Stay or leave

[Eh97]

My fiancé and I have been together about 3years…. We’ve haven’t always had the best of times- in all honesty.

we’ve been through couples therapy but he is still verbally nasty (calling me all sort of names) and he breaks / damages my belongs (three pairs of daily glasses, multiple phones, clothes- sometimes whilst they’re on me and my bedside cabinet at my mums. To name but a few).

I’m going through therapy, but my therapist cut my session the other day short as my fiancé kept walking in and trying to continue the argument that we had before. I had to nip to my mums as I had a parcel delivered so I had to pick it up and said I’m going to mums, so he thought I was staying there and having dinner (not the case). I went home and started sorting my dinner out as he’d done his own-for once! And he refused to let me use the oven and proceeded to wipe his hands over my mushroom, telling me his hands were dirty. I threw the mushroom at him as I was at my wits end as we’d argued the night before too! He grabbed me by my T-shirt and forced me to take the rubbish bags to the bin, he then locked me out and deliberately took his keys from the kitchen side to put them in the door so my keys wouldn’t work from the outside.

He goes through my phone and won’t let me socialise with my mates as there would have been males there

Why are you with him?

This is an abusive relationship. You know that surely? What does your mum and therapist think ?

Leave today. Change therapist. Reboot your life. You deserve so much more than this violent, abusive man.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
I told the couple’s therapist everything, we spoke about me still being on very good/close terms with my childhood ex (we broke up when we were 15 and he reached out when we were about 20/21) at the very beginning of the relationship (for about a month and a bit before things became more serious between fiancé and I).

one session I’m pretty sure we spoke about him going through my emails to my work union rep. This email account I use, I don’t really email from so of course it looked like I sent him loads of emails when realistically it was a few back-and-fourths. Fiancé accused me of sleeping with him (or wanting to) and told me to stop talking to him about a work situation. He had my phone and laid on the bed with it, so I “pounced” on him to get it back as he was trying to forward my emails to his emails, yet he knew the situation etc.
he stood up and bit my arm and now I’ve been left with a scar… I phoned 111 to see what should I do (and it get it logged) despite being first aid trained😅 and they asked how it happened (and if I had been assaulted) and as I was on loudspeaker in front of him, i had to say it happened as I was playing with someone.

Therapist didn’t really care and brushed his behaviour under the carpet in all honesty, she was more interested in me and having a 10/20min tidy up of my makeup stuff when I get home from work- in the morning I rush about so tend to leave my makeupbag and mirror out

ill just have to get a £35 Uber to my mum’s, the less people involved the better really

Just go before he seriously physically assaults you. Or worse.

@Regularsizedrudy

that’s exactly what a close male friend said when I spoke to him on my mum’s phone…

don’t think I want to admit failure nor see the truth because of the unknown of afterwards

Mum hates how he speaks to me and his older sisters have clocked onto how he speaks to me.
My current therapist has asked if I’m said and I’ve said yes as I don’t want him getting into trouble especially where he’s job requires a DBS. But then I’ve scratched him as he grabbed my face, so I’m no better- truth be known

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I’m using my phone but via the Google app (on secret mode) because he knows I spend time reading the news articles that come up

@Knackeredmommy because I love him and his a great person at times

This is not normal or in any way acceptable....why on earth are you with him he is abusive?

Do you know that feeling you have for him, isn't love, it's addiction. He is really really bad for you just in the same way alcohol is for some people. You need to stop all contact with him and be very strong so that you don't get back with him. Yes, spend money and go to your mum's. The most important thing is that you don't let him persuade you to go back. Read what you've said here. He is absolutely awful.

There is no evidence of his greatness in what you have written.

Wake up, this man might kill you one day. I am not being melodramatic, it happens and he is abusive and has shown violence.

"I don’t think I want to admit failure nor see the truth because of the unknown of afterwards"

What happened here to you to think the above, let alone believe this?.

You have not failed here in a relationship; he has. Whatever gave you that idea?. This is all the sunk costs fallacy and that also keeps people in poor relationships. You need Womens Aid here, not this therapist either.

He's messed up because he has and continues to abuse you. Why are you denying your own truth here?. The truth also will see you free. What is so scary about the unknown too; embrace it rather than fear it. If a friend was writing this what would your advice be?

He will continue to abuse you both physically and emotionally if you stay with him. There is no other outcome. This is not love (I do not think that anyone's ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is like) and you are likely to be codependent in relationships (you are confusing love with codependency here as well as being addicted to the constant highs and lows).

