting me down about anything and everything. I thought of it as 'popping my bubbles' as he had said he liked my bubbly characteristics previously. You've only just met this man, it just feels intense as he has over shared so much.

Original poster
Aleex · 10/06/2022 07:56

OutDamnedSpot · 10/06/2022 07:38

I feel as though he's taking my glow away from me!

I honestly think you need to consider how you’ve let him do this after such a short time. If you can feel that happening, why have you not just confidently ditched him? The early days of dating are about working out if you like someone or could imagine a (good) relationship with them. You don’t and can’t, so it should be easy to end it. Why do you feel you can’t?

It's probably because of all the negative energy that he has portrayed over the short period of time. I will be walking away from it, as I know it's not right for me, I've spoken to a couple of friends about it too who put him across as needy and attention seeking. I just find it's good to hear the perception of people on the outside.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 10/06/2022 08:15

prior to meeting him I was living my absolute best life. I feel like the world is starting to crumble around me again.

If he’s having this effect on you after 2 dates, imagine how it’ll be after 2 months, 2 years, 20 years…

OutDamnedSpot · 10/06/2022 10:02

It really shouldn’t be this hard.

After two dates, it’s literally just “nah, not the one for me… next!”

You don’t owe him anything. Move on.

Justcallmebebes · 10/06/2022 10:13

What should you do? Raise your bar. You sound like you have a lot going for you so don't settle for weird fuckwits like this

Watchkeys · 10/06/2022 10:15

prior to meeting him I was living my absolute best life. I feel like the world is starting to crumble around me again

After 2 dates? You need to work on the solidity of 'your best life' before dating.

Zpoa · 10/06/2022 10:37

Block him. Never let anyone take your glow.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2022 10:45

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What example did your own parents show you?.

Raise your relationship bar going forward, that is also how you live your best life here. I do also wonder why it is so low that he's been given this much headspace at all.

I would also read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Boredsoentertainme · 10/06/2022 10:49

I can’t get round why you even need to ask. You’ve met some twat. Throw him back. HAve better standards.

Original poster
Aleex · 10/06/2022 11:16

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2022 10:45

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What example did your own parents show you?.

Raise your relationship bar going forward, that is also how you live your best life here. I do also wonder why it is so low that he's been given this much headspace at all.

I would also read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Absolutely love this book and have it at home, maybe I need to indulge in it again. My parents have had a stunning marriage, married over 40 years. I may have got into dating too soon as my previous relationship was toxic and abusive mentally and physically. I thought I was in a better place, but from what I'm sensing here I'm still letting things affect me and letting people slide through gaps because I feel sorry for them.

OP posts:
Etinoxaurus · 10/06/2022 11:18

You are not a rehab centre.
Flowers

JustHarriet · 10/06/2022 11:40

It sounds as though he is testing you to see how much bad treatment you will put up with and how much he can extract from you. Walking away tells him and more importantly tells yourself 'no thanks, I deserve more than that.' Telling a story that evokes pity is a common strategy that abusive men use, it makes you lean towards providing emotional care to them and lowers your expectation and gives them an excuse when your needs are side-lined.

I can hold my own and never asked any guy I've been in a relationship for anything.

It's great you notice this is your pattern. What kind of relationship do you want? Do you want a relationship where you don't ask for anything but give, give and give some more, and don't receive anything? You'll end up providing care and emotional services to someone but not getting anything in return. This is how women are generally raised, to be emotional caretakers of others, but it's not healthy. In a healthy relationship, there is entry-level respect, like not being put down, and there is also space for you to share your needs and have your partner respond in a way that builds connection. An excellent book is Attached: The New Science of Attachment.

Iamnotamermaid · 10/06/2022 11:46

Go back to living your best life....thus guy is bringing nothing to the table that is worth having. Don't invest any more time or energy with this one, he is not up-to standard.

Original poster
Aleex · 15/06/2022 23:00

Update!!

So I wished him all the best and hope he finds what he's looking for take care. I get a series of the following messages...

You're rude, get lost and bye.

Had a court case earlier because he was caught speeding - I only got 6 points I still have my licence but you don't care to have asked at 3 or 4 when I had my court case.

You make out like you the one making all the efforts but your really not.

You are a very possessive person and I can't be dealing with that...

You have no patience at all and I'm not gona feel caged in a relationship.

Anyway your getting blocked for that sick of you being soo needy.

Yeah so....says it all! He's been in an abusive relationship in the past, but is abusive himself 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
PanicPrevention · 15/06/2022 23:14

Bullet dodged op.
There are nice normal men out there, keep looking if that's what you want.

Original poster
Aleex · 16/06/2022 07:41

Yep! I wasn't deemed so needy when I was listening to your bullshit stories and helping you through the first of many breakdowns. Selfish!

OP posts:
Giveitall · 16/06/2022 07:48

It’s a new day!
The worlds your oyster!
Rejoice & well done.

Beingadiv · 16/06/2022 08:17

One nutter down! Good work.

Minoloso · 16/06/2022 08:37

God he’s definitely abusive OP. What a huge bell end. Horrible nasty specimen of a man.

thesunwillout · 16/06/2022 08:46

WHAT a bell end.
Sorry op but it's quite funny.

You keep going.
Oh my goodness 🤣

bathwatertea · 16/06/2022 10:46

What a wanker. It’s only a shame you can’t, like, draw on him with luminous sheep paint to warn others off.

BigCheeseSandwich · 16/06/2022 11:28

Whoa - he is awful! You ended it with grace and he came back with this crap. Nicely dodged.

pilates · 16/06/2022 12:45

I bet he was the abuser rather than the abused.

Block and delete ASAP

aalidfeie · 16/06/2022 13:12

Ugh just yeet this entire thing off! He sounds ridiculous!!