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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's with this guy?

40 replies

MariGx · 08/06/2022 12:50

Guy sends me a pm via a forum for a mutual hobby. We chat a bit about the hobby. He oddly adds to a message that he's a Dr. This is completely irrelevant to the hobby or what we've been talking about. It came across like he was trying to impress me. I didn't believe he was a Dr. We continued to send messages back and forth over a couple of months, just the odd message/chat every couple of weeks. We got on well and if he was who he said he was, he sounded like a decent guy. He was attentive, listened and always said the right thing (too good to be true!) I did share some personal things with him about a break up with my ex and my mental health. I shared those things because he was a stranger. It was anonymous. So he knows I had a bad break up, I was not over my ex and I was having therapy. Not exactly sounding like a catch am I, but the next thing I know, he's saying he wants to meet me and wants to date me!
At this point we have never met. We have not had a video call or spoken on the phone. We have not even seen photos of each other so he has no idea what I look like or if I am who I say I am! So I'm thinking what kind of sad, desperate, creep trys to date someone when they don't even know what they look like. Yes we got on well and enjoyed each others messages, but it was always in the back of my mind that he could be some 70 year old man or 16 year old school boy.
He sent me couple of photos of himself (could have been anyone!) and I asked if he had social media and if he'd let me see it. He said yes and told me the details. It was private so I sent a friend request. I asked if he was going to accept my request, he said he couldn't find it and that he has 100s of requests in there (really?!?) So at this point I kinda had enough. I always thought all the Dr stuff was a load of bs and now he wasn't letting me see his social media so in my mind he wasn't who he said he was. I was a bit sad/hurt that he turned out not to be 'real' but I always knew this could be the case. I said to either let me see his sm or I was done. He then said I had some serious trust issues and needed help, all very gaslighting. Like seriously- I'm being unreasonable for wanting to verify who I'm taking to? So I was done.

About a month later he gets back in touch. He's missed me and he's now prepared to let me see his sm. I was curious so went with it. He could have gone through it in this time and 'cleaned it up' but he actually did seem to be who he said he was. He was a Dr. There was no obvious evidence of a wife/gf/kids. Since, we have spoken on the phone and video called and he wants to meet. But I'm still not convinced he's being completely genuine and it a still seems a bit off to me... he's been odd, right..? (Or do I actually have really crazy trust issues and I'm being mean and should give this a chance?!)

OP posts:
Penguinsaregreat · 08/06/2022 12:56

He does sound odd.
Could he be faking it and using someone else’s profile?
If you still want to meet make sure it’s in a public place (coffee shop?) and don’t put yourself out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/06/2022 13:01

Why are you at all going along with all this?. Just how low are your boundaries here, this has red flags all over it. Do not ignore your own intuition and or gut feelings here.

Block and have nothing further to do with this man.

fairgame84 · 08/06/2022 13:04

It sounds all wrong. Like the start of a romance scam.
Is he in the same country as you?

Sausagelove · 08/06/2022 13:06

I can’t believe you are asking if you’re crazy because a random bloke you’ve never met said so. Block this weirdo.

Itwasntmeright · 08/06/2022 13:06

Who cares who or what he is? This is weird and he sounds like a chancer. Block and forget about him.

Divebar2021 · 08/06/2022 13:07

Social media is not really proof of anything but you could FaceTime or Skype and see his face at least. If he won’t do that then that helps the decision I think.

Divebar2021 · 08/06/2022 13:08

Aaaah ok you’ve already done that. Ignore me.

Shedcity · 08/06/2022 13:09

So you know he’s lying to you
and he’s called you crazy
and disappeared for a month

sounds like a catch. Defo worth putting more effort in here and trying to figure him out.

cushio · 08/06/2022 13:12

If he's such a good catch why would he be interested in someone who's never even seen a pic of

Nothing personal OP but as far as he know, YOU could be anyone. That's what rings alarm bells for me

Orgasmagorical · 08/06/2022 13:14

You're concerned enough to post about it here. It doesn't matter what kind of games he's playing, you won't come out of this well if you continue contact wtih him. Trust your instinct 🚩

DianaRossshair · 08/06/2022 13:18

The gaslighting should have been enough for you to block him entirely. He's had a month to think up a more elaborate scam. You are worth so much more!

KingofLoss · 08/06/2022 13:21

Lol

I married a doctor and spend a lot of time with his doctor friends. I promise you, they're not hanging on forums trying to date women whose pictures they're never even seen. They can do better and they know it.

Pick your self worth up from the floor and block him.

