Partner has someone else's baby on the way

[Alwaystooproudtoask]

So this thread may be long I'm sorry. I've just got soo much whirling around my head, heading may also be a bit misleading sorry. So I met my partner who worked for the same organisation as me (didn't meet there), around 3.5 years ago. I had older children already from a previous relationship that had ended many years ago. Because of this I had accepted when the drs had told me After my last Dds complicated pregnancy I couldn't physically have more, it was very traumatic and both me and baby were not too great after. That was until my partner who I was madly in love with I should probably add, kept raising that it makes him sad we can't have a child together. He didn't have children & it really did affect me that he would have to sacrifice that to be with me and i didn't want to think of life without him or him sacrificing not having the blessing of a child because of it. I probably should add I broke up with someone because of the same issue years ago and he did meet someone and have a child but blamed me for being stuck in a horrible relationship all for the sake that I had pushed him away so he could meet someone and have a child. He said he would have been happy not to have had any children as long as we we're together. I felt awful for lots or reasons about that. But back to partner now , I had started to look into if there was any alternative ways we could have a child together through my drs. I didn't want to get his hopes up so discussed the basics. after some blood tests that came back unexpectedly well and lots of reassurance I was informed I could try and have a consult lead pregnancy due to high risks & that all was very likely to go well given the right care. We discussed this and discussed the news which came with the blow of, I only have around a year to try as I was in the early menopause (no pressure, to process or conceive eh). We hadn't conceived after 7 months. He put it down to me not being able to conceive, and highlighted it did make him sad, when my periods would confirm I wasn't pregnant. I had the mindset that, it also wasn't looking like we would conceive naturally.
we started having difficulties in the relationship, he was great with my children & they really did like him, that's one of the things I really loved about him, including he was amazing with our 2 little doggies. Unfortunately him and my eldest dd( 20 at the time) had fallen out and it had got a bit unbearable, he also had the mindset that he shouldn't have to help with housework as it was for me and the kids to do, as none of it was his mess. I struggled with that being his family upbringing mindset (his mother apologised for that) as he lived alone before me, I had the fantasy illusion of him being a domestic god, a girl can dream.
His mindset and upbringing was so far removed from mine. His family moved around a lot due to work where mine were very grounded. He was always wanting us to move away and start a fresh somewhere, one day Yorkshire, the next Germany. I live near the sea and we're quite happy here but would move if it was a great option. when I first met him I felt he was a deeply intellectual thoughtful, very affectionate guy & I probably was in a much less stable way than I realised. I'd been a single mum for roughly 10years by this point. However, I asked him to leave due to issues with my older dd. he didn't want to leave & wanted me to help him with making the situation better. I didn't have any fight to give at this point, I felt absolutely emotionally drained due to lots of things I guess & I needed needed him to fix it all, I know way too much pressure. The 1st few days without him was fine, I felt fine about our time apart but that was when I realised that's exactly all I wanted, just some time apart. I just wanted him back & by day 6, I had just found out I was pregnant. He had gone to stay with family up north & said he was really happy when I called, I asked if we could see each other but he was putting me off. I've realised I have a terrible habit of pushing people away and then trying to pull them back. The result was I told him I was pregnant via a message. It really sucked but it's how I did it and I can't go back on that unfortunately. When he phoned he was like a different person he was screaming at me to get rid of it and how much he hated me and he'd moved on and wasn't coming back (it was 6days wth) and that I'm on my own if I keep it & that he had never said he wanted a child with me let alone want one & that I was lying about that fact.

