I have made a huge mistake, I don’t know how to deal with this

[Respug]

Me and an ex got back together last year. He’d been pretty awful to me leading up to the break up and I managed to stay strong and walk away. When we got back together he had many plausible excuses for his behaviour that I lapped up as I wanted things to work. We are now expecting and he has become worse than ever. Or so I think? Maybe I’m a total bitch.

I can’t get him to commit to a holiday. He’s inconsistent with me and miserable all the time - all traits from before that i brushed aside. All my fault. I was deluded.

He is often unkind to me. If he is busy or preoccupied I literally will not hear from him. He was involved in a car accident for using his phone recently and was arrested and didn’t tell me… I spent two days trying to contact him and it turns out he was in a cell for half this time.

I try so hard to have nice evenings with him. He ignores my attempts to cuddle or be close, so I’ve stopped. He criticises me constantly. I was feeling sick the other day and he told me I was dysfunctional in how I lived as I logged into work late, because of the sickness.

He is miserable around my family and said my family were ‘full on.’ My family are actually very quiet and private people so it’s a strange comment to make.

I am distraught and I know I brought all this on myself. I don’t think I’m looking for sympathy, maybe to ask if anyone else has been in my shoes? Anyone fucked up like I have. I am so embarrassed.

@SummerHouse how did she find the birth? I’m so scared

He is abusing you, and you accept it because you are abusing you: it seems to be what you think you deserve, to be called a 'fucking idiot' etc.

It's time to be nice to yourself. You made a mistake going back to him, and it's the same mistake millions of people have made, because they desperately wanted it to work. It's ok that you made that mistake. It doesn't define what kind of person you are. Think about what your friends think of you: do they tell you you're a fucking idiot? Or are they more supportive?

Can you think of something that you'd love to happen now, something that would make you feel loved and supported and held? Anything? What would make this better? Try to make a list. Then do something, a small step, towards making one of the things on the list happen. Taking steps in support of yourself is all you need to do. Do a little every day.

Can you stay with your family in the short term, then claim benefits? Here's a calculator to help

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

You will cope. There is support for you.

If your family would suggest you stay, despite the abuse, that suggests that they are ok with you being abused? Are they abusive too? People in abusive relationships were often abused or at least had their feelings dismissed as kids: it's how we learn to keep going back. You've been conditioned, somewhere along the line. It's not your fault this happened, but it is your responsibility now to find your way out, for the sake of your little one on the way.

@TopCatsTopHat I was so hopeful. I had so many ideas and plans and hope for us. I was excited. But if I am honest deep down I knew he was like this. I knew he would hurt me. And now I’m in this situation. I feel like a fucking idiot. I could have been with someone who loved me. He absolutely does not.

You don't deserve any of this, you need to stop being so mean to yourself.

It's not silly to make a mistake by trusting someone in good faith. It would however be a bad idea to continue letting yourself be badly treated because you think it's what you deserve.

That's nonsense.

You have to think of your child now and he or she definitely doesn't deserve to live in a bad atmosphere. Put your baby and yourself first.

Google sunk costs fallacy and get out now while it's easier. It will be harder with baby in tow.

Many women have been where you are, they will all tell you they wish they had ended the relationship sooner. Don't waste anymore time on this loser.

I too just got out of a 'did it to myself' engagement. I read a self-help book which reassured me we were similar enough for it to work, but it did not, and the red flags from the beginning were what split us in the end. So I get what you are saying.

Are you ready to end it? If so, you need to start planning. Have you got any formal advisors to help you make your decisions?

I'm almost two months on from my split and feel a lot better x you'll get there x once the decision has been made, moving forwards is helpful.

Regarding your family, who might be on your side? Start there. With the more difficult ones, I'd use the broken record technique and keeping control. Say the same short sentence over and over as your answer. 'I know what you're saying mum, but believe me, if you'd lived here you'd know what I'm talking about.' Then take control - 'Mum I've got to go. I'll speak to you next week.'

If all else fails, remember the scene in Friends when Rachel told her dad she was pregnant? She left the phone on the side and went to the cinema xxx

I was in a similar situation. Same as you felt embarrassed, shame, guilt etc. My biggest regret in life is not leaving him when I was pregnant. If I had of I would not of endured 4 years of absolute hell.. 4 years of pure abuse from him and my MH at an all time low. I'm 6 years out of it now and my child is now nearly 10. Our life's have completely turned around and would of sooner if I never let my negative emotions and my irrational thinking guide my poor decisions. Honestly, leave him. You will cope! You will cope alot better than you will if you stay with him.. what he is doing now will ramp up to levels you never thought possible once your baby is here and staying will turn out to be your biggest regret in life.

Honestly, yeah you were stupid. But that doesn't mean you have to punish yourself (and your poor, innocent baby) by staying in a relationship with this dickwad. That would be really stupid.
End it.
Block him.
Hope like fuck he loses interest before the baby's born.
Once the baby is born let him know and tell him to go through the courts for access. Contact the child maintenance service. Make your child your priority.
As for being afraid of bringing up your baby on your own, you are on your own and you have to deal with Mr Arsehole. Losing him will make things better not worse.

Your only crime was hope. Hope that he'd be a better person, hope that things would work out.

I can promise you that your life will be much easier on your own than trying to raise a child with an abusive man.

Do you have a local refuge? Might be worth calling them for a bit of advice and support. Is there anyone else you can ask for help? Friends? Colleagues?

Dear OP, please stop beating yourself up. I didn't go back but I stayed with a shithead for 4,5 years. People mess up but it's not the end of the world. You'll find a way to move on.💐

He’s the one that should - but won’t - be throughly ashamed of himself

end this now and have your baby alone. Many women have done it myself included.
your life will only get better from this point but you have to make the break.

don’t blame yourself he is an adult and responsible for his actions. You are responsible for yours, and your unborn baby’s life. Trust me they are much happier confident children without an abusive pig overshadowing their little lives

Pregnancy and or birth are further occasions where abusers show their true nature. End this relationship now and block him from being able to contact you.

