Page 2 | No proposal…

AllAloneInThisHouse · 09/06/2022 10:46

AllAloneInThisHouse · 09/06/2022 10:41

*now

And * does.

Goddamnit when will MN have an edit button on this site.

TedMullins · 09/06/2022 10:49

Why do you think you just have to sit and wait passively? Just tell him you want to get married and that you want to actually book a date, not just vaguely talk about it. If you’ve discussed it before why didn’t anything solid come of those conversations?

Gettingthingsdone777 · 09/06/2022 10:53

Heartandcross · 09/06/2022 07:06

So I’ve been dating my current partner for just over 5 years, we live together and also have two children. I’ve never been one to obsess over marriage or anything but lately I have been wondering whether he will ever propose!?

We Speak about marriage and it isn’t something he is against at all however I just feel like it’s just talk because nothing ever happens.

we are both getting older (obviously)but I Have always wanted to marry by 30 or early 30’s latest. I’m currently 29.

I know it’s just something to wait out but I’m becoming increasingly frustrated and quite resentful towards him and I’m now debating whether I should just forget it and if the time passes it passes and let him know I feel it’s too late now?

Totally understandable why this is bothering you, but I suggest you need to ditch the made up deadline in your head (ie married any which way by 30). It’s not romantic, and it sounds like a bit of romance and feeling cherished is what you’re really after (correct me if I’m wrong, you may just want a pragmatic legal agreement because you have a family together?).
Do you own a home together? Is he where he wants to be in his career? In my experience this is the main reason why men who otherwise love their partners wait to propose. I think they want to feel like they’ve created stability before they take the next big step. Does that fit with your experience?

Galvanisa · 09/06/2022 10:55

KettrickenSmiled · 09/06/2022 10:40

The issue is, he doesn’t want to marry her.

You don't know that.
OP doesn't know that.
Because she is passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with him, & refusing to advance her own happiness by asking for what she wants.

If he wanted to marry her- he would have proposed. That’s pretty clear.

Let’s not blame this on OP’s ‘communication issues’ and suggest she is the architect of her own misery.

CanaryWharf2 · 09/06/2022 10:57

Galvanisa · 09/06/2022 10:55

If he wanted to marry her- he would have proposed. That’s pretty clear.

Let’s not blame this on OP’s ‘communication issues’ and suggest she is the architect of her own misery.

Show quote history

The situation is symmetrical. Blaming the partner when neither of them have brought it up is ridiculous.

Plenty of men would be happy enough to get married if their partner asked them to, but not be interested enough to be the one to make the first move.

ChewOnAPickle · 09/06/2022 11:01

I'm another one saying stop waiting for the proposal, you already have children so sorry but that ship has sailed. I really don't believe that after 5 years he is suddenly going to fall down on one knee and declare his undying love for you. You should have set that expectation right from the start so he knew what you were expecting.

You need a conversation, a continuation of one that you have clearly been having. He isn't saying he is against marriage so let's assume he is on board. Now it will be a practical discussion about marriage and you need to come away from the conversation with a timeline. Once you agree that you will be married in the future you are engaged to be married.

Your conversation will help you both set out a time scale, what sort of wedding you both have in mind in terms of size, fuss and most importantly cost.

Gettingthingsdone777 · 09/06/2022 11:02

Galvanisa · 09/06/2022 10:55

If he wanted to marry her- he would have proposed. That’s pretty clear.

Let’s not blame this on OP’s ‘communication issues’ and suggest she is the architect of her own misery.

Show quote history

She’s certainly not to blame at all, but i think it’s incorrect to assume he doesn’t want to marry her! He may just have some of his own silly rules in his head, like owning a house first or getting a promotion or qualification, or maybe it’s some other mad standard people seem to put on themselves. I say this because I know quite a few men who took their sweet time proposing, but they love their wives very much and appreciate them (from what I can tell) and now that they’re married the angst about it all is completely gone.

SoupDragon · 09/06/2022 11:02

Galvanisa · 09/06/2022 10:55

If he wanted to marry her- he would have proposed. That’s pretty clear.

Let’s not blame this on OP’s ‘communication issues’ and suggest she is the architect of her own misery.

Show quote history

If she wanted to marry him she would have proposed.

it's 2022.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/06/2022 11:04

Galvanisa · 09/06/2022 10:55

If he wanted to marry her- he would have proposed. That’s pretty clear.

Let’s not blame this on OP’s ‘communication issues’ and suggest she is the architect of her own misery.

Show quote history

Oh come off it.

If OP wanted to marry him - SHE would have proposed.

If she wants to get married she needs to COMMUNICATE that fact, stop waiting for a meaningless "Proposal". So of course it's down to "communication issues".

I simply cannot understand this degree of magical thinking & engrained sexism. OP needs to stop hoping & wishing, & get asking.
If she treated it more like a practical, mutual 'next step' with the bonus of a party, & less like a scene from Waiting For Godot, she might even find he agrees - but just couldn't be arsed with the organisation or taking the initiative.

FilterWash · 09/06/2022 11:07

Why are you sitting like a mute lemon waiting to see if the man picks you or not?
Why not be a driver rather than a passenger in your own life?

