So this thread may be long I'm sorry. I've just got soo much whirling around my head, heading may also be a bit misleading sorry. So I met my partner who worked for the same organisation as me (didn't meet there), around 3.5 years ago. I had older children already from a previous relationship that had ended many years ago. Because of this I had accepted when the drs had told me After my last Dds complicated pregnancy I couldn't physically have more, it was very traumatic and both me and baby were not too great after. That was until my partner who I was madly in love with I should probably add, kept raising that it makes him sad we can't have a child together. He didn't have children & it really did affect me that he would have to sacrifice that to be with me and i didn't want to think of life without him or him sacrificing not having the blessing of a child because of it. I probably should add I broke up with someone because of the same issue years ago and he did meet someone and have a child but blamed me for being stuck in a horrible relationship all for the sake that I had pushed him away so he could meet someone and have a child. He said he would have been happy not to have had any children as long as we we're together. I felt awful for lots or reasons about that. But back to partner now , I had started to look into if there was any alternative ways we could have a child together through my drs. I didn't want to get his hopes up so discussed the basics. after some blood tests that came back unexpectedly well and lots of reassurance I was informed I could try and have a consult lead pregnancy due to high risks & that all was very likely to go well given the right care. We discussed this and discussed the news which came with the blow of, I only have around a year to try as I was in the early menopause (no pressure, to process or conceive eh). We hadn't conceived after 7 months. He put it down to me not being able to conceive, and highlighted it did make him sad, when my periods would confirm I wasn't pregnant. I had the mindset that, it also wasn't looking like we would conceive naturally.
we started having difficulties in the relationship, he was great with my children & they really did like him, that's one of the things I really loved about him, including he was amazing with our 2 little doggies. Unfortunately him and my eldest dd( 20 at the time) had fallen out and it had got a bit unbearable, he also had the mindset that he shouldn't have to help with housework as it was for me and the kids to do, as none of it was his mess. I struggled with that being his family upbringing mindset (his mother apologised for that) as he lived alone before me, I had the fantasy illusion of him being a domestic god, a girl can dream.
His mindset and upbringing was so far removed from mine. His family moved around a lot due to work where mine were very grounded. He was always wanting us to move away and start a fresh somewhere, one day Yorkshire, the next Germany. I live near the sea and we're quite happy here but would move if it was a great option. when I first met him I felt he was a deeply intellectual thoughtful, very affectionate guy & I probably was in a much less stable way than I realised. I'd been a single mum for roughly 10years by this point. However, I asked him to leave due to issues with my older dd. he didn't want to leave & wanted me to help him with making the situation better. I didn't have any fight to give at this point, I felt absolutely emotionally drained due to lots of things I guess & I needed needed him to fix it all, I know way too much pressure. The 1st few days without him was fine, I felt fine about our time apart but that was when I realised that's exactly all I wanted, just some time apart. I just wanted him back & by day 6, I had just found out I was pregnant. He had gone to stay with family up north & said he was really happy when I called, I asked if we could see each other but he was putting me off. I've realised I have a terrible habit of pushing people away and then trying to pull them back. The result was I told him I was pregnant via a message. It really sucked but it's how I did it and I can't go back on that unfortunately. When he phoned he was like a different person he was screaming at me to get rid of it and how much he hated me and he'd moved on and wasn't coming back (it was 6days wth) and that I'm on my own if I keep it & that he had never said he wanted a child with me let alone want one & that I was lying about that fact.
I decided to continue with the pregnancy and she's the best thing to happen to our family and we're all absolutely in awe of her. My pregnancy was terrifying, I needed bloods taken every 2 weeks and she needed brain scans in the womb regularly and I was always terrified she wouldn't survive, I'd had 12 years of being told it wasn't possible. She was induced early and spent some time having treatment in hospital due to being born quite poorly, conceiving knowing I was putting her at risk weighed heavily me, even with all the drs reassurance, but we were in it and she's just great and An absolute blessing. Her dad would check in every so often, when I was pregnant until he would tell me how much he hates me and block me off everything. I felt so sad about it and did feel he was behaving that way because I'd hurt him and provoked him with things I'd say. I felt I was the cause of why he was having difficulty regulating his emotions. He asked to move back at one point, as he said he could only be around if we lived together. After the things he had said when he found out I was pregnant I didn't want him moving back in, I felt we had a journey to get through before that. He wasn't at the birth & it bloke my heart he didn't check in let alone be there around that time, even though I was induced earlier than he expected, I was blocked by him and his family at that point so couldn't contact him. I must add I was soo angry that his family blocked me, I had stayed at there's when visiting a couple of times but he said it was him that blocked me of all there contacts.