Do not berate yourself any longer, that needs to stop now.

Give this child your surname going forward, not his.

Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme online going forward as well; this will help you with red flags. You will cope and manage a lot better without his malign presence in your everyday life.

You want to be with someone who loves you: it needs to be you. Separate yourself from this one mistake, this one, individual decision.

What's so very horrible about you? I can guess: nothing. You're a kind person, you like to do what you feel is morally right, you don't like to let people down, and (crucially) when people let you down, you like to give them another chance.

Don't you see that that's why you went back to him? Because you are a kind, forgiving, loving person, with an open heart? Abusers rely on very nice people like yourself, because anyone hard hearted will tell them to fuck off at the earliest.

The very things that made you feel it would be a good idea to go back are the things that make you lovely. There's nothing wrong with you, it's the context you're in that's the problem. Or, as it was apocalyptically phrased to me: The only thing wrong with you is your partner.

Stop beating yourself up for being kind and forgiving. Have a think about what made you ignore that voice inside that 'always knew'. Was it having to ignore the terrible behaviour of an addict parent? Having to ignore your feelings because your parents' fighting was always the most important thing going on at home? Pushing your feelings aside because your sibling was treated as being more important than you? There will be a reason you did this, and it'll be something you learned as a mechanism as a kid, which worked for you, to make things better at the time. It will have been an intelligent decision. Your only mistake was to continue to apply the old logic into adulthood, but we all do that: we learn how to do stuff as kids, and we carry it to adulthood. It's why a healthy upbringing is so important.

It doesn't matter if you were an idiot. We can all be idiots but the point is what we do afterwards. Please speak to IDVA, Google that along with your location, call them up and tell them what he does, and they will decide your priority. You could get a refuge place, then be housed when the baby is born.

Let him come to you for contact and go via the courts with the help of IDVA and Cafcass who will liaise with one another to address his abusive behaviour.

You are not to blame for him being abusive. You were hopeful and forgiving and optimistic. You wanted to believe the best in him because you're a decent person. He isn't a decent person and isn't playing by the same rules. So now you know for certain that you need to leave and to make it permanent this time.

I've been in a bad marriage and I've been a single parent, and the latter is much much easier. And better for your mental health. I promise you. If being a single parent might sometimes be hard, it really isn't as bad as living with someone every day who shows you disdain / indifferent / no respect / no love. It might be hard to make the decision, but it will only get harder as your child arrives and gets older. If you hate yourself now for being in this situation, think how angry at yourself you'll be if you stay, and are still unhappy in a year, 5 years, 10 years. Right now, you have a chance to leave and to set up a home before you child knows anything about it. Their normal will be a single parent household - one that is loving and happy and calm and cosy. Sounds heavenly!

OP my mum was like you, taken in by a man she 'always thought would change'. Of course he never did, he was vile to her, and she ended up with me - being a single mum was the making of her. She retrained as a teacher, moved away, made new friends - and my grandfather was a priest, so she too sought t would be awkward. My grandparents were great when she ended up in trouble, and I'm sure your family will be if you tell them everything you have been through. You're not stupid, you have fallen victim to a sly, manipulative man, and that just makes you human.

All the best OP

Stop blaming yourself and start sorting.

You made a decision and it hasn't worked out. That makes you exactly the same as the rest of us.

You know the saying "the man who never made a mistake, never made anything".

Well, you made a baby because of your mistake and that is pretty wonderful imo! I have made mistakes with only shit to show for them

Head up high, deep breathe and take the first step into your new life with just you and baby. You can do it!

What is he doing to hurt you @Respug ? Is he violent?

Have you posted so it this recently? It sounds familiar.

@Herejustforthisone no, not posted my own thread before, only on others! He’s not violent. He is moody and depressing and drinks often. I knew all of this before we got back together. I ignored it. I was so desperate to settle and have a family. It was all I wanted. I hoped he would embrace it all and be great. I really believed it would happen like that. I’m deluded.

@Minimalme thanks for being nice. I am
ashamed of myself. I did have faith it would work but also if I am honest I knew he would be hard work, maybe not this hard work but I knew he wasn’t like other men who can be kind and loving.

That’s amazing you took the brave step to tell your MW.

You (and your baby) deserve so much more than this and you absolutely can do it alone.

OP, what is your work and living situation?

You absolutely can do this alone. You need to focus on yourself and your baby, and providing a safe and stress free environment for you both.

Is he getting worse since you’ve been pregnant?

Book a holiday for yourself and go somewhere you'll feel safe enough to travel alone. You will miss this freedom when the baby arrives.

You've nothing to be ashamed of. This is a brave decision and you're thinking of what is best for the baby.

Tell your family everything. If they make you feel bad about your decision explain to them that your child will have the best upbringing if you're happy and you need their support for this. Tell them the dangers of PND and that lack of support can increase your risk of suffering this.

Go to the council and UC. Declare yourself homeless or look for affordable private rent that you'll be happy in for next few years. If you want to study or work you will be entitled to help with childcare costs.

You are more fortunate than me in that your partner is horrible all the time and doesn't appear to have any redeemable features. I'm stuck in a 50% of time brilliant and other 50% awful. I'm torn and have all the hopes of having a happy functional family as well so I hang in there despite the bad times. It doesn't look or sound like there's ANY hope for this guy so this should be an easy decision to make.

When you're ready get him to watch the child and get yourself out there dating and meeting new people. There is a bright future beyond what you're feeling atm.

Good luck x