Getting under one man to get over another

[RoyKentsChestHair]

Has this ever worked?! I’m 6 months after a big break up and still utterly besotted with my ex - even though I was the one who broke it off.

I’ve joined an OLD site and chatting to a few nice blokes on there. Some have suggested meeting up, and I know I’m going to have to at some point, but I just can’t imagine feeling anything for someone new when my heart skips a beat just thinking about my ex.

Can I really just go out and fake it (singledom) until I make it? Or should I just come off the apps and hope that time heals?

I guess that’s true - the new guy doesn’t have to go anywhere does it, just a bit of a ‘reset’.

I guess part of me is hesitant because I feel like if my ex does decide he wants to try again, if I’ve slept with someone else in between it will feel wrong. I don’t really want him to either of course. But I can’t live my life wondering what if can I?

It did for me, it cemented me never being able to go back to a relationship wasn't working!

Never go back in life..move forward.

Meeting in person with the right match can help.

When I love my husband, I would never ignore him for 6 months whatever he said to me.

After 17 years of experience what I have learned for myself - yes, it's very important not to escalate the disagreement and not to move it into an argument to the point when a wife tells her husband (or him telling her) to leave if nothing major (like cheating, unbelievable lying) has happened, just because she/he is angry.

I would talk it through and resolve it but I understand everyone is different in how we deal with stress/when we are stressed.

PMS and our hormones could also influence us.

It's a skill of conflict resolution we should all know about to have better relations with our loved ones.

its nice to feel wanted and sexy by a new guy for ego, but it is shallow. Sex is never as good with a random

Don't do it.
It won't work.
Sometimes couples need a break just to reset.
For now just go about your business and let life unfold
If you're meant to be together it will happen.
Let him miss you too and by staying true you are showing him your true feelings

@Lana07 I have 100% admitted that hormones may have played a part in it. In fact that was part of the argument. I’ve been trying HRT and had recently upped my dose as it had stopped being as effective.

He knew I was terrified of taking it because my mum died of breast cancer after taking HRT so he knew it was a big deal to me, and still made fun of me having “pmt”. I told him he was a misogynistic prick, and I know name calling isn’t ok either, but I’d been working a night shift and spent all day prepping food for our families to come at Xmas so I was at breaking point.

There was no understanding from him that night. But me throwing him out (it’s not his house, he was just visiting me) was so unacceptable that he will always hold it against me.

Its not the first time this has happened so it was a final straw type thing, not just a one off.

But I hear what you’re saying - if it’s true love you wouldn’t ever let the other one go. And you certainly wouldn’t condone them meeting and sleeping with someone else while you made your mind up

@Robin233 that’s the trouble - I’ve told him he’s the love of my life and I’ll love him until I die. His big deal breaker is me “dismissing” him and daring/sleeping with someone else doesn’t really say the right things. But if he’s doing it, and he’s accepted that the risk he’ll take by being hesitant is that I may do it too, then there’s nothing left to save is there.

We reconnected because of a butt dial and I stupidly thought it was fate. We met up that night, had amazing sex and then the next day he freaked out and he said he wasn’t ready. This doesn’t feel like fate.

This is the trouble. It was amazing with him from day one - literally the night we met. I really hope in some ways that he does try with someone else and it’s shit! He was amazed at his ability to give me pleasure as he said he’d always been a bit selfish in bed and never bothered about the woman before (yes he was a massive dickhead at the start - But he changed a lot in 9 years!)

After so long together we had it down to an art form. That’s part of why I don’t want to let it go. I had a little taster of what I’d been missing and I want it back.

Why do you think men move on so quickly? Because it works (to an extent) like a welcomed distraction.

The rekindling of emotions for one night has left you feeling like this. I bet he isn’t feeling like this! Most men won’t turn down a shag with an ex if it’s offered on a plate so you may be reading too much into that night. It sounds like he couldn’t get out of there quick enough the next day. I would start to see other people and leave the ball in his court. You are not together and both free to do what you want.

@RoyKentsChestHair

We reconnected because of a butt dial and I stupidly thought it was fate. We met up that night, had amazing sex and then the next day he freaked out and he said he wasn’t ready. This doesn’t feel like fate.
^^^^
Be careful
I had an ex do this.
I slept (again and again) with him because I loved him and I kept thinking we'd get back together.
Looking back he's was just using me for sex and I couldn't see it.
If you want him bsck do NOT sleep with anyone else.
Let him miss you.
Even date him - BUT sex is off the table.
If he loves you (and this is what matters) he will come back BUT sex will just cloud the issues and you will just feel used and disrespected.

Hang on. I’m guessing he butt dialled you?

Yeah, right. He was just after a shag.

No that’s the stupid thing - I butt dialled him! Was on holiday with my DC in a place we went to with him many years ago, I don’t have Siri enabled anyway, but I hadn’t mentioned him or looked at any messages etc so I’ve no idea how it happened - I just took my phone out to look at a map and it was calling him! I was mortified, immediately hung up and then he messaged to ask if I meant to call him. I said it was a butt dial but I don’t think he believed me and checked that I was ok. I said yes, but then later messaged him to say no, I miss him, and he called me immediately and was so lovely. I’m an idiot.

You can't imagine feeling the same for anyone else because you haven't met them yet, I would keep dating until you find that spark, then the new one will replace the feelings of the old one.

Holding on to the ex when he's moving on isn't going to help.

I don’t think he has moved on though, I think he’s trying to move on, but he was all tearful about it, saying how broken he was after we split, that he’s got to protect himself as he can’t rely on me to be there, how he’s had to rebuild his life without me and he doesn’t want to be derailed because he’s finally feeling ok etc. I honestly believe he loves me, and has missed me a lot, and apparently only joined OLD a week before, so he was also thinking this was some weird fate thing.

oh it’s just a mess.

And I know that no matter how much he says it’s ok for me to see other people because we’re both single, and if we try again it will be a whole new relationship, I know it will colour his view of me if I’ve slept with someone else.

Purposefully bedding someone? I wouldn't.
What I would (and did) do, is concentrate on myself, figure out how to live my own life with my children and live like that until someone amazing comes along that I want to marry.

@Robin233 I know you’re right. I’ve been absolutely throwing myself at him. I need to back off and let him miss me. He’s answering all my messages with nice things and kisses but he’s not matching my energy on this. He’ll say he was listening to a song I sent him and how it was really touching etc but isn’t instigating anything. He sent me a message the other day, said he agonised for ages over whether to send it. “Are you ok little one? X” I told him if he didn’t want to send mixed messages ask “how are you, question mark” not something sweet!

You’re 100% right - I shouldn’t go looking for it, but be open to any good things that come along. If that includes him so be it.

No it’s not fair.
six months isn’t very long, give it more time. Nothing wrong with being single.

He went home that night and then called me up to come over to his at midnight. I went. Because I thought it meant something.

I know. In need to do what he’s doing, build up my life without him so that I’m happy on my own. There’s still a huge gap in my life where he used to be. But maybe in need to fill it with friends and hobbies, not men.