I decided to continue with the pregnancy and she's the best thing to happen to our family and we're all absolutely in awe of her. My pregnancy was terrifying, I needed bloods taken every 2 weeks and she needed brain scans in the womb regularly and I was always terrified she wouldn't survive, I'd had 12 years of being told it wasn't possible. She was induced early and spent some time having treatment in hospital due to being born quite poorly, conceiving knowing I was putting her at risk weighed heavily me, even with all the drs reassurance, but we were in it and she's just great and An absolute blessing. Her dad would check in every so often, when I was pregnant until he would tell me how much he hates me and block me off everything. I felt so sad about it and did feel he was behaving that way because I'd hurt him and provoked him with things I'd say. I felt I was the cause of why he was having difficulty regulating his emotions. He asked to move back at one point, as he said he could only be around if we lived together. After the things he had said when he found out I was pregnant I didn't want him moving back in, I felt we had a journey to get through before that. He wasn't at the birth & it bloke my heart he didn't check in let alone be there around that time, even though I was induced earlier than he expected, I was blocked by him and his family at that point so couldn't contact him. I must add I was soo angry that his family blocked me, I had stayed at there's when visiting a couple of times but he said it was him that blocked me of all there contacts.
He decided to arrange a visit when she was around 6 months old. & had a few more visits. I thought things were going well and that it could only be positive for Dd. we talked about what a mess things are but he wanted to move on in a positive direction & me too, I still question if I said did the wrong things to cause him to stay away, he said it hurt him too much and he didn't know how to fix things. It was a journey with my elder children adjusting to him being back around. Then boom he had decided I'd been horrible and hated me and he left and didn't return for almost 7 months. zero contact, even on her 1st birthday, but did send a gift with his parents. the weird thing is I thought we were really getting on. Then one day he just knocked on the door said he'd moved back to the area, as he'd been living about 3 hours away & that he's been working on his mental health and he's here to stay and finally do everything he can to prove he's here to stay. It was such a whirlwind, I was totally swept away and yes I'm pathetic & within 2 weeks I was absolutely back in love again. The children (they are high school uni & above age) we're away and the 1st night he stayed just felt soo special, it felt like we could really move forward & actually be a family. I knew it was going too take a lot for me to let go of heartache from his absence in the pregnancy and 1st yr but our dd was bonding so beautifully with him & I am a pathetic hopeless romantic. Our first night was overshadowed by constant calls in the morning. Long story short it was a girl to say she is pregnant 😔. It's been absolutely devastating again. He is doing to her what he did to me. He said she was just a housemate in a shared house and that she thought she couldn't have children too and she's keeping it for fear of not managing to have another child. She contacted his parents (through fb) but I had inclined to them something was going on, so luckily he had told them prior to the message. He said she suffers with lots of mental health and would have a lot of difficulty managing life with a baby. I told him I don't want anything to do with him if he doesn't do the right thing & support her and the child. I was obviously devastated. When we did speak he informed me she had decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy & his only focus now is me and our dd. It's taken months of feeling like I'm on a horrible rollercoaster, and me and him just trying to move forward. I was always saying he needs to confirm for sure if she kept the baby, well a few weeks ago he has confirmed that he has been speaking with her, I was great full for his honesty and glad he had. she had decided that although she didn't want him involved she wants him to financially support the baby. He said he's ok to do that & that they are only talking to negotiate money. He said it's an issue as she believes she should receive more than me as he's in our dds life. I don't believe him and feel like he enjoys talking to her to get at me. He's started telling me about chats he has with her about me. I have always pushed for him to be involved while hes been adamant me and our dd is all he wants and has the capacity to cope with. I always knew she would keep the baby, so it's not a surprise and it's my Dd sibling an innocent baby. He has me worrying about his mental health a lot, and I tolerate a lot of things & tried not to push him into a dark place, about everything, as he doesn't deal with things well clearly, hes now says I'm manipulative and always put him in a dark place. When I feel I affect my mental health to protect his. Anyway In an argument he blurted that the other girl thinks I'm mad because I questioned him if he had been to visit her when he just went away for 2 weeks to Scotland and to visit his parents where she lives near by to them, I might add he told me while in bed he's going away it wasn't a discussion we had, hence the argument I guess, that he never considers my feelings. I felt that inconsiderate to our relationship. I don't have issues with her for thinking I'm mad, she doesn't know me or I her & I believe he plays mind games with us both now, I do have issues with him discussing our private relationship with her, especially when he says he isn't going to be in her life & she apparently doesn't want him to be in hers & it's simply about money. I actually feel an idiot hearing myself as I read this and can't believe I'm caught is an insane situation like this. I am also aware I can quite easily and happy live life without him as I've had to do that more times than I care to remember. I asked for some time out the other day and he has sent me awful messages telling me how manipulative I am and that no wonder I've never been able to keep a man. I think I've unfortunately just not made great choices and probably do have to work on myself quite a lot, I was doing just fine when he was absent for the 7 months, my issue was more about will he ever re-appear.

