Getting under one man to get over another

[RoyKentsChestHair]

Has this ever worked?! I’m 6 months after a big break up and still utterly besotted with my ex - even though I was the one who broke it off.

I’ve joined an OLD site and chatting to a few nice blokes on there. Some have suggested meeting up, and I know I’m going to have to at some point, but I just can’t imagine feeling anything for someone new when my heart skips a beat just thinking about my ex.

Can I really just go out and fake it (singledom) until I make it? Or should I just come off the apps and hope that time heals?

Similar situation to me last year OP. I dated other guys when my ex and I broke up (his decision), even though I wasn't really feeling it. When I told my ex I was seeing one particular guy, saw a future in it and was cutting contact with him (ex), he realised what he was missing and soon came running back. I say date other guys and see where it goes. You never know!

In fairness he did apologise for the mixed messages. Said he shouldn’t have let himself get carried away but he was “aching to see me” and he’s glad it happened. I am too, in a way, as it was bloody magic, but it’s like he’s a drug and I’m right back in the addiction now.

Listen to actions, not words. It's fine to say all these things, but it purely might be a way of him eliciting emotions out of you because he knows you still have feelings for him. My ex did something similar about 4 months after we broke up, not so we could get back together, but because I suspect it massively inflated his ego to hear me sobbing down the phone that I still in a way, loved him. I look back on that and cringe, because I can see he was setting me up in a way to admit it by being lovely and caring (something he scarcely was in the relationship) and open, only to effectively shut me down in the conversation once he'd heard what he needed to.

The second point isn't fair - it's not OK for him to be seeing other people (and suspect, sleeping with them too) and then you feel like you can't because he'd judge you if you did the same thing and then you were to get back together. He's having his cake and eating it right now - getting the chance to meet new, potential prospects, whilst keeping you in the back burner in case these don't work out by telling you there is a "chance". This isn't fair whatsoever.

9 years is a long time to be with someone, especially if you have one of those connections - I had the same with my ex that I split with after 7 years because I wouldn't tolerate his behaviour towards me anymore. That was 9 months ago and there is still a part of me that regrets it and wishes I had just kept quiet because, like you, there was this connection between us and we seemed to have a very boom vs bust relationship. But the truth was I was unhappy with how he treated me, and even though he's moved on (and moved in) with a new girlfriend and seems far happier, there was a reason I split up with him and I wouldn't want to go back.

That’s the thing Rosy, I know he says he’s ok with it, but any hint that I meet someone nice and I’ll be wary that he’ll decide that’s the time to step back up! He’s said he’ll let me know if anything serious happens with anyone but I really don’t want to know. If we’re single then let’s just keep it to ourselves.

Polly that sounds very familiar. I’m a sucker for a sob story and I want to try and understand every part of him and accept his flaws because that feels like the loving thing to do. But if it’s making me go against everything I believe in, it’s not right.

Maybe it was fate.
It's opened the door.
But as you said.
You've got to dial it down
He's knows how you feel.
Leave him be.

Let him miss you.
Sounds like there is enough there to miss.
Use the time to work on yourself
What do you want ?
Was the big argument petty or serious?
You rejected him
Men struggle with rejection more than woman. (I have 3 sons)
So this won't be a quick fix
But by working on yourself yourself, will make you happier in the long run.
You will maybe get back with your ex or have a brand new relationship, but either way, better in both cases.

I know. In need to do what he’s doing, build up my life without him so that I’m happy on my own. There’s still a huge gap in my life where he used to be. But maybe in need to fill it with friends and hobbies, not men“

absolutely. Our eldest wasn’t single at all between 15 and 22. Then spent a glorious couple of years flat sharing with a friend. Finally worked out who they were and what they wanted. Now, some years on, happily settled with home and family.
we all need time alone 😊

FWB can work wonders!

I did that a lot in my college years. It never worked for me

Thank you all for the differing opinions. Think I will retreat a bit anyway, as you say Robin, I’ve made it perfectly clear how I feel. I’ve inflated his ego and he now knows that he is irresistible. His instinct will be to see if that applies to other younger, thinner, prettier women too. Obviously to me he’s the most handsome man in the world. So I’m sure other people will also be charmed by him. But if he loves me then he needs to bridge the gap, not just let me keep advancing while he stays put. Think I’ll leave sleeping with other men for now, but not ruling out meeting for a coffee and a chat.

Not for me. I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person, so I'd need to have reached a point where I no longer thought my ex was the right person.

Update. After a few heart to heart chats with XP it has become clear that he’s not ready now, if ever, to have me back.

I’m not really ready to move on, have declared my undying love and said everything I can to try and convince him to give us another chance, questioned whether he’d really be ok if I went on dates with others and his reply “yes, you’re single so anything you do now isn’t going to affect how I feel about you in the future”. I can’t think of anything worse than wishing him well to go on dates with others, so it’s obvious that he doesn’t love me any more.

Makes me feel sick to imagine him kissing someone else, so the fact he’s almost given me his blessing to date others tells me everything I need to know.

I have foolishly arranged a date for this weekend. Guy I’ve been chatting to online for a couple of weeks. Going to go and have a coffee and a chat, give it a chance and try to open my mind and my heart to other opportunities. Not what I want, but after 6 months I still wasn’t feeling any better about the split so I think it’s worth a go.

It works
Thats all I can say

Awww OP, well hopefully your ex has now given you closure. You gave him a massive olive branch and he's said no more. No more chances for him now. You can slowly move on with your life. Go on the date and meet the guy for a coffee and take it as it comes. Good luck OP 🤗

Thank you. Yes I felt like it had ripped open the wound again at the time but it’s shown me clearly who he is, and although our chats have been very respectful and open, I have felt very insecure and confused which isn’t a good thing is it. He’s in no doubt that I would have him back in a heartbeat.

I went on a date today, which was fine - no spark but nice chap. Then had a phone call with another guy and I’m meeting him next weekend!

Well isn't he a prince?

but isn’t ruling it out entirely in the future

I've read all your posts and you will get over this. There are many of us out here - let's face it we all have been dumped at sometime in our life.It's not easy at the start. Been there and have the tee shirt. I am now happier than I ever was.

Thank you @EggRollsForever it feels like I’ll never get over it, but I know you’re right.

The problem is that I dumped him, so he’s hurt by that and getting me back I think, by not giving in, even though he will get all tearful and admit that part of him does want me back. He originally said he was about 70/30 in favour of trying again, but when I’ve pressed him it seems more like the other way around.

Such mixed messages. But now I need to just leave it, move on, hope I meet someone else or at least stop obsessing over him and settle on my own.