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Original poster

This is odd behaviour, right?

32 replies

ChangedMyNamrButStillMe · 07/06/2022 23:36

Namechanged for this as it’s made me feel a bit weird and uncomfortable.

I’ve been seeing a man (I’ll call him DP even though I got told off on here for referring to him as a dp previously as we don’t live together) for nearly 2 years, divorced 3 years ago and I have 2dc 9yo and 6yo. DP lives a 2 hour drive away and due to him also having kids we have zero plans to move in together or combine our lives in that way, certainly not in the foreseeable but I’d say we’re very happy together and both like our independence.

He’s met my dc maybe 15 times, I’ve met his about them same amount. We’ve done various days out together either just with my kids, just his or all together and also had a weekend camping (separate tents for separate families) and we’ve always all got along well.

I was taking my dc away for a little break for a few days this week and he said he’d like to come along. I said he was very welcome but that we were staying in a smallish BnB and I’d booked a family room of a double bed and bunk beds so he’d have to book his own room separately as there weren’t any suites or adjoining rooms. He was fine with this and we got here last night.

This morning we went for a really long walk and all got absolutely soaked. We got back to the BnB, I stuck the boys in the shower, dry clothes and said they could have an hour or so of screens before we go out again. DP comes and knocks after his shower in his room and we have a cup of tea and a chat while dc play on screens. Then DP says he feels shattered after the walk and that he might have a quick nap. I say fine, assuming he’ll go to his room, and he takes his t shirt off and gets into my bed. I tell him that I don’t really feel comfortable with him doing that, dc are on screens and it just feels a bit weird as I can’t now lay on the bed as I don’t want them seeing us cuddle on the bed.

DP says that I’ve made him feel really embarrassed and that I think he’s a pervert and that if I didn’t trust him around my kids I should’ve said something before now. He then went off to his room, either wasn’t in or wasn’t answering when we knocked later and now he’s ignoring my messages.

I don’t know if I’m being ridiculous about it all. I just don’t know why he felt more comfortable having a nap in my bed rather than going to his. He’s never done anything to even vaguely suggest I can’t trust him with my kids but I just felt it was a bit inappropriate for a man to be topless and fast asleep in bed a metre or so away from my kids playing screens.

Am I being a massive prude and this is a completely normal thing for a long term boyfriend to do? I obviously wouldn’t have given it a second thought if it was their dad and I’m annoyed with myself that I can’t quite put my finger on why I think it was inappropriate. Please give me some sensible advice MN

OP posts:
LoudingVoice · 07/06/2022 23:39

I’d feel the same, he had his own room for napping in for this very reason.

Ihatethenewlook · 07/06/2022 23:41

So this whole discussion (argument) took place in front of your kids? Yes he was massively inappropriate, unnecessarily nasty, and continued to be with the mn infamous abusive silent treatment whilst you were on holiday with both of your kids? Where do you see this going from here?

SweetSunflowerBoo · 07/06/2022 23:41

That is weird of him to jump straight to "I'm not a pervert".....

Moodycow78 · 07/06/2022 23:43

Trust your gut, it was strange Tbh. Not sure what to make of it but why would you go for a nap in a room that's not yours, with 3 people, 2 of which are playing games on their screens when there's an empty room next door. It is odd, you don't think he just forgot that he was in a different room and did it without thinking do you?

Ithinkitsadoughnut · 07/06/2022 23:45

If you feel it was inappropriate, then it was inappropriate. You never suggested he was a pervert, you were just (quite rightly) keeping boundaries that you felt were right for your DC. That's good parenting, if you ask me.

OppsUpsSide · 07/06/2022 23:48

No you weren’t comfortable and did the right thing by saying so.

MintJulia · 07/06/2022 23:50

His behaviour is odd because a) he specifically has his own room. Why try to sleep where there are noisy teens not sleeping
b) because he climbed into your bed without asking. Err, no!
c) immediately assuming you think he is a pervert is an odd leap to make.

It feels like he's being territorial when it isn't his territory.

Featuredcreature · 07/06/2022 23:51

It is weird I think, it would be so awkward all 3 of you sat there chilling out with him possibly snoring or farting away.

Readtheroom · 07/06/2022 23:57

I think if you two wanted a cuddle you should've gone to his room for it if you're uncomfortable with him being shirtless in a bed near your DC but personally I don't see the issue with that and you not being fine with it does suggest he was doing something inappropriate around your kids like it was wrong

doesthatmakesense · 07/06/2022 23:59

You noticed something odd about it, that would be enough for me. To some extent trying to analyse what you've noticed is less important than the fact that you've a)noticed something, and b) asked for advice about it. I'd maybe watch and wait to see if anything else happens, but do so putting up big strong barriers all the whole.
I hope the rest of your stay with DC was okay. What did they make of it (if anything)?

Beingadiv · 08/06/2022 00:12

You're not a prude. You made it clear what the sleeping arrangements were so I'm not sure why he thought that would change for a nap.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 08/06/2022 00:21

If DH actually wanted a nap at home I'd expect him to take himself off to the bedroom rather than sleep on the sofa if the dc were in the living room. It's common sense surely?

weddingguest123789 · 08/06/2022 00:26

The only people I've heard say "I'm not a pervert" when no one has actually accused them of being or said the word pervert - have always turned out to be perverts

Pixiedust1234 · 08/06/2022 00:29

Who would want to nap in a small room with three other awake people, especially if they has access to a seperate room? He's making his "presence" felt.

The reason you felt uncomfortable is because you would feel obliged to be quiet, and keep your children quiet, in your OWN room. Its entitled bs, you called him out and now he's sulking.

Original poster
ChangedMyNamrButStillMe · 08/06/2022 00:47

There wasn’t much of a discussion tbh. It was me saying “why don’t you have a nap in your room? It’s a bit weird having one here”, him saying “fine” and then sending me a load of WhatsApp messages saying I’d made him feel uncomfortable and as though he was a pervert or something because he took his too off in front of dc. It wasn’t particularly the top taking off that I was uncomfortable about, rather the whole situation.

I’d feel really uncomfortable about dc walking in on us if we were in bed together at home reading or having a lie in or something else innocent but wouldn’t have felt weird if they’d done that while I was with their dad. I just don’t think it’s something my kids need to see but I can’t quite put my finger on why I’m uncomfortable with it with him but wouldn’t with their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedMyNamrButStillMe · 08/06/2022 00:49

@doesthatmakesense I don’t think dc have really noticed. We went to knock for him earlier when we we’re going down to the beach as we’d all planned to do that this morning. He was either out or pretending not to hear, I just told dc he must’ve gone out for some reason but they weren’t bothered about it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2022 00:53

Red flags are waving. His reaction is really bizarre and creepy, and his silent treatment bullshit would be a deal breaker for me.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/06/2022 00:56

He pushed a boundary. That’s why it’s uncomfortable.

you clearly stated if he was to join you he would need to get his own room, which he did. But then he wanted to behave as if your room was his room to be intimate and relaxed in. That was pushing a boundary: “You’ve made it clear there’s a line here but I am ignoring it and want you to ignore your own instincts and needs.”

and the ‘not a pervert’ comment was weird and possibly said to make you feel that your request he leave and nap in his own room was crazily OTT. Which is a sort of gaslighting.

HaveringWavering · 08/06/2022 00:59

I’d feel really uncomfortable about dc walking in on us if we were in bed together at home reading or having a lie in or something else innocent but wouldn’t have felt weird if they’d done that while I was with their dad. I just don’t think it’s something my kids need to see but I can’t quite put my finger on why I’m uncomfortable with it with him but wouldn’t with their dad.

Surely it’s simple? He’s not their Dad so they are not intimate with him.

Do the kids even ever witness you sleeping in the same bedroom (ie going in and closing the door), or do you only stay over at his place normally?

Shedcity · 08/06/2022 01:08

You’d already laid out your boundaries. He ignored them. Then went straight to how dare you call me a pervert
even though you didn’t

don’t fuck around with that

watcherintherye · 08/06/2022 01:13

Maybe you are just aware that as your dp doesn’t live with you and your dc, they are not used to seeing him as part of their family, and someone who shares your bed, in the way they would have been with their Dad, and you feel you have to protect them. Not from your dp, specifically, but from the realisation
of the intimacy between you and dp that sharing a bed would indicate?

PaintingClocks · 08/06/2022 01:20

YANBU, it’s weird he’s reacted so badly to it

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/06/2022 01:23

Shedcity · 08/06/2022 01:08

You’d already laid out your boundaries. He ignored them. Then went straight to how dare you call me a pervert
even though you didn’t

don’t fuck around with that

This.

Anyone who takes a boundary this badly isn't someone you want to be around.

PinkStarAtNight · 08/06/2022 01:46

I think its strange that you didn't feel you could get on the bed if he was in there napping because you didn't want your children to see you two 'cuddling'...firstly, you wouldn't be cuddling if he was sleeping, so why can't you get on the bed? Secondly, is it so bad if your children see you cuddling? How old are they?

At first I thought you were using 'cuddling' as a euphemism but you've since posted a comment saying that you wouldn't even be comfortable with them seeing you and your DP in bed just reading - why?

You've mentioned twice now that you wouldn't be uncomfortable with your children seeing these things if it was their dad and you're questioning why that is. How old are children? What is the situation with their dad? Are you fully over their dad?

I agree that your DP jumping to defend himself from being a pervert might for some people seem strange, but I can also see how you probably did make him feel humiliated and judged. Maybe if you don't feel comfortable with him getting into your bed and don't like him taking his top off in front of your children or your children seeing the two of you reading in bed, he really should just be a boyfriend and not a partner and you should be honest with him that you're not at that stage in your relationship where he can be around your children. But I feels that's more about how you're feeling than him being any type of pervert and maybe you should just be honest with him.

Only way he's BU is sending abusive messages and ignoring you. That's immature, but then again men usually are.

pastypirate · 08/06/2022 02:00

What's with the sleeping in the day on a family holiday? This would really annoy me for a start. Then being sulky abs making an atmosphere on a holiday you planned for your children. Awful

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