He decided to arrange a visit when she was around 6 months old. & had a few more visits. I thought things were going well and that it could only be positive for Dd. we talked about what a mess things are but he wanted to move on in a positive direction & me too, I still question if I said did the wrong things to cause him to stay away, he said it hurt him too much and he didn't know how to fix things. It was a journey with my elder children adjusting to him being back around. Then boom he had decided I'd been horrible and hated me and he left and didn't return for almost 7 months. zero contact, even on her 1st birthday, but did send a gift with his parents. the weird thing is I thought we were really getting on. Then one day he just knocked on the door said he'd moved back to the area, as he'd been living about 3 hours away & that he's been working on his mental health and he's here to stay and finally do everything he can to prove he's here to stay. It was such a whirlwind, I was totally swept away and yes I'm pathetic & within 2 weeks I was absolutely back in love again. The children (they are high school uni & above age) we're away and the 1st night he stayed just felt soo special, it felt like we could really move forward & actually be a family. I knew it was going too take a lot for me to let go of heartache from his absence in the pregnancy and 1st yr but our dd was bonding so beautifully with him & I am a pathetic hopeless romantic. Our first night was overshadowed by constant calls in the morning. Long story short it was a girl to say she is pregnant 😔. It's been absolutely devastating again. He is doing to her what he did to me. He said she was just a housemate in a shared house and that she thought she couldn't have children too and she's keeping it for fear of not managing to have another child. She contacted his parents (through fb) but I had inclined to them something was going on, so luckily he had told them prior to the message. He said she suffers with lots of mental health and would have a lot of difficulty managing life with a baby. I told him I don't want anything to do with him if he doesn't do the right thing & support her and the child. I was obviously devastated. When we did speak he informed me she had decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy & his only focus now is me and our dd. It's taken months of feeling like I'm on a horrible rollercoaster, and me and him just trying to move forward. I was always saying he needs to confirm for sure if she kept the baby, well a few weeks ago he has confirmed that he has been speaking with her, I was great full for his honesty and glad he had. she had decided that although she didn't want him involved she wants him to financially support the baby. He said he's ok to do that & that they are only talking to negotiate money. He said it's an issue as she believes she should receive more than me as he's in our dds life. I don't believe him and feel like he enjoys talking to her to get at me. He's started telling me about chats he has with her about me. I have always pushed for him to be involved while hes been adamant me and our dd is all he wants and has the capacity to cope with. I always knew she would keep the baby, so it's not a surprise and it's my Dd sibling an innocent baby. He has me worrying about his mental health a lot, and I tolerate a lot of things & tried not to push him into a dark place, about everything, as he doesn't deal with things well clearly, hes now says I'm manipulative and always put him in a dark place. When I feel I affect my mental health to protect his. Anyway In an argument he blurted that the other girl thinks I'm mad because I questioned him if he had been to visit her when he just went away for 2 weeks to Scotland and to visit his parents where she lives near by to them, I might add he told me while in bed he's going away it wasn't a discussion we had, hence the argument I guess, that he never considers my feelings. I felt that inconsiderate to our relationship. I don't have issues with her for thinking I'm mad, she doesn't know me or I her & I believe he plays mind games with us both now, I do have issues with him discussing our private relationship with her, especially when he says he isn't going to be in her life & she apparently doesn't want him to be in hers & it's simply about money. I actually feel an idiot hearing myself as I read this and can't believe I'm caught is an insane situation like this. I am also aware I can quite easily and happy live life without him as I've had to do that more times than I care to remember. I asked for some time out the other day and he has sent me awful messages telling me how manipulative I am and that no wonder I've never been able to keep a man. I think I've unfortunately just not made great choices and probably do have to work on myself quite a lot, I was doing just fine when he was absent for the 7 months, my issue was more about will he ever re-appear.
The current situation is he's now saying im preventing dd from having a relationship with him. This is because he's decided he doesn't want to see her at my house or have her at his & also won't take her out without me there. He wants us to meet weekly for walks (a bit of a drive away too) and coffee. I just don't want to push myself to do that, especially when the probability of rain is high and I don't have much time for this, especially as I do everything alone. I work and am a busy single mum of a toddler. He says the alternative is we be together but I feel like I have no trust and he's playing emotional games with me and this girl. He's now saying as I've been writing that he will probably be in the child's life, I am happy about that, I'm just so sick of his swapping and changing his mind and getting angry with me for addressing that. I'm sorry for all this rant, my brain is pounding. I can usually walk away so easily but the pull he has on me is quite literally soul destroying and really a bit concerning now. I'm guessing my character my get questioned here but I don't mind maybe I need some harsh truths. My family hate him (bar my children), but they don't see him just hear my stories and I do have friends who seem to promote us being together. So I'm so conflicted & he tells me I'm the problem soo much and he loves me deeply but in the next breath he hates me. I can't decide if I'm in an abusive relationship or if I'm the emotionally abusive one? ☹️