I have made a huge mistake, I don’t know how to deal with this

[Respug]

Me and an ex got back together last year. He’d been pretty awful to me leading up to the break up and I managed to stay strong and walk away. When we got back together he had many plausible excuses for his behaviour that I lapped up as I wanted things to work. We are now expecting and he has become worse than ever. Or so I think? Maybe I’m a total bitch.

I can’t get him to commit to a holiday. He’s inconsistent with me and miserable all the time - all traits from before that i brushed aside. All my fault. I was deluded.

He is often unkind to me. If he is busy or preoccupied I literally will not hear from him. He was involved in a car accident for using his phone recently and was arrested and didn’t tell me… I spent two days trying to contact him and it turns out he was in a cell for half this time.

I try so hard to have nice evenings with him. He ignores my attempts to cuddle or be close, so I’ve stopped. He criticises me constantly. I was feeling sick the other day and he told me I was dysfunctional in how I lived as I logged into work late, because of the sickness.

He is miserable around my family and said my family were ‘full on.’ My family are actually very quiet and private people so it’s a strange comment to make.

I am distraught and I know I brought all this on myself. I don’t think I’m looking for sympathy, maybe to ask if anyone else has been in my shoes? Anyone fucked up like I have. I am so embarrassed.

It’s not your fault. You chose to give him a second chance, that’s not a bad thing. He has done this, not you.

How far along are you? Please don’t stay for the baby, you can do this alone and will be much happier in the long run x

So leave again, safe in the knowledge that you gave him that last chance and nothing changed.

Abuse often escalates during pregnancy as they feel safer to increase the abuse feeling that you are now locked in to the relationship via the pregnancy.

You can walk away with a clear conscience.

But leave before you have the baby. That's really important. It gives you a stronger hand to play with if he tries to control you via the baby.

Just end it.

And give baby your surname.

I am 5mo. I feel like such a fucking idiot.

why did I go back? Why did I do this?

this is all my fault

What are you asking for? I feel for you OP. The only option is to leave him. Are you hoping people will say otherwise? That is the only option - he sounds horrid and is not kind or respectful to you. Child or not, you do not need to be in whatever relationship this is with someone so shit.

Unfortunately it's pretty common for partners to become more abusive and controlling during pregnancy, so common in fact that midwives look out for it.
If you're at all unsure about continuing the pregnancy then try to speak to someone about this soon. Otherwise get advise on how to protect yourself and your child. For example don't rely on him for housing, paying bills or being a responsible, reliable parent. Start off independent, get support and be prepared to go it alone.
Have you spoken to anyone yet in real life? Your friends and family may realise more than you know about your relationship.
Best wishes.

You must leave him, what a horrible man. If you stay you will be miserable and your child will be miserable.
no third chances. Leave him now and you will thrive. You will have a lovely baby, your family’s support and you will probably meet somebody else who deserves you.
Don’t let him do this to you any longer.

The problem is the embarrassment bit, I suppose. You could just own it? "He swore he would change and I believed him. However once I became pregnant he just became worse and worse so I had to dump him rather than let my child grow up in that environment."

-You need to tell everyone. Let the light in on this, let everyone see and understand, otherwise you will be keeping his reputation for him, pretending all is fine AND dealing with living with an arsehole.

It will be far healthier for you and your child to be apart from this.

I feel so stupid. I’m not expecting sympathy I just wanted to talk.

I am in floods of tears. I don’t know how I will cope on my own. It’s so daunting.

Leave him. Better now for the sake of the baby and for yourself. You know you have made a mistake, don't compound that by staying and being treated like shit.

@Haffiana my family are quite …traditional shall we say. They will encourage me to stay with him no matter what, unless I go into gory details. But even then they will be hugely disappointed.

It’s not a permanent situation, can you move back in with family, what is your living situation. I know I’d want my daughter to move back if she was in the same.

@JohannSebastianBach i feel like i deserve it. I knew deep down he wasn’t a good one. I knew it. I was scared of being alone and not having a family etc. I’m 35.

Ah cross post.

@FAQs i could move with family but they wouldn’t be massively supportive in that way. I also couldn’t live there with a baby it wouldn’t work at all

You don’t deserve it!

Do you live together?

If you want to move away do it before baby arroves.. talk to Mw so at least it is logged.

You can do this.

I’ve told the midwife everything today. I just couldn’t cope any more. I’m so scared of being alone.

But he's not going to make you feel loved and supported because he is horrible.

35 is not old.

He will get worse, they always do when you throw a baby into the mix.

You will cope on your own, because you'll have to. It's his fault, not yours.

I hate myself so so so much.

I KNEW he was like this. I fucking knew it. I walked right back into it. I’ve nobody to blame but myself.

Not your fault. You can't control how another person acts. We never really know how things will pan out. It's what you do now that's important.

You need to leave him. Don't berate yourself. My friend had a baby with a truly awful man. She would say it's the best thing she has ever done. It was hard, she left him in pregnancy, but she made a beautiful life and has no regrets.

Your feelings are understandable.
Whatever you do don't ignore this. All mistakes need to be faced to be able to get past and on to a better place.
Don't stay for your child or your family, however much regret this gives you, sticking with it can only make it worse.
Sometimes our worst times are what we need to teach us what we won't tolerate and tough challenges are horrible to live through but when you come out the other side your sense of your own strength and courage makes you the person you have yet to become.
Don't be daunted, know that this mistake was born of hope and optimism, so no shame there and your next move is the one that counts. Stand up, look yourself in the mirror with your chin up and believe the strong mummy you will be is going to step forward, one scary step at a time until you look back and see how far you've come and realise you did it.

Being with an abusive man, and having that man impact your child, is far, far worse than being alone.

I'm going to be a bit harsh, but you have got to pull yourself together. Stop all the self-loathing nonsense because what's done is done. You need to get out of this relationship now, well before the baby comes. He is only going to get worse and worse.

You have a lot of work and planning to do, so I suggest you get to it.