No proposal…

[Heartandcross]

So I’ve been dating my current partner for just over 5 years, we live together and also have two children. I’ve never been one to obsess over marriage or anything but lately I have been wondering whether he will ever propose!?

We Speak about marriage and it isn’t something he is against at all however I just feel like it’s just talk because nothing ever happens.

we are both getting older (obviously)but I Have always wanted to marry by 30 or early 30’s latest. I’m currently 29.

I know it’s just something to wait out but I’m becoming increasingly frustrated and quite resentful towards him and I’m now debating whether I should just forget it and if the time passes it passes and let him know I feel it’s too late now?

Ask him?

Have you proposed to him ?

Forget proposals. That’s so out dated and misogynistic. Just tell him you want to get married and have a conversation about it .

I know it’s just something to wait out

Why do you think this is the case? You can't 'know' it, because it's not a fact. Nobody has to wait it out. If you want something from your partner that you're not getting, talk to them about it. Ask if it's 'all talk'. Talk about timescales. Ask why the relationship isn't moving forward, from his point of view.

You're basically saying 'I know I have to keep my requirements silent, but...' which is codswallop.

What Watchkeys wrote.

Tell him you are going to book a registry office ceremony and see how he he reacts to that. That will tell you all you need to know.

I would also think these children have his surname rather than yours. You've really given up a lot of power and control to him within this relationship and he likely knows it as well. He holds the cards here.

"Tell him you are going to book a registry office ceremony and see how he he reacts to that. That will tell you all you need to know."

That's what I did. We had the conversation, my line in the sand was if he wanted children with me, I needed a marriage certificate. So I booked it.

And OP after 2 children you are hardly "dating".

You need to be firm about this. Stop this waiting for a proposal nonsense.

I know it’s just something to wait out

How do you know this?
Do you live in a fairy tale land, where princesses have to wait in towers to get rescued by their hero?

I’m becoming increasingly frustrated and quite resentful towards him and I’m now debating whether I should just forget it and if the time passes it passes and let him know I feel it’s too late now?

FFS - what passive-aggressive, self-defeating nonsense.
You want to get married, but if he doesn't read your mind & come up with The Proposal soon, you will cut your nose off to spite your face?

You live together. You have children together. Just tell him it's time to get hitched now, set a date, book the Register Office, & get it done.

You absolutely need to raise this and find out where you stand. There are huge financial implications for you based on whether you are married or not.

Sit him down and say you really want to be married. Then wait and watch carefully for his reaction.

Given you already have 2 kids the priority should be getting on with it so they are protected.

Sit him down and say you really want to be married. Then wait and watch carefully for his reaction.

This sounds so adversarial.

Why not just casually continue the ongoing conversations they've been having about marriage? As in - "we've talked about it a lot but never got round to it - let's just set a date now, I'm happy with a cheap & cheerful do, shall I book the Register Office & we'll have a party at XYZ after?"

Sounds like you aren't communicating to your partner how you really feel and your needs. It's the backbone of marriage, so if you can't do that, I would take some time to figure out why that is. You are 50% of this relationship – speak up.

A proposal is traditionally a signal of intent from a man that he is asking you to share his bed, share a life legally with him and share children you may subsequently have. So men who have children with their partners who try to claim they are traditional after they have kids and been cohabiting for years are lying weasels who want all of the benefits of marriage but none of the responsibilities and want to keep the door open for other opportunities.

My thinking on this is that when you get past the point of discussing having children together, a joint future is assumed so the question of a proposal becomes moot - if you are discussing marriage "some day" after you have kids you ARE by default engaged, so should just get on with planning a wedding.

The "engagement" happened the moment that one of you said "hey, we should have a kid now and get married some day" and the other person agreed to the deal. So book the date.

So ask him.

In the nicest possible way, what incentive is there for him to marry you? What would it change about your relationship from his perspective?

I really hate the ‘princess’ comments that get thrown out on these threads.

Whether they get married or not is besides the point. Of course OP could book the registry office and drag him along to it.

The issue is, he doesn’t want to marry her. Most men do propose pretty quickly and make that declaration to the world that this is the woman they love, or if they don’t make the big gesture- they will play an equal part in speaking about marriage pretty quickly and arranging the registry office job with the woman. I got married the latter way, with no ‘big proposal’- but I had a willing equal partner who clearly wanted to marry me before we had children. OP is entitled to feel sad that he is doing none of these things as it sadly is a reflection on the relationship.

There’s nothing ‘feminist’ about proposing to a man who clearly doesn’t want to get married, after having two children and limiting your career options for said man and building a life around someone apathetic.

But still, for your legal protection - I would be setting a date and dragging him off to the registry office, however sad it made me.

Why don’t you propose to him then?

I would also question if you have ‘played it cool’ about marriage, as many women in your situation have- as to appear non-demanding. ‘Oh no! I don’t need a diamond!’ ‘Oh no! I don’t need a big white wedding!’ ‘We’re solid- marriage is a piece of paper!’

Unfortunately men who want the benefits of marriage with none of the commitment meet these women and think ‘jackpot!’. Someone willing to play along.

They definitely don’t think ‘oh, what an undemanding, not-like-other-girls, independent lady…I must cherish her and give her the world!’

You live together and have two kids. The Disney proposal outside Cinderella’s castle ship, has long since sailed. As you want to get married, sit down and discuss setting a date and picking a venue. No proposal required.

And yes sorry to say, but there is every chance this will illustrate that he has no desire to marry you, but at least you know and can take control of your own destiny without this pathetic sitting around waiting for him.

'i know it's just something I have to wait out'😂

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences

Presumably you're already aware of the complete lack of legal protections you have, and have not sacrificed your career or pension to raise the kids of just a boyfriend? The ship has long sailed for proposals, just have a conversation like adults and book a registry office.

Ask him how he feels about marriage and say you want to be married in the next couple of years

It's a stacked deck against women now isn't it?

I mean, back several decades There was a clear transactional process. The main incentive for men to marry was regular sex with a "nice" girl. The woman got the security of marriage, kids and it seemed like a fair deal.

But now it seems like the casual 'lets shack up and have kids' leaves women and children financially vulnerable with zero legal back up. Even the lone obligation for an unmarried man to pay child support is so fucking hit and miss that they can pay nothing with fuck all penalties.

And it's time to rebalance the deal. In NZ once you co habit for a length of time you are considered defacto married under the law, sooner if you have children. And honestly, that's the way it should be everywhere.

The issue is, he doesn’t want to marry her.

You don't know that.
OP doesn't know that.
Because she is passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with him, & refusing to advance her own happiness by asking for what she wants.

You already live with him, had kids with him (I assume they have his last name), he has convenient sex and someone who dies the chores already, and he got it for free.
He only stands to loose if he’d marry you know.

*now

Why are you being so passive? From his POV marriage isn’t that big of a deal to you as you’ve already had two children. But if you want to do it then just talk to him.

When you wanted to have children did you wait for him to announce it was happening? Or did you talk about it like grown up equals and then decide together? If the latter, why is marriage different?

Just tell him what you want (marriage) and explain why (financial security, legalities, unionship etc) and pick a date. Once you go past the point of having children, the fundamental commitment is there and the need for proposals and bells and whistles has sort of passed.

Incidentally, it may be that like others have said, he wants the benefits of being in a "marriage" without making the commitment. My ex DP was like this - two engagements (me and his ex) with two children (my DS and ex DSS) and whilst we got to the point of booking the wedding, he soon got cold feet about it after being the one who booked it. We had a long engagement (6 years) and him and his ex were engaged longer (8 years) neither of which got to the wedding stage, and he never discussed it really unless he was "future faking".