The current situation is he's now saying im preventing dd from having a relationship with him. This is because he's decided he doesn't want to see her at my house or have her at his & also won't take her out without me there. He wants us to meet weekly for walks (a bit of a drive away too) and coffee. I just don't want to push myself to do that, especially when the probability of rain is high and I don't have much time for this, especially as I do everything alone. I work and am a busy single mum of a toddler. He says the alternative is we be together but I feel like I have no trust and he's playing emotional games with me and this girl. He's now saying as I've been writing that he will probably be in the child's life, I am happy about that, I'm just so sick of his swapping and changing his mind and getting angry with me for addressing that. I'm sorry for all this rant, my brain is pounding. I can usually walk away so easily but the pull he has on me is quite literally soul destroying and really a bit concerning now. I'm guessing my character my get questioned here but I don't mind maybe I need some harsh truths. My family hate him (bar my children), but they don't see him just hear my stories and I do have friends who seem to promote us being together. So I'm so conflicted & he tells me I'm the problem soo much and he loves me deeply but in the next breath he hates me. I can't decide if I'm in an abusive relationship or if I'm the emotionally abusive one? ☹️

I think the minute he told you he hates you should have been the last time you engaged with him in anything other than as a coparent (and even then..). This sounds like the epitome of a dysfunctional, chaotic relationship. It can't be good for you, the children or probably him.

You need to raise your standards. Or your DCs will repeat the cycle of abusive relationships. This guy sounds like a massive wanker TBH.

What an absolute psycho. That's restraining order territory, not a relationship.

Oh dear OP. Not sure you’ll be back but I can only echo what everyone else is saying. This is horrifying to read, for your children’s sakes.

There is nothing whatsoever ‘romantic’ about allowing yourself to be treated like dog shit. You really need to open your eyes and see this for what it is. You’re not a hopeless romantic, not at all. If you were, you wouldn’t have entertained any of his nonsense and would have held out for an actually decent man. Bluntly, I think you’re confusing ‘hopeless romantic’ with ‘desperate’. Sorry to be rude but I think you need a short sharp shock and I hope these replies are doing that. Please, think long and hard about your poor children in this.

He is a shit partner, a shit dad and a shit stepdad.

You, on the other hand, sound lovely. You will manage so much better without this total waste of space holding you back. Get rid.

OP go on YouTube and learn about unhealthy relationships, manipulative and narcissistic men, establishing healthy relationships, the importance of boundaries etc. Also learn about trauma bonding en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding. The way he is manipulating you by coming back into your life and establishing a sexual relationship, and then belittling and abusing you, before then coming back into your life, affects your ability to keep away from him. You almost feel dependent on him and helpless to resist him.

This is probably exacerbated by your past relationships, probably back to childhood, which makes you vulnerable to these kind of men.

As others have said, he is not healthy for you or your children. He's a terrible role model and not a loving or caring person. Another book to read is 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Plus you can do the Freedom Programme to learn about these kind of men and why you're attracted to them.

There is nothing good about this man.

OP the more I read of your post, the more horrified I felt. He is an abuser.

You talk about a previous relationship that broke down because you couldn’t give what that partner wanted.

From what you have said, it sounds like you have low self esteem and are a people pleaser. You may benefit from doing the Freedom Course which helps you to recognise abusive relationships and how to become stronger as a person to avoid these types of relationships.

i hope that for your sake and that of your children, you can find the strength within yourself to step away from this toxic man and build a better future where you feel secure and confident in your abilities without feeling you have to pleased others.

Get rid of him and find yourself some therapy to explore the myriad dysfunctional relationships that you have found yourself in.
It’s important for you and even more so to prevent your children playing this out into a new generation.

Your title calls him your partner but he isn't - he's a poor excuse for a man and father and the only one with any sense here is your 20yo daughter. Stop putting up with this shit behaviour.

He sounds like an awful man.
im willing to bet you didn’t have a great childhood and that’s why you put up with his treatment if you?
I think you need to get some sort of therapy to help you get rid of him for good.
you will never have that romantic loving relationship you want with that man.

OP I know you can't see it but you're in a very abusive relationship, you need to speak to a counsellor and look up the freedom programme.
I know it's hard but you'll be so so glad you did.

This man truly is awful, you know that which is why you've asked MN for help. Every person on here so far is telling you the same thing and by the end of today you'll no doubt get dozens more messages telling you the same thing. Listen xx

Reading this made my skin crawl. He sounds DEEPLY unpleasant and I have absolutely no idea how you can let him through the front door, let alone have him in your bed. I would imagine that you have ruined your other children's lives with all of this carry on. He sounds like an abusive, mentally unstable man who hates women. Why are you so desperate to have a man, any man, that you would accept this absolute shit show? To your other children's detriment no less. He brings nothing of any value to the table, however he does bring a shit tonne of drama and nastiness.

You don't owe every man you meet a baby

When I met my DH, I was 38 with an 11 and 9 year old. He was 35 with no children. I told him at the start that I would not be having any more children and he accepted that.

Why did you feel that you had to gift this man a baby?? Why?

Anyway, what's done is done, but for the love of all that is holy, try to make amends now and get rid of him. Run and never look back.

You told him to leave before.

That was the right decision then - and still is.

I think your instincts have been right at numerous times throughout all this, just you don't believe in yourself enough.

Please work on trusting your instincts! and get rid of the arsehole

That’s a very long post and bits aren’t clear.
What is clear is that this man is a complete Dick and you and your dc would be much better off without him

Op, please read @Portiasparty Post.

I suspect you needed to write the post in such detail as you're dealing with trauma from the relationship so having to rehash the relationship trying to make sense of it.

You can't make sense of an abusive/toxic relationship. It is rational so will never make sense.

This isn't a love story, he lovebombs, then devalues you before a discard. It's a cycle which he will repeat if you engage with him.

It's not your fault. He is awful. He behaves appallingly. He treats people appallingly. None of that is your fault.

Please focus on your children and do some work on your self esteem.

(I only read about two thirds. The paragraphs got too long).

He's a lazy, entitled, lying, gaslighting, serial shagger.... is he Boris?

You're asking yourself if you're the problem but you also say "I was doing just fine when he was absent for the 7 months" - there's your answer. He is the problem. He will bring you nothing but misery. Block him on everything, facilitate your DD having a relationship with him if he chooses to bother to seek an order, and leave it there.

And use the time that you're not spending obeying his orders to drive over for walks and coffee to get some counselling for your self esteem and boundaries.

Run! he sounds like a shit father and a terrible partner, let the other girl have him, she'll soon regret it!

Firstly he is not your partner.
secondly he sounds genuinely unhinged you need to get rid of this fucking idiot, your daughter does not deserve this. Goodness knows what the older children really think. Not one person on this thread is said what a jolly nice man he sounds you should definitely work at this relationship so hopefully given its unanimous and you’ll take that on board.

Focus on your children. Your baby daughter is the one good thing to come out of this.

Get rid of him. You need to set the bar higher for yourself. Hes a selfish and abusive. No one that really loves will say they hate you.

I’m another one having a problem with the wall of text I’m afraid. Let me get this straight. He didn’t help around the house - despite the fact that he lived there, he was such an angel he didn’t make any mess at all ? (Don’t get me started on mothers who bring up their sons to expect their wives to be housemaids !!).

He whined about not being able to have a baby with you and then behaved like an utter twat towards you after you made an enormous effort for him and ended up with a successful pregnancy. By the time you found out you were pregnant he’d moved out for all of six days, which was enough to convince him that he hated you and wanted nothing more to do with you - and wanted you to get rid of the baby. He and his family blocked you.

He doesn’t contact you again until his dd is six months old and when he rocks up on your doorstep he’s had a relationship with another woman who is now pregnant with his child. He told you she wasn’t keeping the baby and that he had no contact with her. Now he says he is talking to her and she is keeping the baby, but wants nothing but financial help from him. He’s also whining because he feels you don’t allow him the relationship he wants with her, on the terms he’s dictating to you.

Is that about right ? Because if it is, I don’t understand why you don’t realise you’re in a horribly abusive relationship. Maybe you do, and you’re in denial. Your family hate him - that’s understandable because they’ve watched him manipulate you until you’re so confused that you don’t know which way to turn. Your friends love him though. My question is this - are you telling your family and your friends two different sets of stories ? My advice is, start listening to your family and get new friends. I think this man has serious MH issues and he’s projecting them onto you. He wants to have his cake and eat it, and if you continue with the relationship you’ll end up with serious MH issues of your own because you’ll never be able to trust that he’s telling you the truth about anything, you’ll find arguments continually blowing up over nothing, because that’s just who he is, and you’ll live your life wondering every time he leaves the house, whether he’s actually coming back.

There’s a saying which I think is really appropriate here. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He’s shown you who he is very clearly, and he’s clearly an entitled arsehole with no regard for anyone else but himself. Get rid and get on with your life - you deserve better.

Sorry - the last line of paragraph 3 should have read ‘He’s also whining because he feels you don’t allow him the relationship he wants with your dd, on the terms he’s dictating to you.’