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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flag? Dating

47 replies

Mellowyellow222 · 08/06/2022 22:39

I have been on a few dates with a nice man. We knew each other through friends years ago - bumped into each other a few weeks ago and have been out on a few dates. Both now in our forties.

We went for a walk this evening and so he collected me - first time seeing my house. During the walk he kept quizzing me about whether I rent or own - how I afford my house - how much my mortgage is - and even asked if my parents helped me buy it!

he made me feel really uncomfortable- I laughed it off and in the end said I didn’t want to talk about my finances. He dropped me home and has texted about going out again.

my gut instinct is to say no - he was trying to be subtle with his questioning but I am
worried that at worst he has an issue with women earning more than him and at best he has no social skills and is just really nosey!

friends have told me the reason I am single is I write men off too easily and I know my friends would tell me to give him another chance.

But this is a big turn off for me. Am I being too harsh?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 22:43

I am worried that at worst he has an issue with women earning more than him and at best he has no social skills and is just really nosey

You wouldn't have worries with a compatible partner. Or this:

he made me feel really uncomfortable

If you even have to ask 'Is this a red flag?' then the person isn't right for you. Questions like that don't arise in healthy relationships.

QuiteFranklin · 08/06/2022 22:43

You said you’ve been in a few dates already… what are the things that have made you want to keep spending time with him until now?

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 22:43

Am I being too harsh

Who makes the rules about how harsh you ought to be? What guidelines do you think we have access to that you don't?

FlissyPaps · 08/06/2022 22:44

I wouldn’t put it as a massive red flag. It does sound quite invasive and would make me a bit uncomfortable too. But I wouldn’t let it rule out any future dates.

If you enjoy his company and like him then go for it and see him again.

PetersRabbitt · 08/06/2022 22:45

I’d ask questions like that but only out of interest if I’m impressed by someone. ( I do ask inappropriate questions though, but don’t know they are until someone tells me so, I have firm for it!)

I don’t see it as a red flag but probably not the best judge of character

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 08/06/2022 22:47

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 22:43

Am I being too harsh

Who makes the rules about how harsh you ought to be? What guidelines do you think we have access to that you don't?

Just wanted a chat about it. Feel free not to join in😊

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 08/06/2022 22:47

This would put me off massively as well. It's absolutely none of his business how much your mortgage is or how you pay it!

Please don't listen to your friends, listen to your gut.

CrumpetStrumpet · 08/06/2022 22:50

I would worry about dating anyone who had such a poor grasp of social convention. Its simply not acceptable to ask someone you barely know the ins and outs of their home ownership. I'd be concerned about how else his lack of understanding of such things would manifest later on.

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 08/06/2022 22:51

I think I will sleep in it.

it’s hard to explain - I just felt he was almost annoyed about my house. Like it made him look at me differently. Maybe I am being overly sensitive.

I hadn’t made up my mind about him - I find him attractive but not sure if there is anything more to the attraction than physical. Tonight left me feeling a bit weird about the whole thing.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 08/06/2022 22:51

Wouldn't bother me if you had already been on a few dates, it's important to see if you're financially compatible

Lonelybanna · 08/06/2022 22:54

He sounds quite forward. Those are personal questions to be asking anyone, especially after a few, dates. He may be lacking in social skills though or very cheeky. I would give him a wide berth if it were me. I think he overstepped especially this early in seeing each other. Cast your net again OP!!!

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 08/06/2022 22:57

MissSmiley · 08/06/2022 22:51

Wouldn't bother me if you had already been on a few dates, it's important to see if you're financially compatible

Okay - that’s interesting.

what do you mean by financially compatible, and how would you assess it?

for me I just want someone who isn’t in a lot of debt, who has a steady job and who is a grown up.

he seemed more focused on how much I have, how much I earn, how much my mortgage is etc etc. I wouldn’t have asked those questions this early This was date number three.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 22:57

Mellowyellow222 · 08/06/2022 22:47

Just wanted a chat about it. Feel free not to join in😊

Show quote history

Yes, you wanted to chat, so I asked you some questions to see if it'd help you get to the bottom of your thought processing.

How rude a response.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2022 22:58

Why on earth would you continue to date someone who made you uncomfortable? His questions were totally inappropriate, absolutely none of his business, and a MASSIVE red flag in my opinion. Who does this, honestly? No one with any manners or common sense. I would definitely be suspicious of him.

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 08/06/2022 22:59

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 22:57

Yes, you wanted to chat, so I asked you some questions to see if it'd help you get to the bottom of your thought processing.

How rude a response.

Show quote history

Sorry didn’t mean to be rude. Just don’t want an argument which is why I posted on relationships

i know people Don’t have access to guidelines that I don’t - a I said just want a friendly chat.

thanks

OP posts:
Maytodecember · 08/06/2022 23:04

Seems very inappropriate questioning to me. And would make me wonder why he was so interested in my finances.
Ignore your friends comments and trust your gut feeling.

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 23:07

I don't know why you'd think that someone asking you questions about your post/about how you feel was trying to have an argument with you.

Lots of people keep dating/having a relationship with people who make them feel bad because they feel they need to be 'doing it right', rather than following what they feel. I used to do this. I used to stay in relationships that feel like the one you're in now.

If he's turned you off, he's turned you off. There's no rights or wrongs. Just don't date people who turn you off.

HollowTalk · 08/06/2022 23:11

I would be really put off by this. The thing is that you need to trust your instincts. You felt very uncomfortable with him at a point where you should be feeling ultra-comfortable with him.

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 08/06/2022 23:12

@Watchkeys i clearly misinterpreted your original post and I apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 08/06/2022 23:15

Thanks everyone.

i don’t want to see him again so I will reply in the morning.

i was talking myself round in circles - at my age I should give things more if a try! But my instinct is he isn’t right for me - so I am going with my gut!

good night and thanks for the chat

OP posts:
Silvercurtains · 08/06/2022 23:18

always trust your gut when dating

asking someone if they own their own home, fair enough.
asking how much they make per month, if their parents helped pay the deposit, what the monthly mortgage payments are etc. is completely inappropriate and none of his business on a third date.

I think he may be looking for a woman he can leech off.
What does it matter if your parents paid the deposit?
unless he’s hoping the house will be in his name one day and he doesn’t want anyone else having claim to it.

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 23:19

@Mellowyellow222

No problem Flowers

Maybe I am being overly sensitive

There's no rules about this either. You are the exact right amount of sensitive for you. There is no 'correct' level, so you can't be 'over' it. When you try to surpress or ignore your own sensitivities, you surpress and ignore your true self.

Trust your instincts, don't disrespect them.

justforthisnow · 08/06/2022 23:26

Lose him, I would think. Why would any date focus on your house/mortgage unless he is clearly digging to see how much you earn etc.

Forestgate · 08/06/2022 23:29

I just want to know what's your house like!??! Intrigued- is it a mansion?

(Misses the point of the thread)😁

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 08/06/2022 23:38

Forestgate · 08/06/2022 23:29

I just want to know what's your house like!??! Intrigued- is it a mansion?

(Misses the point of the thread)😁

Not a mansion at all. But a nice house in a pretty expensive area. He knew me when I bought my first place twenty years ago. I think he thought I was still there. I have moved a few times and this latest house was a big step up for me!

I love it and am quite proud I did it on my own.

OP posts: