Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's with this guy?

40 replies

MariGx · 08/06/2022 12:50

Guy sends me a pm via a forum for a mutual hobby. We chat a bit about the hobby. He oddly adds to a message that he's a Dr. This is completely irrelevant to the hobby or what we've been talking about. It came across like he was trying to impress me. I didn't believe he was a Dr. We continued to send messages back and forth over a couple of months, just the odd message/chat every couple of weeks. We got on well and if he was who he said he was, he sounded like a decent guy. He was attentive, listened and always said the right thing (too good to be true!) I did share some personal things with him about a break up with my ex and my mental health. I shared those things because he was a stranger. It was anonymous. So he knows I had a bad break up, I was not over my ex and I was having therapy. Not exactly sounding like a catch am I, but the next thing I know, he's saying he wants to meet me and wants to date me!
At this point we have never met. We have not had a video call or spoken on the phone. We have not even seen photos of each other so he has no idea what I look like or if I am who I say I am! So I'm thinking what kind of sad, desperate, creep trys to date someone when they don't even know what they look like. Yes we got on well and enjoyed each others messages, but it was always in the back of my mind that he could be some 70 year old man or 16 year old school boy.
He sent me couple of photos of himself (could have been anyone!) and I asked if he had social media and if he'd let me see it. He said yes and told me the details. It was private so I sent a friend request. I asked if he was going to accept my request, he said he couldn't find it and that he has 100s of requests in there (really?!?) So at this point I kinda had enough. I always thought all the Dr stuff was a load of bs and now he wasn't letting me see his social media so in my mind he wasn't who he said he was. I was a bit sad/hurt that he turned out not to be 'real' but I always knew this could be the case. I said to either let me see his sm or I was done. He then said I had some serious trust issues and needed help, all very gaslighting. Like seriously- I'm being unreasonable for wanting to verify who I'm taking to? So I was done.

About a month later he gets back in touch. He's missed me and he's now prepared to let me see his sm. I was curious so went with it. He could have gone through it in this time and 'cleaned it up' but he actually did seem to be who he said he was. He was a Dr. There was no obvious evidence of a wife/gf/kids. Since, we have spoken on the phone and video called and he wants to meet. But I'm still not convinced he's being completely genuine and it a still seems a bit off to me... he's been odd, right..? (Or do I actually have really crazy trust issues and I'm being mean and should give this a chance?!)

OP posts:
MariGx · 08/06/2022 16:50

Maybe I should meet him then...? I just don't know. It is all pretty weird, but he's never actually lied about anything yet though. What he has said has turned out to be true. And I'm sure he didn't start talking to me with the intention of dating me. We talked about the hobby and then on to other things and it went from there. Maybe it is just as innocent as that.
And I wasn't looking for a date btw. Maybe I'm being harsh. Maybe some lovely, amazing doctor has enjoyed talking to me and wants to get to know me irl, despite what I may look like! Or maybe there's something dodgy going on. I guess I'm not going to know unless we meet and see how things go. I'm just not sure whether I want to take that step

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 08/06/2022 18:13

Meet him at your peril (imo) he insulted you pretty quickly, any decent man would have understood you wanting to verify who he was . This is not a decent man.

stepuporshutup · 08/06/2022 18:22

Itwasntmeright · 08/06/2022 13:06

Who cares who or what he is? This is weird and he sounds like a chancer. Block and forget about him.

This. Wake up he is a chancer

DatingDinosaur · 08/06/2022 18:23

Does the hobby group ever meet IRL? Could you suggest meeting in this way for the first time?

All my hobby groups meet IRL, some have online forums and I’ve made friendships and a couple of “mores” that way. But we’ve always, always, always met IRL first, otherwise I just won’t entertain it.

What concerns me more about your situation though OP is this…

“so I sent a friend request. I asked if he was going to accept my request, he said he couldn't find it and that he has 100s of requests in there (really?!?) ”
I read into that – you’re just one of many he’s “chatting up” via this and other forums.

“He then said I had some serious trust issues and needed help,”
Huge Red Flag. If he can’t understand and accept why a woman would be cautious about a random bloke on the internet’s persistent yet evasive behaviour and then tries to guilt/shame her into doing what he wants then it makes you wonder what other emotionally manipulative tactics he has up his sleeve.

“ a month later he gets back in touch. He's missed me and he's now prepared to let me see his sm”
He’s cleansed his social media, obviously.

“it a still seems a bit off to me... he's been odd, right..?”
I’d say so, yes. Sounds like he’s casting his net wide but using internet hobby groups to do it rather than dating apps.

It’d be a swerve from me. You’re right to keep your guard up, imho.

DianaRossshair · 08/06/2022 20:08

MariGx · 08/06/2022 16:50

Maybe I should meet him then...? I just don't know. It is all pretty weird, but he's never actually lied about anything yet though. What he has said has turned out to be true. And I'm sure he didn't start talking to me with the intention of dating me. We talked about the hobby and then on to other things and it went from there. Maybe it is just as innocent as that.
And I wasn't looking for a date btw. Maybe I'm being harsh. Maybe some lovely, amazing doctor has enjoyed talking to me and wants to get to know me irl, despite what I may look like! Or maybe there's something dodgy going on. I guess I'm not going to know unless we meet and see how things go. I'm just not sure whether I want to take that step

Honestly who cares if he is a doctor! They can be bastards too you know!! The fact is he was rude and unpleasant to you and gaslit you. Thats what should be at the forefront of your mind!

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 20:50

Why do you care, OP? Don't you think a man who was good for you would present himself clearly, in a way that you understood, and liked?

MariGx · 08/06/2022 20:54

His job is irrelevant. It just part of the situation, in that I didn't believe it was true, but it was. And yes, he can be a doctor and a prick. His behaviour is concerning, that's why I posted. He was trying to make out I was in the wrong for wanting confirmation that he was who he said he was. And I don't get why, because he didn't even have anything to hide in the end. So I am concerned about this seemingly nasty/gaslighting side to him. I have made myself very vulnerable to him by telling him about my mental health etc so I'm concerned he sees me as weak and an easy target to manipulate. I would never have told anyone that I was looking to date, the things I told him. But he also has a very lovely, caring side. Which could all be part of the act. But also I could just be reading way too much into all this.
And if he's a scammer/chancer... what is he after? I don't have a lot to give!
But say I meet him, it's all good, we get into a relationship, I get sucked in, then down the line he shows his true colours. I am overthinking this and getting way ahead of myself, but if there is something amiss with him, I don't want to find out when it's too late!
I hate relationships. I should not date.
I get fomo that I don't want to throw away something potentially great, but anxiety because I can't handle the heart break if it does go to shit.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 21:01

So I am concerned about this seemingly nasty/gaslighting side to him

So stay away from him, it's not rocket science. You wouldn't feel like this if he was a healthy relationship candidate for you.

MariGx · 08/06/2022 21:01

Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 20:50

Why do you care, OP? Don't you think a man who was good for you would present himself clearly, in a way that you understood, and liked?

I don't know why I care. Because I have low self esteem and low self respect probably. I can't seem to let it go. Anyone with any self worth would have blocked him and moved on. I don't know why I can't seem to do that. I would love to be able to walk away and not give him a second thought.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/06/2022 21:03

I would love to be able to walk away and not give him a second thought

You don't have to do that. You can give him a million second thoughts, but he doesn't have to hear them. Don't speak another word to him. It's over, because you already don't trust him.

overponder · 08/06/2022 21:08

Not called Mark is he? The doctor?

cushio · 08/06/2022 21:12

I don't mean this to sound disrespectful:
*
I don't know why I care. Because I have low self esteem and low self respect probably. I can't seem to let it go. Anyone with any self worth would have blocked him and moved on*

But he's probably picked up on this and knows your vulnerable.

You can do much better but you need to work on your own self esteem and learn your own worth

SettingsO · 08/06/2022 21:21

I hate relationships. I should not date

There you go then

collieresponder88 · 08/06/2022 21:46

That social media could be anyone. He has had a month to get his story together just block him.

Vapeyvapevape · 08/06/2022 22:49

You have doubts and you haven't even met him. He isn't the only man in the world ! It's actually a very simple decision, he's made you unsure so don't take a gamble .

New posts on this thread. Refresh page