NippyWoowoo · 08/06/2022 13:22

All I could think about is Dirty John

Vapeyvapevape · 08/06/2022 13:27

So he's called you names already, it will only get worse.

FAQs · 08/06/2022 13:31

NippyWoowoo · 08/06/2022 13:22

All I could think about is Dirty John

So could I!

MariGx · 08/06/2022 13:43

I know... very Dirty John vibes 🤣 But he IS a Doctor. There is a photo of him on the website of his workplace confirming his qualifications. It is the same person who is on his sm profile and who I have video calls with. All that checks out which I couldn't quite believe as I was 99.9% sure that he wasn't who he said he was. I thought if he really is some successful Dr, surely he has better things to be doing with his time that looking on Internet forums for women and really wouldn't drop it so 'casually' into conversation like he did.
Why is so desperate for a date with some random person he's never met? Is there something so wrong with him that he can't get a date irl??

I just feel invested after all this time talking online. But I can't say I'm 100% certain he wouldn't try to murder/rape/hurt me if we met...
So thank you, I AM being crazy for entertaining this and considering meeting.

OP posts:
Jenhen89 · 08/06/2022 14:04

I don’t think you’re crazy for potentially meeting the guy. Just go somewhere public like a coffee shop. Remember, this is MN where everyone wants you to LTB before you’ve even met him!
That being said, I’m not naive either. However, I met my partner online (granted it was a dating website), but does that guarantee the person you’re speaking to isn’t a psycho? Nope. And I hadn’t even video called him or spoken on the phone before we met. 4 years and one baby later….

Not every guy is a serial killer or a creep. Maybe he does it this way because he has social anxiety. Something you’ll probably find out if you at least meet him. Make sure a friend is nearby or something.

Take care .

Pinkerty · 08/06/2022 14:17

My husband is a doctor and I met him on OLD! There's quite a lot of them on there so meet him and find out!

Divebar2021 · 08/06/2022 14:33

Why is so desperate for a date with some random person he's never met? Is there something so wrong with him that he can't get a date irl??

what’s wrong with YOU that you can’t get a date in real life OP?

This is real life now… perhaps he works a lot of hours but doesn’t want to date someone from his workplace. Who knows? Can it be any riskier than meeting someone you only met in a bar ( if you apply the same common sense rules)

cushio · 08/06/2022 14:39

perhaps he works a lot of hours but doesn’t want to date someone from his workplace. Who knows? Can it be any riskier than meeting someone you only met in a bar ( if you apply the same common sense rules)

Fair enough, pretty common these days which is why OLD etc is so common.

Persuing an absolute random stranger without even seeing a photo or knowing anything about them (what they look like, if they're single, how close they live etc) is the weird part

I've been single for years and quite familiar with OLD but never heard anything like this

cushio · 08/06/2022 14:39

perhaps he works a lot of hours but doesn’t want to date someone from his workplace. Who knows? Can it be any riskier than meeting someone you only met in a bar ( if you apply the same common sense rules)

Fair enough, pretty common these days which is why OLD etc is so common.

Persuing an absolute random stranger without even seeing a photo or knowing anything about them (what they look like, if they're single, how close they live etc) is the weird part

I've been single for years and quite familiar with OLD but never heard anything like this

cushio · 08/06/2022 14:39

perhaps he works a lot of hours but doesn’t want to date someone from his workplace. Who knows? Can it be any riskier than meeting someone you only met in a bar ( if you apply the same common sense rules)

Fair enough, pretty common these days which is why OLD etc is so common.

Persuing an absolute random stranger without even seeing a photo or knowing anything about them (what they look like, if they're single, how close they live etc) is the weird part

I've been single for years and quite familiar with OLD but never heard anything like this

scoobydoo1971 · 08/06/2022 14:42

I would be suspicious of anyone lording the 'Dr' title around. I hide my title from people I don't know as they assume you earn loads of money, can diagnose their ailments 24/7, sign passport forms and have some deep intellectual pursuits outside work...it starts social friendships on the wrong footing, and many of my colleagues feel the same way. People using titles outside a professional context are doing it for self important power play and narcissistic reasons. From what you have written, this 'man' has scammer stamped all over him.

IsThePopeCatholic · 08/06/2022 14:48

He could be someone with a (dodgy) PHD from a (dodgy) uni. All sounds very weird.

LaingsAcidTab · 08/06/2022 14:59

Why is so desperate for a date with some random person he's never met? Is there something so wrong with him that he can't get a date irl??

You could be writing about yourself there too, OP. I'm concerned that you seem to be unable to see, or to pay attention to, the myriad red flags that are waving in front of your face.

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