TheOriginalClownfish · 09/06/2022 11:07

Galvanisa · 09/06/2022 10:55

If he wanted to marry her- he would have proposed. That’s pretty clear.

Let’s not blame this on OP’s ‘communication issues’ and suggest she is the architect of her own misery.

Show quote history

There ARE some men who are just not bothered about being married but yet do feel fully committed to their partner and their kids - but they are few and far between.

DP and myself are almost 2 decades together and have a family. But before we started trying for a baby, it was discussed and a firm commitment that we would get married was agreed. Now, even at that, it was still only a verbal agreement so I kept working full time, we agreed how finances would be shared when I was on maternity pay, and even if married I don't think I'd give up earning and become financially vulnerable with anyone. I saw how it destroyed my mother.

Lots of people thought that he just doesn't want to marry me, but that's not the case. It's simply that he sees a marriage can end easily in divorce, a mortgaged house can be sold, so those commitments can get dissolved, but if you share a child it's a lifelong commitment you can't ever (or should never) walk away from. A decade into fatherhood I can see he meant every word. We are getting married shortly to legalise our relationship, because he inherited and in order to share it with me legally it's the handiest way to do that.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/06/2022 11:12

These kinds of posts blow my mind.

You aren't dating - you have two kids and a house together!

Just get married. You've talked about it. Set a date. Literally get the calendar and say when shall we have the wedding? Be specific, take it as a given. You want to be married, it will legally protect you and is sensible for the mother in lots of ways. You've long since leapfrogged all the romantic proposal bollocks so just get it sorted.

I know it’s just something to wait out - in 2022, honestly!! Blows. My. MIND.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/06/2022 11:12

These kinds of posts blow my mind.

You aren't dating - you have two kids and a house together!

Just get married. You've talked about it. Set a date. Literally get the calendar and say when shall we have the wedding? Be specific, take it as a given. You want to be married, it will legally protect you and is sensible for the mother in lots of ways. You've long since leapfrogged all the romantic proposal bollocks so just get it sorted.

I know it’s just something to wait out - in 2022, honestly!! Blows. My. MIND.

Fuzzyhippo · 09/06/2022 15:23

I've been wondering the same. Been with mine for 7 years but no kids and don't live together. Everytime I ask (usually every few months) it's "what's the rush?" or "stop pestering me". Think that ship has long sailed now

Shoxfordian · 09/06/2022 15:26

@Fuzzyhippo
Why are you with someone who just dismisses you like that?

Fuzzyhippo · 09/06/2022 15:31

Shoxfordian · 09/06/2022 15:26

@Fuzzyhippo
Why are you with someone who just dismisses you like that?

Because I hope he'd realise I'm the right one for him and do it one day. I must be dreaming..

Shoxfordian · 09/06/2022 15:53

He’s not going to
You need to realise that the only person who can make you happy is you

layladomino · 09/06/2022 15:54

The idea of a woman waiting for a proposal is now so out of date and old fashioned (and I'm quite old!).

Why do you think that when you get married is up to him? Why does he have to propose? Why does he get to decide the route your relationship takes? Once you have children and live together there is very little romance in a proposal anyway - that ship has sailed! Any romance in a marriage proposal was around the 'surprise' that this person wants to make public their undying love, and to become a partnership and live together and maybe have children.

So you want to get married - and I completely understand why. So tell him that. He should hardly be surprised when you have children! I'd say you want to discuss dates and places, with a view to being married by the end of this year. He will either say fine, and engage positively, and you'll be happily planning a wedding, or he'll say no he doesn't want to get married. In which case you will have to decide how you feel about the fact that he doesn't want to commit to you in a way that is pubic and which protects you financially and in other legal ways.

He could give you the middle ground response which is along the lines of 'I do want to get married, of course, but not yet. Maybe we'll talk about it soon. We'll definitely set a date by the end of the year. Now isn't right because of work / money / I'm too busy with other stuff / I want to lose weight / I want to wait for the perfect place to be available / I want to do a romantic proposal and surprise you. But all those responses are the same as no.

Minimalme · 09/06/2022 15:54

Marriage is a legal agreement between two consenting adults.

Which is why I had a sensible conversation with my dh at the start of our relationship, before we moved in together and had kids.

Romance will not keep your kids housed and fed if he decides to do one op.

CanaryWharf2 · 09/06/2022 16:26

Pinkdelight3 · 09/06/2022 11:12

These kinds of posts blow my mind.

You aren't dating - you have two kids and a house together!

Just get married. You've talked about it. Set a date. Literally get the calendar and say when shall we have the wedding? Be specific, take it as a given. You want to be married, it will legally protect you and is sensible for the mother in lots of ways. You've long since leapfrogged all the romantic proposal bollocks so just get it sorted.

I know it’s just something to wait out - in 2022, honestly!! Blows. My. MIND.

I’d (naively it seems) assumed that nowadays women actually did want equality and reciprocity in terms of which partner is expected to do what, and that most rejected old-fashioned gender-based roles.

Apparently that’s not the case at all. From expecting it to be the man who proposes, through wanting the man to pay on a date and on to assuming that a mother should get custody after a split lots of women posting here really do want males and females to fill traditional places.

I’m having my eyes opened.

YRGAM · 09/06/2022 19:17

Men have no motivation to get married. In this situation especially, why would he?