Your wanting to protect him (i.e not getting into trouble because his job requires a DBS) is enabling him and only gives you a false sense of control. He is not more important than your own safety here and you are not safe in any way with this man. If he grabbed your face your reaction from that was purely one of self defence. Acting in self defence does not make you as bad as him; again what happened to you here to believe this?. Why are your boundaries in relationships actually this poor that this person was allowed into your life?.

What is the longest period of time you've ever been single?. You do not need a man to validate your very existence.

Denial is a powerful force OP: you know deep down he is not a great person at all.

Don't even know why you're asking. Leave. Immediately
This man is abusive and it will only escalate. I hope you have a way out, please make sure you have loved ones who know you're going to try and leave and when women leave there's a higher chance of more violence....

You've been with him three years- can you imagine this for the rest of your life?
Three years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. You can be with someone so much better and worthy. Good luck

I thought the same!

He sound vile! Leave! Why would you consider letting some one treat you like that. He's abusing you. Surely the therapist can see that.

Please phone Women's Aid now. This is not healthy and you will never be happy. This man has no respect for you and thinks you are an object that belongs to him. Please please do not get pregnant by him as its highly likely he will become physically abusive whilst you are pregnant.

What did the police do? Did they arrest him for running off with your phone? That is theft. Did they take him away when the neighbour reported you to the police?

Please get away from this man, he may well end up killing you.

Phone Women's Aid or your local Domestic Abuse Services or Citizens Advice Bureau. Look at FLOW if you need a Legal Aid Solicitor. There is help out there if you ask. Speak to your GP, they can refer you for counselling to work on your self esteem and find out why you are willing to be treated like this. Do the Freedom Programme.

Your life will be so much better without this man in it.

None of that is acceptable and is very dangerous. You should 100% leave. You should in no way bring children into that relationship. You should not be there yourself, he is a dangerous person who is escalating towards violence towards you.

He sound vile! Leave! Why would you consider letting some one treat you like that. He's abusing you. Surely the therapist can see that.

How does he react when you find he's broken your stuff, does he pretend it was an accident? If a BF of mine destroyed a bedroom cabinet in my parents house my dad would be kicking him out of the door and my mum would insist I never see him again. Can you stay at your mums while you look for somewhere to live.

I escaped this recently, I tolerated years of this kind of treatment before I finally worked up the courage to just grab my dog and my most valued possessions and drive off for ever, countless times I'd come close to leaving but every time I convinced myself that it might get better if I persevered, unfortunately it never did...because alas...it never does...I endured this for fifteen years. I'm begging you, please, take steps to leave and make a new life for yourself, you have the right to be happy and to be treated with love and respect, don't make the same mistake I made.

@BridgesofMadisonfan @Allthecheeseplease my therapist just ended the conversation. He asked if I was safe and left it at that really, just offering me face-to-face sessions.

@Bananalanacake it’s his place and name on the tenancy. I’ve only just gone on the Council Tax- yet I’ve been living and paying for things since I got my second pay (as I was self employed for a while). It’s hard as there’s not much time between me getting in from work and him returning. He’s tried to kick me out (a lot of times) when I’ve started to pack my stuff, he wants it outside the house as it’s making a “mess”. I refused as I don’t want my stuff outside for it to be stolen or damaged

You know this relationship is abusive,kick his a** to the kurb he's a waste of oxygen x

@Eh97, I don't know what to say really, you know his behaviour is abusive but only you can decide when you've had enough and leave. I hope you realise you're deserving of much better sooner than later

You need a plan to leave. He has already been very violent towards you - biting you is not even borderline nasty, it’s a vicious attack. I was bitten on the face once by a man who then went on to strangle me. It was only because my screams woke up my housemate’s boyfriend that I’m here to tell the tale.

He is a nasty piece of shit and you don’t love him. You’re addicted to him. Which can be just as hard to let go - in fact harder, as most of us don’t love unconditionally, we have boundaries and are able to walk away from those we love when they hurt us. This is something else, much more powerful but much more destructive than love and you’re going to need help to get yourself out of it. Luckily Womens Aid and the police can help. You need to forget about the fact that he needs a DBS for work. That’s not your responsibility. It’s his. Someone like him should not be around vulnerable people and children so if he loses his DBS so much the better for everyone involved.

First steps, cover your tracks, call Womens Aid, let them guide you through leaving. It will be hard, but not as hard as being dead because this absolute arsehole has flipped and murdered you. 💐