Red flag? Dating

[Mellowyellow222]

I have been on a few dates with a nice man. We knew each other through friends years ago - bumped into each other a few weeks ago and have been out on a few dates. Both now in our forties.

We went for a walk this evening and so he collected me - first time seeing my house. During the walk he kept quizzing me about whether I rent or own - how I afford my house - how much my mortgage is - and even asked if my parents helped me buy it!

he made me feel really uncomfortable- I laughed it off and in the end said I didn’t want to talk about my finances. He dropped me home and has texted about going out again.

my gut instinct is to say no - he was trying to be subtle with his questioning but I am
worried that at worst he has an issue with women earning more than him and at best he has no social skills and is just really nosey!

friends have told me the reason I am single is I write men off too easily and I know my friends would tell me to give him another chance.

But this is a big turn off for me. Am I being too harsh?

I think I'd be tempted to answer his questions with questions back when they got a bit much - which clearly his did. Where does he live? Rented or owned ? Turn the subject back on him, then you perhaps find out why he's asking such invasive questions, or watch him squirm as and feel as uncomfortable as he made you. You have him assessed about right though, quite inappropriate questions at that stage and does show poor social skills if he can't see that.

I think you sensing that he felt annoyed is the biggest red flag about it. Trust your gut on those things cause its telling you that for a reason.

Maybe he is the narcissistic sort who doesn't like people doing better than him at anything. Or maybe he was hoping you'd not be very well off so that he could make you dependent on him quickly.

Good ppl don't tend to make you feel they are contemptuous or jealous of you. And if someone isn't at the bare minimum someone who feels yo you like a good human being, then they shouldn't have any place in your life.

I think women think they are being overly sensitive when it’s just their instinct kicking in.

Run.

Men who ask questions like this and seem put out will always have an inferiority chip on their shoulder. Not worth the hassle. Well done on spotting the red flag. Unless you're in a relationship, no one needs to know how you afforded the house and how much your mortgage is! Knowing you own is enough.

@Mellowyellow222 by financially compatible I mean you have a similar attitude to money for instance I dated a well paid professional guy who rented his house and drove a hire car when we met, after a few months he admitted to some debt and then further down the line the debt turned out to be four times as big.

Those kinds of financial issues from someone with a very good salary are not compatible with how I want to live my life, the debt would be too stressful for me.

I'm now dating someone new and I was keen to find out quite early on the basics of his attitude towards money, he's frugal like me and a saver, which is good for me, but I fully appreciate your date might have made you feel uncomfortable and he could indeed have a hidden motive. Go with your instincts but it's not something I personally would want to find out much further down the line

I'd question his set up, assess his agenda and then decide on what level his curiosity is based.
I'd probably dump him anyway for being so crass. 🤦

Inappropriate to ask those questions. I know you’ve said you won’t see him again, but what’s his financial situation? Is he settled, own house, stable job etc or are there big economic differences between you? If the latter, the questions would be even more concerning.

Asking "if your parents helped you buy it" on a third date is way out of line. It none of his fucking business what, if any, financial arrangements you have with your parents.

He's probably trying to work out if he wooed and married you how much of a house he would be entitled to when you divorced.

Far too interested in your money and assets far too soon for my liking. It took me almost a year until I told my then boyfriend, now husband, that I had enough in a savings account for a deposit. It was fuck all to do with him until things had progressed to basically buying a place together maybe. His reaction "relief" he could afford the mortgage but he had no idea how we could get a deposit together. He was the furthest thing from "hurt or insulted".

So yes too much, not even too soon, but too soon as well in this case, but just too much.

So no OP you are not being daft to be a little wary, if you decide to see him again and all this comes up again I would look him in the eye and tell him straight "look my home and how it is financed is fuck all to do with you. Do you understand"

Relationship getting to a stage of co-inhabiting then yes fine honesty, which would include protecting your assets in this case, fine. 3rd date, nah!

I think that level of questioning was intrusive and rude and wouldn’t see him again. And I wouldn’t give the reason - it will only lead to bad feeling.

I think that it is reasonable to want to know if someone is financially on their feet, but an interrogation is not an appropriate way to do this.

Go with your gut instinct and get rid of this one. He sounds like he is either way too interested in money or he has an inferiority complex about you being able to afford a better home than his and successful women in general.

In some cultures it’s perfectly acceptable. I was going to ask whether he was born here.

Trust your gut.

For me also it would be way too early to have that discussion and offensive to ask question after question.

I am wondering if he disclosed his own financial situation first before asking these questions?!?!

To answer a few questions - he was born here, no cultural differences.

I have no idea about his personal finances. Not sure if he owns or rents - and to be honest hadn’t even thought about it until the quiz started!!

Rough idea from his job that I would earn more - but don’t know the ins and outs.

Well in that case he’s all wrong for you. There’s a fundamental difference between what you and he consider appropriate and undoubtedly it will keep coming up.

He knew me when I bought my first place twenty years ago. I think he thought I was still there. I have moved a few times and this latest house was a big step up for me!

Your instincts are right. Ditch him. From his questioning I'm hearing, 'done well for yourself haven't you ?' So, how have you paid for it ? Money from parents/divorce settlement/inheritance/win ? Or do you not even own it, i.e. rented ? Mortgage must be huge if you do. How do you afford the repayments or are you in default and want some mug to bail you out ?

My scepticism thinks he could be thinking, 'well, I don't fancy you that much but you've done well and seeing as you own your nice house in a good area I wouldn't mind seeing you again.'

Or he's just damn nosey and clumsy and selfish too boot.

I honestly think anything that makes you question a relationship or dating you should listen to. Doesn't even need to be 'red flag' material It can just be anything behaviour wise that might not sit right with yourself.

On the surface what he did was nothing extreme but if it makes you uncomfortable then I wouldn't carry on dating.

Women are always being told that we're too choosy just because we listen to our gut or have expectations of decent behaviour.

Straight away I thought, he is working out your inheritance and financial worth. Eg are you worth pursuing, I don't know what a male gold digger is called, but that.
I hope you have binned him off.

The ONLY people whose mortgage size I know anything about (besides me and DH) is my BFF who I have been friends with for 30 years. We have a mutually supportive relationship and also often share advice and opinions on financial matters. When I was very close to my sister and we were younger, we had a good sense of each other's mortgages too but things have changed.

I honestly can't imagine asking a random person how much they pay and how they afford it. I mean, often through general chit chat you get a sense of things, but that's usually over time and just because you're chatting. And it's certainly not detailed.

Bizarre.

At best, he's not someone who handles social conventions in a similar way to you so I'm not sure this relationship has legs.

Is he foreign? My friends from abroad are very open when talking about finances, and would think nothing of asking me how much my place is worth. It doesn't tend to go down well with us Brits!
Anyway, he has made you uncomfortable, which is the main thing here.

He's jealous of you doing well, probably feels insecure. Never a good sign. He'll want you in an inferior position to him hence asking about parental help etc...deeply unattractive. He won't support your job or aspirations. Bin this one OP.

Don't know about red flags but he sounds like a rude, boring tosser.

I think he was being competitive 🙄. The comment about your parents buying the house 🙄🙄.