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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsure what to do.. Right person, wrong time.

32 replies

Icecreamqueen32 · 09/06/2022 10:48

Hi all. Just after some advice on a situation as I'm no clearer on what I should do.
Have been seeing the most wonderful man for a few months, we matched off tinder.
I genuinely believe that we are soul mates and he feels the same too..
We are yet to be fully intimate with each other yet as prior to him I left a relationship that had severe domestic abuse, I was single for 3 years after that.
He is so respectful and kind and decent, makes me laugh, cheers me up when I've had a bad day at work. He's just everything.
He's been separated from his child's mother for 3 years with divorce proceedings yet to be initiated..
After my last meeting with him he told me he was going to speak to her and make the seperation official.. I told him not to rock the boat yet as I was anxious about the repercussions.
He works in a v high pressured city job where his bosses are keen for him to progress. This involves two upcoming overseas work trips.
I told him that I would understand completely if he wanted to take a pause on things because I know how busy he'll be with work during the trip, there will also be a six hour time difference and I said I don't want for him to feel pressured to stay in touch with me.
I think I just feel sad, he is categorically 100 % the right person but it just feels like its the wrong time and I'm not sure what to do.
I don't know whether to just end it now to save myself heartache or just bear with and hope when he returns from the trip we'll be able to pick up.
I love him and he loves me (so he says) but I just have this sinking feeling.
He said he's not prepared to end it and would do his best to stay in touch with me but I know he's concerned at how busy the trip will be, I am also..
I just don't know what to do and just reaching out for some advice.

OP posts:
Audioslaw · 09/06/2022 10:53

Are you definitely sure that he isn't still married? Could the business trips be summer family holidays?

Original poster
Icecreamqueen32 · 09/06/2022 10:56

No he's not married.. I've been to his place, he's been to mine. He's always freely available to speak and meet up. No concerns there whatsoever. It's definitely a work trip.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icecreamqueen32 · 09/06/2022 10:57

I mean yes he's still married but I have no concerns regarding the separation.. I believe him wholeheartedly.

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 09/06/2022 10:59

How long are these trips away? If you are both happy and not hoping to end up with someone else I don’t really understand why you are thinking of ending it.

PollyDarton1 · 09/06/2022 11:11

Honestly, I wouldn't be ending it just because he's going away on an extended work trip. It sounds like you are both very happy with each other and he's keen to keep the momentum going, even when apart.

Some of this may be you doubting things because of the past, or fear - both are understandable, but I genuinely recommend just staying in touch, keeping the status quo for the time being and seeing where you are at when he returns. Nothing about what you say suggests it's not the right time - and he seems keen to commit to you.

aSofaNearYou · 09/06/2022 11:12

Why would you tell him not to make his separation official? If it's been three years it's beyond time. I would agree he should do this and then see how the relationship goes. It doesn't really sound like there's anything specific in your way, just normal life stuff.

Triffid1 · 09/06/2022 11:18

I don't understand your behaviour.

He wants to officially separate from his wife... you tell him no.
He wants to stay in a relationship while he's travelling ... you tell him he should not worry about staying with you?

Do you have significant self esteem issues because nothing in your posts suggest that he is anything less than super keen and wanting to take this relationship further. You, on the other hand, seem determined to put road blocks in place.

Original poster
Icecreamqueen32 · 09/06/2022 11:23

I think I just don't want to put pressure on him to stay in touch whilst he's away, he said it will be a 4 week trip..
He hasn't said he wants to end things but he said he did have concerns as to how busy he'll be and concerned he won't be able to keep in touch every day.. I guess I just have this sinking feeling inside me that's all.. I can't help it, he's such a good guy but there's always complications.

OP posts:
PollyDarton1 · 09/06/2022 11:29

Icecreamqueen32 · 09/06/2022 11:23

I think I just don't want to put pressure on him to stay in touch whilst he's away, he said it will be a 4 week trip..
He hasn't said he wants to end things but he said he did have concerns as to how busy he'll be and concerned he won't be able to keep in touch every day.. I guess I just have this sinking feeling inside me that's all.. I can't help it, he's such a good guy but there's always complications.

If he wants to talk to you during the trip, let him make that decision - don't give him an exit strategy because you are afraid of being let down. If he felt pressured by it, he would say.

He's told you that he may not be in communication as much, but that doesn't need to be a death knell - it's about adapting and communicating when you get the chance, which can be picked up when he comes home.

I gently agree with @Triffid1 - it seems that you are almost trying to self sabotage what seems like a genuine relationship, either because of fear or wariness (understandable, but not conducive).

AlternativePerspective · 09/06/2022 11:29

If you were posting that someone you were seeing kept suggesting you break up you would be told to chuck this one back.

Honestly your words don’t match your actions here.
You haven’t slept together, you don’t want him to get divorced, and you want to break up because he’s working away.

It seems clear you’re not really into him and should let him go.

Triffid1 · 09/06/2022 11:30

Icecreamqueen32 · 09/06/2022 11:23

I think I just don't want to put pressure on him to stay in touch whilst he's away, he said it will be a 4 week trip..
He hasn't said he wants to end things but he said he did have concerns as to how busy he'll be and concerned he won't be able to keep in touch every day.. I guess I just have this sinking feeling inside me that's all.. I can't help it, he's such a good guy but there's always complications.

But you're going from not putting pressure on him to dumping him. I really don't understand.

If he's far away and with a time difference then sure, you're not going to communicate as much. But surely the answer is to say, "I know, it won't be the same but we'll talk when we can and there's always WhatsApp to pick up when the other one is awake" or whatever.

Unless you get the sense he's pulling back and are trying to give him an easy out?

magaluf1999 · 09/06/2022 11:33

Four weeks is nothing. Why are you pushing him away?

A daily text exchange and one or two face times a week whilst he is away will keep you in touch. You can look forward to seeing him when he comes back.

I agree with the previous poster. Hes not at fault here. His intent seems clear. Your worries about being hurt are perhaps making you sabotage this. Be careful.

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 11:34

If he's not going to be able to keep in touch every day, and that's what you want, end this.

'Keeping n touch every day' isn't a chore when you really like someone. You make 10 minutes in the morning. You make 10 minutes in the evening. What he's essentially saying is that he wants to keep you on the hook, but isn't sure he can be bothered to message you every day. Is that really what you want in a man?

It's 4 weeks. People in healthy relationships can spend 4 weeks apart without it causing ructions. Drop the drama. What do you need from him whilst he's away? Can he give you that? It's that simple.

Original poster
Icecreamqueen32 · 09/06/2022 11:35

I suppose its just I wasn't expecting to meet someone so quickly off a dating app and feel like this. The past few months have been so lovely and I really do feel very strongly about him. He told me he loved me 4 weeks after we met.. I know he does as he makes me feel it. Perhaps it is an element of self sabotage and self esteem. I definitely don't want things to end but I guess I was just asking if I should give him the option and what would others do.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 11:43

He always has the option. Everybody always has every option. You're not responsible for what options are available to him. He's responsible for looking at what's available, and choosing what works best for him. You are responsible for looking at what's available, and choosing what works best for you. Don't muddle these up. Stick to things that are your responsibility, like what do you want? How do you want to communicate it to him? How flexible are you on getting your wants and needs met? What would be a dealbreaker for you?

Do you and you only. Communicate you clearly. Let other people make their own decisions; you don't need to provide a grown adult with a 'menu' of available selections.

Octomore · 09/06/2022 11:48

I agree with others, four weeks is nothing. It's not a barrier at all.

And why are you advising him not to divorce his wife? He's been separated from her for 3 years, it's totally appropriate for him to start the divorce process. (Its also not your place to tell him he shouldn't)

You are inventing problems here.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/06/2022 11:48

Yours sabotaging it. Why?

Octomore · 09/06/2022 11:55

The way you seem to be looking for drama (where there shouldn't be any) makes wonder if this is a pattern for you. Do you often seek out / thrive on the feeling of drama?

ElenaSt · 09/06/2022 12:14

How do you think relationships continue with people in the armed forces who go away for weeks and months on end?

It sounds like you are the one I want to finish the relationship and I putting obstacles in the way of inferring that he will find it difficult to do this that and the other!

mycatisannoying · 09/06/2022 12:20

It sounds like you're trying to sabotage the relationship. Not deliberately of course, but perhaps because of your history, a lack of self-confidence or 'ending it with him before he can end it with you' (it doesn't sound like he will, but you know what I mean!).

cooldarkroom · 09/06/2022 12:52

This is nuts
Of course he can keep in touch if he wants to, he can send a text saying miss you babe as he waits for his coffee
He can dictate a short message as he sits on a bus..
4 weeks is not 4 years

CanaryWharf2 · 09/06/2022 12:58

Icecreamqueen32 · 09/06/2022 11:23

I think I just don't want to put pressure on him to stay in touch whilst he's away, he said it will be a 4 week trip..
He hasn't said he wants to end things but he said he did have concerns as to how busy he'll be and concerned he won't be able to keep in touch every day.. I guess I just have this sinking feeling inside me that's all.. I can't help it, he's such a good guy but there's always complications.

That’s really not long enough that most people would want to pause a relationship for.

Iamnotamermaid · 09/06/2022 13:03

Might be worth a shot. I knew a couple where one half moved to the US for a year- they managed to hold the relationship together through that time. Now married....

Maybe you could consider these work trips as an early test of the relationship? 4 weeks is not that long tbh.

Herejustforthisone · 09/06/2022 13:42

Is there a reason you haven’t been ‘fully intimate’ with each other?

You sound chocka with reservations, and fair enough. You’ve had a shite time. But don’t sabotage something that’s good for nebulous reasons.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 09/06/2022 15:49

Four weeks is nothing. Agree to chat say twice a week and then accept he won't be as chatty and just wait for him to come home.

I spend 3 months a year apart from DP every year for the first four years and honestly it's not that bad.

I think you're pushing him away out of fear because of your past.

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